Hardly get to see partner due to his daughter

[cornishmaid72]

My partner works away Mon-Fri, and every other weekend we have his 3-yr old daughter for the whole weekend, and every other Sunday. This means I don't get to see him alone very much...like one day in 14! I love my step daughter dearly, but she exhausts us and we collapse into bed early when she is here, so no romantic meals for us! We are struggling as we just don't get to see each other on our own very much. I understand that the SD is important, but I think my relationship is important too! Just asking for practical advice as to how we can get time together to make it work, as we are growing apart. The SD lives a 2.5 hour drive away, which my partner has to do, there and back, as the ex won't drive down to us, for some reason. I have a good relationship with the ex. Also bear in mind that my partner didn't want a child, she was conceived after a very very brief dalliance, and he didn't know she was born until she was 3 months old. Also he didn't tell me he had a child until six months after me and him got together. I love him a lot and don't want to split up.

5 hours in a car for his little 3 year old sounds awful! It's not quality time for her. As others have said, can't you stay near mum when he goes down on a Sunday? Or, if it doesn't matter where he lives for his job, can't you move closer to her Mum? Depending on what job you do of course, would it be feasible to get a job elsewhere for You?

Hi OP, I actually understand how you’re feeling. I did this, but first with one baby and then with two. I put my foot down about working away now I’m back at work after maternity. My DP had to work away when we had our children to provide for us and his other children. I love it when people say it’s the job that’s the problem, but if he was sat at home and not providing for his child, the mumsnet masses would criticise that too, so you really can’t win. Sometimes jobs around the corner don’t exist and needs must.

With our situation, due to the fact there has been police involvement with DPs ex (who left him but has continued to harass and threaten us), I no longer have any involvement with his children and they can’t know where we live now. They’re of an age where unfortunately their mothers behaviour has influenced them and they assist in her game playing and it’s still pure nastiness 5.5 years on. I need to think about myself and my children and I’m not playing anymore.
DP maintains a relationship away from our home which he has to travel an hour each way to do (much more at other times). It worked out he was seeing his other children more than he saw me and our children who he apparently ‘lived’ with. Our very rare days as a family were spent catching up doing things I couldn’t do with two very small kids in tow and a full time job e.g cleaning the house, food and clothes shopping, gardening etc. He didn’t bond with our first child for over a year. It was horrible. I was resentful and exhausted.

I wouldn’t recommend staying in this relationship. I wish I’d got out before I had children. I would never recommend entering into a relationship where there are already children, but that’s as a result of my experience. I know plenty of people make it work and that’s great. You do have some things on your side i.e. your relationship with the child’s mother is positive, but if the reality is the situation you’re in is for the long haul, I’d seriously rethink before you get in any deeper.

Being a stepmum often means your feelings, thoughts etc. don’t matter and it’s crap. The dynamic is completely different when it’s your own children. You often come last because that’s the way it is and you have a say. A stepmum is expected to contribute when it’s convenient and not when it isn’t, often having no say in the impact decisions made are having on her own life. It’s infuriating and upsetting and you don’t seem fully prepared for it and neither was I.