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Original poster

Children / stepchildren buying cards, presents themselves for their parents?

30 replies

NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2017 13:36

I have a question regarding children / stepchildren buying cards or giving presents to their parents.

I have 2 DSC aged 9 & 12 (I’m the SM).

The children tell me how they buy Christmas, birthday, Mother’s day cards, presents for their mum. Last Mother’s Day my OH (their dad) paid for a Mother’s Day gift for their mum that they wanted to buy.

They have never made or bought a card for their dad. I always have to prompt them, take them out and buy one. It’s the same with presents. I do feel for my OH as he does a lot for them (he’s the NRP).

At what age would you expect them to make or buy a card, or buy a small gift for their dad?

They don’t think to themselves - since I’ve known them I’ve taken them out and got them to choose a card / present for their dad for Father’s Day, Christmas, his birthday etc. The children wouldn’t otherwise (they do tell me that they buy something for their mum).

They received £150 each in cash for Christmas so they do have some spends.

At what age would you expect them to take some initiative (and pay for it) themselves?

It’s their dads birthday next week and they won’t have thought to make, or get a card.

Your thoughts?

OP posts:
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ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/12/2017 13:52

They are young. They will need prompting. I would assume someone is helping them with shopping for their mum - may even be mum herself.

Original poster
NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2017 13:58

Thanks @ohreallyohreallyoh.

I prompt them for their dad and take them out, buy. Have had to put my foot down as Father’s Day they wanted to buy him (i.e me) a £60 bottle of aftershave. It was the same at Christmas. Happy to help but not at £60 a pop.

Not sure who’s prompting on the mums side.

When would you expect the older to remember / start buying even something small?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 28/12/2017 14:06

3 teens here and none of them would think to buy a gift for either of us! I think you being a SM is a red herring

They should pay for gifts when they are working and earning money, their dad wouldn't want them to spend their Christmas money on him, I know I would want my kids too.

Original poster
NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2017 14:07

Thanks @GreenTulips

OP posts:
Magda72 · 28/12/2017 14:07

Hi OP - this is an interesting one.
My dp has 3 boys, 17, 14 & 11. He's the nrp. He always gave them a small amt of money to get their mum (his exw) something for xmas, bday etc. She never did similar.
Last xmas he told his then 16 year old to pool some of his pocket money along with his brothers & to get her something & to also do same for bday etc. Dp felt eldest was old enough to take on responsibility of this.
They bought stuff for their mum but nothing for dp!?!
This year (the year dp & I moved in together) his exw gave them money to shop for dp (first time ever) & they bought him Approx 200 pounds worth of sports gear totally funded by her!!!! which he does not want.
They bought me nothing for the record, & in the three years I've know them they have NEVER bought dp or I a gift until now.
So my point is - I would encourage them to spend their own money on small, funny or thoughtful gifts on both their parents AND their stepparents. Teach them that gift giving is a sign of thanks & thought & that gifts do not need to be expensive. Otherwise, they'll end up pretty selfish like my ss's & will only spend if it's fueled by a parent (who has his/her agenda).
Most kids nowadays have some pocket money squirreled away & I do believe they should be encouraged to spend a little on others.

Original poster
NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2017 14:39

Thanks @Magda@72.

We opened presents a few days before Christmas (we didn’t have them for Christmas Day this year) and as they opened all their own presents they didn’t seem bothered that their dad had nothing (fortunately I had bought him something from them).

I do think you are right. It’s about the thought and giving and teaching kids this. I’ll broach the subject with the 12 year old (who has asked me to take her shopping on Sat so she can spend her £150 Christmas money). I’ll broach the subject of her buying her dad a birthday card.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/12/2017 14:56

Kids can be selfish and not even realise it.

I have had to remind mine to buy their dad a father's day card and bought it in their behalf. They were 14 and 17 at the time.

They seem to remember mother's day...I don't think my husband would remind them.

My SIL is stepmother to niece and nephews and told me how she sent them back to the shops when they bought my brother a cheap gift.

She told them he does a lot for them and they should do better.

They do but her cards and gifts for birthday and I did see a 'like a mum' card to her on mother's day in their house.

They have to be told that it's not just about receiving.

Margaritaanyone89 · 28/12/2017 15:02

I'm a stem Mum, my OH doesn't buy any gifts for his ex and she doesn't for him. We both have our own families for that. Her sister, mother, friend, partner could assist the DC instead of your OH.

I always help my DSC buy gifts for their Dad and a card, it's very normal. I don't expect they'll start indapendant buying gifts until they're 17/18?

Make sure you tell your OH it's important that you receive gifts from the DSC too. You are also important.

Original poster
NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2017 15:03

Thanks @SandyY2K.

I don’t want to seem to pushy and appreciate they aren’t earning. But.... the 9 year old has just been telling me how he’s bought a new iPad with his birthday money and he got £150 for Christmas in money. So I think I can start to chat to them about giving (as well as receiving).

I don’t expect anything for myself. But it’s the thought for their dad.

Appreciate the advice.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 28/12/2017 15:09

I wouldn’t expect them to use their own money until they were 18 or earning their own money to be honest.
I buy the presents with my DSD for her dad, someone on her mums side does it for her Mum but the present has to fit into my budget.
I wouldn’t expect my DD to use her own money until she was that age.
My oh does get me gifts from DSD on birthdays and Christmas though so it feels fair in that respect

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 28/12/2017 16:39

I have 16,14 and 11 year old kids. I still prompt them to buy for their Dad. It's his birthday next week and we are going into town on Saturday so I've already told them that we need to find him a gift while there.

On the other hand, ex has never helped the kids get me a birthday, Mother's Day or Xmas present. The older 2 buy online or go to a shop. The youngest uses my Amazon account but has to tell me how much he's spending before hitting buy.

MycatsaPirate · 28/12/2017 22:39

Both my girls have been buying gifts for me from a young age ... 7/8 or so. Ok, they would have to ask me for a £1 or two but they really wanted to buy me something even if it was a bar of chocolate from the corner shop!

DD1 is 19 and DD2 is 12. Both buy presents for me, dp, each other, and their two stepsisters each year and have done every year. DD2 used to ask me for money to help her get something for people but it was normally a little thing at £2-3 but now she saves up her money and uses her own to buy presents.

MycatsaPirate · 28/12/2017 22:40

Just to add, Dp's oldest always buys for everyone too. His youngest (14) doesn't buy for anyone, not even her dad, either at Xmas or birthdays and doesn't even acknowledge them. Or Father's day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2017 22:45

My DSC are younger than yours and have no problems knowing when gift giving opportunities are coming up, having (random as hell) nice ideas for what they’d like to choose. At school this year there was a pocket money gift stand specifically for them to buy for parents. For Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays and Christmas we have a chat with them about what they want to give and make or help choose a card. Gift giving is very important, they’re well old enough to look forward to seeing someone they love and appreciate opening a well chosen thoughtful gift. When away with their mother they used some of their pocket money to buy us little gifts, in the same way we do for them. Certainly wasn’t her idea as she’s never sorted out gifts for DH for any occasion. Before we got together he didn’t get anything from them but they were very little.

They get presents, give their friends presents, I don’t actually think it’s complicated at all. My DSC don’t get much pocket money and don’t have access to any money gifts for birthdays etc so at the moment they choose gifts with DH or me for the other. I hadn’t really anticipated getting presents from them but it’s what we do together for DH and so they also want to give me things. DH owns a baffling array of themed socks, a weird chef’s hat, loads of stuff with their faces on, jewellery, handfuls of cards. They chose them themselves, that’s what matters! I’d draw the line at £60 aftershave. Bloody hell. But then they’re not very worldly and really do prefer to give things branded with they pictures. You’d be amazed at what you can buy these days! Grin

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2017 22:50

Sort to post again but I think it’s a habit you just get into. Occasions are spread throughout the year and no one can avoid the incessant marketing of all the events, even little ones. Father’s Day and birthdays in particular are good opportunities to take a moment to show dad you care about them. A favourite chocolate bar and a card will mean far more than aftershave.

Maybe83 · 28/12/2017 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Egg · 28/12/2017 23:10

Mine are 9 and 11 and this was the first year they independently wanted to buy something for me and DH. They bought stuff in the pound shop / Primark, nothing over £2 and they used their own pocket money.

user1493413286 · 29/12/2017 07:56

Just to add I’d disagree with them using their Christmas money to buy presents. I think pocket money is a bit different but it depends how much they get; if it’d take an entire months pocket money to buy the gift it seems unfair.
I’d be upset if someone expected me to use my Christmas money to buy gifts and if I’ve given children money for Christmas it’s to buy themselves something for them or for savings

FlippingFoal · 29/12/2017 13:44

I did presents and (handmade) cards for both dad and mum last year but this year I only did for dad due to mum's hostility. I don't think the children should have to buy out of their own money (unless they suggest it) but I do believe that it is important for them to experience the reward of giving of gifts. Some SM may not be comfortable doing this I guess and some may see it as overstepping boundaries but in my case if I didn't, nonone would have,,,,

Original poster
NorthernSpirit · 29/12/2017 13:57

Thanks for all the advice.

I’m not expecting them to spend their Christmas money or pocket money. It’s the gift of giving that I believe is important. Even if it’s handmade or I find it (to an extent, I won’t be finding £60 gifts).

Kids seem to get loads of Christmas presents and are happy to receive but at what age do we teach them the art of giving? That was my question.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 29/12/2017 14:03

My children have bought presents for each other and for us since they were babies. With increasing independence! Grin

But I always give them some extra money for Christmas shopping.and will order online if they ask me to.

Aragog · 29/12/2017 14:06

DD is 15y and always boys me and dh a birthday/Christmas gift from her pocket money. She has done this for the last 2 or 3 years since having a monthly allowance. Before that, we would give her cash to do so and/or go out with her to purchase something for the other person. Even when she was small we would take her out to get a gift for the other parent,

We always gave her about £10-15 to spend on each and she spends a similar amount now - we've told her not to spend more as her allowance needs to be used for other things too.

She likes to go out and choose a gift to give. No reminders given and no expectation.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 29/12/2017 14:55

I've always bought my DH presents from my DSC since we've been together. Their DSDad would buy their DMum presents on their behalf.

DSD is 15 and this year for the first time bought us both birthday presents from her own pocket money! Very touched, but it wasn't repeated at Xmas, no biggy, she just sent me links of what she wanted to buy her dad and I duly obliged!

FeistyColl · 30/12/2017 16:40

You are modelling the 'art of giving' by taking them shopping for other people's presents from the word go. Children experience the pleasure and responsibility of thinking of others.

But it sounds as if you are expecting your dsc to be more independent in the process than is reasonable at their ages.

Like most learnt skills, It will develop over time and at different rates for different children. And ultimately some will be better at it than others

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 01/01/2018 23:53

I basically bought cards and presents from my step kids for their Dad for 6 years. The last two years we were together I stopped, as they were over 18 by that stage! Still saw their Dad almost every day.

No cards or presents for Father’s Day. Or his birthday. Two small presents for Christmas from two kids (one did nothing) because he gave them an amazon wish list printed out (worth trying).

Nothing for me, their half brother or step brothers birthdays ever. One present for half brother only last Christmas- a top the wrong age (he’s 6 not 4).

Moral of tale - hand hold now but set expectations early!