My SD hates me

[Iheartnewyork]

My SD (10) has told an outside source that she hates me. I've always known this probably was the case but it's still upsetting. Since meeting SD always very quiet, won't talk to me, one word answers etc.

Her mum makes access to SD very difficult so can sometimes be weeks until we see her.

I'm the one that plans trips out (have my own DD but she's younger) so always try & do something everyone will enjoy, whenever I've arranged something she rarely joins in.

I've tried everything I can think of (doing her hair/painting nails (just 2 examples) & it's always a no thank you.

She is on the quiet side naturally but speaks to strangers more than me. She is never rude to me, just will not interact AT ALL.

I have really tried, but am now at the point of giving up. I'm just finding it stressful & awkward whilst she is here. Can anyone please give me any tips/success stories that things will get better?

Tbh op if contact is sporadic I think you should be backing right off and letting her just see her dad.

I realise that's probably not what you want to hear.

She doesn't hate 'you' she hates the situation. She hates her parents aren't together. And you're an easy target.

When I first got together with my DP my DSD, same age as yours, said to her man that she didn't like me. It hurt, of course it did, but you have to continue to try and gently build a bridge.
Patience, patience, patience. And lots of kindness and understanding.
We get on brilliantly now, even though we are very different people - My DSD sounds a lot like yours. It's about learning to appreciate the differences between you and cultivating them. My DSD loves that I'm the 'funny one', and I love that she's the 'quiet one'

Ultimately though every situation is different, and whilst that's my success story, it may be different for you.

What does your DP say? It's really tough and I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand the wanting to give up, and that is another option you can explore and shouldn't feel guilty about if she really isn't interested.

She may resent you being there all the time she is seeing her dad if access is not regular?
Can dad not do more to get a better more routine arrangement?

Try and allow them time without you and then time all together during access and it might help heal any rifts.

If access is irregular maybe she feels aggrieved that she has to "share" her dad with you and your DD. It sounds as if she can't be bothered to play happy families in the short time she has with him. I can see her point but I understand how difficult it must be for you, and you seem genuinely keen to make it work. I'd suggest backing off a bit. Let the two of them do things on their own. When she's a bit older she'll probably spend more time at your house by choice irrespective of her mother's wishes, and then it might be easier.

Thank you for replies. I should have mentioned (so sorry ) that we have our own DC (baby) together, so both DH & myself are very keen for them to have a sibling relationship which wouldn't happen if I wasn't around when he sees her. (I BF so baby needs to be with me).

I have suggested taking myself out of the picture to DH but he thinks I need to give her more time, & wants us to be together as a family.

It's so difficult to know what to do for the best.

My husband very much wanted his two children to be with me - and then the daughter we had together - as a family.

I was fortunate in that my two stepchildren adored their little sister. It could be that as your new baby gets older your stepdaughter will find her more interesting.

It sounds difficult that there isn't a regular pattern of visits. In the case of my stepchildren there was a routine and we also lived near their mother. This meant that the normal routine of parties, seeing friends etc could go on despite the other changes in their lives.

My stepchildren also benefited from Anne Fine's book 'Step by Wicked Step' - which they encountered by chance. It was about a group of children and their different stories of encountering step-parents. It showed that nearly all of the time a lot of the initial problems are things that can improve over time.

NB - My stepdaughter did also stated that she hated me. I think she needed to say it. But once she had said it our relationship improved because it also helped her to think about the specific things which she wanted to change.

You can't force a sibling relationship but you can facilitate it. She needs 1:1 with dad. The easiest way to do it is "special time". It's an idea from the book "The Incredible Years". Set a timer for 30 minutes and she gets dad all to herself. She chooses what to do etc. It sounds like her mum isn't keen and is going to sabotage the relationships as much as she can. If your dp has the stomach for it have him get a court order for access. Then at least it should be more regular.

If she is with you fir the weekend let her spend either Saturday or Sunday afternoon with dad and then the evenings all together.
The new baby is probably are big factor which you should have mentioned do even more important for her to have time with just dad.

Thank you. Yes I definitely feel her mum is the driving force behind this as there have been many other incidences to make our life difficult, but I don't dwell on that.

My DH picks & drops her off alone (45 minutes each way) I then also go up for nap time after lunch with my 2 to give them time alone. This is between 1-2 hours. We don't force the sibling relationship, SD always appears to be really happy to see DC.

I do feel between a rock & a hard place with it all. I know my DH would be upset if I removed myself completely as he wants his DC here when his DD is here, which I obviously completely understand. Who knows what the answer is?

Nobody is saying you need to remove yourself.
What is your reluctance to letting them have a few hours for an activity outside of the home?
A car journey is not an activity and I would think you napping upstairs if dad has the baby so not 1-1 time with DD is it? Plus they are in the house.

Your DC get her dad all to themselves everyday. Allow her a few hours of contact time with her dad without everyone involved. You may find that is the answer.

I empathise with you. I have a "polite" relationship with DSD who displays the same signs you're dealing with. Quiet with me but quite bubbly with friends, etc.

There is not a lot more you can do than you have been, just tolerance and understand that she has hormones and young feelings that are hurting. The arrival of the new baby could be making her feel unimportant.

I wouldn't suggest letting her and dad get together leaving you out, this will only make it worse.

There is a more supportive forum for step mothers, childless step mothers, you don't have to be childless but they do offer a lot more support to step mums. Some of it is a little harsh for me but there is some good advice.

There is no reluctance from me which I have mentioned. I am more than happy to give them time together, if anyone's reluctant it's my DH.

oh & just to mention I also take baby upstairs for nap.

Then explain to DH that you want them to have this time and that you can still do family stuff before/after. Explain how DD maybe feeling regarding having to share dad and that he can make things better and it might improve her feelings towards you if he does spend 1-1 time with her.

Hope it all works out OP.

I was 12 when my stepdad moved in with us and I remember absolutely hating him at the time. I felt as though he was taking my mum away from us and she was starting a new life and would forget all about us. Thinking back I'm embarrassed by how much of a little b*h I was to him!! However, he was kind to me, and patient and fast forward 20 odd years now we have a great relationship. I'd say it is fairly normal for your SD to struggle with the situation, especially if he now has a new family with you. Your DH maybe needs to recognise that insecurity and make sure he does the odd thing with her alone, but I wouldn't take it personally as deep down it probably isn't about you.

I think stepdaughters can be put in a difficult position.

Mothers can say - explicitly or otherwise, 'I want you to hate this woman.'

Fathers can say - again explicitly or in an implied way, 'I want you to love this woman.'

Children can't really keep both parents happy in this situation, so may try and withdraw altogether.

The more realistic option is just to find a way of being together some of the time and see whether some kind of relationship can grow out of those times...

I would definitely recommend he have some time with her alone and yous all come together with a dvd.

My daughter (12 daddies girl) stopped seeing her dad coz he got a gf and stopped seeing them etc. I could see she was heart broken.
I asked him to have one on one time with her over time he eventually would text and ask her to go for tea. But she just didn't want to be around his gf at that time.

Months went by her attitude towards me declined I asked for family support help.

After he found out he's having another baby he sterred steping up doing all the things I asked him to months ago (now we know why) however all it took wad one day just one special day for my girl to have her dad back as she remembers him.

Now it's early days but she has stayed over at his to. I'm over the moon so happy that all my girls are happy.

However some parents don't want another woman around their kids my gosh I was a mess at first but she's brilliant with them and they love her.

I hope you manage to sort something out. Does she help with the baby? Even if you ask her and she says no you and dad do nail painting she will see the funny side coz dad has it on. Do funny make up on him etc.

She may also feel that your trying so hard kids are clever. My partners kids would never as me anything now they never ask their dad haha its funny coz my kids are all for him and his for me.

However we all get our own time with our children it's important for them not to feel forced into something.

Also mum may be saying things theres nothing you can do about that. Just be yourself.

I would hate to think what my partners ex says about us but the kids see me for mw and love coming here (when she doesn't stop contact)

How sad for your dsd that her dad is so reluctant to spend time with her. Car journeys and while you and the baby are napping is not quality time.

She is blaming the easiest person, which sadly is you.

He needs to make an effort to spend time with her on her own, even just walking in the woods while the weather is nice.

Is he taking steps to get proper access restored.

@lunar1 that is very passive aggressive.

It's not meant to be, but I didn't want to say he was pathetic. The op is encouraging him to do the right thing, he is ignoring her and letting her take the flack for his bloody lazy parenting.

Time after time step mums end up with the short end of the stick because a dad won't step up and parent.

I don't mean in any way to have a go at the op, I should have just called the dad a feckless waste of space!!

Don't let him put you in the role of bad guy.

I don't believe that car journeys & me taking the baby to nap is quality time with them I said it to avoid any confusion 'that I am reluctant to give them time together' which is definitely not the case. Didn't want to give the impression that I cling to them like a limpet

He is a good dad. He is trying to do the right thing (encouraging a sibling relationship to our DC-which SD seems to enjoy ) but is inadvertently doing the wrong thing.

Thank you to the useful suggestions, I will talk to him about taking a few hours out to do something with him & his DD.

Saying at 10 yo that you hate someone is a very strong emotional response, especially when it would seem you are not being horrible to her.

What I find very odd is that her father wouldn't try to understand the reason for her extreme feelings. This would lead me to think that either he has questioned her, and he has agreed with her so hasn't told you. Or hasn't told you so not to hurt of feelings, or he has chosen to live in pretend land and hasn't mentioned at all with her, and her issue is really not having quality time (rather than quantity) with her dad and she is blaming you for that (especially if his attitude towards her has changed since you've come into the picture).

If I were in your shoes, I would encourage your DP to get her to engage and explain her feelings so that they could work together on ways that could make it better. It's not nice to be hated, but it is not nice to feel hatred either.

OP - am speaking here as both a mum & a step mum. My dcs have half siblings. My dcs get on very well with their sm despite the way their dad & sm have handled lots of things inc. their dad 'using' his dp as childcare - something I pulled both of them up on until it got better.
The main reason they get on with her is that I allowed the relationship to thrive & by that I mean I ask about her & their dad, I ask about their half siblings (using that term to distinguish relationships - before anyone starts 'yelling' at me) & I ask about their weekends at their dads & I respond positively to everything - even down to eating cookies baked by sm (who was the other woman - nearly stuck in my throat lol).
As a result my kids are never on edge at their dads & never feel disloyal to me for enjoying themselves over there; loving their half siblings/sm/dad.
You'd be amazed at how many kids struggle with feelings of disloyalty & if those feelings are being enforced at one home then kids tend to clam up & feel they can't relax & enjoy themselves in their other home.
I'd nearly guarantee your sds doesn't hate you at all but that she's not being allowed to like you.
Flip side - my Dps ex HATES me (I'm not an OW & she's never even met me only seen me) but she bad mouths me to his kids non stop with the result that his youngest is very tense around me. The older two (14 & 17) are much better now but have told Dp they've given up mentioning me as if they do she starts on a rant & they can't bear it! They often just say they only saw their dad at the weekend & never mention if they come to mine as it's not worth the hassle.
Sorry for long post - just wanted to give that angle on things.
My advice would be to just keep being yourself & dsd will eventually thaw out & will start formulating her own take on things as she gets older

Oh yes & as last poster said - get Dp to gently engage and see if he can tease things out. My Dps kids spent months thinking their dad & I were having an affair & that's why their parents split up because that's what their mum had told them!
Dp & I met after we had both divorced & he & ex divorced amicably & all was fine until he started dating. Think she realised then what she had go & didn't like it.

Yes I have a SD who probably doesn't like me, and it does hurt. So I have sympathy. We are adults but that doesn't mean we are made of stone. You sound fair and don't sound like you've been mean or horrible in any way. So it's a bit crap that you've been made a scapegoat in that way. Imagine a parent coming on here and saying the same thing, they'd get sympathy. The last thing they'd get is - well - you are a Mum/Dad so are bound to be hated so just get over it! It's not so different for us SMs!