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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Do you financially contribute to your SC?

26 replies

Littlepiggybrown · 09/08/2017 17:27

At present we put both our salaries in to a pot, take money out for house, bills and SC maintenance and then split 50/50 so we have the same amount of spends.

Child benefit for my DC goes in to the household pot too, but the token maintenance I receive from my ex (as we have 50/50 so technically I'm not entitled to any) goes in to my own account to pay for clothes/shoes/school stuff etc.

I'm just curious if this is the norm? A part of me is kind of begrudging loosing out on money for myself each month because I am paying out for children/an ex wife that aren't mine (I don't obviously mind paying household stuff).

i get that we are a family, but at the same time feel
A bit annoyed that I have so much more less disposable income as a result.

OP posts:

alltouchedout · 09/08/2017 17:31

Valderal · 09/08/2017 17:33

Yes I do contribute financially.
They are part of my family too.

heidiwine · 09/08/2017 17:40

No, I don't. My partner earns significantly more than me though. Of course I contribute to our household expenses but the children are not my financial responsibility. They have two parents to support them. Of course if DP lost his job and money was tight I would help bridge any gap. That said, we don't have joint money we have a joint account for shared expenses which we contribute to proportionately based on what we take home (after maintenance has been paid).

Original poster

Littlepiggybrown · 09/08/2017 17:42

Sorry I must come across badly. They are my family and I love our family. I suppose i didn't realise what a financial commitment having a blended family would be.

OP posts:

Bloosh · 09/08/2017 17:47

What doesn't seem fair is that he pays for his kids out of the general pot but you pay for yours out of spends. I'd keep the CM and take out the same amount as he does for one of his kids and add it to whatever you get from your ex.

DressedCrab · 09/08/2017 17:52

He should pay, you contribute when they are in your home.

Bibidy · 09/08/2017 17:54

I'd have your maintenance paid into the joint and spend on your children from that account.

As PP said, it's not really fair that your money contributes to your SCs but you still pay out of your own account for your own kids, so your OH isn't contributing there.

I think your OH is very lucky that you're willing to include his CS as part of the household expenses and split what's left 50/50 with him, many wouldn't do that.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2017 17:59

Do they live with you? I am assuming not.

If not then I would think you're being unfairly treated, however the big issue is he is putting his whole salary in the joint account. The other way to do it would be for him to put in his salary without maintenance but your bills would still be the same and you'd still have the same amount left.

If you put in the same amount as him where his salary was without maintenance, would it cover all your bills?

And who earns the most? And by how much?

HollyBuckets · 09/08/2017 18:02

I'd keep the CM and take out the same amount as he does for one of his kids and add it to whatever you get from your ex.

This.

sweetbitter · 09/08/2017 19:49

We don't pool our incomes at all, so no. We just halve joint bills and then keep our own leftover money for individual stuff. Maintenance would be part of DP's individual stuff.

I contribute in so far as I'd never quibble about paying half (rather than a third) of groceries, utilities etc when DSS is with us. And I guess we sometimes go halves rather than 2/3 1/3 on days out/restaurants etc . But it's pretty neglegable really.

In your case, is the total of the maintenance/child benefit you receive and keep individually for your kids a lot less than half of the maintenance cost being paid out for the DISC?

talonofthehawk · 09/08/2017 21:07

I wouldn't pay for kids that aren't mine.

Mum2oneds · 10/08/2017 00:34

So my dp pays for everything household related, bills rent etc. Literally it all. His car, his direct debit and maintenance.. Because he earns much more...
I pay the food shop and that's its out of my wage.
DS child benefit goes in an account for him.. The maintenance I receive from ex goes partly into savings so it's not wasted for DS Xmas and birthday stuff or general treats ., some into DS bank account and rest into the account with his child benefit for activities, clothes etc.
With what's left of my wages goes on my fuel and bits for the family.. However when I buy DS stuff I always buy SC stuff. SC has a wardrobe here and tonnes of toys which I generally buy as would never treat the two kids different. If it's something expensive or more than I have I use dps card to pay.
I very rarely buy anything for myself. Simply because I like to treat the others. I'm a buy when I need it, or haircut and color when I'm desperate, rather than a general want lol.. Do hates I don't treat myself tho.
But yes I do pay towards SC not in maintenance but in clothes, toys, treats, days out etc.

Mumof56 · 10/08/2017 00:43

No. He should pay for his own child. Then you both put the same amount in to the house kitty for your joint family expenses.Anything extra you keep yourselves.

swingofthings · 10/08/2017 06:51

My OH and I operate the same way, so he is indirectly contributing towards my children, even though I buy everything for them. He could claim it's unfair, but then he also chose to provide his mum with a big chunk of cash each month to help her. As it goes, my kids will have left the house long before he will stop helping her, so it will become a case of me contributing towards his mum, even though I personally think she gets plenty with her pensions already and this cash is just luxury money.

Do I resent it? Of course not. I married him knowing I was marrying everything about him and that includes his family and he did the same.

wheresthel1ght · 10/08/2017 09:14

Maintenance for my dscs is not my responsibility so no I do not and have no intention of contributing towards it.

I do however contribute towards the roof over their heads here, I buy all birthday and Christmas presents and pay for trips etc when their dad is at work and they are in my care.

Magda72 · 10/08/2017 12:01

No. I wouldn't dream of it.
Dp has his own bank acc with two direct debits: one to exw for his kids & one to an account in my name into which my wages get paid.

I in turn have a direct debit from this account into a separate bank account where I pay my kids maintenance from my salary if that makes any sense. My ex also pays his maintenance into this account & I use it for all stuff to do with the kids - school, hobbies, clothes, haircuts, pocket money etc.
What's left in my wages bank account along with my Dps contribution pays general household bills (Dp here a lot), food & nights out for Dp & I.
I have nothing to do with his kids finances nor he mine. Maybe this is wrong but it works for us as both my ex & I contribute to the maintenance of our children but Dps exw refuses to work & so he literally pays for EVERYTHING. I personally wouldn't be able to stomach getting financially involved in that as I wouldn't feel it fair nor would I be able to hold my tongue lol. It's much easier this way.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 10/08/2017 12:11

Agreed with Pp, I certainly wouldn't be paying for someone else's children.

WhichJob · 10/08/2017 12:20

Kind of. The biggest expense we had was having to rent a house bigger than we needed as a couple to accommodate my DSD and I paid half of that. DH did put more money than me into our joint account, but he earnt more, but all of the food shopping etc came out of the joint pot. He didn't pay maintenance at first because his ex was the high earner and their divorce settlement left her a higher chunk of equity and we had DSD half the time. When she was a teen and stopped coming quite as muc, DH paid then. I do feel that I am financially less well off as a result - expensive holidays taken in school holidays for example - but that is part and parcel of life with stepchildren. My DSD and I have a lovely relationship now, we go out for lunch together just us etc and a lot of the costs are in the past now she is an adult. DH isn't a planner though, so I'm not sure if we will be able to contribute to house deposits/wedding in future as we live month to month ourselves.

Magda72 · 10/08/2017 12:27

Whichjob as I see it you've done your bit
You should not now be expected to contribute to sc's or dc's adult expenses such as deposits/weddings. Time to focus on yourselves.

Janeismymiddlename · 10/08/2017 12:31

You should not now be expected to contribute to sc's or dc's adult expenses such as deposits/weddings. Time to focus on yourselves

And yet so many parents do contribute to these costs and are very happy to do so. What if her partner feels a contribution is appropriate?

WhichJob · 10/08/2017 12:34

Magda, thank you. I agree! We now have our own DC and the childcare costs are extortionate as everyone knows so we don't have any savings at all. The divorce wiped DH out and it was many years before we could get onto the property ladder ourselves, so getting involved with a divorcee and a father has not been my most financially astute move!

DSD manages to keep her frustration with the small financial support we offered for uni (£100 pm) to a limit, although I did have to walk away from a row when she asked for more from us (we both work FT) but did not wish to get a job at uni or in the holidays! She had two holidays abroad last year and we have never taken our DC abroad because we can't afford it!

I did explain to DH that she has more disposable income than us and she needed to learn to manage her own finances (she gets money from her DMum and grandparents each month too). There is always guilt involved with divorced parents too, I worked through uni so I will expect my own DC to!

WhichJob · 10/08/2017 12:38

Jane, we literally don't have the money to contribute. I may suggest to DH that when she leaves uni we save the £100 pm up for a contribution to a wedding/house if and when appropriate but we may also like to have a family holiday

KentMum2008 · 10/08/2017 13:11

Which if your SDC is at uni then she is an adult and as such is entitled to nothing from you! Of course, that's not to say that you shouldn't help her if you can afford it, but if you're struggling then you shouldn't feel that you have to sacrifice things that your young family need/want in order to pay for an adult child who is more than capable of working (and also has other sources of income)

That's a totally separate issue to the original question about paying for SDC. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, DH has none. However, everything he and I both earn goes into a joint account and everything is paid out from that. My DC live with us full time, their father pays no maintenance so DH more or less supports us financially, apart from my part time wages (he earns approx 3 times what I earn) He knew what he was getting into when we first met, and has never once complained about paying for children that aren't his. I'd be horrified if he did (and wouldn't have married him) I'd go as far as to say he pays for more for them than I do, and doesn't resent it. If he had children of his own, I'd expect their maintence to be paid out of the joint account too.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 10/08/2017 14:54

I used to, but a lot of bad blood now so I will not be contributing any more of my money to somebody else's children in that capacity. Why would I when I have my own? It's not an unlimited pot. They have two parents to spend on them and I'm the only one that buys stuff for our children, so I certainly won't be adding to them being spoilt at the expense of my own children and myself anymore given the way we are treated.
DPs parents also spoil his DC and pay for extra curricular activities etc. and have yet to acknowledge ours exist (seriously...we didn't even get a card )

RatsInTheWalls · 10/08/2017 15:05

Yes I pay out a fair bit for my dss who lives with us. I earn 2x what dh does though he contributes as much as he can so I don't feel it's unfair.

I made the choice to take on dss and raise him as my own so I don't begrudge it at all

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