Phone calls AIBU?

[jingleberries]

It's just happened again and I'm a tad pissed off. We have DSS EOW and every Wednesday. Also supposed to get a phone call on the NC weekends at 1800 on a Sunday but that rarely happens. When we do get a phone call EVERYTHING gets dropped as DH runs off to chat. Tonight we were half way through a roast dinner at 1900. AIBU to expect him to say 'sorry, eating at moment, I will call u back in 10??' DH thinks I am BU as he doesn't get much time with his ds but I feel if I have cooked a meal and we are all sitting down to eat or we are in a restaurant or something it wouldn't hurt that much to say, I will call you back. Now looking at stodgy remains of dinner gone cold and feeling very grumpy

Swingofthings dinner was at 7. Purposely not arranged for 1800. But this is recurrent. Phone call never at 1800 as per order but a variable time

I'd be annoyed, but annoyed by the ex not ensuring the child calls at the specified time. What if you were waiting to go out? You shouldn't have to arrange your evening around a call that might or might not come. I would certainly ensure my child called at 6pm every Sunday and arrange my day so we were back home at that time to make the call.

Then again, waiting for people that are late annoys me so maybe my judgement is clouded!

Why not do dinner for you and your husband at 8:30/9 when SS will likely be in bed and you get uninterrupted evening?

My OH does this all the time just as were sitting to eat. It’s very rarely DSD though and if it was her I wouldn’t mind.

I get frustrated when people ring him right on dinner time and tea time because it’s always stuff that could wait.
Could you not eat a little earlier to avoid this happening? Surely if you know that he rings at this time you could sort dinner out to be ready a bit earlier.

X posted! Sorry, I can see why you’re annoyed but if I’m honest I think I’d just bite my tongue with this one.

How is a speakerphone a good solution??

Swingofthings dinner was at 7. Purposely not arranged for 1800. But this is recurrent. Phone call never at 1800 as per order but a variable time
Ok, then yes, annoying. Who calls, the mother? She needs to be reminded of the court order, or at least text in the morning if they are out somewhere and not due back by 6pm.

45mns in a long chat so he clearly enjoys/wants to speak to his dad. Is is always that long?

We had exactly the same. Call was supposed to be at 7pm but could be any time from 5pm to 8.30pm, or not at all. It is a long time to be stressed out waiting for the call, knowing it will almost certainly be when you sit down to eat. Like you, I wondered if ex had a spy in our house so she picked the most inconvenient time. I think it's about control. She was reminded several times by court that the call was supposed to be at 7pm, but always made a flaky excuse. In the end I just stressed every time the phone call was due and ended up with a fear of the phone ringing. It only went on for 4 years as then she cut all contact. There is nothing you can do. If you can not let it bother you, you are winning.

He doesn't get his kid much, and if the call is part of court-ordered contact, it sounds like he had to fight to even get what he has. So yeah, I would expect the call to take priority. You can't change what time his son will call, so try and change your own expectations of a Sunday evening to take into account that this call will be prioritised by your DH.

From the other side of things it may be that DSS is eating his own dinner at 6pm or they are out for the day and not back until 7 and that is why the call is later. I'd just be thankful she lets him call at all I think as I hear of so many parents who wouldn't/don't.

If the call is scheduled for 6 then I wouldn't be planning to have dinner on the table for 7 anyway, that sounds like you are imposing a 1 hour limit on the call

Just eat earlier or later, or unclench about your precious Family Dinner.

I do think YABU, it’s not your SS fault it’s the only time you can spend time with your DH. And I think YABVU to get snippy about him dropping everything for his child. There’s nothing more unattractive than a dad that can’t be arsed.

DS1 goes to his dad’s EOW and he calls home sometimes, we drop whatever we’re doing to speak to him.

Also, if your DH can’t call their house, how do you propose he calls his son back in 10 minutes?

Would you feel less resentful if it was your DH cooking dinner instead of you, so you wouldn't feel like you'd gone to all this effort for family time only for your DH to scurry off to take a phone call? Alternatively if the phone call is never at 6pm then why not sit down to eat at 6pm safe in the knowledge the phone won't ring till 7pm or whatever? You're getting interrupted now regardless so might as well stick to your preferred time.

TBH I think PP's have been unduly harsh with you, it's relatively insignificant crap like this that accumulates to become a much bigger deal than it actually is and tips you over the edge. However in this particular case I can understand why your DH is reluctant to say "I'll call you back" if his ex is the awkward type - if he had the kind of relationship where he knew the phone would be picked up if he called back in 10 mins then he'd be able to phone DS himself at 6pm in the first place.

If they never call at the arranged time of 6pm. Why dont you do the meal for 6pm, if the call comes in on time the oven will still be warm enough to keep dh meal warm.
Or do the meal at a time you know dss definitely isnt going to call

For the record i dont think yabu to be annoyed by it. However, i dont believe you should make your dh aware of how it annoys you as its not his or dss fault.

He could suggest calling back in 10 mins but there could a whole load of reasons why he doesnt

Tempus you are completely right. Thank you. And it's not his fault or DSS but it is bloody frustrating! And NC I like your thinking!! I think 1800 will be dinner time cause that is about the only time I can guarantee the phone call won't come!!

This is where you make the dinner for 6pm and the phone call happens at 6 always the way

Dipping so so true! Don't think it's happened once at six but if the calls start at six I am having the house swept for bugging devices!!!!

Rather than focussing on a problem you can’t really solve (DSS’s DM’s unreliability) could you have a dinner-saving contingency?

This kind of thing happens to us sometimes (not with DSS, contact is thankfully very relaxed and civilised) and whoever is not on the call just wraps everything up and keeps it warm, and we have dinner part two a little later.

Of course if you’re ready to bung everything back in a warm oven at a moment’s notice, the laws of the universe mean you won’t have to put the plan into action.

I know it’s really annoying when someone else (the ex) appears to be calling all the shots, but the only way to stay sane is to devise ways of feeling you have some control.

So this happens once a fortnight? Thereabouts.

Suck it up.

OP - you can’t control the mother and what time she makes the calls (even though it’s court ordered by the sound of things) so really do think your OH should make the calls. This is in your control and solves the problem. If your court order is similar to my OH’s - the mother has to make them available? This has been in my OH’s contact order for over 3 years but the mother wouldn’t call the dad (why should she - in her world contact is for the dad, not the benefit of her own children). Put your energy into what you can control.

I think yabvu.

The thought that my DSS couldn't just of rang his Dad or me when he felt like it.

What will happen in a few years time and he is a teen and can ring when he likes? Are you going to limit their call time?

I know it’s annoying, but yes twice a month? I’d give your OH some slack. At least he’s not jumping to his exes beck and call every day... like some of us have been... Urgh!