How much does everyone else do for their step children?

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Hi all, I’m new here.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and have known DSD (7) for almost 6. I got pregnant less than a year into the relationship with DD (4).

OH is a lovely man and a good dad but he is so bloody lazy when it comes to actually doing things for the kids, credit given where credits due, he drives the 140 mile round trip twice a weekend every weekend in order to see DSD but that’s about it.

Out of a 17 day holiday we’ve had DSD 24 days of it which I don’t mind as long as I know what’s happening, when she’s coming and when she’s going back. Her BM doesn’t take a great deal of interest in DSD, she tends to palm her off as often as she can during the holidays. Anyway, I do at least 90% of the childcare because I’m ‘doing it anyway for DD.’ I do the cooking, the cleaning up after them, all of their washing, drying, morning routines, nighttime routines, days out etc etc. I do the lion’s share of pretty much everything.

Don’t get me wrong OH works very hard, sometimes life can be unpredictable because of his work and we don’t ever really get a break away (DSD is 7 and she’s never been on a family holiday, nor has DD)

Sometimes the monotony gets me down a bit and I feel as though a lot of what I do is unappreciated an unnoticed. I understand that I’ve probably made a rod for my own back by not putting my foot down but it’s a difficult position to be in. I would never want OH to turn DSD away because I’m putting my foot down, it’s so easy to be cast as the wicked step mother for the smallest reason while the rest of the good you’ve done is forgotten.

What does everyone else do? Are there any others who feel the way I do sometimes? I was very young when I first met DSD (18) and have grown and matured a lot since then and found ways of coping with things differently.

I have my own negative experience of step parents (step mother from hell!) and I’ve learnt a lot from the way she was, I think OH knows this as well and uses it to his advantage and as a result of my experience I over compensate.

I’ve just rang him to say that I’m not getting stick off my boss because himself and BM can’t get themselves organised.

DSD is crying and having a meltdown because her mum isn’t coming for her, she’s barely seen her for the past two weeks so that’s understandable.

I feel like I’m trapped and at the whim of everyone else so I dread to think how DSD is feeling!

I don’t think I can do this any more

They are behaving very badly, this little girl needs to go home to her Mum.
I'd ring your partner and tell him calmly but firmly that he and her Mum need to find a way to get her home today.
That you will be going to work tomorrow.

You really have a partner problem. Don't sit back any longer, he needs to start pulling his weight.

Give her a big hug, poor little girl x

Stop calling the mother BM is disrespect DM will do your being a dick. It sounds like she’s fed up with him being lazy and not pulling his weight as parent. Your blaming her when realistically it’s your oh problem. My Ds is from a previous relationship but me and dh are team when it comes to the kids.

I didn’t realise that BM was disrespectful, there’s no need to fly off at me.

But how would she know?? The are both as bad in my book. I know that OH is the problem and he needs to grow a back bone and do mor.

If he’s due to bring her back then he should be taking her back to her mother it sounds like he’s happy to have everyone else running round after him.

And the things she calls me in front of DSD (including calling me a cunt and a waste of fucking space) isn’t exactly respectful either.

No, it was agreed a week ago that BM would come and pick her up as OH is working away and won’t be back until 11pm!

It’s massively disrespectful she’s in her life for a start it implies that she’s not for a relationship with her child and is a term used for adoption purposes. It’s up to him to be equally aware when his dd is back at school and take her back to school. My ex knows the dates when ds goes back and had no problem dropping him off this morning. He doesn’t start demanding I go and pick him up and take him to school or boss his dw to do it.

Stop using BM

I’m beginning to wonder why she has that point view tbh as you come across that she’s the problem when your oh is. How long after they split did you get together and have your dd?

Get your partner to sort this, he needs to ring her Mum and they need to find a solution to get her home.

Stay calm and firm that they need to sort this.

No he doesn't need to grow a backbone, you do. It is not your job to facilitate contact between DSD and your OH - he needs to be responsible for her as though you're not in the picture. Why should you be taking a day off work instead of him? It's not like he shares the finances fairly with you from his "hard" work so why are you facilitating this for him, especially as you aren't married (I presume by your use of OH rather than DH) - you do realise if you ever split up you'll be entitled to nothing from the business you are enabling him to run?!

I’m wondering if ops got herself far too involved so now her oh takes a backseat

We got together a year after they split. Not that that’s relevant. Just trying to find another reason to bash me.

Ok, I will use DM instead of BM have just seen others use it.

When she’s agreed well in advance that she would pick her DD up then she’s being completely unreasonable to the round tonight and say that she isn’t going to, especially when she has school tomorrow

He knew exactly when she was back at school and also knew that he’d be working late and unable to drop her off himself so that’s why he asked her DM to do it.

You need to stick up for yourself. You should not be taking a day off work for a child that's not yours. He needs to come home and sort it. Even if he has to drive through the night and take her home tomorrow. He is treating you like a housewife while you have none of the benefits of it. Stop doing all housework. Honestly though he will never get better I would be leaving.

I can’t do this anymore

Oh I'm so sorry for you. You've taken on so much to no reward. I hope sc gets home today for your sake as well as hers!

I think you are getting a hard time OP when you are trying your best.

The mum was meant to pick the daughter up and now can’t be bothered. Poor girl and you shouldn’t be inconvenienced. I feel for you. My OH’s EW is a pain in the neck - hasn’t done one pick up or drop off in over 5 years. Only works 3 days a week (we work FT) but expects everyone to run around after her.

Your OH needs to sort this out with the mum. Can you put her in a cab (and the mum should pay).

Keep your chin up.

Then don't! (yes I know that's easy to say) If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got.

I know you are stuck without your car right now but is there anywhere you can go to with just your DD when your OH gets home so you can leave him to sort things out himself?

Pick up the phone to him now.

Tell him to sort it.

Sending you a hug x

tempus- I wouldn't get a four year old out of bed at 11pm when she has school the next day. He isn't violent or anything that we know of.

Sorry blacktea I should have been clearer - I meant 1st thing in the morning before her OH leaves for work again.

But then feel as for DSD. If I kick off it a had a knock on effect on her. Having said that she’s been inconsolable tonight because she hasn’t been able to go home to her mums. If my car was on the road I’d have taken her there myself.

I’m definitely not taking another day off, I’ve told him that and he’s said that he will either get her back early in the morning or he will do some jobs that she can do with him until he can get her back. Poor kid.