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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Thoughts please to help a Dad

40 replies

Leat80 · 28/09/2017 18:13

Hi
Sorry I know I'm a Dad some apologies for gate crashing.
Quick history and then a question about some advice I need to make sure i'm not going mad!
Im a separated Dad to one 6 YO Girl who I adore and feel pain in my heart EVERY day I can't see her. Following the Mum and I growing apart and her choosing to live 50 miles away. I see my daughter every other weekend. On quite is still amicable. Compared to the court case that my new partner had to go through with her Ex to get things sorted out with her daughter.

Me and partner live with her daughter the majority of the week apart from when the court case has dictated when the Dad sees his daughter.

Anyway my problem is that me and my partner had a massive falling out last night as I was annoyed that I wanted to buy a new coat and shoes for my daughter to keep at ours for when she comes over.
Thats where it started as partner doesnt see that daughter needs these things as when she comes over for the time she does she has her Mums clothes etc in a suitcase prepared. The reason why I wanted to have some that we brought are various reasons from.
*To help her feel like its her home too (when she has her own pair of shoes kept at ours)
*Feeling like I actually have a daughter and see her shoes in the hallway.
etc etc

My partners problem with this is due to money (we have good jobs but having moved home recently finance could be better.
She doesnt see that my daughter actually needs a pair of shoes kept at ours to help her feel at home (mainly as when her parents separated She didn't get that when she visited Dad)
My partner thinks that because of the short space of time when we do see her that these things aren't required.

Anyway am I over the top and i'm putting too much emphasis
on belongings ??

Help please.
Thanks

OP posts:

sunnydalegottobedone · 28/09/2017 18:19

It's a difficult one, but to an extent I agree with your DP.

If your DS doesn't need shoes, don't get them - kids feet grow so fast & if she likes them she will want to take them home - they wouldn't stay at yours. Same with the coat.

To make her feel more at home - What about some nice bedding that is just hers. You could choose it together.

bellabelle34 · 28/09/2017 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bellabelle34 · 28/09/2017 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WineGummyBear · 28/09/2017 18:24

Hi OP

In the context of your finances I don't know what's reasonable or not. I think your wish to have her things around the place.

As a child of divorced parents (every other weekend at Dad's) i found objects that belonged in one house very difficult. If they are your daughter's shoes, she will want to take them with her (assuming she likes them). I know it pissed my dad and stepmother off that when they gave us something it would leave with us but imagine being a child and being told you aren't allowed to have your stuff!

bellabelle34 · 28/09/2017 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anon97528996 · 28/09/2017 18:29

Your DP sounds quite selfish. What you said about "feeling like you have a daughter" is very sweet and very sad. And one of the few "perks" of having separated parents is getting double everything! I had a room at my dads with some of my stuff in it, but every week my step mum would hide all my belongings out of sight and I'd have to dig them all out from the back of cupboards again at the weekend. Even photos of me with my dads family. Be careful your DP doesn't just see your child as inconvenient clutter.

bellabelle34 · 28/09/2017 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldmandra · 28/09/2017 18:38

How about slippers to have at your house? She's less likely to want to take them home and they will probably cost less.

Bedding is another good suggestion because children don't naturally take that with them.

I agree with a previous poster that your DD's belongings should be free to move between houses if that's what she wants to do. If they have to stay at your house they become your property which she borrows when she is there which is not the same at all.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 28/09/2017 18:40

So you're not allowed to buy your own child things to have in your house?? That's made me really angry! Your partner is being incredibly cruel!!

Bythebeach · 28/09/2017 18:41

I think your heart is in the right place (and wish my eldest son's dad had wanted to make his house a home for our son too rather than just for his new family!). But I think there are better ways to do it....does she have her own bedroom/space? Let her furnish it as she chooses-duvet cover/knick-knacks/cushions/lamps/bean-bags/pictures. Little-used clothes and shoes will be outgrown frequently with little use. Get her things that are hers that endure a little longer and giver her a sense she belongs in your house too - a hot water bottle, her own mug etc
Whatever you do, don't do as my ex did and have no bedroom/bed/shelves nor drawers for her - I in fact there was nothing permanent for my son despite having a spare bedroom which was his wife's sacred study!!!

Original poster

Leat80 · 28/09/2017 18:45

Thanks for all your comments so far. In regards to the fact of saying to keep a child’s belongings either at mums or dads. It’s not a problem so far. I should have added she’s recently turned 6 and understands that she has things either at mums or dads but some “special” things come and go to be shown off etc. It just hurts when I see her wear a pair or shoes/coat etc that mums brought and I think “I wish I could see her wear something that Ive brought”.
Until writing this I just thought I was being too materialistic but it’s difficult explaining to my partner into how I feel about this.

OP posts:

Bythebeach · 28/09/2017 18:46

Sorry your post hit a nerve there! What I meant is, nothing wrong with you wanting to buy her a coat etc for yours but if money is tight, longer lasting stuff for her would be better to give both you and her a sense she belongs in your home too.

Original poster

Leat80 · 28/09/2017 18:48

Just to mention about the comments recently. She has her own room. Own bed, wardrobe etc etc. Nothing else is a problem or has been material wise apart from when I mentioned this last night. 😞

OP posts:

bellabelle34 · 28/09/2017 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrabbleFiend · 28/09/2017 18:49

I think you should buy your daughter whatever you want, presumably you contribute financially to her child's needs like the roof over her head. Your dp sounds selfish and controlling. How is you dd meant to feel like it's her home too if she doesn't have any belongings there?

ChilliMum · 28/09/2017 18:56

I think you are both right. She doesn't need shoes and coat at yours but she does need to feel it's her home so what about dressing gown and slippers, pj's. You can take lots of photos and get some framed and put up or ask her to draw a picure and frame that and get it up.

It will feel more her home if you involve her.

Original poster

Leat80 · 28/09/2017 19:02

She has pictures up in frames of both our girls and plenty of toys and games. Everything else just the shoes seemed to tip the balance 😐
Is it me or does having your own pair of shoes in a space on the rack make you feel at home? It helps me too. To make her feel like she’s over more than she does at the moment (which is impossible).

OP posts:

swingofthings · 28/09/2017 19:06

You had a massive falling out over a pair of shoes and coat? My God, were you planning on buying them from Harrods? How bad can your financial situation be that this should result in fighting over this when you are both working FT?

Unless the issue is that you are very careless with your money and she is needing to support you/your daughter -in which I could understand that this could be the trigger of bigger issues in your relationship- then there is something very wrong if she feels entitled to be so controlling over how you spend your disposable income for something that shouldn't cost more than £50.

By the way, I too had divorced parents from the age of 2 and yes, it did mean a lot and made me feel at home to have my every day things there amongst my dads, SM and SS.

WashingMatilda · 28/09/2017 20:07

my step mum would hide all my belongings out of sight and I'd have to dig them all out from the back of cupboards again at the weekend. Even photos of me with my dads family

Anon, this is horrendous! So sad. Poor you.

I'm a stepmum to four and have recently bought a load of photos of all of them and framed them on a big collage on the wall, in with photos of them with their dad, me and their dad, the cat I think it's nice for them to feel like this is their home too and they are welcome here.

I think your DP is being kind of petty tbh. My DP also has his children EOW and there's loads of their stuff around. If it was something that would make my DP feel better I wouldn't be bothered at all and besides, it's not really her (or my) place to say what he buys for his own child.

M00nUnit · 28/09/2017 20:51

Your DP is being totally unreasonable - it's none of her business if you want to buy shoes and a coat for your own daughter! And I say that as a stepmum of 3 lovely boys who live with their mum and see my DP and me every other weekend.

I do think you should be prepared for the fact that your daughter will probably want to take them home with her when she leaves though.

newtlover · 28/09/2017 20:58

It does depend a bit on exactly how tight your finances are.
Given how expensive children's shoes are, and how quickly their feet grow a pair of shoes to be worn - what 4 days a month? seems extravagent to me. As she has her own room, bed, etc this seems to carry some symbolic meaning for you rather than being about making HER feel she belongs. I think a PP suggestion of slippers is good. Maybe some wellies? And a coat would be cheaper and last longer than a pair of shoes.

outabout · 28/09/2017 21:12

Coat or shoes at 6 when she will grow out of them quickly is not perhaps the best as has been said before but I totally understand your wish to see some of her 'presence'. Maybe get her some things she would like you to 'look after' while she is not there with you.
Your new partner is too harsh, your issues were with your ex and not with your daughter so your new partner should 'butt out' on this one.

swingofthings · 29/09/2017 06:34

I would expect weekend shoes not to be expensive school shoes. You can very cheap pairs of trainers. I get the sense from from OP's message that it's not about the actual shoes/coat, but about giving his daughter a homely feeling, which indeed, however unsignificant it might be for us because it is something we take for granted, seeing one's shoes and coat amongst all the others can be a strong message of 'welcome home'.

swingofthings · 29/09/2017 06:37

And again, the key point is that OP should be entitled to do whatever he wants if the intention is to use his disposable income to pay for it (why I really do believe that however budgets are agreed, when it comes to recomposed family, it works much better when each have their own account for disposable income).

I wouldn't tolerate for a minute my OH dictating what I buy for my kids after all bills are paid when I work FT as he is.

Petalbird · 29/09/2017 06:48

I hate the DSC being in clothes their mother bought (and she often sent them in clothing too small or unsuitable for the weather) so they have a small wardrobe here for when they come. We don't do shoes though as these need to be fitted and measured. How about getting some nice accessories like scarfs to start or a few clothes from ebay you can pick up a lot for very cheap so she has some special things to wear with you?

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