Why do my SC make me feel so angry?!?!

[Appleandbanana123]

DH has two boys aged 11 and 15, who live with their mother ca. 3 hours away, and my 18 yo DS lives with us.

The eldest one is polite, friendly and has a very caring nature. I haven't been able to establish a common ground with him though, mostly (or solely) because they come as a package - him and his brother - and I've found it impossible to separate the two.

Now, the 11 year old is a real problem and I blame the parents. He's disrespectful to his brother and DH. But you know what? It's described as him being witty. Something doesn't go his way? The crocodile tears come flowing. He lies. He'll do everything he can to annoy everyone else, and then he puts on an angelic face.

We got married abroad a couple of years ago and younger DSS made our time away absolutely hell for everyone. And if he got told off? Of course, the tears... And he doesn't eat anything so everyone has to go out of their to accommodate him. He needs constant entertainment so the attention has to be on him, and arrangements are made with him in mind. Otherwise he'll have the longest face ever, cry (sob his heart out) thus making it pretty unpleasant for everyone. After that, I swore that I would never go on holidays with them again. I really don't have a problem with DH taking them away on his own (in fact, I have encouraged him to so) but I am not sacrificing my annual leave and money to have a miserable time away somewhere with them. As a single parent, I've more than done my share of hard work (and for DS, I would do it all over again!!) but I am drawing the line there.

Last night, I was trying to talk to older SDS about his sports activities over dinner, and this little brat started mocking his brother. Not only that, but he constantly interrupted the conversation trying to put his brother down.

You are probably wondering where DH was in all of this? At the table, with us. I suspect that he feels guilty as he separated from the mum when the younger one was still a baby. Or maybe, seeing that they don't come over very often (and when they do I feel like hiding in my room until they are gone), he finds it easier to just turn a blind eye to it - perhaps on the basis that whatever he does will have very little influence...?

Anyway, as you may have guessed DSC are around at the moment...

Your 11 dss sounds like me 11year old dd. She's not pampered or spoilt, but she is very difficult, awkward and demanding, and she was like this from the day she was born.

He's only 11, and when you married your Dh, you also took his dc on board.

He is only a child. Your use of words like brat are inexcusable.

You suggest he is being let down by the adults around him. You are one of them, big time.

Ideally you need to talk to your OH and try to work out how to support him together. But while you feel angry towards him that seems unlikely doesn't it.

It's your job as an adult to make a positive change.

Blaming am 11 year old and mocking his tears is despicable.

Woah there Apple has a very good point. This child IS being let down by his parents....but she's not his parent!
If the child is constantly rude, unpleasant , makes life difficult for everyone else and is generally offensive, then it's time his parents stepped up to the mark and sort it out!! It's not Apple's responsibility!

He sounds very difficult. Why should you be the driving force in dealing with his behaviour? Surely your husband needs to step up and yes, you should support him - a united front.

I do believe that some children are brats! They are not all angelic little cherubs. Yes he may be going through emotional difficulty but so is the OP!

Well is she a step-parent or not wdigin

WFT?

Yes he may be going through emotional difficulty but so is the OP!

The OP is an adult. She has a choice about whether she's there or not and what happens in her day to day life.

He doesn't.

What happens now could shape who he is for the rest of his life. She is already an adult with a fully formed sense of self.

It's totally unfair to put imply they are equals in this, they aren't. She has the power and he doesn't. Yes his behaviour may be affecting here, but she has the power to do something responsible and positive about this.

Calling him a brat and being angry ain't it.

Sounds exactly like my ss except he lives with us. I entirely blame dp and ex. He's never been disciplined in his life. Turns on the tears and all is forgiven. Does not work like that in my house (he's only recently moved in).

He cannot follow simple instructions he does not tidy up after himself. He has no respect for us and doesn't listen to a word we say. He lies frequently and plays us off against his mother continuously.

We are trying to get him to change and at least become more respectful and cut out the tears but it's difficult when you've been pandered to by everyone for 12 whole years.

I see why you're frustrated op.

So his mum has no issue with his behaviour and it would seem nor does his dad. You're clearly don't like the way he is as a person, but you can't change the way his parents are bringing him up. If it frustrates you to the point of feeling resentment and anger, all you can do is detached yourself from the child. Tell yourself that he is not your responsibility and be grateful that he isn't yours. Remain polite and caring but don't invest yourself emotionally in his care.

Maybe things will get better as he gets older and tougher. Some cry babies do grow to be fine, they just need to get over the phase. Maybe you can try to talk to your OH and understand why he seems to be so emotional fragile.

It's very very clear that you don't like him, calling a child a brat is awful.

Why marry his dad if you dislike him that much, were you hoping they would be around the bare minimum or would just eventually stop coming?

His dad needs to man up to, if he knows what you think of his son and the name calling you'd expect him to either walk or ensure his son was not treated that way.

You can't date the parents of children you despise.

That's it. That's the rule.

My DS can be like this. He thinks he knows better than everyone and is constantly challenging. He's also very emotional and cries easily. It's hard parenting him. I can be hard on him, I can be kind to him, it makes no difference. He is who he is and at best I can teach him why certain behaviours are inappropriate. It's work in progress

I understand it's bloody hard and frustrating to be around. Try not to blame the parents too much though

To all those saying that calling a child a brat is awful....

It's really not. Not if the child is, in fact, a brat. Stop with the hand wringing.

Your husband really needs to chat to younger child when he's naughty. He'll only get worse

I am sorry op but surely you can understand why an 11 year old might make your wedding trip absolutely hell for everyone? (You marrying his father - whom he doesn't live with - and becoming step-father to your son.)

And you say that after this incident you refused to go on holiday with them anywhere again?

Pre-teens can be very difficult anyway, without having to cope with the challenging dynamics of blended families. None of this was his choice.

Eleven year olds are generally unable to express their hurt and anger and anxiety in a way that is productive.

I really don't understand some of the responses here, and all this justifications for behaviour which is just plainly unacceptable.

Take me out of the equation for a moment. DSS is horrid to his older brother; he's constantly trying to put him down and mocking him! Wedding, blended families etc aside, he is unbelievably manipulative and unkind. He'll ask my 18 year old bizarre questions such as 'do you like c* up your bum?' as that's his idea of banter. He'll jump behind elderly ladies on the street, and imitate their actions (I.e. walking with difficulty etc) as an idea of having a good laugh, without any concept of respect. He messed up the start of his race on sports day, so he cried and kicked chairs around. In front of everyone. And back to his older brother, he'll annoy the poor boy until he snaps (and he's got the patience of a saint) for which the eldest one will get told off. If the telling off is extended to the youngest one, then the tears start.

I am sorry but I struggle to see even a hint of kindness. And as per before, the above are general examples. Totally unrelated to me, wedding or blended families.

As for parenting, he's got both parents and I strongly disagree with many of the things that I have seen. I have spoken to DH and he has made some small changes, but fundamentally it's all the same. I don't believe that I should get involved, to be honest, and therefor I've distanced myself. I'll support DH 100% in terms of his time with DSS but I am not prepared to put myself out- i.e. using up my holidays for 1-2 weeks of misery, and paying for the privilege.

Mycalm yes, exactly she's the SP....not his mother! It's a parent's responsibility to bring a child up with manners and reasonable behaviour, when his parents start doing that, no doubt Apple will be as supportive as she can!
Bumdish I agree, some kids who have no controlling influence in their lives, are brats....and they grow into unlikeably adults. Fact!

OMG Apple he sounds like a nightmare. I'm assuming you've had various chats with your husband about his behaviour, and if nothing changes, I would distance myself too. I'd also ensure your DH knows full well, that when you refuse activities involving the younger boy, you're doing so because of his failure to properly parent his child!

You can't date the parents of children you despise.

That's it. That's the rule.

Yup.

I agree with op. She shouldn't use her holiday time to deal with this sort of behaviour. Sorry, but he's not a young child where we have to cut them slack because they're still learning, he's 11 years old and behaving atrociously. He does sound like a brat. Jumping out at old ladies is inexcusable. How do his parents think this sort of behaviour is acceptable? He sounds dreadful; tantrumming at 11? Embarrassing.

You can't date the parents of children you despise.

It may be so but I am already married to DSS' dad.

Also, there were two points (take responsibility for my share of it btw!!):

• I met them 4 years ago and although he was dealt with as though he was a little toddler, I assumed this would change. Well, it's got worse as he's becoming more and more crude
• our wedding trip was our one and only holiday together and the first time we spent such a length of time under the same roof without me being out at work most of the time etc. So full exposure to the ins and outs of it.

What does your husband say about the way SS behaves towards his brother? It's his job to parent both of these children and if he continues to allow the younger one to bully the older one as soon as the older one gets a chance to leave and make a life away from his unpleasant brother and his permissive parents.

I wouldn't have married my husband if I'd loathed one of his children. But we have them here twice a week so we share this home and we function as a family so if it hadn't worked no matter how much I love him it wouldn't have had a future. He's a wonderful man but if he was a crap father I couldn't respect him.

Have you discussed your difficulties with the whole situation with him? I'd like to think my husband wouldn't have married me if he knew I didn't like his children. How can it possibly work?

Holidaying separately is fine but it's indicative of the lack of general warmth between you all and if it's not going to change what does the future look like? He's going to be coming to you for contact for years to come. If he was 18 now things would be different but he's got all of secondary school to come.

What do you want to happen? What can and could change? Is your DH really alright with things as they are? Is there a chance he's struggling as much as you are but knows how you feel and is so defensive he can't tell you? What's his relationship with his ex like? Can they talk about how to parent SS or are they parallel parenting with no shared plan?

My real concern is for your older SS. My ex was completely failed by his parents who refused to stop his brother from tormenting him and his sister and it ruined all of those relationships completely as the hurt it caused was too much once they'd grown up and didn't have to spend time together.

One of my brothers was incredibly challenging and made life hell for a while. But I know my parents tried everything they could to help him be better and to look after the rest of us. No one got thrown to the wolves so one sibling got to rampage unchecked.

Being a step parent is a mine field.

Sorry but he sounds a complete attention seeking nightmare. I would do what you are doing and withdraw ,be polite and caring and no more.

Could you take the older boy out for a coffee etc and have a nice time with just him?

If younger one doesn't like it tough

Xx

You can't date the parents of children you despise

Sorry, OP, this is the truth. I lost a good friend because of my dd's behaviour, but my friend felt free to totally condemn my dd whereas a parent just cannot do that, we have to keep on, keeping on. Our children aren't robots and the reasons for their behaviour can be complex.

Could your SS have learning difficulties? He sounds very immature emotionally.

There isn't much we can say here as you can't suddenly make him a child you would like. It sounds like his parents and brother take him as he is and you're the only one who is struggling much with his behaviour. Maybe because they got used to it and accept him as he is. In any case, all you can hope is that he gets better as he comes out of teenagehood and/or that your OH take more notice of your views, but otherwise, keeping your distance is now the only thing you can really do.

His parents are split up and he has a step mum who doesn't like him. Have you ever liked him?

The teasing his brother thing sounds normal. I note you only have one dc so aren't used to siblings pissing each other off. They do it and usually one is better st not being caught so I reckon the older one does it too.
As for the comments to your 18 year old, he's 11. 11 year olds aren't known for their maturity.
You are his step mother and need to be mature and responsible in your approach. Your dh will have a different view as he's emotionally attached. The 11 year old will behave differently for his mother.
When he cries, you can acknowledge his tears but still follow through. But writing him off is sad. He's a child.

Do you have examples?