DSDs don't us anymore - now they are 18+ - DH feels it is our fault

[Summeriscoming11]

It is a bit of a sad dilemma, and I am seriously considering whether it might be best if me and DH moved apart. Although we have a young daughter together.

DHs daughters, my step daughters, lived with us for a while either full or part time. However now they live with their mother now they are older. In some ways this makes sense, their mother is away a lot with her boyfriend who lives in Scotland (we are in London), so they get to have free run of the house, which they like. They also get to have more freedom there.

Our household is more structured although it generally seemed to be fairly OK when they were all around. I had hoped that I would 'gel' with his daughters, however after a promising start their mother took a dislike to me because I put my foot down about looking after the girls all the time because I was at home on maternity leave.

Basically they didn't want me to be their Mum - not really - so it was awkward as they were still teenagers who needed clothes washed, meals etc but also pulling up if they left say, the stair gate open. Normal stuff but that ended up tense as they would resent me - so I said that unless the girls accepted me a bit more the Mother couldn't just send them to our house without asking me first.

Anyway. One of the girls had an argument with DH and went to her Mums in a strop and never really came back. Her sister followed. At that stage they were 18 plus so DH didn't want to insist they came to stay, and when we did really try they'd often say they were busy with boyfriends/jobs etc. I had a period of inviting them over for dinner but after one of the girls basically took the take away and walked it back home without eating it with us I gave up!

It's a couple of years later. DH still gives them lifts to their jobs daily and sees them every week for the cinema etc. However they still don't come around hardly ever. A family member asked the DSDs why they didn't come around as DH is quite sad about it. The DSDs said that it was because DH 'did not make them welcome and (me) doesn't seem to like us being there'.

Now DSD is saying the whole family feel like we've abandoned them. I don't know what to do. It's so one sided every time they do come around I make all the effort, and even when my step mother died they never even acknowledged it. They acknowledge their half sister but don't really even say hello. Part of me feels that I don't want to be blamed in any way for being a barrier and the only way to do that is to move out and just let DH form his own relationship again.

under

• I don't have a problem with him giving lifts. I do have a problem with ill feeling and blame consistently being thrown our way.
• I wasn't even there when DSD recently refused to come to eat her take away - she knew I was away - this is nothing to do with avoiding me.
• so they are so fearful of hurting their Dad's feelings they will bitch about him to his family but refuse to meet him for coffee?
• so because the DSDs were cared for and not pushed to the background when my baby came along - instead of that being a good thing of me to support and do - it just adds to me being an Evil Stepmother?1

under you are just a trolling joke! I hope you become a step mother to resentful kids some day...

Summeriscoming I'm going through exactly the same as you with similar age step 'children' and have been for some time. I will pm you tomorrow if ok with you.

Around that would be good thanks.

What do you want to hear Summer? You seem to reject anything that is said that isn't 100% agreeing that your step daughters are terrible people.

From what you've just said it seems that the issue is with your DH not just with you, as they're avoiding him as well as you. Is he in any way open to seeking counselling/therapy about his feelings and issues with his older daughters? If it is tormenting him and interfering with your relationship to the point that you want to leave and take your DD with you, then he needs to urgently address it.

You cannot change other people's behaviour, you cannot force these young women to behave in the way you want. All you can do is look at how you (or your DH) react and deal with them.

I came to these board to help me work out whether I should in fact leave the relationship and break up my family. In none of my posts have I expressed the thought that I can change my DSDs behaviour.

However I have defended any post that targeted me as 'must have done something wrong' or just 'my presence as a step mother was enough so I deserve any crap that comes my way including being actively ignored'. Although I don't know why as it does just confirm that once people have their own biases and prejudices, even if they don't actually know anything about you, nothing I explain makes a blind bit of difference and I'm much better off putting my energies into people who are prepared to treat me like a human being.

Even if I've become a step mother - which to some is open season!

P.s. I liked your comment on neutral territory assasinated but DH has tried this several times. They don't want to avoid him when they want money/lifts!!!

My DCs ( not step) left home at around that age as self absorbed older teens, no experience of looking after or providing for themselves . They reappeared at ,say,25, as interesting and quite appreciative adults. I think this is not the time in their lives to write off the SDs - hang on in there. Help them become independent adults. How considerate were you at 18? It's normallishbehaviour imv.

Good point Gloriav but the problem here is that the OP isn't in a position to teach them how to be kind considerate adults & neither of their parents seem prepared to do so.
OP if you remove the 'step' aspect from this situation what you are dealing with is two entitled young women who are behaving badly moving in to adulthood; two young women it seems who were never taught that everything doesn't revolve around them! Yes, kids and teens are naturally self absorbed but that does generally dissipate with life experience & adult guidance.
It seems to me here that your dsds have had little guidance regarding these matters as (when you put the 'step' aspect back in the situation) your Dps guilt has stopped him parenting them in a firm manner.

It's not too late for him to amend his relationship with them, however, I think your worry is that if he doesn't take action you & your dd are going to have to suffer the consequences of his parenting for years to come. I think you really need to have a very frank conversation with him about how you're feeling & maybe he or both of you could get some counselling regarding dealing with his guilt.
If you were on a difference thread here & they were your bio kids people would be telling you off for rearing entitled brats! I am sooooo sick of the existing attitude that step kids can do & behave as they wish because their lives have been destroyed!
To all the step kid 'champions' out there there are worse things to befall people and families - illness, death, disability, child abuse to name a few. Divorce is not the end of the world & people really need to get over this attitude that it is & having divorced parents does not give children - grown or otherwise - to go around treating people like dirt.
My sons 17 year old friend & his young brother have witnessed both their parents die for terminal illness over the last 5 year! That is a true tragedy! Those two kids would be very grateful to have parents or stepparents but they're not so lucky!

The point remains that Summer cannot force the daughters to change. The Dh's reaction to them is what's causing issues in their relationship, and it's up to the DH to try and address this. He's acting out of guilt all the time and that's not healthy. If he won't look to address this then it's not going to change.

That's my whole point - his relationship with his girls is his relationship, but it revolves around his guilt. I don't get the impression the OP wants to dictate anything but she is very worried that his guilt is in turn going to permanently shape her life & that of their dd. I also get the impression that she feels the only way she can remove herself from this is to possibly split as his guilt is leaking out into every aspect of their lives. I get the impression the OP would be ok with Dp having a good relationship with his girls that didn't necessarily involve her all the time - but that's not the case. Her Dp is permanently upset by his dds & he needs to tackle that - for everyone's sake.

Blaming you is a load of bollocks.

They are only interested in their dad for money and lifts.

Your husband needs a backbone where his daughters are concerned.
But until that happens I would move out. I certainly wouldn't be living with a man who shows favouritism to his elder 2 daughters than the one he lives with.

Nothing will change, the daughters will find another excuse.

I completely agree with Magda. I know a few adult step children, and a few of them behave very badly, and from my POV it happens when the parents feel so guilty about being divorced that they stop parenting them and try and be their best mate.
Does your DH discuss this with you ? Or does he just say it distresses him ? It sounds like he is not even talking to you.

so because the DSDs were cared for and not pushed to the background when my baby came along - instead of that being a good thing of me to support and do - it just adds to me being an Evil Stepmother?1

That's you view of it, if it were the actual case the relationship would not have broken down to the extent that they no longer feel part of the family home their dad now has.

Not sure what you hope to gain from the thread, you seem intent on blaming them and won't take any responsibility for the relationship where you were the adult and they were children.

If your DH feels guilty, then usually there is something to feel guilty about. The fact his older children won't spend time at his house speaks volumes.

It's clear there's more to this story and no I'm not a troll op.

If your DH feels guilty, then usually there is something to feel guilty about

He could feel guilty that his marriage failed and his DCs have a split home, the failure could be due to the DW meeting someone else, the DH would still fee guilt (unreasonable though that is). If the DCs are moany and appear unhappy at his house (perhaps due to things DexW is saying) then he will could feel guilt.