Perspective please ...

[Lilyloo456]

My partner has 2 daughters 5&3, we have them every other weekend and one evening for tea during the week. Also have them when we (usually me) can bank holidays and school holidays. I work full time in education and my partner is up at 5 am for his job. When we first got together ( 2 years ago) I helped as much as I could for her with childcare and helping with the girls. But she took advantage so I backed off as she seemed to expect me to have them whenever she asked. She is with a partner herself and is not a single parent. I find her to be very unreasonable concerning the girls and is always using them as weapons against my partner - he is too afraid to stand up to her as he's worried she will stop contact ( the older girl isn't biologically his) but she has now said she is changing the youngest ones nursery and she wants us to have them overnight during the week and to take them to school etc as she doesnt have enough "me" time etc. Now my problem is it looks like I will be the one having to do the running around as my partners job is not flexible- which I'm pretty annoyed about - I feel she is taking the piss and whenever she says jump she expects us to say how high. Am I being unreasonable in this? Or is she? Help x

It is not unreasonable for the next to expect her childrenson father to actually parent his children, no. How do you think she manages nursery drop offs etc the rest of the week? It is unreasonable your partner expects you to do his parenting for him.

As an asidea, you seem to expect her partner to help out? If so, why shouldn't you?

Your being unreasonable TBH If your having a midweek access I would expect it to be overnight as standard that's part of having it as it includes putting them to bed and then taking them to school. My ex has the same level of access and he has arrangements for work to collect my DS from school on a Tuesday OW and one week his DW gets DS the same with taking him to school he used to go to breakfast club however not at the moment his DW is on mat leave so takes him in. He is seen as part of their unit aswell as mine so arrangements are made as they would with their own child. On occasion where he just went for his tea was when he had been in hospital and was unable to drive so I dropped him off and picked him up. It's easy for him to submit a flexiable working form for that one day.

Also in the past when I've been working my DH has had no hesitation in taking DS and collecting for him school even before we had DC with each as we are family unit.

I do more than my fair share as a step mum!
And yes that's my point. I think my partner should do more to parent. But the reality is he's going to ha e to change his job to help out more ( which to be fair he needs to do) so the sensible option would be for me to try and work my job around it. I'm not here to bitch about her. I was a single parent myself for 8 years with NO help from my children's dad which is why I helped her in the first place. I'm just asking for other people opinions

Plus she works 16 hours a week choosing to work at weekends so has plenty of time for school runs etc

I think on the days they are with you then it's fine to expect you and your dp to get them to school/nursery. But on his ex's days it's her responsibility. Therefore there needs to be a fair balance. She can't expect you to have them all week just so she can have me time.
If you start having them overnight every night then presumably he will become the resident parent and will claim maintenance from her? Has she thought about that?

If it's more overnight stays won't that reduce the amount of maintenance he needs to pay? Might that then help with him finding a more flexible job?

Doesn't matter what she works, there's two parents here and he isn't stepping up to the mark. It isn't about doing all the fun stuff at the weekend. Being a parent includes doing the mundane things including school runs and drop offs. You don't get just check out of it. It's very easy to have them over for tea and send them back. His ex might want to do a college course on an evening go to the gym,do a hobby and is unable to whilst your dp is able to come and go as he pleases on the evenings. She's asking for one day during the week that's hardly much is it? Your getting defensive because you don't like the answers. You don't need a medal to be a step parent but it doesn't sound like you see them as part of family unit otherwise one day wouldn't be a problem. If I was the ex I would just drop the mid week tea time.

I think it's just the one overnight. Probably on the day they come for tea .

So how do other parents at your DH's work manage? He should at the very least put in a flexible working request to see if he can take his children to school one day a week. If they say no then, yes, you should take them if you can. The more people who ask for flexible working the more employers will realise it's a way of attracting and retaining employees, and will try to accommodate it.

How often do you have them at the moment OP? How much more does she want you to have them? Sorry I'm getting confused here.

By the sounds of it she wants to increase the midweek tea time to overnight which is pretty standard

I'm not getting defensive
At the moment we have them every other weekend plus a afternoon for tea once a week plus a week in the summer holidays and 3 bank holidays

I thought she wanted them to have the children every night during the week.
If it's one or two nights during the week then that seems fine to me.

Ideally you ought to be aiming for approximately half the time by the time they are at primary school, so it's something you and your DH need to work out how best to manage between you sooner or later- using breakfast/after school clubs in 'your time' if need be.

Can I ask what happens for the other weeks of the summer holidays plus all the other holidays? Seems like very few tbh.

I think your dp should look at seeing if he can work his job around it. But if not he needs to find a solution whether that be you or someone else. It's not your problem but he is also a parent.

Is he the only parent in his work place?

How do the rest of them manage?

If the dc were yours together, you'd have to do it.

If you and he weren't together, he'd have to do it.

Either way it shouldn't all fall to her.

You do realise that's completely normal level of access and she is not remotely taking the piss like you described. She didn't just make the children by herself did she? Of course he should be as actively involved in the parenting of his DC.

My DS sees his DF midweek overnight
One day and night every weekend
2weeks during the holidays(would like more)
Extra days at Christmas/ Easter
Bank holidays.

His DW mucks in when needed to because she supports her dp just like my dp mucks in when needed to with DS and in fact all the DC in our family.

Ok. Thanks for all your opinions everyone :)

The problem is by wanting to make a good impression at first, you've set a precedence which you are now not happy about. It's never a good idea to do too much to start with because people assume this is what you want to do and therefore label you as 'difficult' when you then decide you're not getting what you want out of it, be it appreciation.

There is no right or wrong as to how involve a SP should be, it's about what works for all however, it helps when this remains consistent.

So no, it's not acceptable that she should decide that what used to be evening contact should become overnight especially when it is causing trouble in the morning and it shouldn't be assumed that you can do the drop offs because it's on your way to work.

Similarly, it's not unreasonable to expect you to look after them during some school holidays if you've said in the past that you were happy to do since you are not working. That also depending on whether it is to help the mother during what would be her contact or your OH during his.

Sorry should have stated we live 20 minutes away from them so their school/ nursery isnt on the way to our jobs and when we/I have them
In the summer holidays it's involved me taking annual leave to accommodate this which I haven't minded. However as I said I find she does move the goal posts all the time and changes days / times to suit her. For example she went to Australia for 3 weeks with her boyfriend and we happily had the girls all three weekends. However when we went away and asked her to swap the weekend they were due to stay at ours she point blank refused to compromise. I'm not a nasty person or a bitter girlfriend and have more than changed my life to provide these girls with a happy home and I make sure their time with us is spent happy. I'm not happy with how their mum treats them as bargaining tools and expects us to do everything she says. If we don't she brings out the whole " well don't have them at all then" speech

You (your partner) is covering one week of six in the summer.

She went on holiday and their other parent had them for the weekend only.

Seriously? Your partner needs to step up and parent. That is what you need to be telling him. None of this has anything to do with his ex and her demands.,

@Janeismymiddlename we HAPPILY had them three weekends when she went away yet she was unwilling to compromise when we went away.
Having the girls is NOT the issue yet it seems I'm being tarnished as the bad one here. Like I said thanks for all your opinions. Just wanted to get some others points of view.

She is entitled to go away on holiday and even then you just covered the weekends. Your dp is not doing near enough his fair share of caring for his dc. The weekend you may have wanted to change might not have been convient for her or her dc. Your slagging her off but she is doing there majority of the parenting with very little support from yourselves other than moaning at the inconvenience of looking after the poor girls they aren't a commodity they are your dp dc.

@Underthemoonlight not once have I said they are an inconvenience!