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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Teenage boys unhealthy sexual behaviour

48 replies

VodkaRB · 14/08/2017 18:05

Really don't want to out myself but need advice. So namechanged.
DSS has been compulsively looking up porn on his iPad.
Porn nowadays can be pretty hardcore so DH confiscated iPad, talked to DSS etc.
Turns out he is accessing his sisters iPad and now looking up pictures of small children in pants.
DSS is a closed book emotionally and gives less than nothing away.
My question is, is this normal behaviour for a pubescent teen boy?
My heart says no and I'm so so worried, I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

IAmTheDragon · 14/08/2017 20:33

Not ok, no. The porn is ill-advised but much more normal. The children is very not normal and also very illegal.

ASauvingnonADay · 14/08/2017 20:35

I definitely won't be. I just know it's going to hurt DH big time if he realises I think (or am worried about) his child is capable of abusing mine
Gah yeah. I really sympathise, so tough.

Original poster

VodkaRB · 15/08/2017 14:56

Just to update, I brought it up with DH again and stressed how concerned I was.
He has now reported it to relevant authorities and the ball has started rolling.

I can't tell you all how thankful I am for all the advice.
mouse it was reading your link that made me convinced of the enormity of the situation. Thank you

OP posts:

Moussemoose · 15/08/2017 15:32

Well done you, a good call and the right decision.
It's always OK to ask for help.
Too many people let things like that slip, people like you make a difference

ASauvingnonADay · 15/08/2017 15:59

Well done Vodka 👍🏻

Original poster

VodkaRB · 15/08/2017 16:01

Thank you both

OP posts:

dowhatyouwish · 15/08/2017 16:04

OP you have every right to be concerned. I listened to LBC the other day and a man called up to say his unhealthy relationship with young people began when he was a teenage boy. If your DSS is accessing abuse images of children this needs to be reported and I would say is not up for debate. Good luck with it all

dowhatyouwish · 15/08/2017 16:05

Just seen your response OP. You did the right thing.

JustMumNowNotMe · 15/08/2017 16:10

What an aeful situation for you all OP. I really hope your DSS gets the help and support he needs, he will be very confused abput his feelings and no doubt feeling shame. I know you primarily are worriedao your own child but do try to be kind he isn't making a choice to feel the way he does.
Does he have a history of abuse himself?

JustMumNowNotMe · 15/08/2017 16:10

Bloody typos, sorry feeding the baby lol

WashingMatilda · 15/08/2017 16:29

Glad that things are moving forward OP. Whenever posters slag off stepparents on this forum they should be signposted to this thread. If it wasn't for you speaking to his father I doubt anything would be happening right now. Well done you.

And I echo a PP, hate it when people call it 'kiddy porn'.

Good luck to you and yours OP.

eyebrowsonfleek · 15/08/2017 19:11

The porn is sadly common. You need to get filters on for the other children. The kids in pants not common.

Does the 13 year old have a smart phone and social media? Does he have friends who come round with tablets/phones? Does he own a games console that goes online? Unfortunately there are so many devices that go online so selling the tablet is too simplistic a result.

Doesn't the 13 year old need access to the Internet for homework?

eyebrowsonfleek · 15/08/2017 19:11

Well done for facing it head on btw.

Original poster

VodkaRB · 15/08/2017 19:40

justmum no he doesn't have a history of abuse but his parent split up when he was young, his mum couldn't cope with her children, then she died, the poor boy has had a shit life.

I am genuinely so so grateful for all the responses here.
One of my gripes with DH was that he seemed to be only thinking of the boy and not the young children in the house. He now knows my feelings and rules have been put in place.

It's a horrible situation all round and not one I'm enjoying - but I desperately want to help my DSS and try to make sure he has a good future.

The poster who asked if had access to social media etc - no he has no phone, iPad, Xbox, anything. But in my opinion, if he wants access he will find it somewhere so I'm not happy about that being a solution.

Everyone's kind words are incredibly appreciated and got me through today which has been one of the hardest ever. I know you are all strangers on the internet but I cannot thank you all enough

OP posts:

LoyaltyAndLobster · 15/08/2017 19:46

OP I hope you get him the help he needs before it escalates.

bakesaleLoser · 22/08/2017 14:35

Without being rude and out of place, can I ask how old the children were in these photos that he was viewing? Because if they were of a similar age I wouldn't be concerned at all. I think it's natural for young boys and girls to be curious about bodies etc, and if he was just looking at images of them in pants this could be the case?

Original poster

VodkaRB · 22/08/2017 15:14

bakesale the children were about 4 or 5

OP posts:

elisa2502 · 22/08/2017 15:19

As a Teacher no this isn't normal!

bakesaleLoser · 22/08/2017 15:47

@VodkaRB ah right, apologies, I take my statement back then. This certainly not normal behaviour for a boy of his age. Hope your situation is resolved soon

Original poster

VodkaRB · 22/08/2017 17:35

bakesale I am even contemplating splitting up from my DH as my first priority is the younger children and they are mine. I have to put them first.
I just don't know if I am emotionally strong enough to deal with all this. But I don't want to 'punish' DH for something that isn't his fault (if you know what I mean?)

OP posts:

LouHotel · 22/08/2017 23:12

@vodkaRB how old are your children? From the age of 3 you can teach kids about body autonomy in a way they understand which my give you some assurance that they would tell you if anything happened.

Equally what is the layout of your house? I would instigate an open bedroom door policy if you choose to stay. Its an awful situation for you and in the end no one would judge you for deciding to remove yourself from the situation.

IAmTheDragon · 23/08/2017 14:27

Do you have to split up? Can you not just get separate homes and keep the kids apart?

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