My SD hates me

[Iheartnewyork]

My SD (10) has told an outside source that she hates me. I've always known this probably was the case but it's still upsetting. Since meeting SD always very quiet, won't talk to me, one word answers etc.

Her mum makes access to SD very difficult so can sometimes be weeks until we see her.

I'm the one that plans trips out (have my own DD but she's younger) so always try & do something everyone will enjoy, whenever I've arranged something she rarely joins in.

I've tried everything I can think of (doing her hair/painting nails (just 2 examples) & it's always a no thank you.

She is on the quiet side naturally but speaks to strangers more than me. She is never rude to me, just will not interact AT ALL.

I have really tried, but am now at the point of giving up. I'm just finding it stressful & awkward whilst she is here. Can anyone please give me any tips/success stories that things will get better?

P.s. It is worth trying different approaches - before you give up. Try taking her out yourself, one to one, to things that are activities and you don't have to talk to each other, but do have to work together - anything that she might go for - even ten pin bowling, archery, kayaking, anything!

Ask her out directly, is there anything that I can do to make things better? Is there anything that annoys you about me? I won't be cross, I just want to understand a little better. I know it's hard having parents who are separated, and hard to see another child in your Dad's life.

Try it, she might say something that surprises you.

Or, if my case, she just resented my very presence and would not budge despite many kind and sensitive approaches from me over many years. Well then, expect some cordiality! Demand that she doesn't sulk when around and tell her outright that you are a human being and not to be so rude.

Demand that she doesn't sulk when around and tell her outright that you are a human being and not to be so rude.
Sorry Banana but with this kind of comment, it's no surprise your SD wouldn't like you. It's very patronizing and one sided. It undermines her feelings as being irrelevant whilst considering yours fully legitimate.

I personally hate the word 'sulking'. I see it as a get out clause, ie. if you raise any negative feelings, it is not worth listening to because they are worthless.

I remember my ex telling me one day to 'stop sulking' in front of my parents because I was frustrated about something he was doing. It was the day I stopped loving him.

You and new baby need to back off.

If she's only seeing dad every few weeks then having you and a new baby forced on her will only build resentment.

Step back and reintroduce yourself gradually.

Great post swing
Never thought of it like that. I've never used the word with any of my step kids but I will be more concious of it now

Oh sorry OP. Sorry everyone didn't mean to be 'assertive' in any way. I'm a SM and OP you are a SM - please don't use any word like 'sulk' it will traumatize the girl for life and basically is pretty evil.

So to summarize all the other helpful advice:

BACK OFF
NEVER SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE even if you are being totally ignored.
NEVER TELL A TEENAGER to STOP SULKING. Which I'm sure every parent has never done, ever.
STOP BEING SO SELFISH

Jesus OP or you will become like me and NO WONDER YOUR SDs DON"T LIKE YOU. And don't ever tell them not to be rude. Not ever. Just take it as - you know - she's only there every once in a while so can be as rude as she likes. A really brilliant way to bring up a child.

Well done posters yet again with your fantastic advice!

Banana, OP asked for tips and success stories. She said her SD was never rude to her, so why advising her to be confrontational when clearly, the kid is already conflicted with her feelings.

I have two teenagers and no, I've never told them to stop sulking for the reasons I stated above. I have discovered that when my children's behaviour deteriorate, there is usually a very good reason. The last time my DS turned particular unpleasant, I discovered that he feared he was suffering from an illness that his father suffers from and was petrified. It took him a month to talk about it, and that's because I decided to get him to open up instead of telling him to stop being a pain in the bum and to stop sulking.

Clearly something is bothering this child and it sounds that she has chosen to keep it for herself. Many thoughtful kids do that and they keep all the stress for themselves, which isn't right. This is why I suggested that OP's OH tried to get her to open up.

Actually I suggested many things. Many of them positive, sensitive and practical.

Yet again because I dared as a SM to ever suggest that challenging being ignored by a step child might be an option - that meant that swing in your years of wisdom and experience as a SM (not) that you would suggest that this was obviously why any step child would be dislike me and again - as SM this would always be MY fault - and if the OP every tried it - HER fault.

OP - I hope for your sake it is something solvable with sensitivity. Because if this child is going to ignore you for months or years god help you - you won't get anything but vilification and blame on this board on MN!!

@bananasinpyjamas11

Thank you for your posts. It's very useful to hear from someone who has been there & understands.

Your suggestion about in an interactive activity sounds great, don't know why I didn't think of that!

I want to find a way to make it work for everybody & being told to just 'back off' is neither helpful or constructive.

I think a mixture of involving everyone in an interactive activity & DH & SD doing things together is the way to go.

Good luck OP. It's worth trying.

Yet again because I dared as a SM to ever suggest that challenging being ignored by a step child might be an option - that meant that swing in your years of wisdom and experience as a SM (not) that you would suggest that this was obviously why any step child would be dislike me and again - as SM this would always be MY fault - and if the OP every tried it - HER fault.

It is very difficult to know how to respond because everything I write you seem to take with such defensiveness and turn it personal. How did we go from me saying that I thought telling a kid to stop sulking to be patronising and one sided to saying that every issue you had with your SD was your fault?

I haven't written anywhere on this post that suggested that I thought it was OP's fault if her SD claimed to hate her. What I suggested was to try to understand her reasons (which could be totally unfunded) to come up with solutions (well that is her OH rather than OP). I strongly believe that issues are rarely about anyone's FAULT, but about misunderstanding each other's motives/intentions/feelings and that talking and expressing oneself is the way to seek resolution.

No need for snarky comments. I might not be a SM, but I was a SD to a SM who really struggled to see things from my perspective, hence indeed, me really really hating her, but as said many times before, time to reflect and forgive means that we are now close. So yes, I do think I have views worth sharing.

That's all it is though, my own views and opinions, could be totally wrong, could be useless and posters are free to ignore. I don't get offended if they do, I just hope that sometimes, I can help with giving a different perspective to a situation.

Sorry Banana but with this kind of comment, it's no surprise your SD wouldn't like you. That really.

I would have made the same comment to a mum saying this to her own kids though. As explained, that's how I took it when this was said to me, and I am pretty sure that if I said that to my kids, they wouldn't like me much either.

Again, it might be me, but I find this comment very oppressive and controlling. I suspect it wasn't said from you with this in mind, but sometimes, things are perceived in a way that wasn't meant to be. This is why I said what I did, it was from the perspective of how your SD might have perceived it rather than what you might have meant what those words.

I'd back off for a while if I were you. Let her DF take her out for one on one time, and maybe join them for a meal at some point!

Why must people be so harsh on here?? OP has done nothing wrong.

Telling her to 'back off' is not much use at all. She already gives her DH and his daughter time to themselves and since she has 2 other children as well I'm sure she's occupied and busy much of the time anyway. Short of moving out of her home whenever SD comes over there's not much more she can do.

OP I second a PP's suggestion about doing something with SD, maybe with the other 2 children too, but without DH, even just for an hour or so (even if it's him that finds a reason to go out so you can watch a film together or something). Maybe if you can have some fun with SD as 'one of the girls' you could strike up a bond that way :)

I'm not at all saying SD shouldn't have any one-to-one time with her dad - of course she should - but it sounds like she needs help to adjust to her situation, which does include you, your daughter and her new sibling...there's no getting away from that. If DH consistently takes her out or away from you all so she doesn't have to deal with it, it's not going to help her adjust.

You sound like a very kind and understanding SM, you will find a way through :)