Am i being selfish?

[mugonmyhead]

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this.

I am currently having an argument with my partner because he says I am selfish. I think he is well out of order saying that.

Bit of back story.

He has two dc's from a prev relationship. He has one Dc with me. We live together and have joint mortgage etc, not married (prob not relevant but including it anyway)

We have been together 5 years. Lived together 3 of those. Had DC after 4 years.

When we started seeing eachother I didn't meet the kids. I don't think I met them until about 8 months in. Anyway, their mum kicked off like mad, but they were fine. Happy to see me, though not every contact time, just sometimes. Anyway everything fine, but then eldest dc decided they hated DP and didn't want to see us again.

Had to go to mediation about this but got nowehere, did set up a contact arrangement for younger dc. Saw younger dc twice a week until early this year. Were not ever allowed to change days, therefore never made plans etc because contact days were inflexible. However, ex swapped and changed and dropped younger dc on us whenever she felt like it - especially during my maternity leave where I was used as a free babysitter on the regular.

Earlier this year youngest dc decided they didn't like oldest dc, and said that their mum was horrible etc etc usual stuff. So moved in with us. I was never consulted about this. I never got a choice. One day dc didn't live with us, the next day they did. This left us short of cash, paying maintenance for 2 kids and getting nothing back. I had to sort out tax credits and child benefit (which took ages because ex said dc still lived with her) and we struggled.

we are mostly back on our feet now, but things still come up. Ex doesn't contribute more than the min child maintenance and we pay for everything. I don't resent this but it bothers me that DP doesn't stand up for himself and point out the thousands he has spent (and still spends) over the years.

We still never make plans because ex drops dc whenever an opportunity to go out on the lash comes up. Dp never says no sorry we are busy just lets her do what she wants.

She has changed arrangements for xmas and is now having youngest dc for less than 24 hours over xmas day and boxing day.

I was supposed to be seeing my own family boxing day, but cant now as dc coming home co incides with the time I would be half way through my boxing day dinner. Its not an option for me to go on my own because I don't drive.

I have asked DP if ex could have dc for an extra couple of hours so that I could stick to original plans, and have been told that I am selfish and I should leave if I have this attitude.

I really do not think I am being selfish wanting to stick to my own plan for one day of the year.

I think I've been incredibly lenient and laid back whilst not being involved in any parenting decisions, but expected to parent this dc. (which I do because nobody else cooks or washes or tidies for them)

I am utterly fed up and seriously considering leaving but don't really want to do this for the sake of my own DC. I think my dc will eventually fade out of DPs life because somehow the other two dc seem to be a priority over ours.

Am I being selfish ? i don't even know what to do. I have just ranted at dp that he would never find anyone else who would be willing to do all this and then be called selfish..

Hell no.

Ring some real estate agents and get them around to do a house valuation. That should wake him up a bit.

And feel free to tell him that you’ve realized that the only way to get some basic respect from him is to be an ex.

He sounds a right cock. I’d tell him you’re going nowhere as the house belongs to you as well. What a wazzock

I wonder if his current behaviour contributed to the deterioration of his marriage.

Get your mum to pick you up and stick to your plans.

Sorry ive not replied i was furious with what he said and needed to calm down.

He said that he didn't mean what he said in the heat of an argument heard that before but that he feels like speaking to the ex is pointless as she will never agree with him or change her plans. He's right, she wont. I explained that even though that maybe true, him at least trying to stand up to her would at least show me (and his dc really) that hes trying to keep some structure and routine. He said he understood that but felt he would be wasting his time and getting my hopes up and dcs when he knows the ex wont compromise. Its a really difficult situation because realistically nobody can force someone to see their child. Not even a court, and i really don't want to go down that road.

sandy they werent married but it was more to do with her controlling behaviour and the fact that she was still is a fan of physical violence instead of adult conversation.

We have had such a shit few years that i now wonder why i got myself into this mess. Then again, everything was very amicable to begin with so i couldn't known it would end up like this.

You are definitely not being selfish. Your DP should have told EW that you had made other arrangements around the time she Was originally having DC and unfortunately you will not be in at the new time she wishes to drop DC home. She cannot leave DC if you are not there. If your DP does not think of you and your DC for a few hours then I would do as you thought go alone with your DC ànd and stay overnight if you can. I have a similar situation with DH, DSC and his EW, we have both swapped contact days and there isn't normally a problem until if, for some reason we cannot accommodate an alternative day or night one week, we both work, have various activities, 2 DC, DH also works shifts so sometimes we cannot swap. We either have to leave as regular contact day or one of the contact times is missed that week. But boy do we know about it, EW then tells DSC DH doesn't want to see them, our 2 DC always come first, he doesnt love them as much blah blah blah!!! WTH do people do that??? A few months ago EW wanted to go on holiday and expected us to have DSC for 10 nights with a little over 3 weeks notice, DH was ready to just agree until i pointed out things we had on, times when he would not be able to pick up or drop off at school due to shifts and other arrangements. Initially I got i was being awkward and unwilling to help, until i pointed out to him i would never go away on my own and expect him to do all of above with 4 DC, work, activities etc and Would he do it to me?
EW kicked up a right fuss gave all of above comments and more to SC because we could not accommodate all 10 nights. But to be fair DH stood his ground.
I would also perhaps try and see a solicitor and have them write to her asking what contact she wants and telling her she has to stick to what she decides.
However it's very sad that you are thinking of ending your relationship because of this. Is this the only issue with DP, if so I would try and have a chat to him explain how you feel and tell him you're not happy. You have to work as a team to parent all children together. Good luck x

I do understand how your OH feels in that entering into conflict with someone who will not listen or compromise and turn their aggression on you is emotionally exhausting so when you know it will make no difference you just dont want to do it.

Saying that I don't understand why he agrees that dc could come back earlier. Surely he could say no sorry and then if she comes to drop her off and finds no-one there what will she do?

How old is younger dc? Would she be upset if she didn't go to her mum at all? What reason did her mum give to bring her back sooner? Clearly different if reason is she's just been told she has to work that shift then her wanting to go away with boyfriend. Any grand parents in the picture who can help?

He actually in the end did text her about boxing day and she just replied fine. He tried to speak abour drop off/pick up but she has ignored him.

She has also dropped dc off today an hour early. She had said 6 this week when usual time is 8 but then dropped off at 5 having not been fed etc. No warning dc just turned up on the door step.

same it is sad because this seems to be our only problem. The stupid thing is i kmow she wants that to happen and its probably what she is trying to achieve. I dont want to end my relationship if i can avoid it and i certainly dont want to give her the satisfaction of her being the reason why.

swing personally i think dc would be better off not seeing mum (am ready to bw shot down in flames) she doesn't bring anything positive to dcs life. Dc comes back with a revolting attitide every time, tells us what ex has said/done which is usually pretty shit. However i wouldn't feel right stopping contact i feel dc should make that choice but they wont because i know ex is a bit of an emotional blackmailer.

Its never work its usually because shes out on the piss. Her shifts are booked in well in advance. She doesnt tell us this but she tells dc whp in turn tells us. She inevitably slaps pictures of her drunk on fb so we know what shes been doing.

Dps parents live about 2 mins from ex but theyre away a lot and to be honest pretty absent anyway. Theyre quite close wity ex though they tell us otherwise.

If we arent in she leaves dc here as dc has a key (for after school) dc is 13.