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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Who should be 'in charge'?

37 replies

MsMarvel · 13/06/2017 07:23

Dp is away just now, dsd came down for her contact time as normal. She chose to stay at sil's house overnight as she has her similarly aged cousin that she loves spending time with. Thats all fine.

The following day I go round with clothes etc for dsd and a vague idea of something we could all do together and discover that sil has made and organised plans involving dsd, including getting in touch with dsd's mum to sort out when and where she could collect dsd.

This all took me a bit by surprise because I had assumed that as step parent, it would fall to me to make and arrange plans to do with dsd, or at least be consulted about sil wanting to make plans.

But sil obviously thinks that as an actual relative , that it falls to her.

I didnt make a big deal about it, and went along with sil's plans, but went with them rather than letting her take dsd away for the day. And when we are out and about its me that dsd asks for permission to do stuff, so I guess she sees me as the person 'in charge'?

What would be the 'normal' in this situation?

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Underthemoonlight · 13/06/2017 07:29

She was staying with sil so therefore she was the person in charge. When my dd stays with her auntie it's up to them what they do with their day I don't have any say in what they do together as it's there time to spend together I don't necessarily invite myself along especially as we will arrange things seperately as a group the same when DS goes to stay with my db it's there time together.

It makes sense if she was due to go back to her DM and sil and her get on that it is arranged with them.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 13/06/2017 07:30

The staying with her was just overnight though. Sil stays very close, and the kids regularly bave sleepovers at both places, but it doesnt normally mean that they are then tied to doing the same thing together the next day.

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Original poster

MsMarvel · 13/06/2017 07:31

Nothing had been agreed about dsd spending the whole of the next day with sil.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 13/06/2017 07:32

If my dc go to their auntie or uncles over night normally they go out for the day after before they come home. Have you been in your DSD life long?

Underthemoonlight · 13/06/2017 07:33

Have the sleepovers and days out been a normal thing for your dsd and Sil even prior to yourself coming on the scene?

Original poster

MsMarvel · 13/06/2017 07:35

Not life long, but since she was 3, shes 9 now.

I understand that normally that's how it would be, but because of how close sil is (literally 30 second walk from ours), what normally happens if dp has the two to stay then sil might take them out the next day, and vice versa.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 13/06/2017 07:36

I don't think it's any disrespect to yourself when sil asks to have my dd she will ask me normally rather than dh just because it easier arranging stuff between ourselves.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 13/06/2017 07:36

No they didnt happen prior to me being on the scene because dsd was far too young.

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Underthemoonlight · 13/06/2017 07:37

It could be that your dsd wanted to go out with her auntie and cousin so she has double checked with her DM that it's ok or her db

Original poster

MsMarvel · 13/06/2017 07:38

Underthemoonlight it would be different if its your own kids you are talking about though isnt it? I was asking about what the place of a step parent would be in this situation.

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Original poster

MsMarvel · 13/06/2017 07:39

My dp is out of the country so wasnt contacted. Taking dsd out for the day on dp's official contact time wouldnt need to be authorised by dad's mum.

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Underthemoonlight · 13/06/2017 07:46

It might be if he's away out of the country though. I think it's a common courtesy to inform mum where her child is staying which by the sound of it sil did. Especially if there was an emergency. My DH is SF to DS1 majority of discussions go through me and ex TBH even if dh is looking after DS

Underthemoonlight · 13/06/2017 07:50

Me and ex's DW don't even have each other contact numbers. My point being it's not an slight on you but maybe sil was a bit thoughtless to let you know but thought it was enough to inform her nieces mother.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 13/06/2017 08:06

But without running any plans for during the day past me first, what would have happened if I had also arranged something for that time? Should I be running plans for dsd past sil in case she has organised anything?

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Underthemoonlight · 13/06/2017 08:19

I get that point but as i said when my DC have sleepovers they normally go out for the day after the sleep over they don't come back straight which in this case I think sil has asummed was the case here. She might have thought you had no plans as a sleepover was arranged instead and I'm guessing you didn't meantion any plans at the time of doing something.

swingofthings · 13/06/2017 09:45

It's not really a matter of who is in charge but the fact that there was a lack of communication.

Did you agree on a time you would be picking SD up/she would be dropping her in the morning. I assume not if she thought she was staying with her for the day.

It really is a minor issue, happens all the time in regular family and it never comes down to agreeing who is in charge, just agreeing that next time, plans will be clarified earlier.

rainbowhere · 13/06/2017 16:13

I think swingofthings is right in that it was just a miscommunication this time, maybe even tell sil that it was a miscommunication as a bit of a hint....

Step-parents aren't lower down the pecking order, which is what I think you're feeling MsMarvel, just because your DP is out of the country doesn't mean you don't want to spend time with dsd, which is essentially what the assumption has been....

Continue having a good relationship with your dsd !! Sounds like you are a nicely blended family

Bluebell878275 · 13/06/2017 17:00

Definitely a lack of communication here. I do think that if your DSD has come over for her contact time (it's with you too - not just her dad) and your DP is away then you are then the one to make arrangements etc. I would have been surprised and rather annoyed in your shoes! I probably would have said something along the lines of "good job I hadn't anything planned" but I am a bit passive aggressive sometimes...

I would just make sure for next time to put plans in place initially - "I'll come over for DSD at this time etc..."

Original poster

MsMarvel · 13/06/2017 18:09

I guess I just felt a bit shunned to one side. I get on really well with sil, so dont want to make a big deal, but I also want her to treat me as a parent, which I think I am when dsd is with us.

I was tempted to say I had made plans, I have 'mum' friends that ive been trying to arrange days out with, but knew that would be petty so left it...

Next time I will make it more clear that I have plans, or want to be involved/included in plans that she wants to make.

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Bluebell878275 · 13/06/2017 22:36

Yes of course you did..totally understandable. You are most certainly a parent..a step parent is neither mum nor dad..just a parent. But you are definitely both 'mum' and 'dad' when the bio parent is out. Our role is difficult to explain and even harder to understand to those with no experience. I'm so close to my own sister but she still has no idea what it's like and the minefield of our position. Even from the little you've written you are doing a good job

scottishdiem · 17/06/2017 17:07

Next time I will make it more clear that I have plans - only if this is indeed true and not mere vague ideas.

want to be involved/included in plans that she wants to make. - probably a better approach.

Also, she is 9 so in the not too distant future there are going to be things done away from home at the weekend with friends as well maybe so you probably want to get in place some ideas about how that is managed.

CrazedZombie · 17/06/2017 17:41

I'm an ex and think that sil did the right thing by contacting the mum but should have informed you after talking to mum.

Would you have normally told sil about any plans? Maybe she thought she was doing you a favour by having mum collect from her - especially if they had plans to hang out.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 18/06/2017 23:33

Sil does not normally have any contact with dp's ex, other than every so often about dropping dsd off if she has done something with the kids during the day. No friendship or socialising at all.

I wouldnt normally tell sil any plans, but if it was something I would also invite dniece to then she would be asked.

Ex is never informed on the things we do with dsd throughout the weekend, I don't quite get what was different about this weekend.

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Underthemoonlight · 19/06/2017 00:16

Because if your dh is out of the country then the mother has every right as parent to know where her child is and who is in her care as standard. What if something happened to her?

Bosabosa · 19/06/2017 00:24

Op, you sound like a great step mum. Let it blow over- I wouldn't take issue with your sil but maybe next time be clear re plans after a sleepover as you say. Chat to your dh too when he's back. X

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