Who should be 'in charge'?

[MsMarvel]

Dp is away just now, dsd came down for her contact time as normal. She chose to stay at sil's house overnight as she has her similarly aged cousin that she loves spending time with. Thats all fine.

The following day I go round with clothes etc for dsd and a vague idea of something we could all do together and discover that sil has made and organised plans involving dsd, including getting in touch with dsd's mum to sort out when and where she could collect dsd.

This all took me a bit by surprise because I had assumed that as step parent, it would fall to me to make and arrange plans to do with dsd, or at least be consulted about sil wanting to make plans.

But sil obviously thinks that as an actual relative , that it falls to her.

I didnt make a big deal about it, and went along with sil's plans, but went with them rather than letting her take dsd away for the day. And when we are out and about its me that dsd asks for permission to do stuff, so I guess she sees me as the person 'in charge'?

What would be the 'normal' in this situation?

With all due respect, you aren't her parent. Contact time with her father is just that, HER contact time with her father, not you. I think sil was right in contacting her mother and not you as her father wasn't even there. Under those circumstances I wouldn't even have expected her to go for the "contact" weekend at all, as her father wasn't there.

If anything, her mother should have been the one making plans with her daughter, not you stepping on toes. That's just my opinion though and not everyone will agree. I would certainly find it strange that her father wasn't here and the daughter was still going to "contact" with a step parent instead of staying with her mother.

I tend to agree with Cheese & Gherkins. If my ex isn't around for access time we switch days as DCs access time is with their dad & not his partner. I have NO issue with his partner - she's great to the kids so don't anyone jump on me - but she's not the parent.
I would imagine that with dad away sil just assumed they would be with mum & that they'd swapped days - it's what I would have assumed.

I agree with cheese and. Madga my DS would stay with me and I would swap days with ex. I would be furious if he wasn't even there when he went.

If it's DPs week with the kids we don't swap if he's away. It's not just about them seeing their Dad. They are not toddlers. They are part of our family. If I'm away my kids follow their normal routine. I'm puzzled by this "they are only there to see the father" attitude. It must make them always feel like visitors. After 6 years are they not there to see everyone?

I might be wrong but I think Cheese might not be a step-Mum.

OP I'd be a bit huh in you situation too. If you can say to SIL how this has made you feel I think she'd get it without being offended.

Wallywobbles - to clarify (but obv I can't speak for cheese or under); my dcs don't go to only see their father. However HE is the parent. If we don't swap days when he can't be home then both he & the dcs miss out on seeing each other. Exes Dp often collects kids from school etc. if ex is working, but if he's going to be working late/away or is away for a weekend then we swap.
Re the post I would say sil just assumed similar.

To clarify my set up DS will go and see ex on set days if he had an event he would swap his day as would I because it's important he maintains his relationship first and foremost as much as his likes his SM he comes to see his DF if it wasn't for his DF he wouldn't even know who SM was. Ex went on a stag do recently as it was we were also away on holiday but if we weren't he would have stay with me and had an additional day when he was back so DS and him didn't miss out.

That being said when ex was in hospital I suggested his DW come and collect DS to take him to see him and she collects from school when he's at work which is different. I just find it odd how access would continue when he's not even in the country.

You do realise the step-parent is family to the child too Not some random stranger, next-door neighbour, cashier in the shop down the road etc... they are part of the child's family - the contact time is with the parent,step-parent and, if any, the half/step siblings.

In this circumstance the parent is away on their time so it then falls to the next person to sort things (on that contact time) - this is the step-PARENT, not the SIL. There aren't just two parents in the child's life anymore - things change when relationships break down and step-parents become involved. Not saying step-parents are equal to the parents, rather they don't just become irrelevant when their partner (the parent) is away. If the Father chooses to leave his child with the step-parent while he is away then that is totally acceptable and I think it's very odd that anybody would be furious about it

Nicely put Bluebell.

Thank you to the posters who seem more understanding to this situation.

To clarify why dsd was with us in the first place (although cant believe I actually have to justify why a child was spending time with her family, which includes me and her extended family on her dads side...) Her mum works at the weekend so needs us to have dsd, whether do us here or not. Its not just a simple 'lets switch times!' That it seems to be for so many people here. Also, dsd likes me, and enjoys spending time with me whether her dad is here or not.

I know its not directly to do with my OP, but I find it quite depressing how dismissive an attitude people seem to have towards a step parent's role in a child's life.

From my POV MsMarvel it's not dismissive. I'm a mum and a sm & the point I was trying to make is that access is granted for kids to spend time with their parents. Who said parents then choose to have in their lives is up to the parents. My kids love their sm but would rather swap days if their dad's not going to be around as then they get to see both dad AND sm.
it's completely different now you've explained that you & Dp take dc at weekends as per arrangement with dcs mum. That being the case I can see exactly where you're coming from & sil was out of order whether she realised it or not.
I would defo have a word with her & with mum also if needs be. If you're the primary carer by mutuali agreement then imo you are 'in charge'.

Thank you, I maybe should have said that in the op.

Im quute often in contact with dsd's mum abkut contact arrangements, we are not friends by any means, but we get on ok and can converse politely. Its not unusual for us to be in touch.