Who is being unreasonable?

[user1494182820]

Hello, I'm sorry this might be a long post.

I am with DH and we have DSD (9) and DD (10 weeks). DH has a fairly loose arrangement with his ex, in that we have DSD at least one night a week, plus two weekends a month, but will have as much extra as ex will allow. He also tries to be involved as much as possible with all aspects of DSD's life, e.g. sports days, doctors appointments parents evenings, which until the last year or so, has been difficult, due to an uneasy relationship with ex, but this seems to be improving now. I have been with DH since DSD was 5 and have tried my best to support him seeing more of her. I genuinely love her and have tried to treat her as I would treat my own children.

Herein lies the problem. DH, it turns out, will not correct DSD in any way. He has very low expectations of her regarding behaviour and things like table manners (for example she will not use a knife and fork unless you literally police every mouthful of food). He wants her to be happy every moment of every day And, while I think this is a lovely sentiment, I believe that a relationship which includes discipline and boundaries will create a more well-rounded and balanced adult who can exist in society and have solid social relationships and, therefore, have the best chance of being happy in the long run.

This has always been a bit of an issue for us- DSD will be rude to someone (me, DH, shopkeeper, grandparent) I will wait for him to deal with her behaviour. By the time I realise he's not going to and step in myself it has usually escalated and becomes far bigger than it needs to be. This will then be followed by a row between me and DH because he thinks I've been nasty to DSD (by asking her to be polite and explaining why she should be, in this example) and I'm disappointed that he won't step up and set some boundaries for her.

The real issue I have at the moment is that she is absolutely obsessed with DD. DH thinks it is adorable and let's her do whatever she wants with the baby. This makes me really uncomfortable, as she is very much in DD's face all the time and will not leave her alone. I try to create situations where they can spend time together which I consider to be safe for both, so, DSD will give her a bottle, or read a book to her, give her a cuddle on the sofa etc. I genuinely have no idea if I'm being massively overprotective, but DSD is really quite clumsy (even DH will admit This, I'm not being nasty!) and I don't want her carrying her around, particularly as we have hard floors. I've also asked him not to let her push the pram in car parks, by busy roads etc, as she is a bit of a daydreamer and I'm worried that this could lead to an accident. She's fine to push in the park/supermarket/home. He thinks I'm being very unfair and doesn't understand why there's a difference and why I'm trying to set "arbitrary" rules.

Yesterday, after a long day of both of the girls being a bit unsettled and moody (tired), DD was in her rocker in the living room, I was sorting her clothes on the sofa and DH and DSD were sorting their stuff to go for a swim. DSD comes in from the kitchen and throws herself down on the floor next to the rocker. I'm not sure if this was deliberate, but I'm happy to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one, but her thumping woke DD up. She started to have a little grizzle, but she'll usually settle herself back down pretty quickly. DSD immediately reaches in to the rocker and grabs DD's hand. I ask her to leave the baby to settle, so that she'll go back to sleep. DSD gives me an eye roll and ignores me. I ask again, she leaves it. DD continues to grizzle and I stick the vibrate function on the rocker, this immediately begins to soothe her, but DSD grabs her hand again and the grizzling starts up. I ask DSD to please leave the baby alone to settle And, again, get an eye roll, but she leaves her. Again, a minute or so later, DD starts crying and it's because DSD has grabbed her hand. We go through this cycle 4 more times, then DSD asks if she can hold her because "she isn't stopping crying" and she can tell she wants a cuddle. I say no and explain why. She then tries to shove a bottle in DD's mouth, again I say no, baby's not hungry, just grumpy because she woke up as she was going off for her nap. I go back to sorting the washing and a few moments later DD really kicks off- I look round and DSD has pulled her out of the rocker to sit on her lap at a really awkward angle and is trying to force the bottle into her mouth again. At this point I am so close to shouting at her, I call DH through and ask him to take her swimming now, have a word about her behaviour on the way there and bring her back in a (hopefully) better frame of mind.

When they come back from swimming it turns out that DSD had overheard this (which I feel horrible about, and have apologised to her) and translated it to mean I hate her. DH is in a foul mood as I was so unfair, he just sees a kid loving her sister and doesn't think of how DD feels being pulled around all the time. I suspect the answer is that there is a middle ground here somewhere, but I'm not sure how to find it, as I can't bear to watch my tiny baby being manhandled, but also realise that DSD needs to be involved as she is part of the family as much as any of the rest of us.

Any advice at all is appreciated and I'm very sorry for the length of this post!

Im really sorry- there were paragraphs but the phone seems to have removed them! I have no idea how to put them back in :-( if you manage to read that, I'm doubly appreciative of your time and effort!

I don't think you are unreasonable at all to expect DSD's father to have some.baaic guidelines like table manners and being polite.
He is being unreasonable by trying to be the cool parent with no boundaries. The longer he allows this to go on, the bigger issues you are going to face as she grows I to a teenager. Remember, she's 10 and has already worked out that she can go to dad and say that nasty step mum hates me.

But be prepared for loads of replies saying you are just a step parent and you have no right at all to have any involvement in basic manners or behaviour (but you should also treat step children exactly as your own - I can never work that out)

Thank you, I also have difficulty knowing how involved to be. The problem is there, that he wants us to all be one big happy family and has actually said "you are basically DSD's mother when she is with us". I have huge issues with that as she has a perfectly good mother who doesn't need replacing.

But when she's with me/us and is being rude (particularly when out in public and usually to shop workers for some reason!), somebody has to tell her don't they? I've tried stepping back and doing nothing, but then it's two passive people being walked over by a child? Eugh, it's so difficult to know where the lines are!

You are not being unreasonable. And the sentence that DSD overheard was perfectly ok IMO. Who told you it was horrible and you needed to apologise to DSD?

Time for a serious chat with DH.

He came back from swimming and I was tidying the mess they'd left in the kitchen and cooking dinner- I was quite cross about that and had a (quiet) word, while DSD was upstairs. He was under the impression that he had cleared up the mess from their chutney-making adventure (!) because DSD had done the washing up . I had then spent the time they were swimming scraping sugary sticky stuff from all the work surfaces and putting left over ingredients away. Because I wasn't grateful that they had washed up, he got huffy and told me DSD was very upset by the horrible thing I had said and that she thought I hated her and hadn't wanted to come home.

I apologised to her, as I really don't want her to feel like that- this is her home and 90% of the time we do get on really well. I'm finding it much more difficult after a really horrible pregnancy and spending 4 weeks in hospital after DD was born to just tolerate DSD acting as she pleases. Am I being overprotective of the baby? I genuinely don't know!

I would be having a very big talk with your dh and making it clear that you are not her mother so let lots of behaviour slide, but when you do feel it necessary to discipline her or to ask her to leave her sister alone you expect back up from him, remind him hes not her best friend but her father. I always remember my exs son being rude to me, i pulled him on it and ex questioned it saying oh it was only a joke, i bluntly told my ex that i didnt expect to be spoken to like that by any child and if he wasnt willing to parent his manners properly then i would. 10 years later and yes ex is an ex, but his son is a lovely young man who i have always got on with, he learnt his boundaries, his father however still treats him like a friend and their relationship has suffered as a consequence.

Thank you- I have tried the talk on many occasions, but he either gets very defensive or makes lots of promises which he doesn't stick to. At this stage I'm not considering walking away (although I may feel differently at the end of the summer holidays ). I'm just really fed up with being made to feel like I'm being unfair. And if I am being unfair I need different strategies, because I genuinely do care for DSD a lot and do not want to make her unhappy. At the same time I will not be cast as the wicked stepmother, when I am trying my hardest to make a difficult situation work!

YANBU

Babies are delicate. The situation you describe though where DSD was constantly pestering the baby probably wouldn't happen if DSD was yours as you would probably have been firmer sooner or when baby arrived.

A family chat definitely sounds in order

YANBU!!
Your husband is being a Disney dad.
You need to have a serious talk.
My DSD was a lovely child is now a lovely 19 year old! but her dad was a nightmare.
No discipline, let her do whatever she wanted, kept her up till all hours "I don't see her all week, indeed to make the most of our time together" equated to keeping a 4 year old up until 10 or 11 at night! He would cook different meals for her even though the food we were eating was perfectly palatable and would then cook her something different if she didn't like it. We'd tow about it frequently.
I took over the parenting role. Guess who she has a relationship with now? She sees her dad about once or twice a year at most (we're now divorced) and she sees me at least 4-5 times a year and we go away together.

Gosh ,... if it helps I have been having nightmares that 1 of my step daughter will intentionally harm our baby.
Reading through your posts I don't think you are being unreasonable; the child needs boundaries and sadly it sounds like you are having to do it on your own.

Blueuggs, they sound very similar. I have managed to get him to stop cooking separate meals for her, though!
Your replies have really helped me, he seems to think that it's me being unfair on him and DSD, but I'm not telling her off for the fun of it! I will have another talk with him tonight once she's gone back to her mum and see if we can agree on a way forward that won't end in me shutting my head in a door!

I too have a dsd that dh was afraid to parent. He worried she would report him to her mother who would stop visits (which regularly happened anyway). Dsd was a good child (now 30) but there were no boundaries at all and while she seems to have grown into a decent, polite adult (other than where her father is concerned) she has zero respect for her father who still grovels and kowtows to her despite her treating him like shit on her shoe. By contrast he is excessively harsh on our dd who can do no right in his eyes. Your dh is potentially ruining his relationship with his dd by not parenting her.

Your DH is entitled to discipline her as he believes he is right. Kids with Disney Dads don't all end up brats, as a matter of fact, my experience (being myself the product of a Disney Dad and being a separated mum of teenagers) is that they often turn out lovely people.

However, you certainly shouldn't feel that you have no input whatsoever and the example you've provided is a perfect one where you've acted perfectly acceptably.

The problem is that you should feel under pressure to NEVER be in conflict with your SD and that seems to be a common feeling amongst SM. Of course there will be times when you'll confront her and when she won't be happy with your response. That's totally normal.

What isn't is if your challenging her behaviour overtakes you being pleasant to her. If you are always disciplining her and doing in a aggressive/defensive manner.

As it was, you acted like most mum would have (certainly more patience than I would have had with my kids!). What might have helped is then spending some pleasant time with her to explain why what she did was wrong because it sounds like the issue is that she lacked perspective into the situation and really thought she was doing right and this is why she got upset at being reprimanded.

I would sit her down, tell her than in no way do you hate her, and explain why you asked her not to touch your DD at this time. Explain to her that baby love a lot of attention and affection but like her and you, sometimes they also need some time of their own and this was an instance when she needed to be left alone to go back to sleep. Tell her that you are very happy with her to push the pushchair where there are no cars around, but that just as you keep an eye on her in car park, it is better that you push the pushchair, not because you don't trust her, but you don't trusts the car drivers.

Looking after older children when you've just had a baby is hard, you have to double the attention you give to both. Parents face this themselves, so don't beat yourself up that you've finding it hard. You sound like a fantastic step-mum.

I am supposed to be grateful that they washed up, because this is a distinct improvement over the past few weeks, where he is at least trying. But that's a whole other issue! We are working on it and getting there slowly.

He is a bit of a tosser sometimes, but really he just wants a good relationship with his daughter. In his head this means that he does whatever she wants him to, so that she is happy.

She is not a brat in the slightest, but i suspect from the recently developed habit of eye rolling and sulking for no good reason, she is rapidly heading for the moody teens! she's a kind, clever funny girl and I can't help but feel that his low expectations of her don't really do her justice! I also worry that the different styles of parenting will affect my DD too- will seeing her big sister being allowed free reign cause resentment when she is not?

I'll just throw this in....you say she prefers to eat with her hands and is very clumsy. Have a Google of dyspraxia and symptoms. I have 3 who are all dyspraxic - one very much so, the other two less so,but one of the issues for us has been the struggle with cutlery.

YANBU
He is not parenting his DD, it can be hard work putting in rules/boundaries/consequences and he's not beothering to do this.

You asked your DSD not to do something several times and she ignored you and did it anyway. Does he honestly think this is ok?

Ask him if he really thinks it's ok for her to be allowed to carry the baby or push the pram in a car park/busy road?
Where would he draw the line, if DSD wants to carry the baby upstairs/take her to the shop/park on her own, would he let her because she loves the baby and is just trying to be a good big sister?!

It is very unsettling for children not to have boundaries in place, it's unfair on your DSD to just be allowed to do what she wants. Children feel secure and settled when they know what they are/aren't allowed to do.

I would put my own rules in place when DSD is with you, so if she is rude to you then correct her straight away.
Explain nicely to her that the baby loves her, she is a fantastic big sister, etc but she needs to leave the baby alone straight away when asked to and if she carries on when you have asked her to stop then she needs to sit on the couch/leave the room (or whatever you feel best).

Is your DH planning on bringing your baby DD up like this? If he is, I can't see it working as it's two complete opposite parenting teqniques. What when your DD becomes a toddler and maybe hits/bites, is he not going to tell her off because he wants her to be happy all the time?! It just won't work.

As a stepmum to a now grownup DSD I sympathise. Also now my eldest DS is 11, my guess is a lot of the eye rolling etc behaviour is due to the age and the fact you are an easy target. I found the best thing to do with DSD was to insist my DH did the disciplining as it is their parents' responsibility and children tend to accept it better from their natural parent. I used to just 'remove' myself from the equation - e.g. I wouldn't have cleaned up the kitchen counters after the chutney mess, I would have waited until her dad did it. If she is rude when you go out and he doesn't correct it then tell him you won't go out with them as it's too embarrassing. It worked for us and DH stepped up, (though it did take a while) It doesn't go on forever though, 10 years will rush past before you know it.

(And obviously keep her away from the baby except when appropriately supervised, as you would with any siblings displaying such behaviour)

Thank you all so much, these replies have been massively helpful. I will definitely mention dyspraxia to DH, as he is diagnosed dyslexic and also has dyspraxic traits. He would definitely be able to relate to it and it would explain the extreme reluctance to use cutlery!

From what you guys have said, I definitely need to have another chat with him. Doing it when DSD is not around tends to work better, as he is less full of "isn't DSD the perfect child" emotions, so I'll leave it a couple of days.

I know it's silly, but I see so much potential for her and I feel like he's not setting her up to make the most of herself in whatever way that turns out to be! He is going to have to be different with DD, because I am not being bad cop every day and ruining my relationship with her. I hope that that will change how he interacts with DSD as well!

Yanbu. What you said wasn't rude at all. I'd expect a teacher/hv to use restrained language like that. If she came back in a cheerier mood then all that needed to be done is to greet her warmly and get on with the day. Apologising for showing restrained exasperation is not helpful for dsd imo. It's fine for her to learn that she was unreasonable - we all are sometimes. Her dad should have explained what you words meant if she honestly thought that it meant you hated her but knowing 10 year ago kids it could easily be acting like a drama queen for attention because her dad seems to like feeding on it. Doing whatever makes dsd happy isn't going to work as a father of 2. What if dd is happy hurting dsd and dsd is happy hurting dd back?

Your h can't have it both ways. If you were the mother when dsd was with you then he'd have to trust you to discipline her. People don't discipline to be mean. We discipline so that children can cope in wider society. The situation with the napping wouldn't have happened if dsd was your daughter because you would have asked her to wait elsewhere once she started to delay nap time.

How does dsd cope at school? Schools have rules like we must be kind to other people so she wouldn't have got away with rudeness. I have a 10 year old and (2 who were 10 years ago) and their peers wouldn't have accepted that language either.

user I could write a very similar post. Especially the bit about DSC seemingly being allowed to do what they like with the baby because DP is afraid that telling them not to poke her/push her off their lap when they're bored of holding her/shout in her face/pat her on the head/stick their fingers in her mouth will put them off wanting to bond with her.

All he does is stare doe eyed at them and ineffectively say "gently" a few times. IMO they shouldn't be poking her face at all regardless of how gently they're doing it.

It's now at the stage where I can't leave the baby and DP in the same room as DSC without me and I have to fight the urge to grab her back after 5 minutes to keep her safe.

I feel your pain!

I know it's silly, but I see so much potential for her and I feel like he's not setting her up to make the most of herself in whatever way that turns out to be!

Just on this comment, I would raise some alarm bells! There is a French saying that has come so true for most of my friend whose kids are now grown up and is goes' before I had children, I had principles'!

What most parents go through as they raise their kids is:

• They are somehow blinkered and think their kids are much more fabulous than anyone else think! Ok, some a lot more than others, but it is still a normal parenting flaw!
• No matter how well prepared and confident you are in parenting your kids, there will be aspect of their behaviour/personality that you will end up thinking 'I didn't raise you to be like that'.

When kids are little, we really see them as little beings that are 100% under her control for us to form as we wish. As they become teenagers, we realise that although this is a big part of who they are becoming, there is also the element of genes/biology that comes into it, as well as just the way they are, which is why you can have totally different siblings despite having received the exact same education/discipline.

What you seem to be facing is a child turning into a teenager and therefore exhibit behaviours that we could all do without but is almost inevitably part of the process, seeming to have little control to model her as you would wish to, but as per above, she is growing to be her own person too, and frustrated by her dad's blinkers, but be reassure that unless you are out of the norm, you will probably grow similar one in relation to your own DD.