Unsure

[FlutterbyRach]

I have 2 stepsons, 7 and 9. The oldest has just recently been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, alongside being Adhd and Spd (which we found out sunday- he's got medication to help him but this mum refuses to let him take it)

We have them every other weekend Friday to Sunday. This past weekend has been horrendous ending with their mum screaming at me and TH for 90 mins when we dropped them home.

Me and DH have been together for 5.5 years,married for 3 months and I'm currently pregnant with our first together (after 3.5 years of fertility struggles)

Saturday, the oldest poked me in the breast in the middle of a packed pub (we were collecting after They had a family party-mums side- to go to) Being pregnant my breasts are extremely painful. So it not only shocked me that he did that but that it really hurt.
I told him it was naughty and he shouldn't be poking my breast.
According to his mum, I embarrassed him and I shouldn't have said it was naughty and that I sexualized the word by using breast as she uses boob. (She doesn't like the word naughty because poking/touching another woman's breast isn't naughty it's only innapropriate)

She then went on a rant about how Dh should be paying her double a month in maintenance payments (we worked out a few months ago that he was slightly overpaying, but he's just had a pay rise and so he's now paying £10 under) and that my wage should be factored in as we're married.
Her payment is due to go down in March when I give birth so we're keeping it at the current payment. And we will help contribute to buying new school uniform before the start of the next school year.

She also has 2 other children with someone that lives with her. She has told us that he doesn't work and he pays nothing towards his 2 children. He helps around the house and with the kids but offers no financial support to her. I feel like she's using us to finance her other 2 children.

I love these boys and I do lot for them. They aren't my biological children they are my husbands.
We both work full time. And those weekends that we have the boys we always try to do something fun together- whether that's a day out or a few hours at the park.

We've been told that every other weekend is not good enough and that we need to have them for evenings in the week (Dh work shifts. He gets 2 days off a week. The weekend we have the kids are his 2 days off so them he won't get a day off for at least 5 days following that weekend and his shifts are mainly 4.30 till midnight. The kids finish school at 3.15 and he has to leave for work around 3.55 to be at work on time. So those days are pretty much out of the equation. We've decided to try and set aside an hour on one of his evenings off a month following the weekend with the boys for us to take them to the park. But we would also like to spend time together being a newly wed couple. I sometimes don't see my husband for days (unless you count his crawling into bed at gone midnight)

Just feeling a little lost and not sure what else me and DH can do. We've asked their mum for a list of the boundaries she's set so that we can try to follow them so the boys have got the same boundaries at both houses (She likes to give them alot of sweets which is something that we don't agree with and won't allow in our home)

we worked out a few months ago that he was slightly overpaying

overpaying? Or paying more than the legal minimum he has to pay?

So much step mother bashing. Just the norm for MN sometimes and the stupidity of some posts on here is reaching peak.

Why hasn't someone suggested that the mother gets a job? Or her partner? OP and her DH are supporting more than his DCs here, he's supporting the DCs of feckless, jobless parents living in the same house as his DCs.

The mother is behaving appallingly but that goes against what some bitter women on MN want to believe. Ridiculous.

And as for those who think it's simple to just find another job - just fuck off. If it was that simple he would have done it already.

OP, you are both doing your best in awful circumstances, a shame the mother doesn't step up.

i will bash any non resident parent who complains about how rubbish their ex is and that s/he doesn't tell them anything when they have noto bothered to get contact with schools and GP

They haven't done their best because they haven't done this very easy thing. They don't even known that legally the school can't block them which took 5 mins of googling.

Why hasn't someone suggested that the mother gets a job?
Because we're not advising the mum. And the difficulties of getting and maintainingredients work with a child with SN are extensive

But a third of the complaints in the OP can be altered by the OPs DH putting the effort in.

I hate to break it to you OP but if you’re living ‘pay check to pay check’ as you say, then your DSSs are going to be the least of your issues when you have a baby. What’s going to happen then? Or when you’re heavily pregnant? Your DH is going to have to step in and look after his children.

NB I second PP saying that it’s nothing to do with advising the mother and her DP to get a job, you can’t change them but you can make changes to make your lives easier

we worked out a few months ago that he was slightly overpaying, but he's just had a pay rise and so he's now paying £10 under

So he's paying less than the legal minimum? Can't be arsed to sort out parental responsibility with the school? Can't be arsed to tackle the throwing away of medication used to help his child? Needs newly wed time with his new wife?

Prize catch you got yourself there.

Why hasn't someone suggested that the mother gets a job? Or her partner? OP and her DH are supporting more than his DCs here, he's supporting the DCs of feckless, jobless parents living in the same house as his DCs

No. The OP's partner is supporting his child to an amount less than the legally required minimum.

yes of course it's that easy to get a new job isn't it . Location, money & Job role makes this difficult.

OP your DH probably has a better chance of getting flexible working time at the job he's in (they know him, assuming he works hard they won't want to lose him) it's worth a go. If he goes down the lines of providing flexibility on the days he doesn't have the DC's they maybe more flexible for the days he does.

It is so difficult when a parent is difficult/obstructive, & if they weren't like this people wouldn't have to go to court

Why won't she let DC's stay over midweek? I understand wanting to stick to a routine, but that can happen at your house.

Flexibility is definitely the key, on BOTH sides.

All this oh just deal with the school take him to the doctors dont let her throw meds away have clearly never dealt with a bitter ex.

I got death threats for contacting school when ss had moved in with us

Its not always as easy to just do stuff when you know what the repurcussions will be.

So it would be too difficult for OP's partner, a man with a current job, references and few childcare commitments to get a new job. But the main carer of a child with SN should just 'get a job.' Right

If the ex is seriously the type that would send deaths treats then it's even more imperative that the other parent does have contact with GP and schools. No?

But that's about putting the kids first regardless of the difficulties to yourself.

www.gov.uk/flexible-working

He can apply again for a new flexible working arrangement if it's more than a year since the last one was set up.

Does DH have parental responsibility for the DSC? He would need to have been married to their mum or be named on their birth certificates.
If yes, he will need to let school and GP know, and push for more information.

If no, he needs to get parental responsibility, either by the mum agreeing or going to court.
www.separateddads.co.uk/your-right-be-kept-informed-about-your-child-guide.html

Why hasn't someone suggested that the mother gets a job? Or her partner? OP and her DH are supporting more than his DCs here, he's supporting the DCs of feckless, jobless parents living in the same house as his DCs

Because the OP has no control over what happens in another house. They can only affect what they have control over.

It's not SM bashing - the OP appears to be blaming the XW for everything when her DP isn't pulling his weight as a father. That would be ringing huge alarm bells for me if I was now carrying his child. She complains she's financing the two other children, while admitting they are paying less than the minimum for DP's two. And they see these children for four days per month!

(IMO a 9 year old ASD child poking a breast is probably inappropriate rather than naughty)

It's not SM bashing to suggest that the father isn't doing his bit to protect his children here. He sees them four days a month, has done nothing to ensure that he can access their medical and educational records, it's all about what he can't do rather than what he should be doing for the benefit of his children.

And if the ex is throwing the child's medication down the sink and is screaming at the partner instead of actually speaking to the father of her children she isn't that much better.

But I'd bet that if the OP wasn't doing the to-ing and fro-ing to collect/drop off the children and wasn't being the ex's sounding board her partner would probably be having even less to do with his children than he already does.

The only thing the OP has done wrong here is to enable this man to remain the shit father that he clearly is. And no, labelling him a shit father doesn't mean that the mother can't be shit as well. I don't buy the reasoning that "she's got it so hard dealing with a sn child" excuses people are making for her if she's flushing medication which is supposed to help her child.

But it seems these children are being let down by both their parents. By the mother because she's apparently living with another waste of space,is obstructive and isn't doing things in the best interests of her child, and the father because he's only there for his children four days a month, has calculated down to the last penny how much he should be paying and over-paying is apparently a thing, won't go to court to get the best for his child in terms of access to school/gp etc, but in the meantime is having a (planned) baby with another woman. And yes, I stand by saying that having another baby when there are already two badly let down children in this equation is bloody stupid.

So you are living pay check to pay check, despite paying his ex less than the legal minimum, and have decided to have a baby.

Well you are making your partner seem like dad of the year.

Only sees kids 4 days a month.
Won't go to court because he can't afford it and is leaving his kids with what you claim is a questionable mother.
Paying the bare minimum.
Wants newlywed time and is having another baby while not being able to afford the two children he already has.

Those boys are being failed by their mother and father

Sounds awful. If the ex thinks what term you use for breast is a reason to rant at you she’s horrible. You have them all weekend your Rules. She’s probably jealous that you are pregnant.

Get a good routine with the boys, get help to advise you on ASD and be united with your DH on tackling and helping. Look after yourself. Refuse to talk on hangovers there is no way that is going to help.

@unsure
Can identify with some of your post.
I think you are doing a great job in a tough situation. You sound caring and committed to your dh’s Kids, I think they are lucky to have you in their life.
I personally haven’t found it easy to suddenly become step-mum to a 7 year old girl with special needs. Unlike you I have little experience with kids of this age anyway and am learning as I go. As we are not resident parents I am learning slowly and making mistakes. I think you are on the right track, your style is different to ex-w but that doesn’t mean you should be criticised.
I might get in trouble here but I think you need to make sure that you are ok and not being too squeezed by this situation. Forget about justifying your dh’s payments or contact time to others or yourself, you just don’t need to I think. That’s between him and the ex. Love and parent the kids as best you can when they are with you, but dh needs to take the lead here.
Something needs to be done about drop offs and pick ups imo. It would be better if you weren’t involved here, esp with the heat you are getting from ex-w.
I’d try and put my foot down here. You are also pregnant and soon will have a newborn. It will be better for them to come up with some way to manage these themselves- him speaking to his boss to get time off, or her collecting the kids.
And yes you are a newly wed and yes you’d like some time with your husband and I don’t think that’s wrong to say that.
When you have kids that time seems only to come about once a year!!! But it’s important that you try and catch up with each other regularly for your own sakes and the sakes of all your kids.
All the best and take it easy xxx

Oops sorry got name wrong @flutterbyRach
Just to add, we avoid aggro at handover times by picking up dsd from a 3rd party, ex-w’s friend.
Dh could also drop the kids back to their mums before school on Monday mornings which will save you being involved?
You should not be expected to put up with being screamed at about your parenting or payments/contact times when you meet ex-w, all of that should be going via dh only.
Ok rant over xxx

If the ex is seriously the type that would send deaths treats then it's even more imperative that the other parent does have contact with GP and schools. No?

Yes but what i am saying is its difficult sometimes when people are crazy unreasonable.

Sorry I’m not sure why rgus hasn’t been mentioned yet...
You do know that your income has no bearing on the child maintenance payments don’t you? Even if you’re married only the biological parent’s income is used to work out maintenance so your maternity leave or any drop/increase in your wages do not affect them whatsoever

He is paying below the legal minimum and you think she is using you to subsidise her other 2 children.

Seriously what planet are you on - your DH is a prize ,4 days per month, can not be arsed to do anything to be a responsible parent- eg register with school, GP, another child brought into the equation and special needs child that the mother has care for 26/30 days. She does drop off pick up

She is doing it hard, hard, hard - some of it her responsibility but actually your DH needs to man up - but lets predict the future.

A few months after your baby is born - you will be "scared" that SEN child will harm your baby.
You do not feel safe
Reduce time
Reduce monies
1 yr from now -his other DCs will see Dad maybe once per month probably on a Saturday no overnight and you get your perfect little family.

Not your responsibility OP - but you and your DP have made a decision that will impact on his DCS, without much thought for it.

We await stage 2 in 6 months time.

Your dp can self-represent at court.
He just needs to get some free legal advice and then plan/organise appropriately.

How on earth is he ok with not knowing or being able to get hold of the basics when it comes to his dc?
How is he ok with their mum moving 4 times in as many years and dragging them from pillar to post?
Why isn't he taking his dc medical needs seriously?
He can't force her to give the medication but he CAN report her to social services and get their input....or take it to court and ask the judge to put the dc needs first.

The mother has a live-in partner who is also capable of helping her out with childcare.
Perhaps she should have thought through the consequences of having two more children given her financial situation and lazy partner.
Perhaps she can go and 'get a job' to finance her choices for a change?

It isn't your fault or responsibility that she is struggling as a result of having a further two dc to the lazy cocklodger she lives with.

Seeing as you will be a blended family soon, maybe you need to look at having the dc around during the week even if your dh isn't there?
Chance for you to build on your relationship with them and they get to spend time with their new sibling.
This means you get to set your own rules and boundaries in your house and discipline.
If the mum doesn't like this - tough.

Both birth parents are acting in a neglectful manner towards their kids here - and not taking their responsibilities towards their dc seriously.

But OP does not really want a blended family.

We have tried to set aside one hour per month on one evening to take them to the park!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blending is going to work - not!

You have just found out the diagnosis - why the hell was he not at the appointments - yet you worry about sweets!

The SDCs parents are responsible - one is doing 90% of the care, it might not always be in the manner everyone agrees, hell she gives them too many sweets, but on £56 -she really is rolling in it!

The child has just been diagnosed and as someone with a sick child, it can take a while to get your head round it and accept the diagnosis.

Love the way the mother is letting down the kids because she lives with another waste of space/cocklodger and had more kids ( anyone on here ever heard of a SAHD) he helps with the child care - oh that would be second female partner has kids and becomes a SAHM. Does that make her the cock muff? Does that make them a waste of space as well.

sorry both parents need to sort something out that is better for the DCs - and primarily OP that is your partner. he is doing the sum total of sweet eff all. Ignoring her other children -what sounds like 2 ONs per month and an hour one evening per month is truly pathetic, add in an spectrum child - OMG she is not bineg unreasonable. On this forum, most SMs would be told to step back and not parent the SCCs because they are the responsibility of the other parent - quid pr quo.

His share of bringing up the DC is £2912 - = £5824 for 2 children is not a great deal.

This is not SM bashing this is feckless lazy father bashing.

*She is doing it hard, hard, hard - some of it her responsibility but actually your DH needs to man up - but lets predict the future.

A few months after your baby is born - you will be "scared" that SEN child will harm your baby.
You do not feel safe
Reduce time
Reduce monies
1 yr from now -his other DCs will see Dad maybe once per month probably on a Saturday no overnight and you get your perfect little family.

Not your responsibility OP - but you and your DP have made a decision that will impact on his DCS, without much thought for it.

We await stage 2 in 6 months time*

Wow. What a nasty judgy post based on absolutley nothing.