Can I make it better?

[Fianceechickie]

Does anyone have a consistently positive relationship with their DP's ex wife? My DH's relationship with his ex wife is just awful. It causes so much stress to all concerned. If so, how have you achieved it? I'm not in direct contact with her but do see her occasionally when I pick up the DSCs. She's never said a cross word to my face but has been pretty awful in texts. Should I teach our to her? Getting so fed up with the constant clashes between them over text, the lack of communication, the lack of respect, no value being placed on our views, point scoring, blame and recriminations and pettiness. They've been apart 6 years now and we have been together 5. They're as bad as me and my ex H were when we first split (we're good now though). Am really getting to the end of my tether.

It doesn't sound like anything you say could make a difference, so I would stay away from her to protect your own sanity.

How is DP now? Is he back to full strength and able to deal with her?

The most important things here iare making sure the DCs are ok and making sure the DCs see their dad. The rest is nonsense, to be ignored as much as possible. I know it's hurtful, destructive and unrelenting nonsense but it's still nonsense.

Do you have holiday contact coming up?

I assume you have a record of dates when contact didn't happen, for whatever reason. Would DP consider going back to court to enforce the order?

Yes we do, it's all in text messages. I've said that to him that we need to make a written record and consider legal action but he reckons that they'll just tell him he'll have to go to mediation which last time cost £150 an hour and she didn't keep to it anyway. He is back to full strength yes but is also deeply affected by anything relating to her and the kids. I think you might be right. I may be on to a loser trying to build bridges with her. DH reckons is a waste of time.

Maybe ask on the Legal board about enforcement of court orders? It might be worth giving facts like she has cancelled 10 out of 50 contact dates over the last 6 months, to give an idea of the frequency. I'm not a legal expert so I don't know what would happen if you went back to court, but it sounds like she hasn't been sticking to it for a while, so I doubt anything you say would make a difference. Time to seek professional help or self-represent? He could try contacting her directly (recorded delivery letter) offering to go to mediation before he goes back to court. Courts generally like to see efforts have been made to sort things out before going back there.

It's tough to be caught up in a conflict that's not of your making. This has been going on for a long long time and it doesn't sound like it's within your power to change the relationship dynamic. You could put that time and energy into something else.

I have to agree that reaching out to her would be a bad idea. I'm in a similar situation, and I'm very confident that me suggesting the same to my DP's ex would be met only with hostility. She doesn't want to improve things with me (or with my DP), as she's not done being angry yet.

I can see parallels with their financial situation- my DP is trying to reach an agreement but she's not doing anything to move things forward as she simply doesn't want them to move forward. She's not ready to move on yet, and she doesn't want him to either.

As I see it, all I can do is wait it out and support him where he needs it. And, as someone else has already suggested, it's not always a good idea for your DP to share what nasty things she says/writes- it doesn't help you, and it doesn't actually mean much anyway as it's not personal. I could be the perfect 'step-parent' and she'd still have the same issues, so I don't need to know.