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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Christmas

47 replies

cpjoli · 19/12/2017 20:07

So we have ds here full time and dss eow. Christmas are alternate between us and his mum. This year it's her turn so we have him boxing day when obviously he'll open his gifts. Ds will open his Christmas day which means he sits and watches dss on boxing day. Dss is 8.
The first year I bought ds a few extras to open at the same time but this year ive been told not to.
Ds is a teen but has SEN and I don't like the thought of him being jealous or upset.
I don't know what to do.
Any input appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Heratnumber7 · 19/12/2017 20:09

Save some or all of DS's until Boxing day and make that your main celebration day. It's not fair to get one son more than the other.

beingsunny · 19/12/2017 20:10

Can you make your Christmas celebrations on Boxing Day?
I wouldn't think it fair to buy your some extra presents to he doesn't feel left out, or you could hold a few gifts back until Boxing Day.

Original poster

cpjoli · 19/12/2017 20:54

We can't do it all boxing day as my mum is here for christmas day. Ds had quite an expensive main present and not much else so can't really hold stuff back.
I see it as dss gets 2 lots so ds should too. Although ds would get token bits ie smelled socks etc on boxing day.
My mum tells me to get over it and accept that dss will always get more.
My anxiety over Christmas is getting unbearable !!

OP posts:

Buggeritimgettingup · 19/12/2017 21:00

Who told you?

Heratnumber7 · 19/12/2017 22:39

Your mum is a grown up. Surely she can wait 24 hours for her present.

swingofthings · 20/12/2017 07:59

How will your ds react if you explain it to him first? Does your DS no see his dad/family?What thing you could do is get each to buy a present for each other and these they open on the day, so that your DS still gets a present and also get the enjoyment of seeing dss open his from him.

If there is anything dss is likely to get that would be of interest to ds too (ie. a game), I would ensure his dad has a talk to him shortly afterwards about sharing and explaining that it would be a nice thing to do considering he sat there watching him open his present.

Isadora2007 · 20/12/2017 08:07

Who says you can’t buy extra? Especially if it’s stuff he’d get anyway...
Buy it now as if its for Xmas then “keep it back” for Boxing Day on xmas eve.

CosmicCanary · 20/12/2017 09:45

I see it as dss gets 2 lots so ds should too.

Thats the real issues isnt it?

I dont think it is because DS may get upset I think it is because YOU dont see why an 8 yo should get 2 Christmases ( 1 with mum 1 with dad) and your DS just has 1 Christmas day.

Just buy a few bits for your DS to open rather than helping him understand that DSS has Christmas day a day later with his dad.

My own DS has SEN and when his siblings have birthdays he gets angry because he does not get a gift. I explain it to him 3 times a year and I will continue to do so.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/12/2017 14:48

Who told you not to buy extra? I would....
10000% he should have gifts to open too

user1493413286 · 20/12/2017 14:54

Now we’ve got our own DD I’m planning on future years to hold some back or just get a few extra as DSD does get double which is fair and isn’t exactly a pay off for having separated parents but I can’t stand to have DD just watch her unwrapping and not have her own. Who has told you not to? If it’s your Mum then ignore her, it’s your child

Tinselistacky · 20/12/2017 15:00

Ah but your ds gets to see both his dps on Christmas day. And every day.

Capelin · 20/12/2017 15:02

I would ask DS which he would prefer - to have his main present on Boxing Day and a small one on Xmas day, or the other way around.

LineyRunner · 20/12/2017 15:05

Who told you?

PhuntSox · 20/12/2017 15:12

So both children get a Christmas Day with their mum, and both get a boxing day with their dad but only one gets presents? Why not give presents from you on Christmas Day and presents from DH on Boxing Day, he could then make sure he treats both boys the same.

funkyzebra · 20/12/2017 15:23

Just a thought... you could take your DS out for a special treat somewhere on Boxing Day for a little while while DSS opens his presents from his dad?
I'm not sure I agree with the rationale that your son should get another lot of presents on Boxing Day because his step brother got some from his Mum. This is just how things happen when families split up.
I don't know how amicable things are but maybe your partner and his ex could go halves on Christmas presents next year so DSS gets one lot of pressies and then just stocking things at yours on the Boxing Day. Then both boys could open stocking things on Boxing Day but have main pressies on Christmas Day?

Original poster

cpjoli · 20/12/2017 15:44

My DH is pretty against me buying more as he doesn't see why Ds should get 2 lots. My mum said I shouldn't. I'm just confused !!
Ds had no contact with his dad. I just don't want him sitting there feeling left out.
DH and his ex are not amicable.
I do like the idea of taking d's out. He wants to see a film, I wonder if cinemas are open ?
Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

CocaColaTruck · 20/12/2017 15:52

Your DH is being a prick.Get extra presents and tell him to get lost.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/12/2017 15:53

DH is being an ass. If you want to buy your DS extra gifts do sa and tell him to get lost.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/12/2017 16:47

Urgh! It is not your step child’s fault that they get more presents. It’s circumstance. Just as the child at the end of the street gets more and your son’s friend gets less. There is no need to even up the score.

I do think, however, that you are right to have your son have a few things to open when your step child is opening theirs. But that’s not the same as getting two sets of presents.,

Tinselistacky · 20/12/2017 17:32

Why would your ds get extra gifts? He had his special day, his sb deserves a special time with his df too. Don't make it a materialistic affair, make plans for the 2 boys together - or dss isn't getting a day out!! You would be making your ds out to be getting special treatment because dss couldn't be there Xmas day!! Hardly his fault!!

LineyRunner · 20/12/2017 17:52

There's nothing wrong with getting your son a selection box and something like a shower set to open, surely? Or some bottles of classic coke. Cheap(ish), won't get wasted.

funkyzebra · 20/12/2017 18:04

@Tinselistacky why do you think it is wrong that she takes her DS out for an hour or two whilst DSS opens his presents? Her ds has SEN and may be confused by the situation.
So what that ds has a small trip out that dss doesn't but then dss got a whole load of presents that ds didn't. Seems fair to me. Not because it's a game of who got the most but because he has SEN and may not understand. DSS's mother will (likely) take him out for treats so why can't the op take her son out without the accusation that it is unfair on DSS.
OP, honestly I don't think there is a 'right' answer in this situation. Someone will always say you are doing something wrong... spending too much/too little. Do what you think is best for your family. Only you know what will work best.

Tinselistacky · 20/12/2017 18:28

Surely the dss is worth them all sharing in his joy of opening his gifts? Just saying the op seems determined the ds is going to be given another special day when it's not the dss fault he missed the first one!!

LineyRunner · 20/12/2017 18:34

sharing in his joy of opening his gifts

It's a child opening some presents, not the 2nd coming... And the OP's son has SEN and yes that does make a difference whether other people like it or not.

SlickBubbles · 20/12/2017 18:35

Cinemas are definitely open Boxing Day - was my thing to do when my kids went to their dads.

My kids have presents with me Christmas day and their dad boxing day. They have a half sister there. I know they have stockings, all three of them, on boxing Day. Could you do that? A stocking for boxing day?

Otherwise, I would take DS out tbh.

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