DSDs don't us anymore - now they are 18+ - DH feels it is our fault

[Summeriscoming11]

It is a bit of a sad dilemma, and I am seriously considering whether it might be best if me and DH moved apart. Although we have a young daughter together.

DHs daughters, my step daughters, lived with us for a while either full or part time. However now they live with their mother now they are older. In some ways this makes sense, their mother is away a lot with her boyfriend who lives in Scotland (we are in London), so they get to have free run of the house, which they like. They also get to have more freedom there.

Our household is more structured although it generally seemed to be fairly OK when they were all around. I had hoped that I would 'gel' with his daughters, however after a promising start their mother took a dislike to me because I put my foot down about looking after the girls all the time because I was at home on maternity leave.

Basically they didn't want me to be their Mum - not really - so it was awkward as they were still teenagers who needed clothes washed, meals etc but also pulling up if they left say, the stair gate open. Normal stuff but that ended up tense as they would resent me - so I said that unless the girls accepted me a bit more the Mother couldn't just send them to our house without asking me first.

Anyway. One of the girls had an argument with DH and went to her Mums in a strop and never really came back. Her sister followed. At that stage they were 18 plus so DH didn't want to insist they came to stay, and when we did really try they'd often say they were busy with boyfriends/jobs etc. I had a period of inviting them over for dinner but after one of the girls basically took the take away and walked it back home without eating it with us I gave up!

It's a couple of years later. DH still gives them lifts to their jobs daily and sees them every week for the cinema etc. However they still don't come around hardly ever. A family member asked the DSDs why they didn't come around as DH is quite sad about it. The DSDs said that it was because DH 'did not make them welcome and (me) doesn't seem to like us being there'.

Now DSD is saying the whole family feel like we've abandoned them. I don't know what to do. It's so one sided every time they do come around I make all the effort, and even when my step mother died they never even acknowledged it. They acknowledge their half sister but don't really even say hello. Part of me feels that I don't want to be blamed in any way for being a barrier and the only way to do that is to move out and just let DH form his own relationship again.

OP I was just going to say that. Who on earth gets offended over a simple request like closing a stair gate???
It does sound like this girl has issues with both parents & sometimes the fact has to be faced that our kids are not behaving in the nicest fashion.
I have a good friend who is a great mum & has done everything for her 4 kids. The eldest is now 18, a girl, & rules the roost. My friend fully sees now that she totally indulged her daughters behaviour (she's a bright, beautiful girl but v arrogant) to a point that my friends bf is not 'allowed' stay over as daughter & HER bf need the space!!!!
Your dps eldest sounds like she has gotten away with bad behaviour for years & is still being indulged! This is not because she is the child of divorced parents - it's because she has the personality she has.

And she has used the divorce to manipulate all the adults in this situation.

Thanks magda it has helped me feel like I am not quietly going mad. Which I kind of am! I also have a friend with a lovely daughter but very intense, and resented her mother's boyfriend so much that my friend admits it split them up. Now, my friend is 50, alone, her daughter had gone to Uni, and her boyfriend found someone else. She feels she missed her last chance of happiness but just couldn't stand up to her daughter at the time.

quite - I wouldn't be thinking so seriously about leaving if it wasn't so - well insidious! I kept thinking, if I just grow yet another thick skin maybe it will all be alright, but it isn't. The last thing I want to do is to tear my own life apart.

And in the meantime, his daughters are getting on with their lives - tbh I think they are the least affected here. They aren't that bothered about seeing their Dad which is why he jumps at the chance to do stuff for them - they don't meet him for coffees they just contact him when they need something. And none of the rest of his family have much to do with them either - which makes their reactions quite surprising and doubly hurtful. They never visit them either.

I didn't say you were in the wrong I'm suggesting their POV and your POV might be considerably different. The baby gate is a red herring but an example how people interpret situations. Does your dh see his dds?

You are intent on blaming them and refuse to believe that you played any part in this.

It won't be because of the safety gate so stop trying to make it sound so trivial.

His children and family don't want to visit, they can't all be wrong.

It's very very common when a new child comes along for the parents to prioritise the baby and the older step children are just expected to be happy and not make a fuss. A lot of relationships break down at this point as the children don't want to be second best or feel unwanted.

Why don't you enlighten me Rainbows as to how I should have acted to change this situation?

We're you the poster who posted a while back about her DH basically spending no time with his DD as he was a taxi service for two grown daughters? And he absolutely refused to make them take the bus?

No I wasn't but it sounds very similar. My DH is a taxi service - that's not a relationship. I couldn't say that to him he thinks it's good to be if use as he says.

Also me and our daughter have never been prioritised by DH, so there was certainly no question of his daughters being second best.

He isn't a taxi service if that's the only time he sees them and he chooses to do this. It sounds like he values your that time with them on a one to one basis. You sound resentful that he does this.

Sweet Jesus! A woman who is resentful that her dh taxis two grown adults around!! How unreasonable is she???'
Oh for gods sake this man could meet his GROWN daughters in any number of ways! - diving them to work is not quality time, it's guilt being manipulated!!!
Since when did adult parents have to pander to adult daughters/sons to the detriment of all other family members????

Why don't they have their own cars?
You are nearly shot of them, ones or both will surely leave home soon for work or uni, and they are going to be embroiled in romances soon. I would avoid the lot of them and hope for a better relationship once they mature/ get family of their own.

Your DH needs to man the hell up.

You have a young child together. Of COURSE he needs to be working with you on this. You can't just split up because his other children (who are now adults!) don't like you.

I feel very sorry for you. I feel that you and your husband are being manipulated by your step-daughters. They are adults now and you do not have to keep trying to appease them. Make it clear that you are uninterested in maintaining a relationship with them and take away their power to keep upsetting you. Honestly I think you have done enough.

I may be misunderstanding but why does your DH feel the need to see his adult children so often? My DDs are adults of 18 plus too and one works/lived 350 miles away and the other is at uni 350 miles away and will be working abroad all summer. I still maintain a great relationship with both of them despite not seeing them very often. Surely he needs to just let them bash on with their lives, including letting them get themselves to work and let them contact him if they want to meet up and go to the cinema or for a meal with him or whatever. Is that not pretty normal at that age?

summeriscoming I don't believe that it was about a stair gate, how'd you speak to them? Were they made to feel like the new baby was replacing them?
Magda, we have no idea if they are demanding these lifts to work or if their dad is giving them because he wants to and would like to spend time with them. I don't think it's for us to judge his actions when his daughters would likely have no contact unless he put himself out. Why because they are over 18 should be suddenly stop bothering with them and he is vilified for it; he should be there for his children and want enough access but not too much and then when they are 18 he should ignore them?

How can dh be giving them lifts if they are in Scotland with mum, and you are in London?

Also, your title is misleading, they do see your dh, on a daily basis.

They were a bit insessitive not acknowledging your stepmothers death, but as teens, they probably wouldn't think of getting a card. I know my teens wouldn't.

He does of course give his DSDs lifts because he wants to, but he's still miserable about his lack of relationship with them.

I don't think that this is grieving, hurting DSDs who feel abandoned by their father and rejected by a wicked step mother who has replaced them by a baby. But that seems to be the default assumption.

If that was the case they would be jumping at the chance to see their Dad one to one, like for coffees, but when he offers they aren't bothered and don't go. That's why he gives them lifts as it is only then that they want to see them. Last week he picked older DSD up, and bought a take away for him and her, however she refused to eat it at our house and just took it home. That's what really hurts him and makes him feel he must be doing something wrong.

I've been on their side of this and wouldn't have been making plans for coffee or sharing a take away either. It's very clear they feel unwelcome and that their dad chose his new family over them hence the minimal contact. Unless he is careful he will have no relationship with them at all.

It doesn't matter that they are adults, they are entitled to their feelings and don't have to get over it at all.

However it's far easier for you to blame it on them rather than the adults in their lives. Everyone else can't be wrong and that's very telling.

Op, I believe you've posted about this before, on at least one occasion. You've clearly taken no notice of any comments or advice suggested.

They are adults. You are an adult. Time you started acting like one.

I think perhaps your DH should suggest meeting his daughters in neutral territory or where they live (if they aren't living with their Mum), so that there's no pressure or expectations on them with regards to you and your DD.

It might be time for you to stop trying to force a relationship if they don't want it. If your DH is miserable about his relationship with his daughters then he needs to seek counselling or therapy to address his issues. If he is constantly abandoning you and your DD if his daughters ask for his help/time, and he won't negotiate on this, then maybe you both need to see a couples counsellor to address this issue.

Get over it and move on because it's been a few years?
That's not how it's works, it HURTS and unlike toxic or painful friendships they don't want to not have a relationship with their dad but seeing him with you and sister is really painful, they feel replace, like it didn't work with them so he just started again. It's not necessarily your fault but resentment will bubble up in even the most reasonable and mature SC ... especially when the SM expects them to just get over it in time when they've not really been able to express their feelings over the situation because they a) lived with you and b) didn't want to hurt their dad.
They don't give a shit about you because you are painful.. they probably will never accept you... I've never accepted my SM and it's been 8 years ... my sister is even worse with her and hasn't seen my dad in 3 months.

They don't give a shit about you because you are painful.. they probably will never accept you... I've never accepted my SM and it's been 8 years ... my sister is even worse with her and hasn't seen my dad in 3 months. Wow what has your step mother done to you? You can't just pour bitterness on one person because she has dared to marry your father. What do you want him to do? Be alone until you approve that he can find love again?

I'm sorry but you sound pretty mean. I can understand feeling upset about your parents breaking up. Mine did too. However any feelings you have are to do with your parents, not a complete stranger who had nothing to do with the separation.

Also, my step mother died recently.

She had been there in my life since I was a teenager. I was incredibly sad that my Dad wanted to leave my Mum, and when he married again I did have mixed feelings. But I did give her a chance and I'm so glad I did. It was hard to adjust, hard to see them together, my Mum was devasted and didn't like that he'd married again. But I could love my Mum and my Dad still, and have a relationship with both. It is possible.

And over time I grew to genuinely love my step mother too - to the extent that I spoke at her funeral and her loss to me is huge. It also meant so much to my Dad. It would have been so easy to feel anger and take it all out on her. Really easy. I did feel some anger at my Dad initially for leaving us - and I have talked with him about that - but in no way was that anything to do with my step mum.

He does of course give his DSDs lifts because he wants to, but he's still miserable about his lack of relationship with them.

This is his choice and his chance to help build bridges. I don't see why it's such an issue for you.

. Last week he picked older DSD up, and bought a take away for him and her, however she refused to eat it at our house and just took it home. That's what really hurts him and makes him feel he must be doing something wrong.

They don't feel comfortable in coming to your home they have made their feelings quite clear they don't feel welcome by you so why would they come it must be a shock to you especially if your grumbling about him giving them a lift.

If that was the case they would be jumping at the chance to see their Dad one to one, like for coffees, but when he offers they aren't bothered and don't go

It's clear that they are hurt with the situation as they have expressed it so to other family members they may feel they can't brooch the subject with him.

Also me and our daughter have never been prioritised by DH, so there was certainly no question of his daughters being second best.

You sound bitter about a lack of relationship with your dd and almost past some blame to his older DDs because he's giving them
lifts surely that would not impact on his relationship with her.