How much does everyone else do for their step children?

[Placeboooooooo]

Hi all, I’m new here.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and have known DSD (7) for almost 6. I got pregnant less than a year into the relationship with DD (4).

OH is a lovely man and a good dad but he is so bloody lazy when it comes to actually doing things for the kids, credit given where credits due, he drives the 140 mile round trip twice a weekend every weekend in order to see DSD but that’s about it.

Out of a 17 day holiday we’ve had DSD 24 days of it which I don’t mind as long as I know what’s happening, when she’s coming and when she’s going back. Her BM doesn’t take a great deal of interest in DSD, she tends to palm her off as often as she can during the holidays. Anyway, I do at least 90% of the childcare because I’m ‘doing it anyway for DD.’ I do the cooking, the cleaning up after them, all of their washing, drying, morning routines, nighttime routines, days out etc etc. I do the lion’s share of pretty much everything.

Don’t get me wrong OH works very hard, sometimes life can be unpredictable because of his work and we don’t ever really get a break away (DSD is 7 and she’s never been on a family holiday, nor has DD)

Sometimes the monotony gets me down a bit and I feel as though a lot of what I do is unappreciated an unnoticed. I understand that I’ve probably made a rod for my own back by not putting my foot down but it’s a difficult position to be in. I would never want OH to turn DSD away because I’m putting my foot down, it’s so easy to be cast as the wicked step mother for the smallest reason while the rest of the good you’ve done is forgotten.

What does everyone else do? Are there any others who feel the way I do sometimes? I was very young when I first met DSD (18) and have grown and matured a lot since then and found ways of coping with things differently.

I have my own negative experience of step parents (step mother from hell!) and I’ve learnt a lot from the way she was, I think OH knows this as well and uses it to his advantage and as a result of my experience I over compensate.

Ex's need to step back too.

In such circumstances yes they do but not so much when it involves their welfare of their child. 🦄

I so much agree with you TwoDots. There has been so much unnecessary aggression on this thread when all OK asked for was constructive advice and some space to vent.

unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows I do think you need to calm your aggression down as it only makes women/men trying to do the best they can like useless good for nothings. Just because your situation is perfect doesn't mean to say that everyone else has it as easy.

unicorn weve pretty much taken DSD to 80% of her dentist appointments. You seem to be picking out the bits that suit your interpretation of it all!

I’ve actually spoken to DM today. To be honest I didn’t feel like speaking to her at all but have actually brought up a lot of issues regarding DSD and asked her how we can work as a team for DSD’s sake to make things better for her. She admitted that she could do more and be more proactive with taking her to more appointments etc, with weekends the only time we have with DSD for the most part, it’s difficult to schedule doctors appointments due to the fact that the surgeries where I live only open on weekdays.

Good luck with it all paceboooo, I really hope your partner steps up with every thing and you get a happier more settled life.

Atleast she wants to work together to resolve the issues. You might it easier speaking to her than go through your oh if that helps with arrangements

I’ve made it clear that we all have to have more respect for each other and I also made it clear that calling me names in front of DSD isn’t acceptable nor would it be vice versa.

I’m feeling a lot better now I’ve actually confronted the issues calmly with her, she was quite defensive at first but seemed to mellow when she realised that I wasn’t having a go and that for DSD’s sake we need to work as a team for her welfare, not against one another.

DSD was outside paying while we were talking but she looked genuinely delighted that we were actually talking and gave us both hugs and kisses. Today has been a good day and tact, holding my temper and biting my tongue to a degree has been my saviour, thank you for all of your replies . Feeling much more positive about things.

Pleased to read your update Placeboooooooo.

Just make sure the calmer circumstances don't result in both your OH and DSD's mum merely taking the piss out of you in a "friendlier" way!

I do absolutely everything for SD 11 including providing and buying all her clothes School uniform I didn’t want to but her parents didn’t so someone had to.
Regarding all her washing cooking cleaning I do all that too ... I fight back tell DH I’m not doing it he gets angry guilt trips me saying I’m doing it all for everyone else in the house what’s the difference
My reply is your child is your responsibility how do you think it’s right I do all your job when you don’t do it yourself.

Would I be a step mother again to a child under 20 NO NEVER it’s the worst job going BM jealous SD rude and a lazy ass DH