Not a real parent!??!??

[Callitquits]

Me and DH got together when DSD's were 18 months and 3 years old. They are now 10 and 12. DH ex wife cheated and then went to live in another country to be with him choosing to leave behind DH and DSD's.

After a couple of years DSD choose to call me mummy, they knew I wasn't their Mum and for their ages tried to explain where she was, we also only referred to me using my first name.

I'm really annoyed by how SP's are treated on here and made to feel as thou they are not 'real parents'

Blood doesn't make you a parent, what you do for that child makes you a mummy or daddy.

I have brought those girls up, clothed them, fed them, read to them, comforted them, loved them and quite frankly done everything a 'real' mother would do!

I know not everyone is in the same situation as me being a SP but please can people stop being so judgemental on SP's

My DSD calls me her mum. Her bio mother has rejected her completely for choosing to live with me and her 'sperm donor' who has been in her life constantly from day one.
She's a fucking evil horrible bitch and doesn't deserve to be called a mother

I think your situation is completely different to other SMs simply because you live with them from a young age and they have no contact with their mother. I don't think your situation and other SM who don't live with their SC are comparable. Just like SF seem to have a more hands on active role with their SC as often or not they reside in the child/ren in their primary home.

I feel on a personal level me and my DH parent DS and have done from the age of 2 for dh, rather than his DF who is sees twice a week, he isn't the parent who collects DS from school when he's ill or take time off work to care for him it's all down to me. Do I see his DW as an equal parent to me or my DH? No I don't I see her in that way but I respect her as someone in my DS life who guides him and supports him whilst under DS DF care. Who also have zero dramas.

The problem is, step parents do not all do what you do callitquits, do they? My children have had 4 step mums in 11 years. All vile. The first one used the code words 'dirty slag' to refer to me in front of my children. The latest moved in with my ex without ever having met our children and made her first move to install herself at the school play using one of the two tickets per family the school allows. She has made it very clear that she considers attendance at anything and everything is her 'right' as their 'new mother'.

These women are not 'real' parents by any stretch of anyone's imagination. And I accept that not all step parents behave like the women my ex chooses.

The suggestion it should be OK to refer to mums with the prefix 'bio' is deeply insulting to all mums doing their best in often difficult and unwanted situations. I gave birth to my children, I care for them, provide for them. I haven't had them put into care, nor did I put them up for adoption. I am their mum.

I can assure you Jane that my DHs ex wife is nothing more than a bio mum to DSD she is fucking vile and the way she's treated her own child she should be locked up 😡

You sound like their mother to me. Maybe not their birth mother but that is only a small part of being a mother. The love, time and parenting makes you a mother or a father.

Don't worry what others say you know what you mean to each other.

So because in your situation you consider that the title 'bm' is acceptable, the rest of us shouldn't be offended? How does that work?!

You know full well that 'birth mum' is a title used with adoptions to distinguish between the who gave birth and who actually did the parenting.

I didn't ask for my children to have step parents. It is a situation that unfortunately happened. I have never - and hopefully will never have to - give my children to someone else to bring up. How dare anyone decide I am the same as a 'birth mother'.

OP the step parents who get a hard time are normally quite unpleasant about their step kids. You don't seem to fit that category so not sure why you're so offended

You sound like a mother OP. I think that your circumstances put you in a minority though.

My ex's wife has never looked after the kids on their own never mind cooked them a meal or done their washing. She's known them for 5 years and is on a six figure salary yet hasn't even bought them a £1 chocolate egg at Easter. (The kids have seen her stash of gifts for her nieces/nephews at Xmas so it's not about her attitude to Xmas. The kids don't expect stuff from her but the relationship now is no deeper than when they first met. She wouldn't know basics like their birthdays, they wouldn't know her either.

A lot of comments about stepmothers being an extra adult rather than a parent are as a result of the dad not stepping up. How many stories do you read about stepmothers (rightly) introducing rules like good table manners for school aged children and the dad not enforcing it? The upset is partly because these men pay lip service to family rules etc but when push comes to shove, won't parent and enforce the rules. They want stepmother to be a parent only when it suits them (so childcare while dad works is fine. Telling child off for being mean to sister is not.)

Of course you are their mum. You are their mum because they have chosen you as their mum and they love as much.

I wouldn't consider you a SM.

Callitquits

I agree with your original post, people are so horrible on this forum. It's meant to be support for step-parents but mainly it's just biological parents being nasty just because the hate the thought of someone else being involved with their kids.

There is no respect for step-parents here, no matter how much they do or how much they love the children.

DP has 50/50 custody of DSS (8) so he lives with us one week on/one week off.

I help with childcare & 'parenting type chores', occasionally I take DSS out for some 1:1 time with me. I also give DP parenting advice sometimes! (my dc are grown up).

I don't consider myself to be a parent to DSS. I see myself as an adult in his life with a responsibility to help care for him, and as I love DP & we are a team then I try to help him out in practical ways as well as supporting his role as a father.

It's bloody tough sometimes! I consider myself a 'good' step parent but I'm sure some posters would consider me wicked... I must admit I read some of the threads on here where SM clearly hates the SC and feel a bit

Your situation is different as mum is not in contact with the DC.

You ARE their mother! I'm in same situation only with my sons abusive jail-bird sperm donor long gone, and his stepdad in the REAL father role.
Bio doesn't mean jack to a child, what matters is who is there for them to comfort support and love them unconditionally. That's a mother/father.

As I said to my DD's awesome Stepmum
"You've done the work you've earned the title"
My DD is VERY lucky. So am I