Not even sure why I'm posting - no one can help

[MycatsaPirate]

Dp and I have been living together for 5 years. We have 2 dc each, all girls. His 22 and 14, mine 19 and 11. My two live with us although oldest is living away at uni most of the time. His oldest lives with her bf a couple of hours away and his youngest lives with her mum and mum's partner about an hour away.

Dp and his ex finally got divorced four years ago, it was messy and got very acrimonious and after it was finalised she moved away to live with her partner, taking their DD with them (who was 11 at the time). At that point contact started getting sporadic and then stopped with communication between Dp and his DD just grinding to a halt despite his attempts otherwise. I've posted about this a few times in an effort to find a way to help him break through.

This morning he was told that his ex is dying. This is imminent. He went over to mutual friends to see both his DD's. Everyone was then going to see his ex but his exes partner said DP was not able to go. Both dp and I think he should have been able to go as it would be good for their DD's to have him there. His ex is in a coma and not expected to wake :( (Long term illness not accident).

There was also brief discussion about what will happen to DSD2 after her mum dies and his oldest was very vocal about her living with an aunt/uncle while I suspect DSD2 would rather stay where she is. Dp says DSD2 didn't really say anything while he was there, she was trying to watch something on TV and probably just wanted to blot out all the stuff going on around her.

He is going to mutual friends tomorrow to take both his DDs out but I've suggested he only takes DSD2 as DSD1 can be quite loud and forceful with her opinions. She tends to shout others down if they differ in opinion and really DSD2 doesn't need to be shouted down right now, she needs to be listened to.

My heart breaks for DSD2. Both my parents died when I was 6 (very suddenly) and I know exactly how she is going to feel and how hard it is going to be for her without her mum. I wish I could wave a magic wand for her and fix it all.

Mostly I am worried about her future. She used to want to go to uni and train to be a teacher. Her grades are amazing, she is a very bright girl but recently she has decided to be an actress with her back up plan being in a band. I am worried that living with her mum's partner will not be a good idea, he has brain damage and hates arguments, he will take the path of least resistance with her even if it's not in her best interests.

While her living with her aunt and uncle could be a good idea (local to us and her aunt is fabulous), the grandparents are ill and reliant on the aunt for care. She also holds down a full time job and I am unsure how she would get DSD2 to school and have time for her on top of everything else. The uncle is also ill and has been in and out of hospital (transplant/tumours).

I don't know whether DSD2 would come to us. My oldest is willing to give up her bedroom to ensure DSD2 has her own room and share with her sister when she is at home. But the relationship between DSD2 and her dad has broken down so much over the last few years that I honestly don't think it would be an option in her eyes.

Sorry for the huge ramble. I need to collate my thoughts. I just feel so down and sad today. There's nothing I can do, I feel that there may be a big fight in the family over where DSD goes ultimately and I honestly don't know what to even think right now.

Thanks for reading.

DP is the father of THEIR child and imo had every right to share that information. When DP was in intensive care it didn't stop her sharing that information or the fact that DD was prevented from going to see him by the hospital me. But I don't want an argument about that, the point was his DSD1 is looking to start a fight with anyone and everyone at the moment and it's not something anyone needs. Least of all the parents of the four children whose house she was in when she was screaming down the phone at us in turn. Additionally one of her close friends did a similar post and tagged his ex and my dp and both their DD's into it which was the main reason people found out. Most of dp's friends are no longer friends with his ex and vice versa. The mutual ones already knew.

Dp saw ex BIL tonight and has come home and told me that:

Ex knew she was terminal in January but told no one except her partner, sister and bil. Not even her DD knew.
His DD is having counselling about all sorts of stuff - no clear details on that but it's an ongoing thing. We had no idea.

His DD is 'disappointed and feels let down' by DP because he never phones her. Now this is categorically NOT true as he has phoned repeatedly and is either told she is not in or doesn't want to talk to him. The one and only time she came to the phone to talk to him was to tell him what she wanted for her birthday.

Also that he has made no effort to see her (again, not true, repeatedly asked her to come here, go on a day out with just DP or all of us, for him to go and see her, he has been to parents night and offered to take her to dinner - every single one refused). He has also gone to see her every Monday at a hobby both her and my youngest do and even on weeks that mine hasn't gone he has still gone down to see her.

Ex bil is now going to see if he can arrange for DP to go to a counselling session with his DD to see if they can very gently work their way through these issues.

He has been advised by others in the family/friends circle to keep trying to phone her, others have told him to back off and let her come to him - he has tried both, left it over a month with no calls to see if she would respond to his silence but she didn't. He also texts but gets no replies.

He was hoping to see her before she went on holiday tomorrow but it's unlikely that will happen as she will be getting picked up from stepdads house and considering the reaction he got the last time he called, he's not going to inflame an already tense situation.

DP is the father of THEIR child and imo had every right to share that information

Sorry I don't think he had a right to share that information on Facebook - he could've messaged people or called them -
If his daughter has seen it and it's more than likely she'd have been upset -

I think you and your DP are very much centred on what you want and not what DD wants - it's far to early to ask her to make decisions

He does not have his DD on facebook, only DD1.

We haven't asked DD2 to make any decisions. We haven't even talked to her about the future. All we have done so far is given her hugs and told her we are always here for her.

Our only concerns are for her. Ex bil told us that DD only has one or two friends at her new school (where she has been for two years) and spends most of her time on her own, in her room. She's 14 and that's not very healthy. She doesn't talk to anyone much and that concerns me. Bottling up things is not healthy.

We want what is best for her. For her mental wellbeing, for her future education and for her happiness. Whether that is with us, her stepdad or her aunt and uncle is to be decided but whatever is the best decision FOR HER is the one we will go with. DP just needs to know that wherever she goes the doors of communication are open and he will be part of her life.

I can't imagine anyone on here not having their child living with them would be happy for them to be left with an adult who is not their parent and who refuses contact. Dp is doing and has done everything he can for her for her entire life. He did not want her to be taken away and he didn't want contact to be stopped. He also decided not to take the legal route for the wellbeing of his ex who was ill but with hindsight he wonders if that was the right decision.

If he had taken her to court while battling cancer would it have gone against him? Or would it have been the right decision? Ex was in and out of hospital and the hospice and he did not want to add stress to a situation which was already stressful for everyone.

Yet again, it seems dads can't do right for doing wrong.

There seem to be a lot of people weighing in, but it also seems likely that your DH is the only one with any authority to actually make any decisions. Step dad, big sister, nil, aunts and uncles... none of these people can ultimately decide anything.

He is this child's father, her mother is dead. Why is he making phone calls and letting others tell him he can't see her? He seems to have been very passive and very reluctant to fight to see her. I understand it would have been inappropriate in the last few months to start a war over it, but what happened before that? His DD is telling you that she feels he hasn't tried - and, from her perspective, he hasn't.

It's an incredibly difficult situation and I know you're trying to tread carefully, but be sure 'we're here if you want us' isn't being heard as 'We aren't going to make any effort.'

Dp's ex moved just after their divorce. We saw DSD twice in that first six month period and then contact stopped. DP repeatedly tried to see his DD but then his ex was diagnosed with cancer and anytime he called he got the stepdad on the phone and was told DD wasn't there and ex was too ill to talk. He was stonewalled from day 1 and with ex in and out of hospital and the hospice and getting treatment it was hard to know what on earth to do.

Last night DSD1 rang him again. She spent an hour shouting at him and telling him he wasn't making enough effort. DSD2 is on holiday with family friends (something arranged months ago and she still wanted to go and it was agreed that it was best rather than sitting around waiting for the funeral which won't take place for a few weeks yet). So DP has texted her Friday, Saturday and Sunday to say 'thinking of you, love you' etc and has had no response.

So DSD1 decided she would ring DSD2 last night and ended up shouting at her and DSD2 crying and saying DSD1 had ruined her holiday and she doesn't want to speak to Dp and just to leave her alone. Then DSD1 rang back again and shouted at dp again and also spent a lot of time blaming me - no reasons given just generally blaming me for everything. She also started going on about her own mum and how dp didn't 'rescue' her from her mum.

The result of all this is that we have decided that DSD1 has issues which she is projecting onto DSD2. DSD2 doesn't dislike me, I have spent time with her at the hobby my DD2 goes to and we get on fine. The issue is her and her dad and we don't know why, no one seems to know why.

Dp has made is clear that communication needs to be made to sort this out but while DSD2 is away on holiday that's impossible, so he is just going to keep texting day to say he loves her and when she comes back and the funeral is over, then he will try and sort out this utter mess.

His ex admitted in a call at Christmas that she had turned their DD away from seeing her dad because in her view dp hadn't shown enough care to her during her cancer diagnosis. Dp originally spent an hour on the phone to his ex when she rang to tell him, crying. He listened and talked to her but by the end of the call she was screaming abuse at him about me, saying I was a benefit cheat and only after his money, that I was a gold digger and he would regret ever being with me. (I had more money than dp and I am disabled if that make's it any clearer).

He is now in two minds to whether just inform her school she won't be coming back in september and getting her a place here. I honestly don't know if that's a good idea or not and nor does he but it seems that's the only way to try and sort this out. Short of going down the legal route which would involve mediation and I can't see DSD or stepdad agreeing to that at the moment.

I'm just skimming through this post here & frankly I'm bewildered.
Your Dp is the legal guardian of these two girls - I'm assuming this as he is the acknowledged father. That being the case NO ONE has the right to stop him talking to his children. Even if dsd 1 wants to stay with her stepdad, he (the stepdad) has no right to deny communication between your Dp & his daughter! It is also not up to the ex bil to arrange counselling - that's your Dps job! Why is everyone else getting so involved?
Furthermore why did dsd1 stay with a woman who wasn't her mum as opposed to living with her dad?

It's a dreadful situation for all concerned & to be honest I wouldn't be letting dsd2 make her own decisions at this point - she's just lost her mum & doesn't know which way is up. Why on earth was she let off with family friends at a time like this? - surely she needs her family & not a holiday!