Can I make it better?

[Fianceechickie]

Does anyone have a consistently positive relationship with their DP's ex wife? My DH's relationship with his ex wife is just awful. It causes so much stress to all concerned. If so, how have you achieved it? I'm not in direct contact with her but do see her occasionally when I pick up the DSCs. She's never said a cross word to my face but has been pretty awful in texts. Should I teach our to her? Getting so fed up with the constant clashes between them over text, the lack of communication, the lack of respect, no value being placed on our views, point scoring, blame and recriminations and pettiness. They've been apart 6 years now and we have been together 5. They're as bad as me and my ex H were when we first split (we're good now though). Am really getting to the end of my tether.

Sounds like unfinished business. I periodically lose it with my ex - but many years down the line I have never had the opportunity it's to say what I would like to. Mediation might be helpful?

I'm the ex but I get on well with ex's new wife. She's lovely. It was her who reached out to me - I was grateful.

You might be right Jane. DH and I were saying that the other day. Even though she ended the marriage, it's as if he still looms too large in her life. Don't get why she would want to bother expending so much energy getting at him. He's so frequently made tense and uptight, even fearful. I'm getting really worried about the effect it's having on him, and on me and the children too. I don't know if I should contact her and ask to meet her, try to talk it through woman to woman so to speak. I had illusions when we first got together that we would be friends but as soon as we got together, my name was brought up in texts, I was pulling DH's strings, upsetting the children, feeding them the wrong thing, she told people the kids had first met me in bed with their dad. We've had all the 'she's not their mother' stuff so I've just never been in direct touch with her. The children also give her chapter and verse about what happened at ours.

They did try mediation twice, once when they first broke up and again about a year after splitting and both were a waste of time. She kept to the agreements for a while but they soon went by the by. It costs a lot of money too.

What are the main issues?

@NC4now i have wanted to reach out to my OH's ex but have only had opinions saying I shouldn't. Sorry to hijack thread but interested to know the how's and what's regarding the reach out??

At the moment its issues stemming from the children's medical issues which I've posted about before. DSD12 has multiple allergies which aren't totally defined and she's on strong meds for which don't always work. She also has frequent nausea and heartburn. DSS10 has frequent stomach pain and just generally feeling ill so at the moment it's all centred around what is triggering their symptoms and how they should be treated when ill, school attendance, contact visits etc. Mum feels that they are caused by medical conditions that are, despite dozens of GP visits and quite a few hospital appointments, not yet diagnosed properly, triggered by things we do, don't do, foods we give them etc and that they should be kept off school, miss contact visits. We feel there may be an anxiety element to some of it, that they should attend more and not miss contact visits, be encouraged to get on with their lives. Previously it has been contact time, holiday arrangements, money, clothes, sleeping arrangements, differing expectations of the children. All the usual stuff I guess. If it's not one thing, it's another.

They'd been together a long time before we met, and I remarried first, which probably helped. We'd met in passing a few times, then there was a DC family occasion and we both went. She gave me her phone number and said she knows ex isn't great at replying to messages but I can always contact her if he hasn't replied. We're both really chatty and have similar views on life (I guess ex has a type) so if I drop the kids off we'll have a brew, or if I've any worries about things at theirs (rare) I'll call or text her.
We're friends on Facebook so if I post something good about either of my kids, she'll leave an encouraging comment, but doesn't post about them herself, which is nice as I don't feel like she's treading on my toes.
We're not in each other's pockets best mates although I suspect if we'd met through work we'd be friends anyway, but we're friendly enough. We've been for coffee wine when I was having a particularly tricky time with one of the DCs.

I do consider myself lucky that my DCs have such a nice stepmum.

Sorry that was to @nutcase

That's what I want!!!

I guess some of it has to do with moving on, and some has to do with personality.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a tentative approach or friend request, but not everyone feels ready or secure enough to accept.

DH thinks part of the problem is she's never found anyone else. The children are her only focus in life. Her parents signed their home over to her and so they all live together.

That's what I want!!!

What about the ex? What might she want? You're right, all the angst is no good for anyone but what then? I would personally refuse to meet my ex's new partners - no interest in them whatsoever. Some of them have been lovely. Others not so. I don't need a personal relationship with them, nice or otherwise. I don't deliberately go out of my way to cause problems, but my life is my own and I don't need nor want any more 'friends'. Bonkers idea!

For me it's about having a useful link with their dad. I get on ok with him but he's not the greatest communicator, so it's good to have someone who actually replies to messages and listens if I have a concern.
Agree though, if the ex doesn't want a relationship you just have to accept that.
If you want one, it needs to be genuinely supportive.

I am all for opening up lines of communication but I think you'd be putting yourself in the firing line if you approach her. The fact that she has been polite to you in person but nasty by text is a bad sign.

Sounds like you are getting really fed up with it and want to intervene to improve it. Your intervention could go either way though.

I know it might be the opposite of what you're thinking but maybe stepping back would help? For example, how do you know she has been nasty about you by text? Was it a text to your DP? If so, why did he tell you? Her opinion of you doesn't matter. If you don't see her often and she's ok with you in person, it actually doesn't matter if you know what she thinks of you. It's not personal. Her opinion of you is based on the fact that you're with her ex, not on who you are as a person. Let DP manage the conflict without you.

You could help DP by deciding which battles to fight and establishing some consistent messages , then step away. Offering to go to mediation is a good idea. She may reject the offer, but it's worth offering anyway. DP should probably try to get to the DCs medical appointments.

I know it's hard not to get caught up in the conflict, but years could go by and you might still be stuck in the same situation. A lot of energy can get wasted on conflict.

If DP is seeing the DCs regularly, that is the main thing here. I can't remember there is a contact order in place here but you might need one.

Jane The feeling is most probably mutual.

Remaining civil is important for the children, being friends isn't for everyone.

OP - I could have written that!
My Dps ex is exactly the same & it's exhausting for everyone concerned.
I too initially thought reaching out might help but I rethought that & didn't, as I feel if someone is that caught up in their own misery nothing I say is going to make any difference.
My Dp really tries not to involve me but there are weeks when I just know he's after receiving another barrage of awful txts - over nothing - and try as he will to ignore it it does get to him. There is NO ONE else on the planet any of us would accept such abuse from but because there are kids involved many of us get stuck in situations where we are on the receiving end of verbal & emotional abuse for years.
If your dh has court ordered access in place I would advise you to encourage him to go to a solicitor & get him/her to issue the ex with an intent to go to court to tackle her abusive behaviour unless it stops immediately.

It does sound like she is very angry & hasn't really ending the marriage in her head. She may not have wanted him but it sounds like no one else is allowed have him - in her head.

Should also add that I have a good relationship with my exes Dp even though she was the OW - we're not buddies but we're civil. I decided to get on with my life & chose to be civil to her to make my kids' lives easier. That being said I maintain a healthy distance - for my own sanity

The only way you contacting her for a talk could make things better is if 'talking involved also listening. If your intention is to get HER to listen to you tell her how miserable she is making you OH, the kids and you, it is likely to only make things worse.

If you are prepared to meet with her to listen to her issues and suggest ways forward that would suit her too then go for it.

When I first met my partner his ex demanded (in a drunken text at 3am) that she meet me as she had "reservations about the relationship". I should have ran a mile then... I met her and we had a lovely coffee and a chat for a couple of hours, exchanged numbers and she adds me on Facebook - big mistake! She was just being a nosy cow and within a couple of weeks started sending nasty messages and spitting snide comments on FB. I deleted her and told her not to contact me again, and all stuff about the kids should go through their dad. She seemed to use me as a way of getting quick, to the point answers about arrangements but also used me as a verbal punch bag.

The less contact between current and ex the better IME

I don't know what to do for the best. I'm certainly not thinking of talking to her to explain how she's hurting DH that would be like a red rag to a bull and I'm not looking for friendship just want to reach a mutual understanding and maybe work out why she's still so combative. I don't think I could ever me friends with her and it would just be for the sake of DP who is hugely stressed by her and for the kids who have got issues too.

We do have a contact order btw but is frequently breached as the children don't always come if they're having symptoms. He does attend hospital apps if she tells him about them but not GP apps as he doesn't know beforehand and they are so frequent, literally one or the other is at the GP most weeks.

I have a great relationship with DP's ex. But it has always been that way: DP and his ex remained on good terms after the split, his ex's DH came along and got on well with DP, I then came along a bit later and just found it easy and natural to slot into everyone getting on well and being friendly to each other. We socialise as an extended family fairly often.

Your situation sounds tough OP, from what you've said your DH and his ex split acrimoniously, she remained angry towards him and seemingly was determined to dislike you from the start which is all the exact opposite to my situation. I'm really not sure how much you can do TBH except try to keep all communications calm, civil and non confrontational and hope that it all calms down a bit over time. Maybe it'll get better if she meets a new partner, I have heard of that happening though of course equally it could change nothing...

Do you ever naturally come into face to face contact with her yourself, like at drop offs or pick ups?

Yes occasionally at drop offs and pick ups. Almost always at hers though as she rarely drops off. It's always us.

I'd love your situation but yes ours is different. Their divorce was as acrimonious as you get. The psychological abuse she put DH through drove him to the brink of suicide.