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Original poster

Change to access(Again)

28 replies

36plusandtrying · 07/07/2017 03:05

Hi all,

My DH ex partner has requested another change to when SS stays with us. For the first time in a long time everyone seems really settled in the routine. I can see why she wants to change from eew to every week fri, sat. But it is to do something that suit her and that isn't really of interest to my 9 year old SS. If we say no, WW3 will break out ! In the past we've agreed to many changes to routine, with little to no flex from her side. We haven't gone down the legal route as we can think of better ways to spend the money ! I am being wrong to dig my heels in and say no ? DH will say yes to avoid the drama and would be happy not to have such a big break in between visits. Any advice ?

OP posts:
swingofthings · 07/07/2017 11:30

What's her reasons? I've found that half of every weekend worked better for the kids as they got older and more committed to activities but that was for their benefit and because their dad wouldn't take them to these (or any really).

Chloecoconut · 07/07/2017 13:04

Is she meaning Friday night and Saturday night or Friday night them home on Saturday?

Original poster
36plusandtrying · 07/07/2017 13:47

Swing is see your point, but I spent years paying for swimming lessons for her to refuse to take him on her weekend. This activity is of no real benefit to him, but his attendance will save face for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
36plusandtrying · 07/07/2017 13:48

Chloe yes Friday, Saturday - return Sunday am.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 07/07/2017 14:15

Maybe she misses him being away for a full weekend eow. We do one weekend a week and it works for us and DS doesn't go long period of not seeing his DF plus it gives us another day to do something. I don't see the issue here TBH surely it's something your dh and ex can discuss and work out?

Theresnonamesleft · 07/07/2017 14:18

So she wants the child to spend more time with his dad?

Underthemoonlight · 07/07/2017 14:20

. We haven't gone down the legal route as we can think of better ways to spend the money ! I am being wrong to dig my heels in and say no ? DH will say yes to avoid the drama and would be happy not to have such a big break in between visits

Surely that's money spent to get things in writing that been said it doesn't sound like she's being unreasonable, what I don't understand is why is it your decision? Why should you say no surely it's down to your dh with it being his access time and his child?

pigyoinkoinks · 07/07/2017 14:30

If your other half would be happy not to have such a big break between visits then surely it's a good thing for the child and his dad?

swingofthings · 07/07/2017 17:51

but I spent years paying for swimming lessons for her to refuse to take him on her weekend.
So indeed, wouldn't this arrangement work better so you could take them swimming every weekend? And why are YOU paying for this?

heidiwine · 07/07/2017 17:56

I get you. We had this for years and the reality was that it was to facilitate DPs ex wife's social life. It didn't really work for the children who actually really value Friday night end of week chill/lazy Saturday at their mums house (where they spend most of their time). It also meant that they invariably had to get up earlier than usually to feed one of the many animals left at their mums when she went away.
The arrangement eventually fizzled out but we agreed to it. We always had a pick your battles mentality... and we've never really picked a battle cause we're too scared of the consequences (not seeing the kids). Now I realise that another consequence is being seen as a pushover by the kids. It's a no win!

Original poster
36plusandtrying · 07/07/2017 22:12

Pigy because in my opinion, a marriage is a partnership and it's not just up to my husband and SS to decide what and when suits them best.

OP posts:
Original poster
36plusandtrying · 07/07/2017 22:15

Swing To take him back to swimming would not be of as much value and he can now swim and we have a pool at the house so he can swim well. He also now plays football on a Saturday. I paid because I'm a swimmer, DH and ex partner are not. I felt strongly that he should be taught properly so I used my "pocket money" so to speak to pay for it.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 07/07/2017 22:18

Well actually it is what's best for both of them not what's best for you. What's the issue? What would happen if his DM passed away would you be funny about him living full time with you? It's his son.

Original poster
36plusandtrying · 07/07/2017 22:19

Under shouldn't it be a joint decision, after 9 years I think I should have an opinion on how our weekends are spent. DH is frequently overseas through the week so I think I'm allowed to have a say as we often only see each other on weekends. Also an every Friday pick up impacts on me, DH often isn't back til late so I have to arrange pick up and he plays football Friday night so I have to be home with SS.

OP posts:
Original poster
36plusandtrying · 07/07/2017 22:23

Under you clearly have a chip on your shoulder. Shouldn't it be what's best for all of us? (Btw SS wants to keep the current arrangement)

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 08/07/2017 03:39

You just said further up how it would benefit both your dh and your ss? Your dh could have sat day time and night and bring him back Sunday to avoid the Friday issue it's your whole atttiude about it comes across abit off with me. Regardless if you only see your dh at weekends you knew he had a child when you got with him.

swingofthings · 08/07/2017 06:57

That was very generous of you to pay for swimming lessons, which really is a life saving skill and one most parents consider a must.

Is the request anything to do with his football training on Saturday? Is this something he signed up to with his dad and mum doesn't want to take him?

MrsDc7 · 08/07/2017 07:06

Yes OP it should be what suits you all best as a family. Not just what suits DH's exp. It's ridiculous when people think that if you marry someone with a child you have to bow down and arrange your life solely around what suits the child and child's mother. It's about being a family and working out a happy medium for everyone

CircleofWillis · 08/07/2017 07:46

Does she want to take him to church every Sunday?

Perhaps you could compromise with 3 weekends a month. That way you would have one weekend to have quality alone time together plus a full day every Sunday. However your SS is part of your intimate family group. If he lived with you full time you wouldn't think of weekends with your SS as less time with your DH.

FlyingJellyfishintheAttic · 08/07/2017 12:23

Agree with MrsDC. Families are about everybody being equal. Have the same issue with my own husband which has sadly contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.

kittensinmydinner1 · 08/07/2017 16:52

I couldn't think of a better way to spend your money quite frankly.
You have mentioned you have a pool at your house so assuming the £215 court application fee wouldn't be too onerous even with £200 mediation on top.
You absolutely do not need a lawyer. Vast majority of contact orders are not represented by lawyers these days. You already have access so that shouldn't be any issue - but you will get a child arrangements Order that sets out clearly when you see your SS. She cannot mess that around. It's a court order.

We did this because of constant one way demands 'to be flexible ' ....

Took control of our lives and no longer subject to the 'do what I say or you don't see the kids' attitude.

Best decision we made

Original poster
36plusandtrying · 09/07/2017 00:49

We don't live in the UK, I have always wanted to go the legal route as she frequently threatened stopping access. However this has calmed down a lot of late. I'm glad other see that it shouldn't just be up to her to decide what works best. Yes I was aware he had a child, however don't agree that should mean being dictated too for the rest of your life. DH has requested that we keep the arrangement as it currently stands and request an evening through the week too. So we will see if that works

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 09/07/2017 19:31

So she does by far the lions share of the parenting yet you begrudge her wanting what suits her better the small amount of time you do have ds? Hmm

You knew he had a child when you got together.

Underthemoonlight · 09/07/2017 19:42

Today 19:31 Willyoujustbequiet

So she does by far the lions share of the parenting yet you begrudge her wanting what suits her better the small amount of time you do have ds?

This with bells on!

kittensinmydinner1 · 09/07/2017 22:38

Oh do shut up with the 'you new what you were getting into' crap. All it does is show up that you aren't a step parent. If you were you wouldn't think of writing such trite shite

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