Hello, I'm sorry this might be a long post.
I am with DH and we have DSD (9) and DD (10 weeks). DH has a fairly loose arrangement with his ex, in that we have DSD at least one night a week, plus two weekends a month, but will have as much extra as ex will allow. He also tries to be involved as much as possible with all aspects of DSD's life, e.g. sports days, doctors appointments parents evenings, which until the last year or so, has been difficult, due to an uneasy relationship with ex, but this seems to be improving now. I have been with DH since DSD was 5 and have tried my best to support him seeing more of her. I genuinely love her and have tried to treat her as I would treat my own children.
Herein lies the problem. DH, it turns out, will not correct DSD in any way. He has very low expectations of her regarding behaviour and things like table manners (for example she will not use a knife and fork unless you literally police every mouthful of food). He wants her to be happy every moment of every day And, while I think this is a lovely sentiment, I believe that a relationship which includes discipline and boundaries will create a more well-rounded and balanced adult who can exist in society and have solid social relationships and, therefore, have the best chance of being happy in the long run.
This has always been a bit of an issue for us- DSD will be rude to someone (me, DH, shopkeeper, grandparent) I will wait for him to deal with her behaviour. By the time I realise he's not going to and step in myself it has usually escalated and becomes far bigger than it needs to be. This will then be followed by a row between me and DH because he thinks I've been nasty to DSD (by asking her to be polite and explaining why she should be, in this example) and I'm disappointed that he won't step up and set some boundaries for her.
The real issue I have at the moment is that she is absolutely obsessed with DD. DH thinks it is adorable and let's her do whatever she wants with the baby. This makes me really uncomfortable, as she is very much in DD's face all the time and will not leave her alone. I try to create situations where they can spend time together which I consider to be safe for both, so, DSD will give her a bottle, or read a book to her, give her a cuddle on the sofa etc. I genuinely have no idea if I'm being massively overprotective, but DSD is really quite clumsy (even DH will admit This, I'm not being nasty!) and I don't want her carrying her around, particularly as we have hard floors. I've also asked him not to let her push the pram in car parks, by busy roads etc, as she is a bit of a daydreamer and I'm worried that this could lead to an accident. She's fine to push in the park/supermarket/home. He thinks I'm being very unfair and doesn't understand why there's a difference and why I'm trying to set "arbitrary" rules.
Yesterday, after a long day of both of the girls being a bit unsettled and moody (tired), DD was in her rocker in the living room, I was sorting her clothes on the sofa and DH and DSD were sorting their stuff to go for a swim. DSD comes in from the kitchen and throws herself down on the floor next to the rocker. I'm not sure if this was deliberate, but I'm happy to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one, but her thumping woke DD up. She started to have a little grizzle, but she'll usually settle herself back down pretty quickly. DSD immediately reaches in to the rocker and grabs DD's hand. I ask her to leave the baby to settle, so that she'll go back to sleep. DSD gives me an eye roll and ignores me. I ask again, she leaves it. DD continues to grizzle and I stick the vibrate function on the rocker, this immediately begins to soothe her, but DSD grabs her hand again and the grizzling starts up. I ask DSD to please leave the baby alone to settle And, again, get an eye roll, but she leaves her. Again, a minute or so later, DD starts crying and it's because DSD has grabbed her hand. We go through this cycle 4 more times, then DSD asks if she can hold her because "she isn't stopping crying" and she can tell she wants a cuddle. I say no and explain why. She then tries to shove a bottle in DD's mouth, again I say no, baby's not hungry, just grumpy because she woke up as she was going off for her nap. I go back to sorting the washing and a few moments later DD really kicks off- I look round and DSD has pulled her out of the rocker to sit on her lap at a really awkward angle and is trying to force the bottle into her mouth again. At this point I am so close to shouting at her, I call DH through and ask him to take her swimming now, have a word about her behaviour on the way there and bring her back in a (hopefully) better frame of mind.
When they come back from swimming it turns out that DSD had overheard this (which I feel horrible about, and have apologised to her) and translated it to mean I hate her. DH is in a foul mood as I was so unfair, he just sees a kid loving her sister and doesn't think of how DD feels being pulled around all the time. I suspect the answer is that there is a middle ground here somewhere, but I'm not sure how to find it, as I can't bear to watch my tiny baby being manhandled, but also realise that DSD needs to be involved as she is part of the family as much as any of the rest of us.
Any advice at all is appreciated and I'm very sorry for the length of this post!