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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Hardly get to see partner due to his daughter

53 replies

cornishmaid72 · 09/11/2017 12:34

My partner works away Mon-Fri, and every other weekend we have his 3-yr old daughter for the whole weekend, and every other Sunday. This means I don't get to see him alone very much...like one day in 14! I love my step daughter dearly, but she exhausts us and we collapse into bed early when she is here, so no romantic meals for us! We are struggling as we just don't get to see each other on our own very much. I understand that the SD is important, but I think my relationship is important too! Just asking for practical advice as to how we can get time together to make it work, as we are growing apart. The SD lives a 2.5 hour drive away, which my partner has to do, there and back, as the ex won't drive down to us, for some reason. I have a good relationship with the ex. Also bear in mind that my partner didn't want a child, she was conceived after a very very brief dalliance, and he didn't know she was born until she was 3 months old. Also he didn't tell me he had a child until six months after me and him got together. I love him a lot and don't want to split up.

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 09/11/2017 13:27

Its not her, its him.

Original poster

cornishmaid72 · 09/11/2017 13:51

Wow, what a load of horrible old trolls you are. Was wanting constructive comments not abuse. This is my first experience of Mumsnet and will be my last. Goodbye haters.

OP posts:

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 09/11/2017 13:53

Fucking hell, sensitive much? What is your problem?

bottlesandcans · 09/11/2017 13:57

'Goodbye haters.'

IhaveapenIhavepineapple · 09/11/2017 14:00

Well that was a quick flounce.

Auspiciouspanda · 09/11/2017 14:03

There's plenty of women out there that prefer their partner be a shit dad so they have more time and money for them and their children.

BastardGoDarkly · 09/11/2017 14:03

You got constructive advice? You just didn't like it.

Did you want.... Yeah, selfish kid, go no contact immediately?!

Justmuddlingalong · 09/11/2017 14:05

Here's your rattle, I think you dropped it.

Hellomaryimback · 09/11/2017 14:05

😂😂😂

Wow! This thread is tame compared to others love!

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 09/11/2017 14:06

😂 that was fast!

Blackcatonthesofa · 09/11/2017 14:09

OP sounds young and without sympathy for the kid. They'll break up when she wants one of her own.

BastardGoDarkly · 09/11/2017 14:10

Don't know Black I presumed the 72 in her name was DOB, but could be wrong.

Alittlepotofrosie · 09/11/2017 15:16

This relationship isn't going to work. Find someone who doesnt have kids. You aren't cut out to be a stepmum (in The nicest possible way)

swingofthings · 09/11/2017 17:08

You said it yourself, you don't have a choice, so I'm not sure what you were hoping to read. I suspect some reassurance that it would be acceptable to suggest to your OH that he cuts down on a day seeing his DD hence posting here rather than elsewhere, which would have made you feel better about bringing it up.

As you've read, and how deep inside you knew, this certainly wouldn't be a fair suggestion to make. The only suggestion I could come up with was both going to pick her up so you have this time for your too. I have found (albeit with my kids rather than OH) that spending time together in a car is a good conduit for worthy discussions as no distraction from other media.

To be honest, just thinking about it, your situation is not that different to many couples and as I type I realise that I don't spend that much more time with my OH! I leave for work before he is up, he is usually either working late, or at the gym so won't be home before 7/8pm, then will be showering and cooking his dinner (I have mine much earlier), and we are lucky to seat down together once or twice a week for 1/2 hour before I go to bed.

Week-end, I spend more than half of it with my kids, taking them to activities, then do the mountains of chores and we both do sports separately. He makes time to see his friends and so do I, it's a treat when we get to go for a walk together, or go out for dinner. We do talk about making more time for each other, but the reality is that our way of life mean that we're not. It sounds like your see your OH alone more often than I do!

lunar1 · 09/11/2017 17:08

What on earth do you want everyone to say? Course he should put you first and just see his child every other month??

Belleoftheball8 · 09/11/2017 17:30

Grow up op

LineysRum · 09/11/2017 18:01

Ten hours in a car every other Sunday? The little girl for five hours?? Goodness.

wowbutter · 09/11/2017 18:08

Th child's needs trump yours I'm afraid. What if she was your child? Would you be moaning you get no alone time??
Don't date people with kids... simples.

lifeandtheuniverse · 09/11/2017 20:41

Let me sum it up for you - tough shit!

Yes he lied to you - sometime ago - you chose to say.
Conception - he did not practice safe sex - things happen he is 50% responsible.
He is actually trying to parent - as poor as it is for this poor kid and you want him to drop it.

Who moved - him or ex? If her did them he lumps the travel - his choice. The mother is not in the wrong. Him seeing his kid, faciltiating this and making it work is the priority - you are not.

Biglettuce · 09/11/2017 22:08

I think a 5 hour round trip is unsustainable every weekend, it’s crazy. However ideally as a Dad he’d love to see her as often as he can I’m sure.

I would have thought one weekend in four with just you as a couple was important to grow your relationship. However he might reject / resent this.

I’d be considering if this man really does have time money or room for a new partner and more kids. Personally- I’d be picking someone else.

Melony6 · 10/11/2017 02:58

The little girl no doubt sleeps on the long journey so won’t want to go to bed that night. She shouldn’t really wear two adults out.
I would read up on some child development books so you have a happier time with her.
And she isn’t going anywhere any time soon so the best thing is to ditch the house, move much nearer (he can’t have time for doing up houses anyhow) and alter the time she spends with you to suit you all better. How much time and effort you give her now will effect your relationship with her for the rest of your lives.

swingofthings · 10/11/2017 07:41

Re-read the first post and frankly the whole arrangement sounds mad. Surely he stays there when he goes to see her rather than travel 10 hours a day?

He is incredibly dedicated to do this every week-end in addition to his working all other the place (so travelling?).

It's not clear who moved, whether you have decided to stay where you are because of your job, as it sounds like it wouldn't matter so much for him. Did you meet where you are currently residing? It sounds like things were not planned for the best to start with, hence now this crazy situation. I can't believe your OH is coping with the fatigue and stress that comes with his lifestyle.

NeverTwerkNaked · 10/11/2017 07:52

His job is the issue not his daughter. He is admirable for doing all that driving.

SandyY2K · 10/11/2017 12:09

So didn't he see her in the first six months?

As others have said ... it's his job... not his DD.

I wouldn't be with him for the fact he hid his DD.

strawberrypenguin · 10/11/2017 12:19

His daughter should come before you. You really want him to be a crap dad? I couldn’t respect someone who didn’t prioritise his kid like that.

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