How much does everyone else do for their step children?

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Hi all, I’m new here.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and have known DSD (7) for almost 6. I got pregnant less than a year into the relationship with DD (4).

OH is a lovely man and a good dad but he is so bloody lazy when it comes to actually doing things for the kids, credit given where credits due, he drives the 140 mile round trip twice a weekend every weekend in order to see DSD but that’s about it.

Out of a 17 day holiday we’ve had DSD 24 days of it which I don’t mind as long as I know what’s happening, when she’s coming and when she’s going back. Her BM doesn’t take a great deal of interest in DSD, she tends to palm her off as often as she can during the holidays. Anyway, I do at least 90% of the childcare because I’m ‘doing it anyway for DD.’ I do the cooking, the cleaning up after them, all of their washing, drying, morning routines, nighttime routines, days out etc etc. I do the lion’s share of pretty much everything.

Don’t get me wrong OH works very hard, sometimes life can be unpredictable because of his work and we don’t ever really get a break away (DSD is 7 and she’s never been on a family holiday, nor has DD)

Sometimes the monotony gets me down a bit and I feel as though a lot of what I do is unappreciated an unnoticed. I understand that I’ve probably made a rod for my own back by not putting my foot down but it’s a difficult position to be in. I would never want OH to turn DSD away because I’m putting my foot down, it’s so easy to be cast as the wicked step mother for the smallest reason while the rest of the good you’ve done is forgotten.

What does everyone else do? Are there any others who feel the way I do sometimes? I was very young when I first met DSD (18) and have grown and matured a lot since then and found ways of coping with things differently.

I have my own negative experience of step parents (step mother from hell!) and I’ve learnt a lot from the way she was, I think OH knows this as well and uses it to his advantage and as a result of my experience I over compensate.

Do you really think her DSD's dad paying her barely any attention apart from the travelling is good for her?

No and I think even he knows this, he said last night that he should make an effort to do more and if he did I think it would save his relationship with DSD and his relationship with me too.

Her DM doesn’t seem to spend a great deal of waking hours with her either. She’s like me and works PT 5 morning a week and sends DSD to breakfast club everyday which is fair enough but then she’s also doing a lot of clubs on a night, two clubs on Tuesday and Thursday and it seems a lot to me for a 7 YO on top of school etc and then of course when we had her on a weekend we want to do something nice with her so I used to take her swimming or to the park but she was so knackered she wasn’t enjoying it

What’s her dm got to do with the lack of effort on your oh every time you complain about his lack of effort you slag the mother off she’s irrelevant in your household

heaven forbid she takes her dd to hobbies terrible mother!

I'd stay out of the relationship between your DSD and her Mum. It's not fair to get involved.

Spend your time getting your partner sorted. He needs that boot!

Like I said in my very first post on this thread, in the absence of neglect it not our responsibility to give our stepkids the standard of living that we want for them - that is for their parents to decide and make happen. That is not to say we can't still do nice things for our DSC but not at the expense of our own physical or emotional health, which is what clearly happening in your case. If your Oh would genuinely stop seeing his eldest daughter just because he'd need to do some actual parenting then TBH I'd question the value in him being in her life if he really can't be arsed.

This isn’t about her mother (and my DD does and loves to do a lot of clubs) as you have no control over that. This is about you as your OH

How is he as a parent to your child

This doesn’t sound good for you OP. What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you have nice times with OH, go on holidays, nights out?

I can’t get past the 140 miles every weekend? That’s madness. Every other weekend surely or you both move closer to DSD.

You were very young, are still young, to be taking on such a load without time to have developed yourself. It’s not sustainable either, ultimately the chances are your DSD will always favour her mother no matter how much more you do for her. You won’t have the same bond. That is fine if you accept this, but be prepared.

In all honesty I can’t remember the last time we had a night out, I got to go on a hen do last year and thats a very rare opportunity.

It’s really 280 miles every weekend as it’s 70 miles there an 70 miles back on a Friday and again on a Sunday. Moving closer to DSD it’s an option. OH’s business is here (occasionally he will travel as he has a sideline of fencing and hedgelaying) so we can’t move to be closer to her.

I know that DSD will always favour her DM and I’m not trying to take her place I just want what’s best.

Isn’t an option sorry, bloody phone.

I think your anger is misplaced at the dm and not your oh. You totally missed out starting your young life and finding your feet. Instead you chosen to settle down with a step child and partner at such a young age. I imagine your friends are out socialising and having fun when you were getting maybe abit too involved with your dsd?

Imagine from the dm POV her ex gets with an 18year old kid just legally allowed to drink now being involved with her precious dd then added to them having a baby together. You wouldn’t be my favourite person especially when you seem to find fault with her over things that aren’t bad.

unicorn there’s one hell of a lot that I hear spoken about on this thread because if I’m honest I’m just so tired and exhausted from worrying about it all.

TBH I’m angry at both of them. And I think that’s only natural. I’m sick of banging my head against a brick wall.

Yes I was very young when I took on what I did and I was under no illusion that it was going to be easy, it still certainly isn’t and I feel as though my hands are tied and my life is at them whim of OH & DM. I’ve managed to get to work today but OH was wanting me to ask for it off which I hate! I hate feeling as though I’m inconveniencing every one by being at work and earning a living. I think I just automatically do too much for people and ultimately get takes for granted and used.

And I will also add that she cheated on OH so it’s not a case of this nasty, young woman taking her OH & DD away from her although I’m often made to feel that way!

Regardless if she cheated your attitude towards her is vile all because of activities on a evening, I’m guessing she’s restricted to doing them at the weekend because her dd is with and your oh eow. She isn’t to blame your oh is he is happy to sit back and watch you do everything whilst he does nothing.

My attitude towards a woman who neglects her child that badly that her teeth have rotten down to stumps isn’t vile! The fact that I’ve had to drag DSD kicking and screaming to the dentist because her teeth are f**cked and no one else wants to do anything about it. That’s all her mum feeding her a load of crap and being too lazy to brush her teeth! Poor kid used to be up on a night sobbing because of toothache

You’re massively projecting onto me and giving me a hard time for giving a shit.

You’ve been aggressive throughout your comments on this thread and 80% of what you’ve said has been very unhelpful and condescending.

My attitude isn’t just because of the clubs she sends her too, there’s a lot more to it than that.

I agree with you OP ignore unicorn I agree they have been unnecessarily aggressive.

However in a similar position... let the anger to the DM go... it does no favours and no one ever sees the damage control you end up doing. I for example have had to teach dsd how to wash, personal hygiene and how to brush her teeth but I did it for the dsd and I don't concern myself with dm as it's none of the sp business to do So!

Take heart and look after yourself!

Thank you El I will take that on board. I guess it’s about picking your battles. I do pretty much do the same as you but get frustrated with the other adults in her life who don’t care and feel like I need to compensate for her sake.

Have you spoken to your partner about him starting to pull his weight at home?

I'm glad you stayed strong and went to work.

Try to get her Mum out of your head, hard I know but all it does is fester resentment.

Support*

Your dp has a duty of care to take her to dentist appointment doctors and opticians it’s not solely down to the mother they both have parental responsibility here.

Unicorn, you are literally horrible on every thread. You never have anything constructive to say. Are you even a step mum? You scream bitter ex wife to me

Start saying things constructive or just bore off with your angry projection

I feel for you op. Both the parents are being lazy arses

Your dp has a duty of care to take her to dentist appointment doctors and opticians it’s not solely down to the mother they both have parental responsibility here.

If the father only has weekend access that limits the possibility of him doing this. If the mother wants shared care of all the weekday stuff she needs to allow 50:50 contact and accept the loss of maintenence.

I didn’t know you follow me around mn I’m rather flattered twodots 😂. No I’m not a Sm but my DH is is SF. However there is no issues between myself ex or his DW to project we actually all get on the mean reason is boundaries and knowing when it’s appropriate to step back