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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter inconsiderate

37 replies

FoodLover105 · 29/08/2017 05:58

I have an 11 you stepdaughter and have been married to her dad for 5 years, together 6. I met SD when she was 5. My H had SD at 22 with a manipulative, selfish woman who never loved him. She tried to alienate SD but finally gave up when she realized my H wouldn't sign away his rights.

My SD used to ask me when I was having a baby. I have been working on my career and that still isn't an option. Her mom has a 3yo boy and 2yo girl. SD doesn't like being a big sister because she was such a spoiled only child.

Last week, I made a comment about having a baby one day and SD, being her inconsiderate self, says "I already have a brother and sister". I was so frustrated that I flat out said "well your dad is allowed to have kids too. You used to ask me for a baby when you were younger" I wanted to tell her she was being a rude snot and I don't care what she thinks.

Because of the alienation tactics, SD is very close to her mom and pretty much walks all over my H. He allows it because he doesn't get that much time with her. I got really drunk a few days after that and told him I hate him and his bastard kid. That's definitely going to leave a scar on our relationship. I love my H and care about my SD but I wish I wasn't so invested because this is really wearing on me.

BM gets all of the glory for cheating on my H and being a "single mom". The truth is my H left because she cheated multiple times and used him as an ATM then spewed multiple lies in court and the judge believed her.

OP posts:

Janeismymiddlename · 29/08/2017 09:08

Bastard, BM, "single mum"....if Imwere your partner, I'd have packed your bags.

SparklyMagpie · 29/08/2017 09:18

Arn't you an absoute delight OP

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 29/08/2017 09:24

You seem to have a lot of hostility towards your DP's ex. If she is rude, manipulative and so on then obviously these aren't good traits to have but at the same time you can't begrudge her for being a single person.

Your DSD may have asked you about your plans for children when she was younger, but that was years ago and she's now in a different place and has two other siblings (who she now has to share with/build a relationship with and leave without them depending on how it's looked at), so she probably has changed her mind about it. Have a child with you partner if that's what you both want, but don't call her names for expressing an opinion which she has a right to have.

Before you decide to embark on TTC if you aren't doing so already I'd really try to sort out your relationship with DSD and her dad. She will pick up on it, and he now knows that you have an issue with his child. Would you really want a kid with someone who has called your child a bastard, told you they hate her and put you in a horrible position because she will be involved in that child's life. Think about everything for a second.

SuperStormborn · 29/08/2017 09:24

did you write this just to relish in the disapproval of other people? You sound pathetic, OP

Ttbb · 29/08/2017 09:56

The vast moajority of 11 year old girls are snotty and u pleasant. Welcome to teenage hood!

swingofthings · 29/08/2017 11:08

To be fair OP said she was drunk when she said it and she said it to him, not to the child. Not forgiving, but not the end of the world. Some people can say horrible things when they are drunk and stressed and some people can recognise it as such.

However, you do seem to resent your SD and that this is relating to how you feel about the ex. Maybe she is horrible and your SD is not the most pleasant child but you should have given other examples of her being unreasonable than the one you posted here which is totally uneventful and not representative to a child of that age being inconsiderate.

I expect there is more to it all than what you've posted.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/08/2017 13:22

It is quite a big thing for a child to think about their separated parents having more children. It isn't something that I think you should have bought up, in my view, as it's then putting a big responsibility on her to give her blessing or not.

madcatwoman61 · 29/08/2017 17:15

She's 11, she's a little girl - it's YOU who are inconsiderate. I'm not surprised she is worried about you having a child. What a horrible attitude

newjobblewobble · 29/08/2017 19:09

I'd reconsider having kids if I was you.

howtodowills · 30/08/2017 08:36

OP..... it can be very hard being a stepmum and I find that the anxiety it brings can often display itself as anger. I'd hazard a guess this is what's going on with you as it sounds like you've been through some really stressful times. You are NOT a crap person for saying something awful once to your DP when drunk. As always it's a double standard that it's much laughed at on mummy blogs for people to talk about their bio kids in a way that you can't talk about stepkids about.

What you said was wrong, you know that but everyone needs an outlet. I have just learnt that your DP can't be your outlet for frustrations about your Stepkids.

Does your DP see his d is walking all over him?

I'd take a step back if I were you. Leave him to have quality time with her and do your own thing.

Good luck

Handsfull13 · 30/08/2017 09:06

Your allowed to feel pissed off, your SD doesn't respect you and was rube about something that's caught a nerve. No you shouldn't snap at her but I did it to my SS a few times. He was horrid at the idea of me having a baby then when we found it was twins he was so rude I found I couldn't mention anything about be pregnant when he was in the room. Our boys came and he still gets in a few back handed comments but I pull him up on them and luckily so does my OH. He loves them now and shows them off to his friends.

Just try and explain it to your DH and moves past it.
I'm always moaning to my DH which makes me feel shit afterwards but I've told him that getting it out means I get past it without building up resentment

Cabininthewoods69 · 30/08/2017 09:50

Apologise to dh and see if you can work through it. From comments im dreading my dd being 11. They cant be that bad can they. Shes so lovely at 9 help

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