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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Perspective please ...

50 replies

Lilyloo456 · 02/07/2017 10:20

My partner has 2 daughters 5&3, we have them every other weekend and one evening for tea during the week. Also have them when we (usually me) can bank holidays and school holidays. I work full time in education and my partner is up at 5 am for his job. When we first got together ( 2 years ago) I helped as much as I could for her with childcare and helping with the girls. But she took advantage so I backed off as she seemed to expect me to have them whenever she asked. She is with a partner herself and is not a single parent. I find her to be very unreasonable concerning the girls and is always using them as weapons against my partner - he is too afraid to stand up to her as he's worried she will stop contact ( the older girl isn't biologically his) but she has now said she is changing the youngest ones nursery and she wants us to have them overnight during the week and to take them to school etc as she doesnt have enough "me" time etc. Now my problem is it looks like I will be the one having to do the running around as my partners job is not flexible- which I'm pretty annoyed about - I feel she is taking the piss and whenever she says jump she expects us to say how high. Am I being unreasonable in this? Or is she? Help x

OP posts:

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Matilda2013 · 02/07/2017 13:24

You take one week of annual leave and there's six weeks summer holidays and two at Easter, one at October and two at Christmas at least. What is your partner contributing to this?

Matilda2013 · 02/07/2017 13:26

Oh and I'm posting as a step mum. We have dsd every weekend not through the week often as we live too far from school (but if needed we make arrangements). And we do half of the school holidays all year

Somerville · 02/07/2017 13:34

I don't understand why you're taking annual leave when his Dc are with you in holidays, and not their father. It's fair enough for you tonne annoyed about that - he should parent his own children.

CrazedZombie · 02/07/2017 13:35

I agree with the others that your partner needs to be doing more parenting.

Btw- when people criticize your partner, they aren't criticizing you. You (you the individual) are doing more than your fair share but you need to be clear about where your boundaries lie so that your partner and his ex aren't taking the piss. You mention looking after them during the holidays and for 3 weekends in a row. If you don't want to do this then you need to make sure that your partner is taking up the slack. Agreeing to it and moaning about it is unfair to everyone.
(Ie No need to be a martyr)

Berthatydfil · 02/07/2017 13:44

The children are your partners responsibility.
If he is letting you take up all the slack then your issue is with him not his ex.
HE should cover half of the school holidays with HIS annual leave and HE should arrange to take them to school if they have an overnight with you.
You shouldn't be expected to take this on or be vilified for not wanting to do it or at least not wanting to do ALL of it.

justtiredofcoping · 02/07/2017 14:06

26 weekends
1 week
3 bank holidays
and 2 hrs for tea each week.

Not a pop at you OP but that is quite frankly not enough and your DP needs to get his act together.

Your DP is not the problem - she is right they should stay ON in the week and your DP should sort it out. Stop having a go at her - your DP is the problem. Typical man - life carries on with very little adaptation but expects the women from the before and after to accommodate his needs.

justtiredofcoping · 02/07/2017 14:07

Sorry your DP IS the problem - small typo!

swingofthings · 02/07/2017 17:42

we HAPPILY had them three weekends when she went away yet she was unwilling to compromise when we went away.
It all depends on her reasons for saying no. If she'd already made plans to be away when you wanted to swap, that would be fair enough, same if you wanted them a week-end when she'd planned on taking them to a wedding for instance.

if she said no out of principle, then you know where you stand and next time say no too. There's a big step from saying no and her being unhappy about it and her refusing to let them come to you.

swingofthings · 02/07/2017 17:48

Unless DP said he was going to take the week off and OP said to him that she could do that if for instance she has more holiday than him so that he had enough left for them to go away.

OP doesn't seem cross with her OH so assuming the decision wasn't imposed on her.

Lunar1 · 02/07/2017 19:00

Wow, their dad had them one extra weekend. Did you have a dad of the year banner printed?

He is being unreasonable not parenting his children often enough.

You are not unreasonable but you are blaming the wrong person. Your partner needs to step up as a dad.

TaDah99 · 03/07/2017 12:16

To be honest Lilyloo456 there isn't much point asking for perspective on anything relating to SC in here as this board is frequently pursued by bitter ex's who obviously feel so hard done by, that they have to come in here and blast any stepmother and/or father who dares step out of line. I was in a similar situation to you, I did my best for my DP's children however whatever I did was never enough so in the end I stopped. I was not prepared to play games with a dick like that for the rest of my days. As a stepmother you are in a no-win situation, do too little and you are accused of not caring, do too much and you are lambasted by a jealous ex who clearly feels compromised by another women looking after her children. Every situation is different, it is unfortunate that your DP's job is not flexible but not everybody has the luxury of that - if he sought alternative employment or reduced his hours, earnt less money and payed less maintenance, would that be OK with her? Doubt it. See a pattern forming here? Yes, a no win situation. I would just carry on doing what you do and leave it at that and perhaps when she starts using the children as weapons then your DP could politely inform her that in this day and age, carrying on like that is classed as a form of child abuse and we all know where that gets you.

Matilda2013 · 03/07/2017 12:41

Tadah don't you think her dp should be doing more holidays etc? No one is saying she as step mum should do more herself. But her husband should be.

SteppingOnToes · 03/07/2017 13:19

I stepmum agree with PPs that your DP is the problem - he does need to step up. But for his own child only - why is he having contact time with a child that isn't his?

Childcare should not fall to you - we are told time and time again that contact time is for the children to spend time with their fathers, not the father's partner. Seems to suit when childcare can't be arranged though eh? Double standards in my opinion.

I think the DM needs to be careful - she can push for him to step up for his own child, but to expect him to step up for another man's child when they are not together any more - that's going too far...

SteppingOnToes · 03/07/2017 13:23

No one is saying she as step mum should do more herself. But her husband should be

Someone did - said as a family unit she should be doing her share too (not a direct quote)

SteppingOnToes · 03/07/2017 13:24

OP - I am confused as to why he didn't have them the whole time they were on holiday. To just have them at weekend seems weird - no wonder she didn't want to cover your weekend. But then what parent goes on holiday and doesn't take their kids??

Styleangel · 03/07/2017 16:45

Lilyloo, I can see your point exactly and so not easy being a step mum, I have similar issues, the mum doesn't want to do her share, I end up being the one working around my job and takeing on more and more responsibility . I didn't think there were mums like that, I have 2 of my own full time have been a single mum and now taken on 2 more. It is hard being a step mum sometimes and I don't think it's easy for people to understand unless they're in a similar situation. I have the mum slagging me off to her dcs making the relationship twice as hard but also expects me to run around after them. We are supposed to have them half the time but we're having them more and more because she can't cope and don't try and tell me she's trying to better herself with a college course, she's not!!! I know none of this is the dcs fault and this what u have to remember but it is hard when certain things happen and you have no recognition or thanks, but as my dp likes to remind me that's being a step parent🙄. My dp is also scared of rocking the boat and upsetting his ex, it's ridiculous. I know how u feel dp take notice of the negative comments u can't help how u feel. We don't resent our stepchildren but we as stepparents have feelings too! These men do need to realise this though !!!!!

Styleangel · 03/07/2017 16:49

Meant take no notice op not dp 🙄

Styleangel · 03/07/2017 16:56

Tadahh is does seem like that on here! You really can't win as a step mum u are always the wicked stepmum who wants rid of the children! Not the one who cooks, cares , runs around cleans up after them, gets abuse etc yet and I understand this the real mum who in some cases does very little are still the poor victim! My ex has a partner my dcs don't like her but can't really give me a good reason so I am constantly telling them it is their dads choice as long as she's not unfair towards them or rude they need to be polite and respectful towards her, but again I don't get the same back from the other side, ooo I could complain all day about this subject

TwoDots · 03/07/2017 17:06

TaDaa makes such a good point

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2017 17:14

Your partner has not one, but two, women running around meeting his parenting commitments. He needs to do what parents do; buy childcare, family help, take leave, speak to work about flexible hours, try to find a job that works with kids... all those things women are expected to do when they have children.

swingofthings · 03/07/2017 17:58

But why oh why do so much from the start and then feel that everyone is horrible for not stopping you doing all those things.

Surely if looking after the children is an issue, DON'T DO IT an don't do it from the start. My OH had no qualms telling me when we decide to commit to each other that he wouldn't take on any childcare responsibility, unless in exceptional circumstances. I had no problem with that as indeed, I never considered him as an alternative father to my children.

Because he made his position clear from the start, I never demanded that he does anything. I carried on as I did when I was a single mum, and just occasionally asked him if he would mind helping with one thing or another, which sometimes he said yes, and sometimes said he couldn't and that was fine.

I think some SM who see themselves as victim as so because they put themselves in that role. Men will get away with what they are let to get away with and if you open the door from the start, they will consider the that door is always opened.

LDN17 · 03/07/2017 18:12

That's all well and good, but to be fair if anyone admitted on here they never want to take on any responsibility childcare wise for their partner's children they would get flamed for it.

Styleangel · 03/07/2017 19:01

Also I don't think you realise the implications of it all until you start to do it, you can refuse to do things but then you look a real bitch, though sometimes I have said NO, it just get too much at times. I think op you will have to learn to say NO more, if he doesn't like it then he needs to change his job/lifestyle or stand up to the ex !

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/07/2017 14:29

There seem to be a few points you are objecting to -

you no longer want to be just assumed to be in the role of parent if your DP is unable/working. That's perfectly OK, even if you started off like this. No way 'just because you once did it' should you have to do it all the time.
There are changes that affect you but you have no input. That's also OK - even though ultimately it is for the parents - I think people who totally ignore the step parent are not doing anyone, most of all the kids, any favours.
An overnight stay midweek seems reasonable - but only if this is something that your DP can do themselves without relying on you.

You are not the bad one here - but it may be that more contact with the children might be a hard adjustment - but if your DP can do it - and it's to the benefit of all - then this is something you should try and adjust to.

swingofthings · 04/07/2017 17:03

That's all well and good, but to be fair if anyone admitted on here they never want to take on any responsibility childcare wise for their partner's children they would get flamed for it.

I don't think so! It doesn't mean you never help, it means you don't take over which is very different. You can care, participate, show interest but still make it clear that you won't take over responsibility, or take initiative to help if not asked.

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