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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas

47 replies

cpjoli · 19/12/2017 20:07

So we have ds here full time and dss eow. Christmas are alternate between us and his mum. This year it's her turn so we have him boxing day when obviously he'll open his gifts. Ds will open his Christmas day which means he sits and watches dss on boxing day. Dss is 8.
The first year I bought ds a few extras to open at the same time but this year ive been told not to.
Ds is a teen but has SEN and I don't like the thought of him being jealous or upset.
I don't know what to do.
Any input appreciated.

OP posts:

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funkyzebra · 20/12/2017 18:41

@Tinselistacky I think that's a bit ridiculous really. I doubt DSS will care if his stepmum and step brother are watching him open his presents. In fact he may feel a bit awkward if he knows that it will be upsetting for DS if he isn't getting any at the same time. The main point of him being there is to spend time with his dad. He may even appreciate and hour or so of alone time with his dad anyway.
It's essential to include step-children and make them feel welcome and equal to their step/half siblings. But prioritising step-children over all other children makes no sense to me. There is also the worry that they start to feel that everything revolves around them and with them getting presents from lots of extra people that they become spoilt and entitled.

Killerfairy · 20/12/2017 18:47

You need to stop the one man up manship you are neutering between the two boys.

Give him a packet of socks to open if it will mske him feel better and stop being bitter towards your dss

Original poster

cpjoli · 20/12/2017 20:38

I am most certainly not bitter !! I do more for him than his own mother does. I want full custody but that's not the issue here.
Yes ds SEN means he doesn't understand. As far as he's concerned, dss has had Christmas. We try very hard to treat them equally which is why I find this unfair.
Thanks for the input. I think I'll just pop to Primark tomorrow to pick up some small bits for him to open.

OP posts:

CosmicCanary · 20/12/2017 20:40

We try very hard to treat them equally which is why I find this unfair.

How is it unfair?

Killerfairy · 20/12/2017 20:40

But it's not unfair! Your dss hasn't had Christmas with his dad regardless what your ds thinks...

CosmicCanary · 20/12/2017 20:43

It really is starting to sound like its you who has the problem not DS?

Is DSS not allowed to open his birthday presents infront of DS either or do you buy DS gifts on that day too as its unfair on him ?

MycatsaPirate · 20/12/2017 22:37

I get this. It's weird to think of everyone sitting about watching one child go through a pile of presents with no one else opening anything!

I would definitely buy some smaller things for him to open like pjs, socks, a tee shirt, some smellies etc. Wilko's do some really great little gadgets for a pound or two each which may be worth looking at.

It's not about one getting more than the other but more the fact that your ds doesn't understand WHY he is not having two Christmas Days' when his stepbrother does.

We used to have DSD over for an hour on Xmas day afternoon but no longer have her at all. It was awkward. She would be sat opening presents and we would just sit watching her. It didn't matter if we kept back a few things for my DD's, it still left DSD with a massive pile of stuff and she probably felt just as awkward with an audience watching her every move.

It really is difficult for everyone. Trying to keep things fair, trying to ensure everyone feels equal but in the middle of it is normally an extremely stressed out woman trying to sort out the logistics of it all.

C0untDucku1a · 20/12/2017 22:42

Why not send dss presents to his mum's for him to open on xmas day?

2gorgeousboys · 20/12/2017 22:46

We've never spent Christmas Day with DSS, so we always do Christmas Day number 2 in Boxing Day. When the boys were little I would have a few presents reserved for DSS to give to his Ddad and brothers but now we exchange presents with DSS and I have a couple of extras for DS1 and 2 to open.

They don't need to be expensive presents but it's nice for everyone to be opening presents together rather than everyone sat round watching 1 person open gifts.

Fishface77 · 20/12/2017 22:50

DS had SEN. If it doesn't break the bank buy him a few bits of tat to open. Fuck "D"H! Tell him to Have a heart!

Killerfairy · 20/12/2017 23:10

Why not send dss presents to his mum's for him to open on xmas day?

Christ on a bike! Why doesn't dss not even come then it will be just easier for everyone - sarcastic ..

C0untDucku1a · 22/12/2017 18:44

killerfairy what a reasonable reply - more sarcasm

Runlovingmummy81 · 22/12/2017 19:42

Can't you have boxing day as your Xmas day.... Just push it all back 24 hours. It's only every other year?

funkyzebra · 22/12/2017 20:27

@Runlovingmummy81 I think that's a nice idea but in reality though you can't just delay Christmas. If you're having other family round or going to anyone else's then it will be on Christmas Day.
Also it would be unfair on her DS. I don't see how it would be fair for DSS to always get two christmases (Christmas Day and Boxing Day) and for DS not to get to celebrate Christmas Day every other year.

Runlovingmummy81 · 22/12/2017 20:44

I know it's always going to be tricky. Problem is you can never please everyone! I agree it's unfair for dss to have 2 Christmases but it's not his fault either....

Runlovingmummy81 · 22/12/2017 20:52

My partner and I have 3 boys between us we always get them things we would be buying them anyway for Christmas so smellies, trainers, pj's, pants, chocolate. Could DS have those type of things boxing day? And his main presents Xmas day?

Adviceplease360 · 22/12/2017 20:56

We used to have DSD over for an hour on Xmas day afternoon but no longer have her at all.

So your dsd doesn't see her dad ar Christmas now? Wtf

MycatsaPirate · 22/12/2017 21:16

adviceplease Nope, he hasn't seen her for two years at all. Not for the lack of trying on his part I may add. But his ex moved away and contact pretty much stopped and calls and emails went unanswered. Then his ex was diagnosed with cancer and it was difficult to get in touch with any of them and dp really didn't want to drag a dying woman through courts. Now his DD lives with her stepdad and they have gone through mediation with the intention of getting contact reinstated. It's complicated and long - there are a couple of threads running in stepparenting if you have the urge to know more.

cashmerecardigans · 22/12/2017 21:23

I just see it that DSS gets his presents from you when he sees you. I'd just tell DS that these are your presents for him and he couldn't have them yesterday as he wasn't here. I've got DSC and to honest this has never occurred to me. My DC just saw their step siblings opening presents from us on another day and they knew they'd already had theirs.Not sure if I'm missing something but just don't see this as a big thing

CurlyRover · 23/12/2017 08:54

As you alternate which year you see him, in the future could you reduce the amount of presents you but DSS on those years he's with his Mum? Buy him a few token things and your DS a few token things so they each have a similar amount to open on boxing day. Then when you have DSS Christmas day you could buy him more.

HeckyPeck · 23/12/2017 10:27

I think you're absolutely right to buy your DS a couple of extra things.

I'm from a split home and I would have felt really uncomfortable opening a load of presents with my step-siblings just having to sit there and watch me.

swingofthings · 23/12/2017 15:41

Surely the obvious solution is to buy what you would both agree to buy within your budget and think is reasonable. Then explain to your DS that as DSS won't be there on the Xmas day, he'll open his presents then and ask whether he would prefer to open all his presents on Xmas day, or would he rather OP keep a couple so that he gets to open a few more with his SB. He will say either way and that's that. I understand he has SEN but as a teenager, surely he can make a decision on this choice if it is explained to him what it means either way.

Honestly, why do people have to make things so complicated and then blame it on step-parenting?

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