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Step-parenting

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Original poster

"Step-son" moving in - please help!

32 replies

GracieGal · 22/08/2017 16:57

Hi all
I'm brand new to this, I've only just registered, so please be gentle with me!
My partner & I have been together for nearly 3 years, despite having known each other since we were 15 (we're now 42!), and we're very happy. We live together in London around 60% of the time - he has flat and a job in the city we both grew up in - but he will be moving in with me full time in around a month, and his job will move with him. He had a son when he was young (he was 19 when he & his ex found out they were pregnant) and his son is now nearly 22. His son splits his time living at his dad's flat and at his mum's. I get on really well with his son, and I know that he is fond of me too. His son is an unusual character - definitely (but mildly) somewhere on the spectrum, he is more like an old man than a 21 yr old for many things, and yet he's very infantile in some ways.
I have always been very clear that the son can come and stay with us whenever he likes (I have a spare bedroom), earlier in the year I had a really good conversation with him about how he was feeling about his dad moving away, I made sure I reassured him that he was always welcome to come and stay. However, in the last couple of days, he has decided to take a job in London.
Yesterday, my partner asked me for floor plans of my flat and when I asked him what he needed them for, he told me that he's going to buy a couch for the spare room so that his son has a chillout area. As in - his son is coming to live with us.
I feel resentful that this has been taken as a given. I raised this earlier with him on the phone and it was an awkward conversation - but the last thing I want is for him to feel as though it has anything to do with his son, it doesn't! It is already a big step for my partner to be moving in, albeit one that I am completely ready for - I just never envisaged getting a 2 for 1 deal. My flat is small, it has been wonderful having the spare room for friends to stay & as a general storage area and I'm worried that I'm going to feel suffocated. I really don't mean to come across as heartless - I have 5 godchildren and a niece and nephew that I adore, but the idea of any of them actually living with me full-time would be a nightmare. Any of them could come and stay for as long as they wanted whilst they looked for a flat share, no problem at all! But I am so used to having my own space, playing music whenever I like, eating whatever whenever I want, walking around naked etc etc. My partner regularly complains that his son is messy & disorganised whereas I am almost too much the other way. It just feels as though I have gone from being really happy that my other half is moving in with me, to an awful feeling of dread in my stomach that I can't shift that his son will also be living with us. Any advice on how I can cope with this better, other than gin?! My partner says that his son will be on a very low salary for the 1st year whilst he does his training - so do I suggest a compromise of "it's no problem for the 1st year but then he has to find a flatshare"? This is all obviously no big deal for my partner - after all, he has lived with his son his whole life. But I'm not sure he appreciates how massive this feels to me.
Thank you in advance x

OP posts:
Auspiciouspanda · 22/08/2017 17:15

Where did you expect his son would be living?

Original poster
GracieGal · 22/08/2017 17:41

I thought he would get a flat share - most 22yr olds that I know would want to live with people their own age... but like I say it's all pretty brand new - he only took the job on Friday so I guess I hadn't thought about it too extensively!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 22/08/2017 18:12

What's A 'chill out area'? I don't take this as moving in! Are you sure that's why he meant? If so it's not acceotable that he would hedge assumed it was ok with you at all. M

Original poster
GracieGal · 22/08/2017 18:19

Sorry I should have explained - the spare room has the bed on a mezzanine and a free space below so he means that if he buys a couch for the space below, then his son can use that space as almost a little living room...

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 22/08/2017 18:23

It would be a 'no' from me I'm afraid. I think you're going to have to continue separate homes until the son is fully independent.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2017 18:31

It's a very bad sign that he assumed anything. When you plan to live together everything needs to be discussed and it's a massive deal him assuming his son will continue to live between his parents without talking to you about it when you'll also be living with his Dad.

You're not being mean to say you'd like total transparency on who your partner thinks is going to be living in this house the two of you are planning to share. Now. With a very specific idea of how often he'll be there, for how long, and what the ground rules will be.

Don't be put off by his or your own awkwardness at a difficult chat. You need to sit down and have a proper fair and frank talk about expectations.

MissBabbs · 22/08/2017 18:42

Stay in separate homes til DS is older.

DancesWithOtters · 22/08/2017 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magda72 · 22/08/2017 18:43

I'm with Anna OP.
Your step son is an adult & in your position I would have assumed he would stay over from time to time when visiting his dad but not move in!
I would personally be very reluctant to accept this as you will go from living on your own to having two grown men in your space which I'm pretty sure you didn't sign up for.
If it were me I'd have to have the hard conversation where I say no. Maybe your Dp could find a place to share with his son until his son gets established?

Magda72 · 22/08/2017 18:44

Sorry - Anne

grandOlejukeofYork · 22/08/2017 18:45

Where did you expect his son would be living?

Anyone except in her flat when no-one had asked her if he could move in? Stupid question.

Original poster
GracieGal · 22/08/2017 19:13

First of all - a massive thank you Smile It's good to know that I'm not going completely crazy... part of this I think is down to semantics - we had always talked about giving his son somewhere to "stay", well before the job offer even came up. That's important to me - I'm half Italian & very family orientated, and it's crucial that his son always feels welcome. But i think there may have been a misunderstanding - I think I have been referring to a comfy place for his son to stay, and I think my partner has (since his son took the job a few days ago) has taken that to mean a comfy place to LIVE.
No I absolutely did not say it's unacceptable - on the contrary, I said that I will come to terms with it, that it is just something that I need to process... I genuinely don't feel as though I can say no - we have been jumping through hoops in order to live together, it's something we both really want.
And I should also mention that my partner is a very good guy - he's kind and gentle, and he's a dad and I love how much he looks out for his son.
But it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm teary and I feel a bit sick! I would understand if he were 16 - but he'll be 22 by the time he moves in. This just isn't how I imagined things...

OP posts:
Mrscropley · 22/08/2017 19:15

Does your dp intend to fully fund his ds while he is at your house?

QuiteLikely5 · 22/08/2017 19:18

Perhaps it's only going to be a temporary thing - till he finds his feet. If not you can always drop hints.

Also you might quite like the arrangement- stranger things have happened Smile

Original poster
GracieGal · 22/08/2017 19:26

Yes to the finding question - we both have good jobs so that's no problem... and up until now, his son has been taking home a huge salary for his age whilst living between parents so I'd be amazed if he didn't have significant savings.
And yes, you're right! Maybe if I work myself into enough of a state about this, it won't as much of a nightmare as I'm imagining - that's been true with things in the past Smile
Thank you again x

OP posts:
Original poster
GracieGal · 22/08/2017 19:26

Sorry "funding" question!

OP posts:
grandOlejukeofYork · 22/08/2017 19:27

Perhaps it's only going to be a temporary thing - till he finds his feet. If not you can always drop hints

What? You can "drop hints" that the person who just moved in with you without you asking might think about not staying for ever?

I do wonder what planet some people are on.

Fishface77 · 22/08/2017 19:28

I would say no.
It's the whole presumption! No discussion?!

Original poster
GracieGal · 22/08/2017 19:30

Like I say, I think it may have been a case of misunderstanding / semantics rather than presumption - aargh!

OP posts:
LineysRun · 22/08/2017 19:52

Yesterday, my partner asked me for floor plans of my flat

As opposed to, could we fit a couch in there? That is very peculiar.

Joinourclub · 22/08/2017 20:12

It's ok for it you not to be ok with this.
3 adults in a 2 bedroom flat? That's a squeeze. How many loos are there?
Will bills be split 3 ways? Rent?

lunar1 · 22/08/2017 20:27

You really need to sit down and have a proper conversation with your partner, about all aspects of moving in together.

You presumed he would become independent upon his dad moving in with you, your partner presumed things would continue as they are now.

It seems a pretty huge thing to not have discussed properly. What other assumptions may you have both made?

I know that wherever I live through my life, it will be with the provision that my children can always live with me if they need to, maybe your partner feels the same.

Magda72 · 22/08/2017 21:07

If he has significant savings he has no 'need' to live with you & his dad - he & his dad are CHOOSING to live together! In YOUR flat! And are presuming you want the same!
That is a massive presumption for anyone to make - semantics or no semantics.
OP they may be the loveliest men on the planet but that does not negate the fact that they are making big changes to your living situation without asking if that's ok!
What about your family & friends whom you like to have visit? Where will they now stay if they want to see you & you then?
I really don't feel this is ok at all - again I stress that your dss is a grown adult (not a minor) with a job & does not need to be funded by his father or you!

Wdigin2this · 22/08/2017 21:44

Gawd almighty....don't do it!!!
You've been used to living alone, you're DP is moving in, that's going to be enough of a roller coaster ride! Whether it was semantics or assumption, make it clear now, he can stay a month or (at a push) 2 whilst looking for a flatshare, or whatever, but you don't want a 2nd grown man living in your home....just think of the bathroom situation for goodness sake!!
Your gut is telling you, you're going to dislike/resent this......listen to it!!!!!

sweetbitter · 22/08/2017 22:38

I think you'll really regret moving in with him if his son comes too.

I understand it feels awkward to put the brakes on now especially if you feel there have been some misunderstandings. But if you feel so strongly now about not wanting the son to live with you, to the point you are teary and panicking, I think it's highly unlikely the reality is going to be somehow fine or not as bad as you thought.

It'll be even more awkward if they both move in and a year down the line you are cracking up from sharing your home but the son is unable to leave due to finances or just not getting his act together enough to sort his own place.

You need to have an honest conversation with your DP and be clear about the misunderstanding re the word 'stay'. Its his right to say his son has to have a home with him, unconditionally. But if that's the case, you really can't move in with him feeling the way you do, no one is necessarily in the wrong but it sounds like a recipe for unhappiness and resentment all round.