Why do my SC make me feel so angry?!?!

[Appleandbanana123]

DH has two boys aged 11 and 15, who live with their mother ca. 3 hours away, and my 18 yo DS lives with us.

The eldest one is polite, friendly and has a very caring nature. I haven't been able to establish a common ground with him though, mostly (or solely) because they come as a package - him and his brother - and I've found it impossible to separate the two.

Now, the 11 year old is a real problem and I blame the parents. He's disrespectful to his brother and DH. But you know what? It's described as him being witty. Something doesn't go his way? The crocodile tears come flowing. He lies. He'll do everything he can to annoy everyone else, and then he puts on an angelic face.

We got married abroad a couple of years ago and younger DSS made our time away absolutely hell for everyone. And if he got told off? Of course, the tears... And he doesn't eat anything so everyone has to go out of their to accommodate him. He needs constant entertainment so the attention has to be on him, and arrangements are made with him in mind. Otherwise he'll have the longest face ever, cry (sob his heart out) thus making it pretty unpleasant for everyone. After that, I swore that I would never go on holidays with them again. I really don't have a problem with DH taking them away on his own (in fact, I have encouraged him to so) but I am not sacrificing my annual leave and money to have a miserable time away somewhere with them. As a single parent, I've more than done my share of hard work (and for DS, I would do it all over again!!) but I am drawing the line there.

Last night, I was trying to talk to older SDS about his sports activities over dinner, and this little brat started mocking his brother. Not only that, but he constantly interrupted the conversation trying to put his brother down.

You are probably wondering where DH was in all of this? At the table, with us. I suspect that he feels guilty as he separated from the mum when the younger one was still a baby. Or maybe, seeing that they don't come over very often (and when they do I feel like hiding in my room until they are gone), he finds it easier to just turn a blind eye to it - perhaps on the basis that whatever he does will have very little influence...?

Anyway, as you may have guessed DSC are around at the moment...

Believeitornot Are you serious? I have three children and if they tried to speak to each other like he did in Ops example, I would be very cross! An 11 year old teasing about anal? Being mean about another's sport? You are happy with that?

My DCs fought and squabbled but didn't put each other down.

I would speak to a child expert about this, at 11 it is beyond a phase. You, and the other DPs, need some proper advice on why he does it and how you stop it.
For his sake as much as anyone else's.

I'd be concerned about special needs

The crude comments and imitating old peolle in the street aren't something my 11 year old would ever do :-(

He may need counselling for anger management perhaps

I'd get dh to talk to his ex about getting him some professional help

@sofato5miles

Of course I'm not happy, it's just pointing out that siblings do this stuff. I clamp down on it with my two but it happens a lot! As it did with my brother. But it's hardly crime of the century. As for the "anal" comment, he's 11 and childish. I'd be having a serious word but mindful of his immaturity.

My point really is that coming down hard on this child and writing him off as a brat is terrible. Yes his behaviour is crap but he's not an adult and the response needs adjusting accordingly.

whereas a parent just cannot do that, we have to keep on, keeping on

That's all well and good but the child's actual parents aren't just keeping on they're ignoring absolutely vile behaviour. They need to address it.

The fact that he cries, or "turns on the tears" as op puts it is indicative of a very unhappy child. 11 year old boys do not normally cry over nothing. Does his dad spend any time with him one to one. Has he any hobbies or interests. Is he struggling at school. Try being kind to him.

The fact that he cries, or "turns on the tears" as op puts it is indicative of a very unhappy child. 11 year old boys do not normally cry over nothing. Does his dad spend any time with him one to one. Has he any hobbies or interests. Is he struggling at school. Try being kind to him

I don't think this is always true. My 12 yo ss turns on the tears at the flick of a switch. It's not because he is unhappy, it is because previously when he lived with his mum he knew that if he got told off and he cried she would just let it go and forget about it. It's actually really manipulative and he knows exactly what he's doing because he doesn't cry when he gets told off at school or by another adult that's not me his mum or his dad.

It's so hard to be a step parent when you're expected to put up with behaviour you find unnacceptable and you're powerless to stop it. Or youre expected to deal with it because the actual parents can't be arsed or are so used to it that they don't see the issue.

My 12 yo ss turns on the tears at the flick of a switch. It's not because he is unhappy, it is because previously when he lived with his mum he knew that if he got told off and he cried she would just let it go and forget about it. It's actually really manipulative and he knows exactly what he's doing because he doesn't cry when he gets told off at school or by another adult that's not me his mum or his dad

Have you spoken to him about it or is this an assumption? My ds doesn't cry unless it's me or Dh there and this includes when he's been hurt quite badly, as well as being told off etc.

We've tried to speak to him hundreds of times but he doesn't speak he will just sit and ignore what you're saying. He's had counselling. He wouldn't speak to them either.

We know full well that his crying to get out of being told off worked because his mum admits it. He won't confirm it obviously because he seeming cannot manage to have a conversation about it.

He's not a crier in general either. He doesn't cry at like a sad film and he would have to be really badly hurt to cry. But you could ask him why he hasn't put his clean washing away when he's been told 100 times and he'd just cry. and still not actually put it away

He's not very mature for 12 admittedly but I think that's a lot to do with the fact he's been treated like a baby for his entire life.

Children do what works. He is trying to fit in with two families which must be hard and what 'works for him' i.e. gets him attention and his needs met is negative behaviour and then crying. He is the innocent one here. Your husband needs to change how he interacts with him. Even if his mother doesn't, children learn pretty early what works with what person.

Yep, if this behaviour has got him exactly what he wants for some time, he's gonna carry on with it. The ONLY thing that can change that is consequences!
If his DF cares about his DC's future life, then he must see he has to step up to the mark, and be a proper parent....and all you can do is support him. Or get the hell out!

It is a difficult position to be in as a "step-mum". If you do too much - you are overstepping the mark, if you do too little you are ignoring the child.

At face value it sounds like the younger brother is jealous of the older brother and is just out and out naughty. But on a deeper level, I personally think, that it sounds like the younger brother may needs some help on an emotional level.

I have a bio children and step children and I understand where you are coming from as my step child was as you described your youngest step child.

My sc would cry if she got was getting told off (by either parent), my sc would be cruel to the siblings (step and bio) My sc would go out of her way to get them in trouble by fibbing or making up stuff.

My DH and his ex-wife did not want to admit that there was something wrong and kept on excusing the behaviour. They had to move school and when they did my sc got an excellent teacher who knew my sc needed help. And after gaining permission she put my sc through these tests. It turned out that my sc had social anxiety mixed with autism (very low on the spectrum) and was dyslexic too. Now we have the right tools to help her and the change has been slow but positive. My SC is not perfect but is dealing with things so much better and is a joy to behold.

Maybe your youngest sc could benefit with some extra help?

It could not hurt to try.

Your h is doing dss2 no favours in letting his behaviour go unchecked. If he behaves like this at school, his peers are going to shun him pronto. Poor dss1. Why should he have to put up with his dad letting dss2 act so atrociously.

OP I see one of two scenarios here. Either he is an attention seeker who has been getting away with murder for years & whose behaviour is now turning nasty as he gets older, or there is indeed a special needs issue. Either way his parents (not you) should be investigating the cause if this behaviour as it doesn't sound normal to me.
I don't think it has anything to do with his parents being separated or his dad living with you and your ds - plenty of kids cope with that just fine.
In your place I too would distance myself - you need to protect yourself & you had no way of knowing 4 years ago that this kids behaviour would get worse so just ignore all those on here doing the verbal step mum bashing!

The son is behaving like an arse but it's down to his parents to rectify that. You're in a very tricky situation. What does your DH say about it all? Does he not feel concerned by it?

It seems to be a constant theme on the step-parenting board that women marry men who are crap parents then blame the step children because of behaviour that's a direct consequence of that crap parenting.