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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Thoughts please to help a Dad

40 replies

Leat80 · 28/09/2017 18:13

Hi
Sorry I know I'm a Dad some apologies for gate crashing.
Quick history and then a question about some advice I need to make sure i'm not going mad!
Im a separated Dad to one 6 YO Girl who I adore and feel pain in my heart EVERY day I can't see her. Following the Mum and I growing apart and her choosing to live 50 miles away. I see my daughter every other weekend. On quite is still amicable. Compared to the court case that my new partner had to go through with her Ex to get things sorted out with her daughter.

Me and partner live with her daughter the majority of the week apart from when the court case has dictated when the Dad sees his daughter.

Anyway my problem is that me and my partner had a massive falling out last night as I was annoyed that I wanted to buy a new coat and shoes for my daughter to keep at ours for when she comes over.
Thats where it started as partner doesnt see that daughter needs these things as when she comes over for the time she does she has her Mums clothes etc in a suitcase prepared. The reason why I wanted to have some that we brought are various reasons from.
*To help her feel like its her home too (when she has her own pair of shoes kept at ours)
*Feeling like I actually have a daughter and see her shoes in the hallway.
etc etc

My partners problem with this is due to money (we have good jobs but having moved home recently finance could be better.
She doesnt see that my daughter actually needs a pair of shoes kept at ours to help her feel at home (mainly as when her parents separated She didn't get that when she visited Dad)
My partner thinks that because of the short space of time when we do see her that these things aren't required.

Anyway am I over the top and i'm putting too much emphasis
on belongings ??

Help please.
Thanks

OP posts:

lunar1 · 29/09/2017 07:52

How controlling are you over what your step daughter has in the home? Do you make decisions regarding what clothes she is allowed?

I had a step mum that used to hide any trace of our existence even while we were staying, toothbrushes had to be returned to our bags and put away in the wardrobe after every use.

She was a ridiculous, nasty excuse for a human being though!

Original poster

Leat80 · 29/09/2017 09:24

Thanks for everyone’s comments so far. It’s very difficult to express a balanced story but other than this point my partners been fantastic towards my daughter and in many aspects better than her birth mum. We’ve discussed this more and it seems to be more financial, rather than the fact it would help me in feeling my daughter has a place in our home when she’s not their and for what I believe to help my daughter to feel at home. Although I still think she doesn’t understand why I would like to have a coat and shoes for my daughter kept at ours rather than use her mums choices of clothes. I think this is purely down to the fact my daughter doesn’t come over a lot other than every fortnight.
I think she thinks that because it’s whats happened with her when her parents split. In that her Dad didn’t have a lot of money and they didn’t have personal belongings at both houses and had one item mainly.

OP posts:

Love51 · 29/09/2017 09:34

I know a family where the kids have to change out of their clothes and into the ones provided by the resident parent just before returning home. In all honesty it doesn't seem to bother the kids, but it irks me! Surely the clothes belong to the kid, not the family! However, I also know what you mean about wanting to clothe your own child (mine had a lot of hand me down, getting something new from the shop was a Big Deal).
I don't think a few bits and pieces should be an issue, so long as you can deal with it well if she wants to take them home!
My DH often wants to do something for our kids that I don't see the point if, but if it makes him happy and the kids seem to enjoy it, I let him crack on (finances permitting, but I don't say 'no', just ask and he realizes he hadn't thought about that).

TwoDots · 29/09/2017 09:59

Is your partner perhaps a bit resentful that you pay maintenance to contribute to these things then you're paying extra out of your family pot for things which will have minimal use?

swingofthings · 29/09/2017 10:48

So it has nothing to do with your DD but about your finances. How are they split? Do you not get some money you can do whatever you want with? Were you talking about spending £150 or did you say you would just gets things at Primark for £30?

LazySusan11 · 29/09/2017 20:14

Hi op,

We have 50/50 care so not the same as you but we found even when we bought a wardrobe full of clothes she would take them back to her mums and return with only what she needed. It isn’t possessions that will make her feel it’s her home it’s doing what you’re already doing.

Bibidy · 29/09/2017 22:05

Hi OP,

I think the issue at the heart of this is your pain at not having your daughter around as much as you'd like, which is making you over-focus on getting your daughter these things (that by your own admission she doesn't really need).

Buying her shoes and a coat to keep in your hallway won't help you process these feelings. She already has a room at your house so her presence is already very clear in your home even when she's not around and I'm sure she does feel at home as it sounds that you and your partner have made sure this is the case.

Of course, if you want to buy your daughter some bits, you should be able to, but I do understand your DP thinking it's silly to buy a coat and shoes when she already has plenty. How about taking her out to the shops next time she's round to get her a new t-shirt or dress? Or a new teddy? Something you can still look at and know you bought, but will not be nearly as expensive as a coat and shoes.

I appreciate you're annoyed at what you perceive to be your DP's lack of understanding, but I can see why she would think that buying these things when you're in a tight situation financially is a bit silly if they're really only going to serve as props to make you feel better.

Absolutely buy your little girl something she needs and will use, but don't buy these things just so you have something to look at when she's not around. Photos are better :) x

Biglettuce · 29/09/2017 23:26

She's totally out of order, it's up to you want you want to spend your money on with your daughter. That she was prepared to have a huge row, that's not good.

HeddaGarbled · 29/09/2017 23:53

It is perfectly reasonable to buy your daughter clothes and shoes etc. It is not reasonable to expect them to be left at your house when she leaves. You should be buying them for your daughter, not for yourself. It should be your daughter's choice whether to leave them at your house or not.

You do not need your ex's permission to buy things for your daughter but do be sensitive about buying expensive things if you can afford them and your ex can't.

HeddaGarbled · 30/09/2017 10:29

Sorry, I've re-read your OP and realised it's your current partner who is objecting, not your ex.

Maybe buy some cheaper items than coat and shoes. Coat and shoes are more likely to be worn while travelling between your homes so less likely to stay at yours. But if you buy her some cheaper things that she gets to choose for herself, she may well wear them over the weekend and then leave them behind for washing.

everydayanewday · 30/09/2017 11:04

Could you not offer to your ex that you'll buy shoes for DD next time she needs them as an extra on top of whatever else you normally do. Then you're helping out. And you can feel a little swell of pride when she's there and you see them in the hall.

Also, it doesn't seem unreasonable to me to buy her a pair of cheap wellies or canvas shoes so she has something for getting muddy in. Asda usually have something for £5/6.

I'm still at the nursery/reception stage but it seems that my kids are expected to have a pair of wellies and/or spare shoes everywhere they go (school/preschool/nursery). Having something at yours doesn't seem too odd, but I can see your partner's objection if she thinks you're talking about a pair of "proper" £40/50 shoes.

Similarly, if she has a coat, does she need another coat? Or could you buy a hoodie or something to have as an extra layer in winter, or as a top layer in autumn/spring. Again, it needn't cost much. Or could you offer to her mum to fund her winter coat this year?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 30/09/2017 11:32

Seriously? Cheap shoes are ok but spending more is problematic? He earns his own money, he can buy what he wants for his child. Exactly who gets hurt by a pair of shoes sat in the hallway with the rest of the family's shoes? If this were the other way round there would be screams of LTB.

mumofone234 · 30/09/2017 11:35

As a father who doesn't get to see his daughter very often, I think a pair of shoes and a coat are small and achievable measures to make you feel better about it. I don't think your DP really understands what you're going through as she still gets to live with her child. If finances are tight, maybe just go with one or the other?

rainingnight · 02/10/2017 23:18

Hi there.

From the point of view a step mum, I think your other half is being rather selfish. The whole prospect of having 2 separate families can be rather scary and daunting to most children, as parents and step parents alike it's our duty to make this as easy as possible for the kids involved and to make them feel loved and welcomed into both families. It sounds like your other half is on a different wave length to you. And although your finances are both your business I also think if you want to buy your daughter a coat and shoes you should do (providing it won't break the bank!). Sometimes you have to put your foot down when it's necessary.

SarahH12 · 04/10/2017 11:36

I don't think it makes sense to buy her shoes and a coat to keep at yours. By all means by these things but then to dictate she leaves them at yours seems a bit pointless really. She'll barely wear them before she's outgrown them. I can totally understand why you'd want to buy her things but it really does seem a little pointless. Can't you buy her normal every day clothes that go back and forth or toys that generally stay at yours?

I'm with PP that said not being allowed to take your things where you please is unfair. They're her clothes, not yours. I admit I do get a tad annoyed when we buy brand new nice clothes that go to DSD's mum's which we never see again and she gets returned in old, outgrown clothes. But ultimately they're her clothes to wear where she pleases.

Especially if money is tight I can understand why your DP would rather you didn't buy them.

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