I think you both need to take it as it comes and not make pronouncements about how you plan to parent. He is being condescending and disrespectful, but it also sounds like you are almost trying to take a stand against how his older DCs were patented, and I can understand how that would get his back up a bit. Frankly I think it makes sense to have a backup cuddly toy — I’ve been there at bedtime when you realize that it’s beeen left somewhere or sicked on and you have an inconsolable 3-year-old who lets nobody sleep. Trust me it’s not fun. Having an extra one around doesn’t mean your child is going to grow up to have the same issues around his/her cuddly toy that your SDC has. It just doesn’t work that way. But of course this is clearly about more than the cuddly toy.
The truth is that we parent the way our children need to be parented, and each child is different. The biggest thing I’ve learned as a parent is that you can do everything “right” and “by the book” — no screen time, perfectly consistent expectations and rewards, only healthy organic food and wooden toys, etc etc— and it doesn’t mean your child will turn out perfect.
I used to look at my nieces and nephews and SWEAR I wasn’t going to do half the things my DS and DB have done with their kids. I thought it was scandalous that my DSIL cooks separate meals for my super-fussy DNeice, and I really believed she was causing or at least fostering the fussy behavior. Now it’s almost a decade later and I find myself doing the same thing. Parenting is much easier in the abstract. And be truth is this IS your DH’s baby too. You can’t expect him to act like he’s never done it before. Just because you openly disapprove of how his DCs are right now doesn’t mean you get to call all the shots with the new baby. And in those dark anxious first nights you may find it very comforting to have a seasoned pro at your side. If you insist on doing everything the opposite of how he wants it done you will quickly alienate him and frankly you will look back and realize you didn’t know as much as you thought you did. (It happens to all of us.)
You also need to remember to pick your battles. If your DH wants to get two cuddly toys, it’s not going to make a bit of difference to how your child turns out. On the other hand, if he wants to leave the child unsupervised in a dangerous situations or even feed him/her fast food every day from the age of 4 months, those are bigger problems. Pick the ones that really matter rather than just trying to make a point or be in control.
It sounds like you may have a difficult road ahead with co-parenting and you may want to consider some counseling with your DH during the pregnancy or early days. These issues are going to come up on literally a daiky basis, and the few months before and after the birth are hormonal, sleepless, and incredibly emotional. It sounds like you both could use some help in how to navigate that time together. It really is an amazing, beautiful time and you should do everything you can to not get bogged down in petty BS. There are things that may feel SO important to you right now, like your birth plan, BFing vs formula, whether to co-sleep, when and how to start solids, how to handle vaccinations, or even how many cuddly toys to buy. At the risk of sounding condescending, you will look back in a few years and realize that none of it matters that much. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be concerned with these things, and your DH has no right to be rude or dismissive about them, but try to take the long view. It will all be easier and happier for everyone if you and your DH maintain a strong, healthy, and joyful marriage. If you think there’s enough love there that that is a possibility, you should both do all you can to maintain it. The first order of business is your DH learning communicate more respectfully and you learning not to use his older DCs as an example of what not to do. Good luck, OP. Sorry I wrote a novel, I do have some experience with this stuff and it all just came tumbling out :).