Unsure

[FlutterbyRach]

I have 2 stepsons, 7 and 9. The oldest has just recently been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, alongside being Adhd and Spd (which we found out sunday- he's got medication to help him but this mum refuses to let him take it)

We have them every other weekend Friday to Sunday. This past weekend has been horrendous ending with their mum screaming at me and TH for 90 mins when we dropped them home.

Me and DH have been together for 5.5 years,married for 3 months and I'm currently pregnant with our first together (after 3.5 years of fertility struggles)

Saturday, the oldest poked me in the breast in the middle of a packed pub (we were collecting after They had a family party-mums side- to go to) Being pregnant my breasts are extremely painful. So it not only shocked me that he did that but that it really hurt.
I told him it was naughty and he shouldn't be poking my breast.
According to his mum, I embarrassed him and I shouldn't have said it was naughty and that I sexualized the word by using breast as she uses boob. (She doesn't like the word naughty because poking/touching another woman's breast isn't naughty it's only innapropriate)

She then went on a rant about how Dh should be paying her double a month in maintenance payments (we worked out a few months ago that he was slightly overpaying, but he's just had a pay rise and so he's now paying £10 under) and that my wage should be factored in as we're married.
Her payment is due to go down in March when I give birth so we're keeping it at the current payment. And we will help contribute to buying new school uniform before the start of the next school year.

She also has 2 other children with someone that lives with her. She has told us that he doesn't work and he pays nothing towards his 2 children. He helps around the house and with the kids but offers no financial support to her. I feel like she's using us to finance her other 2 children.

I love these boys and I do lot for them. They aren't my biological children they are my husbands.
We both work full time. And those weekends that we have the boys we always try to do something fun together- whether that's a day out or a few hours at the park.

We've been told that every other weekend is not good enough and that we need to have them for evenings in the week (Dh work shifts. He gets 2 days off a week. The weekend we have the kids are his 2 days off so them he won't get a day off for at least 5 days following that weekend and his shifts are mainly 4.30 till midnight. The kids finish school at 3.15 and he has to leave for work around 3.55 to be at work on time. So those days are pretty much out of the equation. We've decided to try and set aside an hour on one of his evenings off a month following the weekend with the boys for us to take them to the park. But we would also like to spend time together being a newly wed couple. I sometimes don't see my husband for days (unless you count his crawling into bed at gone midnight)

Just feeling a little lost and not sure what else me and DH can do. We've asked their mum for a list of the boundaries she's set so that we can try to follow them so the boys have got the same boundaries at both houses (She likes to give them alot of sweets which is something that we don't agree with and won't allow in our home)

hellosquirrels brace yourself for some out of the box thinking but it is possible to look for another job that has more family oriented hours

Or put in a request for parental flexible working as another poster suggested above

He doesn't have to though does he -his ex is plugging all the gaps

I hope he finds another job OP - not least for you when your new baby arrives

How do you know she's tipping bottles of medicine down the sink?

How did your DH not spot that things were "wrong" enough to warrant medication? How did you not know. The referral was raised by concerns from somewhere, why are you not in contact with these people directly? Why when you found out the information was kept from you were you/DH not in contact with the gp to track the diagnosising doctor so your DH can take a bit of responsibility himself,or at least ask for appointment letters and consultant letters. Same with schools.

These are all things that would suggest an involved father. These are all things your DH can really easily do.

And Someone is doing them because all here things have happened.

Someone has taken the financial and career hit to make life fit around caring for your DHs children. think about that when you talk about all the reason why your DH can't do this and when she sounds off about money.

You DH really is doing precious little for his children atm. If you don't like what the ex is doing (and no not all of it is good) he needs to start doing it himself. It's easy to criticise when you aren't the one doing it yourself

As I also replied above in regards to the flexible hours... His weekends off with the boys are his flexible hours.

It's ok. I'll sit down and speak to him about giving up his job so that he can take over and see his kids everyday. But it will have to be on the street as we won't have a home to live in.

Thank you to everyone that was kind and understanding.
Seems I joined a place where fathers that aren't with the mother's to their children get bashed for working and trying their God damn hardest to make arrangements when they finally get told that the mother is struggling.

There are always posters who just suggest people should get new jobs, because it's that easy in this job market

Your issues that need to be tackled are behaviour when they are under your care, and seeing if some kind of flexible working is possible, maybe for one day a week/school pick up?

Ex seems frightened her payment is going to go down so is pushing every way she can just now, if you are paying what's deemed fit and what you can afford that's fine.

We have asked her about his behaviour consistently for years. She flogged us off saying it was just the way he is.

We watched her pour the tablets down the sink that's how I know she did it.

We've asked for the gp info. She won't give it to us. She refuses to register Dh as their father with the school. We made a phone call yesterday and the school wouldn't speak to my husband as he isn't registered with them at the school. She has to register him.

So we are being met with resistance from her.

I'm a trained teaching assistant. I recognised signs and brought it up with her and with his first primary school but he had not long started and they hadn't a chance to assess him (he's on primary school number 3)

Shouldn't necessarily be about your ex quitting his job (although if genuinely she is a completely incapable mum it should be). It's about having enough respect for his ex to recognise you'really able to build the life your building because she is looking after his children.

Start from that. Your DH can only work the hours he works because is possible because he is not looking after a SN child and his ex is. You should have a modicum of respect for her on that basis alone

Start working out whether what you are complaining about is genuinely is and should be a complaint about the mother, what is actually your lack of grasp of your step sons needs and what a challenging job his mum is doing, and what is your DH's ineptitude

(And if you can't understand why using the word naughty in the context you did is decidedly problematic you may have trouble with this).

Then why has he not gone to court for a court rider to register him with the gp and school. He wouldn't need representation because that's just basic

We need for her to register DH at the school so he can pick them even if it's just once or twice a month on his day off.
I've told DH that we won't be reducing her money like we are entitled to. So that's going to stay the same. Thank God I'll be breastfeeding as at least I'll be able to save a little money from not having to buy formula.

I wish everyday that DH could find a Monday to Friday 9-5 job on the same wage or higher than he is now. But there's literally nothing in our area. We've looked at going further afield but that means moving out of the town we live in and then we'd be looking at extra expenses and less time with the boys as we would have to use some of the time we could be spending together to travel.

We're already going to have to take a drop in wage next year when I return to work after maternity leave as we haven't got any child care. So I will have to drop some of my hours. We are going to have to work opposite shifts to allow for that otherwise I won't be able to return to work. I've worked out what I would be entitled to with benefits of I don't return to work... We currently live in a small 2 bed rented house. I would be entitled to £600 a month in benefits. That wouldn't even cover our rent. So I have to work.

There is medium ground between quitting his job and not wanting to use his days off to see his kids because he needs newlywed time. If he has 2 days off a week he should be seeing them then and doing school runs etc, not just 4 nights a month.

Yesterday? The child as been at school for 4-5 years. Nursery school before that. He's been registered at a gp at least 9. School gp can't legally cannot refuse him assuming he has parental responsibility

He's not got parental responsibility has he

Please explain to me how telling a 9 year old boy that poking his step mother's breast isn't naughty?

If he pokes his teachers breast that must be ok then.

How about when he's 16 and pokes a girls breast? A girl that didn't give him permission to poke her breast?

I've asked alot of people about this and they have all said the same. That I was within my right to say that he was naughty. Being on the spectrum isn't an excuse to get away with behaviour like that. And I think anyone that justifies that is ridiculous. If he isn't told now then what happens if it continues and he ends up with a sexual assault charge?

She has moved house 4 times in 4 years. Registering at different gps each time.
We had to rush him to A&e a month ago as he was struggling for breath. Something that according to him when we picked him up had been happening for 2 days. We phoned her to find out the gp-She had moved the month before that and told us she hasn't registered him at a new surgery yet.
He ended up with an inhaler... Her reply upon dropping him home on the Sunday evening... oh good at least he can use it for pe tomorrow.

Yes he has parental responsibility.
He also would have to pay the legal fees to go to court and as I have explained several times we literally cannot afford that. We live pay check to pay check.

So why hasn't he gone to court then?

You say the mother refuses to register him at the school, presumably he is on their birth certificates and as such will have parental responsibility in which case the school have no choice but to allow him to collect his children assuming he's not subject to any kind of orders prohibiting it?

Was he married to the ex? If not he needs to go to court to gain parental responsibility if he's not on the birth certs, if he hasn't done this why not?

Seriously, the man has two children he only sees for four days a month and even then he hasn't been arsed to formalise this arrangement, and you're having a baby with him? Riiiiiight. /good luck with that then.

I would personally take a step back and refuse to do the negotiating with the ex, and then you will likely see for yourself what kind of a father he isn't.

This is getting worse!
I’m sorry but he sounds like a terrible father who has zero interest or involvement in the raising of his children, that should be worrying for you.

Has your DH got parental responsibility?

www.gov.uk/government/publications/dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility

You may find this useful. He has a right to the information. School has no legal right to block it.

Children with SN especially ADHD often get called naughty often for things they can't help. It causing a lot of upset. Tell him off by all means, or better yet explain simply what he did wrong. Try to avoid emotive words like naughty

Ffs he doesn't even need to go to court. He just needs to Google for 5 minutes to understand his rights and responsibilities

Actually as a parent of a 9 year old with autism it can be an explanation for certain behaviours. Nobody has said you shouldn't have corrected him, but his mother felt specific language would be better to be used. Don't you think that the person who cares for him everyday should be credited with maybe understanding how his condition impacts him, what his needs are and the best phrasing to deal with these issues more than someone who sees him twice a month?

He doesn't need her to register him at the school or doctors at all. Just make an appointment take birth certificate. They have no choice.

Doesn't ADHD= impulsivity?? Not an expert, but maybe some kind words would have been better in the 'breast poke' situation?

Being a step mum must be extremely difficult but maybe your DH could find out more from research about his DS' SN to help you both?

Start thinking long-term about the job situation - if the DSS were to end up with you permanently - then you'll be parenting 3 children practically on your own if he continues in his current job.

Good luck OP

Oh and he's the information for GPa diagnostic parental responsibility. And what to do if your ex moves from GP to GP.

www.separateddads.co.uk/your-right-be-kept-informed-about-your-child-guide.html

Ivery done more for your DH's relationship in 5 minutes than he's do in 9 years

Apologies for the random autocorrects

Ignore the stepmum bashing on MN OP
My DH ex wife is a prize cunt and NOTHING was ever good enough. Her awful behaviour has lead to one of their children living with us, her refusing to have a relationship with said child and the child still
Living with her being filled with so much hate towards us she really should be locked up.
Yet she thinks that she's a victim. Thankfully some of her family are starting to realise she's the liar not us!

She sounds appalling and inconsistent as a parent from what you say. Your husband should be sorting that out rather than seeing them 4 nights a month and carving out fucking newlywed time.

How much 1:1 time does he have with them?