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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter inconsiderate

37 replies

FoodLover105 · 29/08/2017 05:58

I have an 11 you stepdaughter and have been married to her dad for 5 years, together 6. I met SD when she was 5. My H had SD at 22 with a manipulative, selfish woman who never loved him. She tried to alienate SD but finally gave up when she realized my H wouldn't sign away his rights.

My SD used to ask me when I was having a baby. I have been working on my career and that still isn't an option. Her mom has a 3yo boy and 2yo girl. SD doesn't like being a big sister because she was such a spoiled only child.

Last week, I made a comment about having a baby one day and SD, being her inconsiderate self, says "I already have a brother and sister". I was so frustrated that I flat out said "well your dad is allowed to have kids too. You used to ask me for a baby when you were younger" I wanted to tell her she was being a rude snot and I don't care what she thinks.

Because of the alienation tactics, SD is very close to her mom and pretty much walks all over my H. He allows it because he doesn't get that much time with her. I got really drunk a few days after that and told him I hate him and his bastard kid. That's definitely going to leave a scar on our relationship. I love my H and care about my SD but I wish I wasn't so invested because this is really wearing on me.

BM gets all of the glory for cheating on my H and being a "single mom". The truth is my H left because she cheated multiple times and used him as an ATM then spewed multiple lies in court and the judge believed her.

OP posts:

DermotOLogical · 29/08/2017 06:05

She's a child.

You sound so bitter towards her.

None of this is her fault.

swingofthings · 29/08/2017 06:07

Kids say things like that. They are selfish and see things from their perspective. I'm my eyes it certainly didn't warrant snapping back at her like that.

Could you be a bit stressed at the moment leading you to react aggressively. Telling your OH that you hate him and his bastard is as bad as it gets. You're lucky he didn't take his bastard and bags and left you for good. You are probably right that disinvesting yourself would be a good move at this stage.

lunar1 · 29/08/2017 06:10

Your behaviour sounds far worse than hers from what you have posted.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 29/08/2017 06:17

Any partner who said they hated my bastard child wouldn't see the door on their way through it.

Hopefully he'll see the light and get rid of you!

ohlittlepea · 29/08/2017 06:19

Hmm it sounds like your pretty inconsiderate to her actually. Having two homes is pretty tough for a child. Parental seperation is shown to cause greater psychological pain than the death of a parent. Of course its hard for her having younger sibilings who get to stay at the same home all the time. That doesnt make her a spoilt child. Literally any child in a blended family finds this a bit tough. Of course they wonder whether their parent loves the new partner and children more and whether they wish they hadnt had them in the first place. Animosity between the biological parents of the child and their partners isnt easy to deal with and completely destructive for self esteem. Read Penelope Leach.

Its pretty cruel to just drop a new baby in to conversation without doing some build up and kind affirmation of your step daughter first.

How to talk so kids will listen is a great book for building an empathetic understanding between the two of you.

LostLovesLabours · 29/08/2017 06:25

Oh my god ... she's eleven! You are an adult! I would try to like her mother a bit more and view this little girl (who after all is stuck between two homes and adults who clearly loathe each other) more kindly. If she doesn't hate or resent you now, you are going the right way about it. Very sad post.

LavenderDoll · 29/08/2017 06:57

You called his child a Bastard?
I think you need time apart to decide where you go from here.
I'm not sure I could carry on in a relationship if someone called my child that.

Nuttynoo · 29/08/2017 07:08

You sound like you have a lot of growing up to do. If you don't have maternal feelings for a child who you've been around since she was 5/6, then please don't give birth to any kids. You'll only screw them up.

Underthemoonlight · 29/08/2017 07:14

are you a delight afew things here that is appalling especially the way to speak about a CHILD! She may have thought that you guys decided not have children and at 11 seems abit taken back by the thought of you having a baby. I know DS was like this when his DF told them they were expecting even though I had dc as almost ten years past since he was born. He soon got his head around things. The way you speak about your step child's mother is appalling you simply have the word of your dh, you weren't in their relationship at the time so you don't have a true reflection of what happened and is completely irrelevant here. I very much doubt my ex told his DW he was emotionally abusive on one occasion physical and cheated on me giving me an std, when starting a new relationship people what to showcase the best of themselves.

Fairylea · 29/08/2017 07:16

Sounds like you don't know what 11 year old kids - or any kids actually- are really like. 11 is still very little in the grand scheme of things. You getting upset about her comment about already having a brother and sister is ridiculous, I'm sorry but you seriously sound younger than she is the way you got upset about it. You should have just laughed and shrugged it off. She's not thinking about it from an adult perspective - ie her dad having a right to have kids too. How heavy!

I am in a blended family - my dd is 14 and from my first (awful) marriage, I also have a. Ds aged 5 with my now dh. I could spend the whole time waffling on about how awful ex dh is and whatever else but (in real life) I just smile and get on with it because all that matters is dd and the relationship she has with her dad. You need to do the same and basically chill out.

over40andpregnant · 29/08/2017 07:16

Wow
All children say things
If you have one yours will too
The difference is you are an adult and you sound so resentful
I think you need to look at yourself and think why you resent her so much
You chose to be with someone with a child and you need to deal with this

Notreallyarsed · 29/08/2017 07:19

DP and I have been together 6 years, have 2 children together, and if he ever referred to DS1 as my bastard child his feet wouldn't touch the floor on the way out of the door. (Not that he ever would, he's a fantastic step dad)

OP, your relationship is dead in the water if this is how you feel about his child. It's that simple.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/08/2017 07:20

You do sound resentful. And as a po said, anyone who said they hated my child, let alone called them a bastard child, would be out of the door.

JustMumNowNotMe · 29/08/2017 07:20

Bullshit is this real, no grown adult could be so awful about a child. You sound jealous, resentful and downright vile. If this is real, lets hope her dad realises what a bitch he's shacked up with and dumps you sharpish!

FannyTheFlamingo · 29/08/2017 07:27

This can't be real! Step parents get a rough ride on here at the best of times. To come on and call an 11 yr old a snot and a bastard must be to get a reaction. Or at least I hope it is. I have 3 step children and they can piss my off till I'm on my last nerve, but I would never call them names, especially not to their dad.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/08/2017 07:27

She's 11!!

SilverBirchTree · 29/08/2017 07:36

Wow you sound awful. Have you read your own post back?

fatfingeredfran · 29/08/2017 07:58

I don't think what you said to SD was that bad. Not great, but not terrible. However, what you've said to your DH about her is .

Perhaps if you admit fault to your DH and sincerely apologise and address your issues then it could be salvageable.

If your SD overheard what you said to DH tho, or if you've said things like this in the past, then I doubt you can come back from this.

Belindaboom · 29/08/2017 08:00

Well you sound like a delight.

Purplemac · 29/08/2017 08:07

She is a fucking child!! She is going to say (what you consider to be) inconsiderate things every once in a while.

My DSD is desperate for a baby brother or sister here (her mum has a baby daughter). My DH and I are unable to have children and it used to really sting whenever she would tell me to have a baby, but I didn't take it out on her because she is just a kid. We eventually explained to her that not everyone can have babies, and now we talk to her very openly about adoption as that is the route we are pursuing.

You sound bloody awful though OP. I'm sure you weren't super considerate of everyone else's feelings when you were 11

HarrisHawk · 29/08/2017 08:18

She's 11. Her brain is still developing. She doesn't have the same cognitive abilities as an adult. It's simply not possible for her to always be considerate of others or to understand how her words might affect others.

It's your job as an adult to be considerate of her feelings, and her fears of having more siblings/a new baby who might monopolise her dad.

You need to give your head a wobble.

mustresistwine · 29/08/2017 08:23

I don't believe this is real

But just in case it is, you seem to be focusing a lot of energy on your DH's ex which is pointless & destructive. These negative feelings about her are now affecting your feelings about your step daughter.

Clearly this isn't acceptable and if you can't sort it out you need to end your relationship & exit this poor girls life! I'm curious to know how your DH responded to your drunken rant??

Cabininthewoods69 · 29/08/2017 08:38

Its a hatd thing to be a step parent i struggled to start with and still do now at times and my step kids are both around 20. I find its best to hold your tongue and let what they have said or done sink in and then it becomes clear that they didnt mean to be anything negative just young and still trying to figure out how to express themselves.

Its a thankless task but its either get on with it or chose not to. I still have days where i could tell dp ex where to get off as shes nasty to kids, i know this as they tell me. But it doesnt help the kids, so instead we talk it throu and see if any of there actions could of caused a reaction. Good luck

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 29/08/2017 08:45

Wow. Just wow. I would never forgive someone who spoke to me like that about my child. More fool your OP if he does. Remember you are the adult in this relationship and your SD is just a child. You certainly don't sound like someone I'd want as a step mother.

NotTheCoolMum · 29/08/2017 08:48

You don't seem to understand your role OP. This situation isn't about you or your personal feelings. You are in the role of "parent" and the 11 year old is in the role of "child". By behaving like this you are not behaving as a parent. Your contempt for this poor girl will be clear as day no matter how well you think you are hiding it.

Leave this poor child alone. She has enough to deal with. If you can't see that then you need to think very seriously about what you are trying to achieve in living with her and her father. If you can't hack it, and yes step parenting is hard, do everyone a favour and bugger off. Find a partner who doesn't already have children.

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