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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

At a loss, I'm trying my best but I'm still the bad guy....

41 replies

Takingmedown · 20/08/2017 20:09

First post and I'm not sure how this works so please bear with me!
A little background; I was married to my first husband for 14 years. 2 children. He sadly died a few years ago.
Was on my own for 3 1/2 years when I met my [now] DH.
Whirlwind romance and marriage.....now privileged to have a much larger family including 2 DSC who we have at weekends. It has all gone so swimmingly apart from a few ups and downs in the initial settling in time.
However, now I feel like I'm on a roller coaster......my DH will not have anything negative said about his children....if I even ask them to pick up their shoes and put them in the box, or ask them (as I do my own kids) to not go out in garden etc with no shoes on he gets really defensive.....to the point of shouting and swearing at me...the older girl is apparently "stubborn" and therefore doesn't need to listen to me 🤔
These little things are just the tip of the iceberg,I'm just using them for example.
Please someone give me some advice, I can't cope with the nastiness and the way he jumps at me over this. It's breaking my heart.

OP posts:

Original poster

Takingmedown · 20/08/2017 21:14

Stupidly put in over 85% of house ( I was left well off by previous DH)
Have 1 joint account but only small amounts in it.

Do I really have to end it? We have such an amazing time all week and genuinely have never had even cross word about anything but the dsc.... we laugh all the time, love passionately, I adore spending time with him, then the shadow descends......
What the hell do i do?

Anyone had any positive outcome from this kind of situation?

Thank you for the support. Xx

OP posts:

LineysRun · 20/08/2017 21:16

No, you don't have to end it - but you DO need positive changes, especially communication, fairness, equal parenting values ... It's quite hard when he doesn't have any incentive to do that iykwim

LineysRun · 20/08/2017 21:19

For full and fair disclosure, OP, I don't live with my DP because we can't blend the families confidently. It's been over four years and, hey. It's what it is.

affectionincoldclimate · 20/08/2017 22:09

You need to speak to him.

You do not need to leave. Not yet anyway.

Love and commitment shine out of every single post of yours. Bring that to your conversation.
He will have all sorts of things going on about wanting to be the best Dad there is and wanting best for his children while not being with their mother with the guilt hanging over him. He needs to be made aware of the impact this inconsistency in approach is having on you and your children. You need to work as a team and swearing at you is not acceptable. He needs to be told that in no uncertain terms - calmly and assertively. My DP used to shout (I observed that pattern in his family - MIL and FIL shouting at each other as a first port of call in minor disagreements despite loving each other very much and being utterly committed) and he had to work on that as I said it was a deal breaker.

At a risk of sounding like a pop psychologist: are you a bit of a pleaser who won't state their needs and put everyone else first (reading in between the lines here so please excuse me if I got it wrong). So there is an opportunity for you to break out of this and start being assertive.

See how that goes and then think of next steps. Good luck.

Identity1 · 20/08/2017 22:11

No you don't have to end it but you do need to raise this with him. A massive communication overhaul in your house I think. Ask him why he treats you the way he does for looking after ALL children in household. But if he sees no wrong in this then you need to consider If you want to live like this.... I don't seem to remember you saying how old SC are.... how long are they likely to be coming under current contact arrangements.
You say he feels guilty for leaving their home... I would point out to him he left bricks and mortar and his EW - presumably because he wasn't happy. He did not leave behind and forget about his DC as he is still very much involved in their lives. He made a decision to end the relationship with EW not his children, he can do everything with them and for them even though he doesn't live with them full time. He has made a life and home with you and he has to live his current life not acting like a d**k cos he feels guilty for making a decision he felt was the right one.

LisaMed1 · 20/08/2017 22:34

Have you protected the money in the house by a deed of trust? How about wills to make sure the right amount goes to your kids? If he has problems with either of these things you need to consider your options. You need to protect your kids.

Wdigin2this · 21/08/2017 16:50

You can try having a proper discussion about this, but tbh, I don't think you'll get anywhere! He obviously sees anything you say as criticism of his DC, and that probably won't change. As for him swearing and shouting at you....how long do you think you can cope with that?

Original poster

Takingmedown · 21/08/2017 22:39

UPDATE!

Thank you for all the replies, advice and general loveliness.
It has been an awful 24hours and the culmination of a horrible few months.....

I had a very frank discussion with my DH and laid all my concerns, anger, unhapiness and general pissed offedness (!) on the table.

He was extremely upset and confused by the sheer depth of my feelings! I have never ranted and raved so much in my life (it's very cathartic, isn't it?!)

Anyway, up shot is he has agreed to try my way until Christmas with periodic reviews to see how we are both feeling. We are going to spend more time doing stuff together as a whole family and it will not be dictated by the children. If they don't feel happy with a situation we will be able to talk it over, but it's not up to any one child to dictate how everyone else gets to interact.
I have asked that he supports me in every way, and if there is a problem we address it privately and calmly.
We have addressed the issues of screen time and content (major bone of contention) and we have agreed a compromise, but I am allowed to ban any content that I do not think is appropriate....regardless of if they are allowed to watch it at home etc.

Long story short.... I should have spoken to him sooner and with a bit more balls than I ever have......I'm exhausted but relieved.
Thank you everyone.

OP posts:

Mama234 · 21/08/2017 22:46

Glad you feel better about it all op and he's listened to you.

Identity1 · 21/08/2017 23:06

Pleased you are able to move forward and have agreed a resolution. Good you are going to review along the way save either of you ending up feeling like you have been doing.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 22/08/2017 00:30

I think this is what upsets me the most. I'm losing authority with my own children and it makes the atmosphere so tense I fully sympathise with this. I had an older DSD move out blaming me, after living full time with me and DP for years, but she totally ignored me and would not take anything off me, not even the smallest 'please clear up your plate'.

I went to counselling and it has not solved things, but it really did help bring home to DP some of these issues. Being able to have the space to explain out loud meant that he could no longer hide from facing up to some things.

It is not a good sign though, that your DH is so fully undermining you. However my DP did this too, I could not say anything even remotely negative about his kids, even though I was their main parent a lot of the time. I ended the relationship for a time and that was also a very good thing to do. I had a child with him and my own, and that stress was taking it's toll very unfairly on them and the harmony of the home.

You have to put a line in the sand - and just talking won't probably be enough. You must make some definite changes. Good luck.

swingofthings · 22/08/2017 10:30

It sounds like you are doing a lot towards harmonizing the family so don't beat yourself up.

It sound like you are over the 'honeymoon' period and facing the inevitable adjustments that come with blending families which is almost always harder the quicker you rush into it.

It doesn't hedge to mean that things are going wrong just that you're now rescuing a few of the downs that you need to get through.

My first thought is that maybe you need to let go of the least important parts and focus on the main principles. I personally didn't car if my kids went in the garden without their shoes and yes it would have annoyed if my OH was constantly on their back for things like this which I would consider frivolous.

You need to talk and accept that some conflict didn't mean your relationship is going wrong.

EagledWingsofRefuge · 22/08/2017 11:17

Gosh that sounds awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Honestly, I think you should leave. He sounds like he doesn't respect you and he's treating you really badly. Its never okay to shout and swear at your partner!

EagledWingsofRefuge · 22/08/2017 11:18

Oops sorry. Should've read your update. I really really hope the next few months goes well for you.

affectionincoldclimate · 23/08/2017 21:49

That's wonderful update to read.

Good luck! You sound like a lovely person. Exercise that assertive muscle!

ChevalierTialys · 23/08/2017 22:38

he gets really defensive.....to the point of shouting and swearing at me...
He's just come in from dropping the dsc home. I'm so anxious I'm shaking

You shkuldnt have to live like this. Please think about the example you are setting for your children. DS thinking he should treat women this way, DD thinking she deserves no better as its 'normal'...

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