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Original poster

Wanting to move in together - child doesn't want to

27 replies

ArriettyCArriettyC · 17/08/2017 17:50

Hello, my son is 11 and I have been separated from his father since before he is born. He has only rarely seen his dad as he lives abroad. I have had no relationships in his life, until a year ago when I met someone special. I am so grateful to have this second chance at a relationship and shared family - he has two slightly older sons and the children get on great. My partner and I would like to start thinking about moving in together and his children seem fine with this. However my son is adamant that he never wants to do this. He likes my DP and everyone gets on well, and we spend lots of time all together, including holidays. However, he has had me to himself his whole life, and really struggles with the concept of sharing me. I would love us to have this chance of family life and I think another adult caring for him would only be beneficial for him. Of course I don't want to do anything he is not happy with though. Has anyone else successfully worked through this situation, and any tips please? Thanks.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 17/08/2017 17:54

No experience personally, so possibly out of line here, but I think if you have the chance of happiness after 11 years you should grab it.

elevenclips · 17/08/2017 17:54

Could you maybe re-assess the situation in 6 months?

Original poster
ArriettyCArriettyC · 17/08/2017 17:56

thank you for the quick replies. I do feel like it would be a shame to not progress the relationship with this lovely man, and I honestly feel it would benefit my son as well as me. But I would hate to do anything to make him unhappy. Thanks for the reassessment after 6 months advice - do you mean to mention it again to my son in 6 months?

OP posts:
PaperdollCartoon · 17/08/2017 17:59

I agree with PP, give it 6 months and talk again. A year is pretty quick to move in together, especially with children involved. Give him more time to get used to the idea, and get to know your DP better.

Original poster
ArriettyCArriettyC · 17/08/2017 18:02

thank you, I will be patient :)

OP posts:
lunar1 · 17/08/2017 18:12

Lots of people can and do make it work. It id spend the next 6/12 months really looking at each others parenting. Having some good long two week holidays together. Really open your eyes to the way wii both parent and house rules. How will bedrooms work etc.

Will either side need to make huge sacrifices or are there things you fundamentally do differently. Sorting through all this now will potentially save a lot of heartache in the future.

I know I will be flamed for this, but if dh and I separate, from my side I would never put my children into a blended family. I hated my childhood, but mine was an extreme situation and nobody was considering mine or my brothers needs. We had a decade of misery.

LineysRun · 17/08/2017 18:19

Never say never - but a year is very soon, really.

Who would actually need to do the moving and sharing space?

Original poster
ArriettyCArriettyC · 17/08/2017 18:33

thanks again for the replies. My partner has bought a house that will accommodate all of us - my son and I would move in there. Everyone would get their own bedroom

OP posts:
HipsterAssassin · 17/08/2017 18:37

Has he been able to say what worries him? Is the new house far from school and friends? Have you done sleepovers and holidays? How does his parenting differ from yours? A year together is nothing, when there are kids involved. How long has he known your DP? How long have you known him? You sound so happy, which is brilliant! But the issues are always complex, IMO. Thinking of ultimately doing this myself in 3 years time. I think it's a massive undertaking in my circs (teen girls). Watching the thread with interest.

So many horror stories re blending families, I want to hear a good one!! Smile

BeakersofNaiceHam · 17/08/2017 18:40

In your OP you said I think another adult caring for him would only be beneficial for him. I think having a second adult in his life might be beneficial but it's not guaranteed, he'd be much better off with just you if things don't go well. That's why I think it's better to take things slower and as pp suggested look more carefully at how your lifestyles and parenting will work together. What does your ds like about your present life and home and how can you make sure he still gets that and the same for him and his boys of course.
Also how your dp responds to this will tell you something about him and his values.

Original poster
ArriettyCArriettyC · 17/08/2017 18:42

thank you - really useful things to think about and I will share with my partner later. The new house is less than a mile from ours, and in fact is closer to his secondary school, so no probs with friends, school etc. I think the main issue is that he wants my full attention and doesn't want to share me, and is probably terrified of changing all he has ever known (ie me and him together as a little team).

You're right though that we need to look carefully at parenting styles and go into this with eyes open ... so useful thank you

OP posts:
DarthMaiden · 17/08/2017 18:51

Take it slow.

Maybe start having sleepovers at your Dp's house. Make sure when you do this that he has your attention. Explain to your DP what you are doing.

If he has his own room there would DP let him help decorate it - let him feel some ownership of his "new" space etc.

I think going from one home situation to another will undoubtedly be stressful so I'd focus on a transitional phase where you still have your own home but slowly (very slowly) start spending more time at your DP's.

3had0w · 17/08/2017 18:57

How about suggesting sleepovers altogether to begin with? Every other weekend say on a Saturday night, and make the night fun. Big cinema style night with all the boys together plus you and your DP along with a good film, takeaway and some popcorn for afterwards with the film. I would leave it a little longer though before moving in together full time. Reassure your DS also that when the time comes you will still spent some special 'mum and son' time with him

Adviceplease360 · 17/08/2017 19:08

I wouldn't move in, definitely wait and see how he feels in six months time. Don't mean to be patronising but well done for putting your child's needs above your own. Too many people rush these things or are selfish and not prioritising their child over their new partner. One year is very very soon.

Ilovetolurk · 17/08/2017 19:15

Generalising a bit but how he feels now might be completely different to how he will feel in a year's time. Right now he is still your little boy but as he becomes a teenager he will withdraw a bit from this role in favour of his own social life and plans. At this point he may find it easier to accept.

It may be difficult now if you have always been very close

Original poster
ArriettyCArriettyC · 17/08/2017 21:33

Thanks everyone. We do sleepover a lot at DP's house and we have made a lovely bedroom for DS there (with the promise of swapping to a bigger one if at some point we moved in). I think you're right - one year is not much time. We will continue as we are and hope for the best. I just get worried that DS will never want it

OP posts:
DarthMaiden · 17/08/2017 22:01

I just think you need to be patient.

Don't mention moving in. Just slowly try to unite the households. Sleepovers, evening meals, lunch, days out.

TBH it's good for you and your DP as much as your son.

Taking it slowly for a year isn't much to ask of you are meant to have a lifetime together.

lovelycuppateas · 23/08/2017 13:24

My experience of my partner living with me and my children has been hugely positive. It's allowed them to have a role model of what a decent relationship is like, as opposed to the really terrible dynamic between me and their dad. They've become much more considerate of me and each other, and we generally have a much happier home than when I was attempting to manage everything by myself. A child psychologist told me that children need to SEE cooperation between the adults that care for them in order to make good cooperative relationships themselves, and it's that advice really that persuaded me that living together was a good idea. It's just wrong to think that blended families are always the worse option for kids.

We've all lived together now for three years (in this relationship for 5), and it's taken a lot of patience, kindness and consideration on all sides, but worth it.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 24/08/2017 00:55

11 is a time when a lot of kids just don't want any change, going into their teenage years, and are less flexible. There may also be changes that scare them too.

I'd agree that it would be good not to rush it. Allow another year at least to just enjoy the relationship, and allow the kids and you to spend time together without any pressure. Reassure your son at this stage that yes, at some point, you would like to move in with a partner, and unfortunately, that is not something that is his decision, it's yours. However, there is no rush, it's early days, talk to him lightly without the foreboding of a quick change about what his fears might be. Let him know that you will always make sure that he is cared for and also protected - that a lot of things will still stay the same like time just to hang out together, time to have your own identity and way of doing things, family and friends and school.

And also say to him that he's under no obligation to have to play happy families, or to love anyone or like them. He has to be cordial and pleasant, but he still is bound to have annoyances and that's fine.

Columbine1 · 18/11/2017 15:35

When your DS is a little older & develops more of an independent life through friendships he may well feel a bit less possessive if you. My DS told me I should get a BF once he had a GF @15 :)

NorthernSpirit · 18/11/2017 16:13

Take it slow. You deserve happiness and of course your child doesn’t want to share you. At the same time children can’t dictate and control adult lives. Go slowly slowly.

Northernparent68 · 19/11/2017 06:40

I think lunar is right, blended families do n’t always work. I really think it’s unfair to put children through and unrealistic to expect children to be happy about it. why not just enjoy what you’ve got and live in separate households.

errorofjudgement · 19/11/2017 06:59

If your DS is 11 I guess he only started secondary school in September so he’s already coping with a huge adjustment there.
Give him time to deal with that, & revisit at Easter. Ultimately your DS will need to accept it’s going to happen and deal with that change, but one thing at a time would be my advice.

Justoneme · 19/11/2017 12:04

I think it is normal... he maybe worried that he is going to have to share his mum... whilst you want to make sure your son is happy; your happiness is also important. I would move in with DP and fully involve your son. Good luck

Sandram006 · 10/04/2024 15:24

I have a 20yr old daughter, who is very unhappy about the idea of my long term partner of 19yrs moving in to the family home. She has had the privilege of having the master bedroom with ensuite for the past 5yrs and me in the 2nd DBL bedroom. If my partner does move in, it would mean her giving up the master bedroom and swapping with me, due to space and my partner works from home, so there's more room in the Master bedroom for desk space, for him to work from. She's not happy at all about the new situation and doesn't want him living with us. My partner and I have had a rocky past and its been very up & down over the years. It hasn't helped that he was unaware until recently, that he been suffering with BPD & ADHD, which hasn't helped our relationship over the past years. But now that he's aware of his condition, he's seeking help and trying to better himself at the age of 44. That said, my fault was involving my daughter too much with my relationship problems in the past, which is a mistake I regret now and she's now using it against me. Telling me that my partner is toxic and we have a toxic relationship, and him moving in will send her over the edge with her mentall health, and that I choose him over her.

Her own father has been very absent in her life and my partner has always stuck by her, even when she was going through hard times with her dad. He's never wanted to take over that role of 'father' and has always respected her wishes and needs over the years with regards to their relationship and has been a good friend to her.
She thinks I'm making a big mistake and that I should leave him and continue my life without him because in her opinion, I could do better than him.
But this is my relationship, my life and we're trying to plan for our future together, my daughter has already announced that she plans to move out in 2yrs time and why cant we just wait until that time comes. But as I told her, she was only meant to take a year out after college and its now been 3yrs and she's still undesisive as to what she's dojng with herself... its a "how long is a piece of string!" scenario.
What do I do? I feel so stuck, I want my partner to move in, so we can move on with our lives together but not if she's going to be unhappy, resentful and potentially make our lives miserable...