Holidays

[crs80]

Hello, my husband & I take our child plus step kids away 4 times a year, twice is out of school. I need advice as it's started to cause real problem with step children's mother even though my husband has been court ordered 50% residency. Every time we take them away (which has been consistent for 4 years) she refuses to let them come & makes claims to social services once a we have gone. I'm worried about chikdren as they are subjected to this nonsense, any advice please

Hissy RTFT.

OP has a child with her DH and the current arrangement has been in place for 4 years. It was also court ordered so the DM would have had her opportunity to change it in front of a judge at the time.

And if this was an EOW set up then you might be right in suggesting OP backs off a bit. But they have a 50/50 residence so she's parenting half the DSC's lives and has every right to an opinion, and to ask for help in how to make things easier for her household in the face of malicious interference.

She's not getting into rows with the DM, she's asking how she and DH can make life easier for the DSC with DM kicking off and involving all the agencies every time they have a day out.

Totally take on board your thoughts on the importance of school and it would make much more sense for the DC to be at a faith school where the festivals are observed and normal school is organised around them so the DC don't miss anything.

But I don't think it's fair to say OP doesn't have a right to get involved. She didn't start it, her life is being ruined by malicious accusations which are clearly originating with the ex, even if, as you suggest, her relatives or friends are then making them. That's not the point, it's wrong, puts the DSC in a horrendous position, and possibly constitutes harassment.

How many Jewish religious holiday are there in a year? does your husband get the children for all of them or does their mum get an equal share?

I think it was a fair question to ask if their mum was Jewish, it's not a forgone conclusion. There was no need to snap at someone asking.

If the mum wasn't then the children aren't, which would be a weird and very unusual situation. It would have been more reasonable to ask if the mum is observant....

Which is what I did sam

I did rtft but forgot or skimmed the bit where she said she had a child of her own. It's kind of irrelevant anyway.

Private schools aren't subject to the same attendance laws as state, yes kids can have time off for religious observance, but it's not the odd day. Is it?

It has been decided that state schools are not to allow term time leave unless it's for certain criteria due to the adverse affects on their education.

Private and faith schools don't conform to these laws, or are able to work around them. Not relevant in this case, because the kids aren't in private or faith schools.

If the religious observance entails a day or so, fabulous, but it seemed clear from the op that these are occasions where the kids are taken out of school and away for a holiday.

There is never any excuse for malicious reporting and absolutely the police should be involved and if anyone wants to lay it on thick about harassment, sounds like the op has more evidence on her side than the dc mum.

I know exes can be awful. I know there are bad mothers out there. If the kids are not in an environment that's conducive to their ability to thrive, their dad needs to do something about it.

Sitting down with the ex might be a start. Settle it amicably if at all poss.

Like I said, the best antidote to lies is the calm, considered truth, allowing the kids to discuss the things they've been told and have them gently corrected

The school thing is very well one of the things triggering the ex

If she's a controlling person, this freedom and enjoyment at the expense of the kids education is a gift wrapped opportunity for her to rail against

Wow. So for the last 4 years you have had both no compromise religious festivals with your stepchildren....like having Xmas Day, Boxing Day and going away for a few days so even New Year is out of bounds as well and then doing it all again at Easter with
Good Friday, Easter Sunday and the Bank holiday? And you see no issue with that at all? I would be interested to know if this was presented to a judge on this way - did your husband deliberately demand all holidays of a judge who had no comprehension of what he was agreeing to?

You come across as deeply unpleasant, unmoving, with no ability to see that regardless of court orders, sometimes there is a need to compromise and understand that these children have two parents with whom they are equally happy and with whom they equally deserve to spend holiday and religious time.

The time for the ex to complain about the holidays split was during the court case. And OP hasn't said she's against OP and DH from having them, it's their agreed contact time after all. She seems against the DC being taken away. When it's nothing to do with her as the DC are with their father.

Whatever her complaints, malicious reports to social services are bang out of order. Nothing can defend that. She's doing her DC a terrible disservice by putting them in the middle of that.

I think the problem here is the term time holidays. However like posters have said that doesn't warrant her behaviour.

"If the mum wasn't then the children aren't, which would be a weird and very unusual situation. It would have been more reasonable to ask if the mum is observant....". samG

A very orthodox way of looking at the idea of faith v culture. One or both could be reform.

OP are you snaffling the major holidays - Hanukkah / Yom Kippur / Rosh Hashanah / Sukkot etc...

Even if it's two full weeks off school a year I honestly don't see the issue except for years when they fall near exams and then yes they should be in school

If there's been a court order for certain days and the kids happen to be with op and their dad on religious dates then it's tough really. A lot of court orders specify Christmas birthdays etc etc but if ops doesn't then their mother doesn't have a leg to stand on.

She shouldn't be wasting social services and police time. If she wants things to change she needs to go to mediation or court with op and the children's dad. Being malicious doesn't get you anywhere.

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of the holidays,contact order etc... nothing justifies or excuses false allegations to police and SS.

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of the holidays,contact order etc... nothing justifies or excuses false allegations to police and SS

Whilst broadly I agree, I wonder how it feels to not have your children at ....Xmas for 4 years and to be smugly told that there 's nothing you can do about it?

If she wants things to change she needs to go to mediation or court with op and the children's dad

Why would he mediate? He has a new life, 50% of his time with his children and he gets to stick two fingers up at the ex on high days and holidays. He has a partner who is prepared to support that rather than look at the bigger picture. Mediation is impossible with the level of righteousness demonstrated in the OP's posts.

OP says it's only the two Jewish holidays(out of many) that fall in term time that they have. Christmas/ Hanukkah aren't term time so probably not those.

The thing is,the kids have been interviewed by the police and SS. While it's bad doing it to your ex,it's horrible doing that to your kids,even if it was just the once.

I haven't read the full thread but your religious beliefs do not trump the welfare of any child!

SS would not be coming to visit based on malicious allegations

Prioritise your children's education

Sigh. I was just making a comparison with Christmas. I don't know much about the Jewish faith and which holidays/festivals,are important. IpBut Imdo know that if Imcouldn't get near my children at both Xmas and Easter each year, Imwouldn't be happy about it.

Where are you taking them on these holidays OP? If she is Jewish and observes these holidays then it can't be that she is objecting to. She doesn't object to the DC being at your house 50% of the time so that isn't the issue. It must be the location on the holiday that concerns her.

The thing is,the kids have been interviewed by the police and SS. While it's bad doing it to your ex,it's horrible doing that to your kids,even if it was just the once

I agree. But it's been to court. An order has been made (probably by a non-Jewish judge). What now? How do you get your point across to someone who thinks their religious observance and time with the children is way more important than anything you have to offer? How do you not get bitter about missing every Christmas-equivalent with your child?

She doesn't object to the DC being at your house 50% of the time

It is by court orde so you can't possibly know that. She may agree to it but not. Ecessarily like it. More accept it is the right thing in the circumstances. And then lose every religious event on top.

It is by court orde so you can't possibly know that.

Well she isn't calling SS and the police when they go there but is calling them when they take them away. So the problem is clearly with taking them away.

But the children's dad is equally responsible for the children so if he decides it's safe for them to go there's nothing their mother can do is there? You don't get a bigger say because you're a woman.

If these religious dates are so important to her then why didn't she bring it up in court?

We don't know anything about ops husband he might be happy to mediate.

I expect there is a lot more to the story than what has been shared here. Is it their father driving the strict tradition of going away for this holidays, or could it be OP? If he wasn't too bothered going when he was with his children's ex, I can see what the mother would have an issue with this holidays starting since OP has been in the picture.

Also, OP didn't bother to reply to the question whether they actually needed to go away to observe these traditions, nor why these always take place when the children are with their father.

The mother is Jewish herself, but maybe not as fervently as OP. Maybe she is worried that her kids are being indoctrinated, hence involving SS, especially if the father never bothered about these holidays before.

I don't think that we can really comment in light of the circumstances. Once SS is involved, it really becomes our of the ream of total strangers to comment on a particular family situation.