Favouritism

[Vinster2016]

I think my friends must by now be sick of my rantings. So rather than bother them I thought I would get another perspective and post on here, I will try to keep it as short as I can to explain how I'm feeling. I have been with my partner for 3 years. He had full custody of 2 children from his previous relationship, one of which was 11 and one of which was 9 at the time. They are now 14 and 11. They see their mum a week, on Tuesdays and Fridays. For a while things were great. I treated them as my own, cleaned up and decorated their rooms, cleaned and decorated pretty much the whole house as my partner had neglected it since his partner left in 2010. I felt sorry for them all, and threw myself into the role of step- parent 100%. I then decided to have my own baby, and he was born early 2016. We involved the girls 100%, even taking them to my 20 weeks scan which was something I didn't really want to do, but felt pressured by his family members that they weren't "left out" so we went ahead and did it. When he was born all was fine, it was their birthdays on the day my son was born, and a week later was the other child's birthday. I had a rough birth, forceps at the end, then haemorrhaged and was taken to theatre, ended up having 2 blood transfusions and was in hospital for 5 days so was feeling pretty lousy. After I went home I then had my wound infected where they had cut me, adding to the bad experience ...
when my son was 1 week old his parents came round and to cut a long story short his dad did nohhinf but wind me up, ask me why I had been so long in the toilet then throw a balloon in my face telling me to "put my face straight" . Needless to say I stuck up for myself, and threw it back at him. They promptly left. A week later I looked in my partners phone at his texts, because I knew it was odd his mum hasn't text me for a week. She had basically called me a nasty bastard, and said we could forget seeing her again as they'd made the effort to come see us and all I did was ignore them!! I had visitors all day long. My wound was agony. I had lost control of my bowels and front for a week, and was feeling pretty dam shit but I did do my best to entertain them. From that moment on I have never spoken to his mum and they see my son once a week, if that. Following ok from this, things went from bad to worse. The older daughter was almost expelled for bullying (she has always shown traits of bad behaviour) but it reached a new level and was causing me a great deal of stress as I was already having zero sleep through colic. She then started stealing my underwear and after going through her phone that had secretly been given to her by the grandma (we confiscated her old phone because of cyber bullying she was doing ) I found that she was sending naked pics to hundreds of men and boys (she was 12) she had been posing in my underwear on the photos, and the way she was talking it sounded as if she was having sex. For me this was the last straw and she went to stay with her mum for a months trial with a view to living there permanently. Her mum after the month refused to have her, but then realised she would be getting x amount of csa and agreed to keep her. The youngest has remained with us. My issue today is one of favourites. The youngest child goes to my partners mothers every day before school, and after school for tea. She often comes back with gifts, make up, tights , trainers etc from his mother. But nothing ever appears for my son. She did once buy some nappies, as my partner constantly reminds me, but it's hardly a treat is it ?! The thing which complicates things more is that the youngest isn't my partners biological child, she has been raised as his and he has custody. She doesn't know he isn't her dad. His mom is fully aware. Today he has come back from his moms with a Debenhams bag, and I knew right away the youngest girl had been treated (again) . It turns out she has bought her clothing and underwear. There was a top for my son, but she had spent a lot less on my son than she had on the girl. I have flown off the handle, as I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like my
Son is treated less favourably by the grand parent, even though he is their flesh and blood! A lot of other little things have happened along the way, and i am seriously thinking of going it alone so I can start to feel happy again. I feel like ever since he was born they have ruined my experience of becoming a mum, as it has been stress after stress. Their attitude to parenting is digging your head in the sand. The elder daughter was being groomed. I was reading the conversations she was having with these men, their answer ? Wipe the phone of its contents. I wanted to take it to the police. I don't know whether to cut my losses and go it alone, but I truly
Don't want my son without his dad every day. We are happy when it is just the 3 of us, it's his baggage that is dragging me down. To make matters worse his ex partner is still on the mortgage and we can't get her off. She often threatens to sell the house from under us out of spite. I just need someone to talk to. It seems they all have no intention of telling the girl that my partner isn't her dad, and I feel the longer they leave it the worse it is going to be in the future for her to process it. The longer time goes on the more of a bond she is building with my son and one day she is going to learn he isn't her half brother at all. It's all really stressing me out. I've already been on anti depressants for a while, they did help me to feel calmer but I was so tired and I came off them. I'm so so tired of carrying all this stress around with me. I can't get my head around the fact that my partner can love equally a child that isn't his, in the same way he loves our son. Our son is his absolute double. Obviously the girl doesn't look anything like him and is starting to ask questions . I would just like to hear someone's perspective on it all as I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Wow you sound like you have a lot going on.
What does your partner think about his mothers behaviour? Does he understand your thoughts and feelings?
I think that a child should always know who its father is and its better to explain to them whilst they are little rather than them finding out when they are older.
I told my daughter when she was 6 as she was able to process it a bit more. I also didn't want it to be built up to be a massive issue for her, So she will never really remember being told like it wasn't a massive life changing moment for her.
Personally I think the child deserves to know where she comes from and I think its more damaging not telling her. Her view could be that the people she loves and trusts have been lieing to her her whole life.

As far as the mil goes I think that's a situation your partner should be sorting out most definately.

You sound like you are having a really stressful time and your in-laws sound horrible.
Vent away op, you sound like you need it.

Your obsession with flesh and blood is not on. No matter what else is going on, this little girl had been raised by your partner and is obviously seen as family. Your son is not more important because of his DNA.

If you have commented on real life the way you have on here it could explain (but not excuse) some of the behaviour.

Yes ideally they should tell her, but that is not your call to make.

Why was the eldest sent away when she was so vulnerable and being groomed?

You are going to have to find a middle ground if you want to calm the situation. What does your dp think about the situation?

Mama 234- thanks for your comments. My partner defends his mum (it's his mum at the end of the day he is trying to be a peacemaker) it my son always seems to come second best to the girls. That's why I get so angry. It doesn't matter how long the girls have been in her life, you should, in my eyes treat them equally. He listens to me and just says that's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. But he doesn't actually agree with me. He has distanced himself from them since the falling out, which I believe is wrong. I try to encourage him to spend more time there but he doesn't and won't.

Lunar 1- the eldest went to her mums for a months trial, as things had got so bad here I was considering taking the baby and going to live at my mums for a while. My partner didn't want that. So he decided she should go to her moms for a while, to see if spending time with her mum helped her behaviour. The problem was that she has been raised by my partner who's done his best but frankly isn't up to the job of raising girls. They have been taught no hygiene , cleanliness, respect or manners. The 2 years I was here before my son arrived I did my absolute best to teach them all of these things, but obviously it was too late. You can't teach an old dog new tricks as they say and sadly
Their upbringing is now manifesting in their behaviour. Both parents and grand parents didn't appear to be bothered by the grooming I was accused of causing trouble. But if I hadn't found that phone what would have happened to her ! She was already arranging to meet men. Thankfully I found it in time. I had a suspicion she had a secret phone my partner said I was wrong. My obsession with flesh and
Blood has only
Come
About since I feel the youngest is being treated more favourably than my son, which I feel is unfair. Yes the grandmother is trying probably to make up for the lack of a mother in that girls
Life, but it was my partner who fought to keep them in court. He did it to spite his ex partner and as much as I love my partner he is not
Up
To the job of raising girls. He has looked after them financially and provided stability, but there has been zero emotional input hence why they were wearing make up and padded bras at inappropriate ages. It's such a huge story, it's very hard to convey in here all that has happened. Thanks so much for your insight I appreciate reading people's thoughts. About telling the youngest about her parentage, I agree it's not my call however I feel I'm the only one here with my eyes open. The rest are in denial about the damage they have done and are doing by keeping it from her .

So you gave your partner an ultimatum and he chose you instead of his extremely vulnerable child.

There was a top for my son, but she had spent a lot less on my son than she had on the girl. I have flown off the handle, as I really don't know how much more of this I can take

You need to focus on yourself and why you would feel jealous and resentful because grand parents would spend more on clothes for an 11yo than a toddler. Of course they would, at 11, they love to get new clothes, and maybe it was a treat for end of year at school. What does your son care about what clothes he's got!

They see him once a week, but it's not unusual for grand parents to spend more time with older children with who they can have a different type of relationship.

It's not like they are ignoring your son, and considering the relationship between you and them, it sounds like they are actually making an effort.

As for the comments about the 11yo not being your DP biological child....well, please don't say anything to him or them about it because frankly, it's pretty abhorrent.

It sounds like you're suffering from tiredness and maybe depression that might impact on your feelings, so please look after yourself and stop taking your resentment on an 11yo which from the sound of things hasn't had it that easy so far.

Swing of things - sorry unsure what you mean by it's pretty abhorrent. What is abhorrent ? That she should know the truth about her parentage ?

Lunar 1- it wasn't an ultimatum at all, it was what had to happen at the time for everything to calm down as I couldn't live here at the time with what had happened with her. Quite frankly why should I put up with that when I had a newborn baby I was supposed to be enjoying ? Yes I may sound selfish but I want my son raised in a calm decent environment. At the time this home was anything but because of her.m behaviour. I was looking for advice, not to be berated. You aren't in my shoes I wouldn't wish anybody to be .

You write on a public forum. You will get all kinds of different answers. Some you like. Some you don't. No one was berating you.

You really shouldn't be talking biological and non-biological children stuff. That is awful.

You also shouldn't be saying their Father shouldn't have been raising girls. That is awful to say you can't teach an old dog new tricks about two children. Jesus.

You sound quite up yourself.

Obviously the Grandparents have more to give and do with the Granddaughters because they have been in their lives longer. They might see your son has his Mum around and doesn't need as much from them.

Try to see just a little bit from their side of the story.

I want my son raised in a calm decent environment

So your partner's children should just disappear so that can happen?

What if your partner were to say 'I want my girls raised in a calm, decent environment and not one where there is a screaming baby'? What happens then?

I think you need to reconsider your relationship. Or rather, your partner does.

What is abhorrent ? That she should know the truth about her parentage ?
No, abhorrent that you should think it has anything to do with you. Your OH has chosen to act as her dad since she was a baby. He has agreed with his ex to be the main carer. She is clearly happy with that. Who are you to decide that this is wrong? Just because you are jealous of the attention she is getting compared to your son?

That you should think that your son should get preferential treatment because, as you quote, he is their flesh and blood -and she isn't.

That you would consider that she isn't your son half brother.

That you would can't believe that your OH could love her as much as your son because she doesn't look like him and your son does (this actually made me smile because both my kids look nothing like me!)

With this attitude, it is no surprise at all that his parents feel they have to over-compensate.

How do you know what damage will be done by telling/not telling her he's not her bio dad? I was raised by a man who wasn't my bio dad. By the time I was 13, both him and my mum had died. My (half) brother and I were then raised by his sister and her husband, alongside their two boys (my cousins). There was absolutely no damage done when I was told the truth, and to this day, I'm in awe of his family (my gran, my aunts, my uncles) for the way they took me on like I was their own, and my cousins are as good as brothers to me. They tell people I'm they're sister and that my brother is their brother, when in actual fact, there is not one single cell of a blood tie between me and them. But, to us, that does not define us as a family.

Sounds to me like you want it to become an issue, when there's no need.

No she wasn't happy with it at all. She ran off with another man and left the children in his care. He fought to keep custody . She wanted them and lost the case. He admits he isn't right for raising them but he has done his best . He kept them to hurt her. I only realised this when I had been here quite a while.

When I said biological and non that was merely to explain to you, strangers the situation. It's just stating fact, wasn't meant to be derogatory.

When I talked about my son looking like his dad I was merely stating that she has started asking questions, about her as a baby and why she doesn't look like her dad . I know children sometimes don't look like either parent, there was no meaning behind that in that my son should be treated differently because he looks like him. My comments have been taken wrongly in their meaning. Probably as I'm typing whilst taking care of a toddler, in a rush. Thanks for the comments I have a lot of food for thought, thank you

But you question how he could love her as much as your son I think that's the part that hurts to read.

Sorry - you sound vile.

I rarely say this but you knew the set up and chose to have a child.?

He has 2 kids who he has raised with their mother - origins irrelevant, youa re using this as a weapon and in a vile nasty manner.

You do not agree with his parenting - you are obviously so superior - but you still wanted this man to be the parent of your child.

You forced one of his DCs out of their home rather than address the issues as a family - because that is what you are. Those men are paedophiles and you did nothing?!!!!!! Sorry - I would have reported it to the police- then the child coudl get some serious help she requires.

Your comments are so nasty, so vicious and you come across as so sanctimonious it is sad for the children involved.

How dare you I was the one who found the phone! She had her phone taken from us because she was bullying. She was given a phone and told to hide it from her dad . It's only because I had a feeling she was hiding something that I found it! Her father took the phone from me and gave it back to the grandmother . She wiped the content. I wanted to contact the police it was taken out of my control!

I am a good mum . I love and care for my son with all my heart. i chose to be a mum with my partner because he has a heart of gold, he admitted he hadn't been the best parent to the girls and a little lazy with them. You are judging unfairly. The elder child was given the choice and she chose to go to her mums in the end.

I was the only person to actually give a dam about what the girl was doing. Yes I should have taken the phone to the police but it was snatched from me by my partner. Excuse me for trying to take care of my newborn throughout all this shit . I won't be posting again.

You're a mum and you want the best for your child, and that's wonderful, however, you seem to be brewing an unhealthy level of resentment that is clouding your judgement and as a result, is pushing people away from you.

You blame your partner's parents, but they have probably gathered how you feel about his DD, in the way we, strangers, have picked up here, which makes them not like you very much and the need to over-compensate.

All this probably comes from you feeling rejected, so you're stuck in a spiral of emotions. Concentrate on trying to be nice to his DD and feel happy for her whilst you continue to be a good mum to your DS and then put some perspective into it all. So what if they spoil her more than your DS? It is their right to do so, and it's no different to what happens in many families. Your son started life on a higher pedestal than the girls with being able to share every day of his life with two parents who loves him very much, so you could argue that if any child is getting a more favourable treatment, it's him.

Take deep breath and maybe take a step back.

I dare because you posted on here , in such an aggressive judgemental manner on 2 people who have had a difficult time not of their making. She was doing wrong but it was harming your son.

Your son is your priority which is absolutely fine but you quite clearly want the other DCS gone and are finding every excuse you know to build your case, feed your resentment - these girls are not going away they are your sons sisters end of done finished. By the way - the grooming happened in their home, of which you are one of the resident adults - your DP had a responsibility to his daughter he failed.

The nuclear family you want is not going to happen and good on the grandparents and their father for realising this. Do not agree with the not going to the police.

I stand by my comments.

sorry was not harming your son

He kept them to hurt her. I only realised this when I had been here quite a while

This is a man with a 'heart of gold' you say?
No wonder he neglected to teach his dc the basics of hygiene and personal grooming.
No wonder he didn't give a shit about his dc being groomed online by paedophiles.

Tell me - what kind of father would ignore the content of the phone or refuse to report it to the police?
He chose the 'easy' option of sweeping it under the rug and getting rid of his child instead of actually PARENTING her.

And you still think the sun shines out of his arse and decided to have a dc with him!

Despite all this the only thing you are bothered about is whether your dc gets the same materialistic crap that the other two get?

I'm sorry but he sounds like a terrible father and I think you would be better off without him. He kept hold of two children that he couldn't be bothered to parent properly to spite their mother then punished one of them for being abused by sending her away.

He's disgusting. What if you displease him in some way and he decides to take your child? I would be putting as much distance as possible between him and my child if I were you.

What splendide'says. Sounds like he has a "heart of spite" not a "heart of gold".

Why would anyone fight to keep children that they know they can't raise properly just to spite an ex partner?

Does it not disgust you to sleep next to someone who has done such an awful thing?

Please please don't push the issue of biology with your SD. DP has two DSDs and they found out he wasn't their bio dad when their mother dropped it into conversation one day when she was feeling particularly spiteful. The fallout was devastating, for the girls most of all.

Your focus on biological / non biological is cruel and unhelpful.

Likewise, your comparison between the cost of the gifts given to teenage girls (who enjoy things like clothes!) and a baby/toddler (who would be happy with a cardboard box and has no need for expensive things) is mean spirited.

Your son has many advantages that his older sisters (yes, sisters, regardless of DNA) do not. Perhaps grandmother wants to cherish these girls to make up for what they don't have. The oldest especially has been through a lot.

These girls are not 'baggage' they are children, and you knew about them when you got with their Dad.

If I was their grandmother, I'd take an extra interest in them as well. It's certainly clear they aren't getting any warmth or kindness from you.

oh and sending DD1 away so you can 'enjoy' your newborn son is despicable.

DD1 is just as important as your son, OP.

If you wanted to have your PFB in a perfect calm environment solely focused on the needs of one baby- then you should have partnered with a childless man.

Your poor step daughters, no wonder they have low self esteem and are looking in the wrong places for attention.

Silver I don't think it's right to cast one child aside though just because of the fact that he is lucky to have his parents still together. The op's ds hasn't done anything wrong just like the girls haven't and he should be shown the same love from family members. Showing "extra interest" as you put it, will just create new problems within the family and it makes the grandmother look just as bad as the op for playing with children's lives. It's pathetic.