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Step-parenting

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Original poster

At a loss, I'm trying my best but I'm still the bad guy....

41 replies

Takingmedown · 20/08/2017 20:09

First post and I'm not sure how this works so please bear with me!
A little background; I was married to my first husband for 14 years. 2 children. He sadly died a few years ago.
Was on my own for 3 1/2 years when I met my [now] DH.
Whirlwind romance and marriage.....now privileged to have a much larger family including 2 DSC who we have at weekends. It has all gone so swimmingly apart from a few ups and downs in the initial settling in time.
However, now I feel like I'm on a roller coaster......my DH will not have anything negative said about his children....if I even ask them to pick up their shoes and put them in the box, or ask them (as I do my own kids) to not go out in garden etc with no shoes on he gets really defensive.....to the point of shouting and swearing at me...the older girl is apparently "stubborn" and therefore doesn't need to listen to me 🤔
These little things are just the tip of the iceberg,I'm just using them for example.
Please someone give me some advice, I can't cope with the nastiness and the way he jumps at me over this. It's breaking my heart.

OP posts:
Buggeritimgettingup · 20/08/2017 20:27

Leave

Alanna1 · 20/08/2017 20:29

Could you try relationship/couples counselling??

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2017 20:30

He has no right to speak to you that way. It's nothing to do with the DSC, it's about him not being an abusive prick to his wife. Please don't put up with this. What example is that to your own children?

Mrscropley · 20/08/2017 20:33

Unless he is prepared to parent his dc and have them all treated the same you are wasting your time.

And it's unfair on you dc if house rules don't apply to all. His dc aren't guests you should be tiptoeing around are they?

lunar1 · 20/08/2017 20:33

How quick was your whirlwind romance?

MadMags · 20/08/2017 20:34

Whirlwind marriage = problems. It's a bit of a no-brainer, tbh!

SingingSeuss · 20/08/2017 20:34

Sounds tricky. How is he with your kids? Does he parent them or stay out of it? You need to have this out, probably with a professional's help otherwise the relationship may not last long.

LineysRun · 20/08/2017 20:35

Can you backtrack a bit and say how it all unfolded? What's their background? Ages?

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2017 20:35

Basically you married in haste and now you are repenting at leisure. Thank god for divorce.

Identity1 · 20/08/2017 20:35

Hi OP, sympathise for your situation. What has changed now ? Why has it been ok in the past and not now? So you have been able to as your DSC to do these 'normal things in the past but not now ? Hmmmm why would your DH be so abusive about you generally looking after the well being of his DC ie put your shoes on in garden - could be dangerous if you don't and please help tidy up after yourselves cos I'm not the mug being left to do everything. How old are the DSC. And surely he can see that you treat your own two DC the same ? I'm a bit stuck as to what to advise you without a bit more info.....

Mama234 · 20/08/2017 20:39

His veil is now lifting and your seeing who you really married.
Get out of there life's too short to put up with someone like that.

Original poster
Takingmedown · 20/08/2017 20:40

Thank you for your replies.
The whirlwind was less than a year! I know, I know!

MrsCropley - I think this is what upsets me the most. I'm losing authority with my own children and it makes the atmosphere so tense.
I feel as if my opinion or needs are bottom of the pile.....I am by no means a strict parent...in fact I let them all get away with quite a lot, but if I pull either of my dsc up on anything he gets so antsy.

As for the example it sets, again it's a huge worry for me - my dd has started being quite clingy and acting up and I'm sure it's because she's worried about me. She lost her dad, gained a whole new dynamic and now sees mum being stressed and down.....
Shit, this really isn't good is it😢

OP posts:
MadMags · 20/08/2017 20:41

Or it could be that you moved a practical stranger into her home so soon after she'd lost her dad!

Divorce is your friend.

Mama234 · 20/08/2017 20:42

No get out of there, Its affecting your kids as well as you.

Lovemusic33 · 20/08/2017 20:42

Your dh is being a dick. It's unfair that his kids don't have to follow the rules but your kids do. How old are the dc's? Not as though it makes a difference.

Lovemusic33 · 20/08/2017 20:46

Cross post. Agree with others, get out of there and concentrate on your own dc's.

I kicked my whirlwind romance out at Christmas. One of his dc's smacked my disabled dc in the face. His parenting skills were on a whole different level to mine and I began to hate having his dc's in my house, it wasn't their fault, it was his fault. I'm now happily single with my 2 dc's and they are so much happier.

lunar1 · 20/08/2017 20:50

Don't try to fix this, you married and moved in with a stranger. You have no idea who he is and this is still the honeymoon phase. A year from now it will all just be a bad memory you can move on from.

Original poster
Takingmedown · 20/08/2017 20:50

He's lovely with my son, really hands on and does loads of boy stuff. Not so connected to my dd, I think he doesn't know how to parent her?
We have been so happy and settled so I don't understand why he reacts this way.

He has always felt bad for leaving the family home and " letting his children down" and I have been totally understanding and supportive of that, to the point of even wanting to talk to his ex about giving the children a home with us here. (His ex wife had an affair and wanted her new man to move in)

I have made so many changes to my and my children's lives, including buying a larger home so everyone can have their own room etc. I got a people carrier, bought a large caravan for holidays etc. Always include all the children in activities, spent exactly same amounts on clothes etc and made everyone's rooms how they wanted.....I'm at a loss how much more I can do. I cuddle all the kids, tell them all I love them, put them all to bed with a gentle tone etc...all the things I do for my dcs I do for dsc....
Sorry if I'm moaning on, I'm just so bereft....I can't keep going like this....

OP posts:
Mrscropley · 20/08/2017 20:52

My ex had 2x ds and I had 2 much younger dd so the differences weren't obvious to my girls - but his were allowed sweets /pop / crisps and back to the corner shop when they ran out. .
Yet when I said no it was respected by the boys but now exh wanted to be Disney dad and my efforts were futile.

Was actually a relief when we divorced. .

lunar1 · 20/08/2017 20:55

You don't know why he behaves the way he does because you don't really know him.

LineysRun · 20/08/2017 20:59

Being realistic, get out of this marriage whilst it's still short, and walk away with what you put in.

Original poster
Takingmedown · 20/08/2017 21:06

He's just come in from dropping the dsc home. I'm so anxious I'm shaking, this is not good. I feel so stupid' anyone who knows me in real life would be so shocked that it's like this....I'm glad my dd is with her nan for a few days....

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2017 21:10

Is the house in just your name? Have you separate finances? You need a friend to make a plan with if that's possible.

Right now you're upset and I wouldn't do anything decisive tonight.

Identity1 · 20/08/2017 21:10

I think I would definitely chat to him and ask him why he acts the way he does..... consider his response and then consider your next love.... good luck x

Identity1 · 20/08/2017 21:11

Move !!! Not love aghhhh bloomin autocorrect ShockShock