DP's DDs keep insulting personally insulting me

[Gogglerox]

I'm 2 years in and not living with my partner- I have 2 children myself and he has 2 girls... do you think I should cut my losses before it gets too serious?
I'm finding it very hard with SD12 and SD8.
Generally they love me... but I feel it's when it suits them or they feel they can get something from me. They are very keen always to come over to my house (particularly the youngest as my DD is 7 and they play quite nicely). They want to come even when dad isn't around, I work term time only and they always ask to come to my house in the school holidays when mum is at work (only 3 days a week)
What's upsetting me is that when they are in a mood they insult me on a personal level - particularly about my looks/figure but only when dad is around and I find it so hurtful.
Their mum is older than me but very slim and if I'm honest dresses (and acts) like a teenager. She's a lovely looking woman and very nice but we couldn't be more different.
She's got short jet black hair, a size 6 and a very straight up and down figure and very pretty but the total opposite to me.
I am (not boasting) a very pretty younger woman, long blonde hair, and curves (very big boobs but slim) but I have some stretchmarks on my tummy and obviously a different shape to mum.
When the girls are cross about anything they turn on my looks - I get told blonde women look cheap and unnatural, I have had comments about my big boobs and hips... older child even saw me getting changed and said "Urgh, your stretch marks are disgusting, my m doesn't have those".
It's so hurtful I don't know what to do? I brush it off and say "oh well I've had 2 babies, sometimes our bodies change when we have babies" but I feel my partner doesn't pull them up on it?

Today I've been sat in tears because SD8 saw me on FaceTime to DP (after SD12 asked to talk to me) and she said I looked ugly and asked if my 7yr old had done my make-up. I look very nice, I've been out for a nice dinner with my mum and kids and I know I look lovely but it hurts to be so insulted.
I don't know how to tackle it... the kids both love me and will open say they can't wait until we all live together but I don't understand why why they then start being so horrible to me about these things?
What would you do?

If your partner isn't coming down hard on this then I think you're screwed.

A 12 year old would be aware of the (incorrect) stereotype of blonde/big boobs = Barbie. My dd over the years had heard the dumb blonde saying but has to when people who score lower than her in tests say nonsense like this. I'm not saying that you need to suck it up by the way. Perfectly acceptable for you to correct them and perfectly reasonable to expect your partner to tell them this sort of language is unacceptable and totally mean. If they blurt it out without thinking they need to apologize unprompted and immediately. If they are feeling guilty about having fun with you rather than mum then they need a time out from the fun rather than tear you down,

Defiantly sounds like stuff they're hearing elsewhere. That being said it's not on.
I've just had to correct my 11 year old dd for saying something crass about her sm's relatives. She apologised but said her sm said it about them!
I've had this before. Sm is very image conscious & my dd was passing a lot of comments on people's appearance in general. I explained to her that everyone is different; there's no better or worse; that we're lovely in our own way & that people's looks are neither the most interesting or important things about them. She got the message. My 15 year old ds told me afterwards that it was coming from sm who endlessly passes comment on people inc. celebrities etc.
If I were you next time it happens I'd say similar; that it's not acceptable to pass comment on people's appearance & if they've nothing nice to say then they should say nothing. Stand up for yourself.
That being said you're Dp should be tackling it in a more firm manner; they shouldn't be talking to anyone like that, let alone you!

Thank you so much for your lovely reply Anne xx

They want to come even when dad isn't around, I work term time only and they always ask to come to my house in the school holidays when mum is at work (only 3 days a week)

Why haven'y you had stern words with SD and told her she is behaving like a bully?
She's been been fed a load of rubbish about women's bodies and nobody stands up to her or gives her consequences......so of course she will continue.

Stop allowing her to come round when her dad isn't there.
She has to feel the consequences of her bad behaviour.

How are things going Goggle? Hope you're alright.

We're on holiday at the moment so I've not seen them and have managed to avoid talking to them on FaceTime. I will be having a talk with my DP when I get back though

Could your DPs ex have a word with her daughters?
I'm sure any mother would not want their DC being rude to anyone.
You are also massively helping by providing childcare so she can work three days a week - very generous.
You could suggest it will stop if they don't nip this bad behaviour in the bud.

I'd be mortified if my children were talking to anyone like this and would want to know so I could stamp on it. I think you should talk to the Mum despite some posters insistence that it's coming from their mother , when she has never given you any reason to think it is. To be fair though, your crack that she looks, dresses and acts like a teenager isn't particularly pleasant either.

I think you and your DH need to sit them down and talk about how bad body shaming is. How would they feel if someone body shamed their figure? How would they feel if someone body shamed their best friend? How would their friend feel?

Next time don't engage with a discussion about your looks. Simply state 'body shaming someone is extremely unkind. Are you a kind or an unkind person?'

Definitely sounds like the girls are used to hearing criticisms like that from an adult, who doesn't realise they are passing it on.

I had a friend at primary school who would be very critical of me, then I realised it sounded EXACTLY like something her mum would have said to her in private.

And it took me until I was 18 to realise that my grandmother is a very bad gossip and stirrer. I would repeat what she said, thinking it was OK to say, then (deservedly) take the blame when I ended up hurting someone.

Or reply with 'How would you feel if someone was nasty about your looks? Do you think it's kind to be nasty? How do you think your nastiness makes me feel? What do your friends think of you when your unkind like that?

I would reflect all their behaviour back on them.

Agree with others that the main thing is your DP. His attitude here says a lot about where your blended family might go, and what things might look like in ten years time. And - it's not just you you have to think about here, but the feelings and the effect on your own DC.

You say they like you and like coming to yours, so you have power here in that sense - 'No, I don't think a visit today is what I want. You said some very nasty things to me last time you were here and it was really hurtful. I would like to wait a little while before we have another visit' - but, the point is you shouldn't need to be doing this (and it could backfire in many ways).

I was also a little at the fact that they especially like coming to yours in the holidays when their mum is at work - oh reeeeally? That must be very convenient for her, childcare-wise, and for your DP too

On balance, I think you are on the right track thinking about ending this, unless serious chats result in serious changes.

Honestly... their DM and I get on fine but she wouldn't care how they were talking to people. In the nicest way possible she's a very "hands-off" parent and isn't bothered by manners etc. so talking to her won't be much use

I'd also talk to the school about their behaviour because it's very worrying and inappropriate

Also I'd send them away or refuse their visit while being honest about your reasons. 'They arebofy shaming and that's unkind. I don't tolerate that behaviour at all.

As I'm in a foul mood tonight with a stupid, thoughtless, and lying husband....who it has to be said is not normally! I feel the next time one of the kids make disparaging remarks about you, you ensure you're taping it, and threaten to put it on their social media accounts....advising their mum, their friends, teachers & schoolmates, just how they speak to their SM. Play it over and over to them until it becomes their worse nightmare!!!
See told you I'm evil tonight! ARRRRRGGGGHH!!!