DP's DDs keep insulting personally insulting me

[Gogglerox]

I'm 2 years in and not living with my partner- I have 2 children myself and he has 2 girls... do you think I should cut my losses before it gets too serious?
I'm finding it very hard with SD12 and SD8.
Generally they love me... but I feel it's when it suits them or they feel they can get something from me. They are very keen always to come over to my house (particularly the youngest as my DD is 7 and they play quite nicely). They want to come even when dad isn't around, I work term time only and they always ask to come to my house in the school holidays when mum is at work (only 3 days a week)
What's upsetting me is that when they are in a mood they insult me on a personal level - particularly about my looks/figure but only when dad is around and I find it so hurtful.
Their mum is older than me but very slim and if I'm honest dresses (and acts) like a teenager. She's a lovely looking woman and very nice but we couldn't be more different.
She's got short jet black hair, a size 6 and a very straight up and down figure and very pretty but the total opposite to me.
I am (not boasting) a very pretty younger woman, long blonde hair, and curves (very big boobs but slim) but I have some stretchmarks on my tummy and obviously a different shape to mum.
When the girls are cross about anything they turn on my looks - I get told blonde women look cheap and unnatural, I have had comments about my big boobs and hips... older child even saw me getting changed and said "Urgh, your stretch marks are disgusting, my m doesn't have those".
It's so hurtful I don't know what to do? I brush it off and say "oh well I've had 2 babies, sometimes our bodies change when we have babies" but I feel my partner doesn't pull them up on it?

Today I've been sat in tears because SD8 saw me on FaceTime to DP (after SD12 asked to talk to me) and she said I looked ugly and asked if my 7yr old had done my make-up. I look very nice, I've been out for a nice dinner with my mum and kids and I know I look lovely but it hurts to be so insulted.
I don't know how to tackle it... the kids both love me and will open say they can't wait until we all live together but I don't understand why why they then start being so horrible to me about these things?
What would you do?

A 12 year old tells you that blonde hair looks cheap and unnatural? Sounds like she's heard this from another adult. What does her father say ? I must admit I wouldn't want to continue with this , no way would I tolerate being insulted by a child.

Their df needs to be teaching them some manners before you even think about living together. . It won't get any better if he isn't prepared to have them tow the line. .

Their parents split up 8 years ago so I'm by no means the OW.
I was hurt because it comes out of nowhere? Literally they could be baking cakes with me and having a nice time then just turn and say something nasty to me? It catches me off-guard most of the time so I don't know what to say as I'm in shock!
DP makes them apologise but also excuses it saying they're tired or this or that. But it's so sudden and vicious I can't help but feel hurt by it.
I know they're kids but the SD12 is in secondary school and becoming conscious of her own body developments so it's not like she isn't aware that what she's saying is mean.
I don't know what to do about it?

Calm and cool.
Explain to them these words are hurtful and cruel. They are children and you are an adult but these are bullying words. Ask why they would choose to try to upset you. Ask them what they would do if a 'friend' said hurtful bullying words to them.

Tell them if they used these words to people at school they would be bullies and people would not want to know them, play with them or be their friend.

Ask them how they would feel the if you said similar to them. This is not about manners this is about deliberately trying to hurt people. Why would they choose to do this?

Honesty and openly I would tell them words hurt and your words have hurt me and made me cry.

Tell them. Tell your DP that you are going to talk to them re the comments and then do it.

It seems that they just think you're a soft touch from what you've written. It's terribly rude of them to make such personal comments and you have the right to say something.

We have a rule in our house

Nothing excuses rude behavior - not being tired or being ill or being stressed from school work - nothing

Even if you are tired you are expected to be civil - that's what it's like in the big wide world, at work, in clubs, etc

Your partner needs to address this

Mousse I'm not sure how effective pointing out that it's bullying will be with SD12 as she can act similarly with other children so I don't think she's bothered.
Last year we went camping with DPs friends and their families, and on several occasions the wives/mothers came to speak to me about SDs behaviour saying she'd upset another child... in the end I said just speak to her dad because it's nothing to do with me.
I really love his girls and I genuinely believe they love (or at the very least really like) me too.
Their words can just be so hurtful.
Thankfully I'm a very confident woman, comfortable with myself and my appearance but it still is unkind

They are probably repeating things they have heard from their Mum.

I recall, in my now fairly distant past when my dad said "only gay men drink Bailey's" as a direct response to me saying my mum's new partner liked it. I, age 10, blithely repeated to my mum's new partner, because I didn't really understand that bad feeling behind that response.

18 years on and that "new partner" of my mum's is my step dad, who I feel lucky to have, and my daughter's much loved grandpa (he is her most favourite person).

My step dad did put up with some shit from me during my teenage years mind.

Children are thoughtless and say things without really comprehending what the impact will be. I guess it's down to how supported you feel by your partner when these outbursts happen.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. What a cheeky little madam she is.

What does your partner say about this? I would tell her in no uncertain terms that her comments are not welcome in my house and if she continues she wouldn't be coming back.

She's 12 FFS, she knows what she's doing.

You do not have to put up with this. You really need to start thinking of a consequence for this behaviour.

I would hit the roof of this was happening to me in my home in front of my children.

Their dad needs to pull them up and teach them respect. NOW! The 12 year old is in the cusp of being a teen, then whoa, nelly!

Sounds like their mum might be saying some things so they think it's ok to repeat them. But it's just not on. Again - their dad needs to take control and speak to their mum too. She should be horrified (I know I would be).

Immediate consequences.
Loss of pocket money/ screen time, every single time they do it.

BadlyParked I agree but I'm not in a position to enforce those things, we don't even live together yet.
It's really getting me down, I feel I'm giving a lot of love, time and effort and for what? To be put down and treated badly?
I really care for those girls but I'm also worried about the affect their words and behaviour may start having on my DD7

Fekko as far as I'm aware mum likes me? She has a new partner and seems very loved up. We get along fine and exchange chit chat when she sees me. Maybe she is saying things but I can't imagine why?
She had an affair and left my DP so it's not like she's even bitter about the break-up

I would refuse to have them round until their father sorted the behaviour, sounds like she's not being dealt with if she's bullying other kids too. I hate bullies .

She could still have snotty opinions though.

If she's vain or very image conscious she may just be making catty comments about people on tv, mums at school, etc 'look at her hair! Oh she is fat. Blonde hair looks so cheap. What does she think he looks like?'

It's bang out of order and there's no excuse for it at all. Have you spoken to your partner about it calmly when they're not with you and said how rude, hurtful and unacceptable it is and that he has to tackle her/their behaviour each and every time? It's clearly deliberate and while an apology is something it doesn't take away the hurt and clearly won't be sincere.

If he makes excuses ask him if he'd put up with someone else speaking to you that way. How would he feel if you made personal hurtful insulting remarks to his children? Yes you're the adult and it would be unforgivable but at 12 she's well old enough to know better and if he refuses to come down hard on it you won't be available for fun times like cake baking and shopping. Why the hell would you?

Their mum sounds alright and it doesn't seem likely she's behind it so it's hard to see what the cause is. It's very odd it happens more when DP is there. But it's good because he can see it for himself and she's not pretending to him it didn't happen.

You can absolutely deal with it yourself. "That's incredibly rude, why would you possibly be so unkind to me when we're having a nice time together?" But it's a very big issue if you're in a relationship with someone who's got no problem got someone insulting you like this. She shouldn't be doing it to anyone and you don't have to put up with it.

I'd just ignore them or say "smashing" "nice one".

Pretend you don't give a shit when they say anything negative.

Run. If you're this upset by these comments and their Dad is showing no signs of sorting it and is making excuses...run. Seriously. Blended families are hard. If they have learned that it's acceptable to use their words to hurt people on purpose and frequently do so they will turn on your kids and then it will get 50 shades of ugly.

joannegrady that's what I'm currently doing, or I'll turn it into a positive... e.g. The stretchmarks insult was witnessed by DD7 and I asked her what she thought of them and she said to the girls "Well your mummy is lucky but my mummy's tummy is beautiful and she grew me in there!" And she high-fived me.

I am very worried about all this talk of looks in front of my girl though, I'm always careful what I say in front of my daughter about my weight and looks etc because I want her to grow up with good self-esteem and kids copy what you show them.

Fekko yeah maybe that's the case? Mum is very attractive and comes across confident but you never know what demons she might have with herself in private.
Even so, I'm not sure why they're directing it at me?
They can be very possessive of DP, maybe they don't like him being attracted to me?

Maybe they're testing it to see if he loves you enough to stick up for you when they're being dicks. In which case it's even more important he teaches them some manners and shows he loves you all and won't stand for any bitching. I hope he wouldn't put up with them being that unkind or insulting to each other.

He doesn't pretend it's ok he makes them apologise but then afterwards I will say in private how upset it made me hoping he'll tackle it further but he'll make the excuses of them being tired, or not had much attention off mum this week etc...
I feel like my feelings are never a priority and he's too worried about upsetting them and not enough concerned with how they can upset others.
I'm close to calling it a day to be honest.

It sounds shit and it's perfectly possible to be a good dad and a decent partner. I'm sorry he's not being better, you deserve someone who thinks you're awesome, tells you so and sticks up for you.

I'm sure when you tell him where you're at, I'm sure he'll be shocked and saddened and not know why. But don't doubt yourself, it's going to get worse if you ever move in together and it's indicative of his feelings

I might be wrong and when he realises you're serious he might change how he deals with things. But you've already spoken to him and he thinks making excuses is okay. It's not.

Thank you Anne xxxx