Not a real parent!??!??

[Callitquits]

Me and DH got together when DSD's were 18 months and 3 years old. They are now 10 and 12. DH ex wife cheated and then went to live in another country to be with him choosing to leave behind DH and DSD's.

After a couple of years DSD choose to call me mummy, they knew I wasn't their Mum and for their ages tried to explain where she was, we also only referred to me using my first name.

I'm really annoyed by how SP's are treated on here and made to feel as thou they are not 'real parents'

Blood doesn't make you a parent, what you do for that child makes you a mummy or daddy.

I have brought those girls up, clothed them, fed them, read to them, comforted them, loved them and quite frankly done everything a 'real' mother would do!

I know not everyone is in the same situation as me being a SP but please can people stop being so judgemental on SP's

Well you're not their real mum. Not by blood or adoption.

But that doesn't mean you aren't a good parent to them.

If the DC think of her as Mum then that's what she is. Who is anyone else to bandy around "real"?

She's the only Mum they have in their lives, she's the one there day in day out bringing them up with their Dad.

Where both biological parents are still in the picture step parents can be an additional parent but aren't usually usually referred to as extra mum or dad, though pf course that does happen. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

My DSC call me by my name and refer to me as their step mum, and definitely see me as a "real parent". It's no threat to their mother or their father, I'm a bonus. There's no limit on the number of adults who can love and support a child and it's not offending anyone to call them extra parents.

OP, would you consider adopting them?

As an adoptee I absolutely hated the use of "real" parents. I have a biological mother who courageously gave birth to me and gave me up for adoption. And I have parents, who raised me, loved me, kicked my arse (metaphorically) when I needed it and cuddle me when I needed it. Biology is fuck all. The first person I'd ever met that I was biologically connected to was DS1. When mum was dying someone suggested searching for my birth mother so I'd still have a mum. I didn't know whether to knock them out or cry.
OP it's not easy being a step mum, but it sounds like you're doing an amazing job. The only people whose opinions matter are your kids. And they are, imo, your kids.

OP - maybe not their biological mum, but you're the only real life mum they've ever really known.

I think there's far too much emphasis on biology.
Too many people put up with awful behaviour from a parent that gets excused 'because it's your mum/dad/sibling'
Because as a society there's so much put on biological family.
I know in a legal sense your not a parent unless you adopt but I don't think that's what kids mean when they say mum or dad. They mean female or male parent or care giver

Well you're not their real mum So what make a "real" mum then? DNA? Or putting them to bed, feeding them, clothing them, loving them, being there?

My parents adopted my sister when she was a baby are they not her real parents? They raised her or doesn't that count for anything?

OP these children think of you as Mum, they call you Mum and it sounds to me that is what you are there Mother!

What gets my goat is that mums get offended at being called a bio mum and you hear on here 'mum is enough', yet it seems perfectly acceptable (even though it is much more hurtful) for the mum to be referred to as the 'real mum' when talking about step parents. It's crass and cruel :(

Thank you to everybody for your lovely comments (well to the majority anyway)

I would love to adopt the girls and me and DH spoke about this years ago but we needed their 'mothers' permission which is easier said than done.

She left DH and DSD's with no way of contacting her, when she was found she said she wanted nothing to do with any of them. She actually went out of her way to move home when we found out her address and sent some pictures of the girls.

My DH traced her through social media and got a contact number for her, when DSD bravely tried to phone her her 'mother' shouted down the phone that she was changing her number! It's truly sickening to be honest how anybody could do this to their own children.

For the last few years the girls have no interest in her whatsoever and see me as their Mum. I've even had friends (although not close friends) say to me at times "well you're not actually their mum"

As far as I am concerned, yes I am

It's not really clear who or what you're ranting at TBH.

"Step-parent"'is a broad category.

Most of the time as a "step" you're in an auxiliary role. You're not auxiliary in your situation, you're a main parent (and perfectly "real" too).

But what generalisation are you asking MNers for?

You don't actually need the mum's permission. A court will decide if being adopted by a step parent is in the best interests of the children. It's a tough, expensive road but it is possible. In your situation I'd be surprised if the court didn't rule in your favour.

DHs mum left him and his sister with their dad when he was 7. Their dad met someone else who had 2 boys of her own, the parents got married and they lived as a family. DH calls her mum and has no interest in finding his birth mother. She is their real mum, just not their biological mum. Whenever someone has said to him 'but don't you want to contact your real mum, he says 'my real mum lives up the road, and no, I don't want to contact my biological mum'.
His experience has made him a wonderful step-father to my children, and by all accounts he is their 'real' dad because their biological father has nothing to do with them.

With all due respect, your situation is not typical of a stepmothers role. It does sound indeed like you are these girls mum and that's lovely. But many step mothers see their partners children every other weekend and that doesn't make them a mum.
My issue with my children's stepmother when they were younger was her insistence at being involved during their time with their dad. It wasn't anything against her as such, but they saw him for less than 6 hours a week and dd particularly struggled with having no time with "just her dad". As it turns out she is probably closer now (late teens) to the step mum than her dad now but sees them less than once a month and she knes her stepmom will always side with her dad so really doesn't trust either of them.

So people tend to judge from their own experiences and that's not personal to you OP. But the reality is that often on resident parents have treated their kids really not well and there can be a lot of hurt and anger.

Fwiw I think you could adopt your girls as their mother has left the UK so as long as you show you have tried contact I'm sure the children can have a court officer or guardian appointed to rule in their best interests. And that best interest definitely sounds like you.

Most of the time as a "step" you're in an auxiliary role.

It's this attitude that's unhelpful to everyone involved in step family situations.

My partner's children don't live with us full time BUT when they are here i do all the things that a mother would do: I've nursed them when they've been sick, I've cooked for them, I've cleaned up after them, I've taught them new skills, I've helped them with the challenges of growing up, I've cuddled them, I've reassured them, I've loved them and made sure they've felt loved by me and my family.
How is all that auxiliary?

I bet if you ask them in 10 years time about my role in their lives they'll see it as a whole lot more than auxiliary and I wouldn't be at all surprised if there wasn't a bit of resentment about how their real mum (and she is their real mum) treated me and viewed my role in their lives.

just like all parents- you'll never please everyone with what you do so just focus on what you think is right and what works for your family

often on resident parents have treated their kids really not well
And if that's not projection what is?

Cause from my side of the fence I see a resident parent putting the children at the centre of a drama that they have no part in and creating a drama out of every single thing BUT I wouldn't say "often resident parents don't put the needs of their children first" (cause the only situation I really know about is my own!).

Okay heidi you're just as much a parent as the legal parents with equal rights and an equal say 🙄

Good luck with that 😏

It's nice to see a SP who does actually see themselves as their Mum, rather than them being an inconvenience in your relationship. Keep up the good work.

Of course I'm not a parent with equal rights - I've never said I was.
I'm responding to the OP who is talking about the bad rap that step parents (step mothers in particular) get this board.
My opinion is that this is often precisely because they are seen as 'auxiliaries' when they are often way more than that in the eyes of the children that they love (and who very often love them back).
Viewing step parents as 'auxiliaries' is simply unhelpful and I suspect that adults who have had decent step parents would agree (it's where I'm coming from anyway).

Well you're not their real mum. Not by blood or adoption.

No but she is their real parent. Because she is doing the real parenting. That makes her their parent.

I can't see anything negative about being an auxiliary anything.

My children have a biological father who does zero parenting. He is not their parent IMO.

I'm really annoyed by how SP's are treated on here and made to feel as thou they are not 'real parents

I don't think thats fair. Why do you lump yourself in with such a wide range of other people simply because you are step parents? You are raising those children as a mother. Why are you placing yourself alongside some of the people on here, the girlfriends of terrible fathers who resent their step children, and the ones who think they should be treated as the childrens mother even though they have a mother they live with?

Step parents get it on here when they deserve it. Some of them are absolutely awful. Why do you think we shouldn't say so?

The reality is this, no you are not their mother, you are not their legal parent. You are in a full parenting role though. If you, and much more importantly they, feel like you are their mother then that is all that matters. But most step parents on here are not, so why would you expect us all to say "yes, of course all step parents are equal parents". They aren't.

There's a huge variety in how involved step parents are - we have a similar situation within my wider family to OP, where the biological mother is only permitted letterbox contact once a year with the children, who are being brought up by their father and stepmother; that stepmother is in every way a parent to the children.

Other step parents come on the scene when children are older, or only see the children occasionally. They might not have a parental role with the children at all, i.e. never be in sole care of them or provide for them. Which makes for a very different relationship - they aren't really a parent at all.

OP, I guess it's frustrating when people assume the second situation when you're very much in the first.

Heidi yes I know that's a projection of my ex husbands treatment of my children. And it's also the experience of many other people here on MN. Just as many of the step mothers here have bad experiences of birth mums. Hence the reason I stated that alongside a comment about people judging from their own experiences.

But I don't understand why so many step mums don't see that they are perhaps doing too much- that the dad should be the one doing the caring when HIS child is sick or poorly. Or cooking or cleaning etc. Some children want to spend one to one time with their non resident parent because they don't see them every day and have that closeness. It's nice when a step parent is welcoming, but nice too when they know how to back off.

I guess some step parents are great and some not so great. Many on here seem to resent their step children.

I have two of my own and two step children. I love them all. I would be lying if I said I feel exactly the same about DHs children as I do about mine though.

They don't need me to be their Mum, they have their own perfectly good Mother. Both of them chose to cone and live with us when they got to 16 and if I was their Mum I would have been devastated but she let them come. The oldest stayed a couple of weeks, the other is still here ten years on.

I think a lot of the problems are caused by the adults and their attitude. The fact that DH and I did not break up our previous marriages helps. I was not the OW, he was not the OM.

I have never really tried to parent his girls, any problems were his responsibility and the same for me and mine.

We are far from perfect, my girls and his don't really get on so they just keep out of each others way.

There is an awful lot of 'this is the way things are, we will just get on and make it work', that goes on in our home.

If I lost my DH I would really hope DSD would stay with me as long as she wanted and as far as I am concerned I am always here for them as much as for my own children.

Not sure this post has added anything to the thread, just my experience.

I think that sounds very sensible and balanced bigolsbird