DSDs don't us anymore - now they are 18+ - DH feels it is our fault

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It is a bit of a sad dilemma, and I am seriously considering whether it might be best if me and DH moved apart. Although we have a young daughter together.

DHs daughters, my step daughters, lived with us for a while either full or part time. However now they live with their mother now they are older. In some ways this makes sense, their mother is away a lot with her boyfriend who lives in Scotland (we are in London), so they get to have free run of the house, which they like. They also get to have more freedom there.

Our household is more structured although it generally seemed to be fairly OK when they were all around. I had hoped that I would 'gel' with his daughters, however after a promising start their mother took a dislike to me because I put my foot down about looking after the girls all the time because I was at home on maternity leave.

Basically they didn't want me to be their Mum - not really - so it was awkward as they were still teenagers who needed clothes washed, meals etc but also pulling up if they left say, the stair gate open. Normal stuff but that ended up tense as they would resent me - so I said that unless the girls accepted me a bit more the Mother couldn't just send them to our house without asking me first.

Anyway. One of the girls had an argument with DH and went to her Mums in a strop and never really came back. Her sister followed. At that stage they were 18 plus so DH didn't want to insist they came to stay, and when we did really try they'd often say they were busy with boyfriends/jobs etc. I had a period of inviting them over for dinner but after one of the girls basically took the take away and walked it back home without eating it with us I gave up!

It's a couple of years later. DH still gives them lifts to their jobs daily and sees them every week for the cinema etc. However they still don't come around hardly ever. A family member asked the DSDs why they didn't come around as DH is quite sad about it. The DSDs said that it was because DH 'did not make them welcome and (me) doesn't seem to like us being there'.

Now DSD is saying the whole family feel like we've abandoned them. I don't know what to do. It's so one sided every time they do come around I make all the effort, and even when my step mother died they never even acknowledged it. They acknowledge their half sister but don't really even say hello. Part of me feels that I don't want to be blamed in any way for being a barrier and the only way to do that is to move out and just let DH form his own relationship again.

Sorry, title should say 'DSDs don't VISIT us anymore... '

You've posted about this before haven't you? I seem to remember about him driving them to work every day.

Have you spoken to him about your thoughts? You don't seem to be a team :(

I don't blame them to be honest, it sounds like they were made to feel unwelcome. Add to that a new half sibling and it was likely a recipe for disaster.

They still see their dad all the time so maybe they don't feel the need to come to the house. Of course they didn't want you to be their mum, they already have a mum.

Why would hey want you to be their mum, they have one.

It sounds like faults on both sides here. I don't think they need to come round especially if they don't feel welcome. They still get to see their DF and have a relationship with him. I don't think what they have done leaving the baby gate is bad just carelessness but I wouldn't have you have maybe reacted to them doing this and felt they were a nuisance to you rather than a valued member of your family. As for your step mothers death I don't understand the relevance it has with them, did they know her or form a relationship with her?

I'm sure I remember you posting before, that time it was more because your DH's adult daughters (and even his ex) were taking up so much of his time every day at the expense of his relationship with youngest daughter with you.

This time it reads more like you are soul searching about how you ended up in this situation and to what extent it has/will irrevocably damage your relationship with your DH.

I'd work on the assumption that the situation will never significantly change ie his daughters will never want to do stuff at your house or with the family while you are there. Youll never be able to make them. Can you a) live with the awkwardness and sadness of that and b) find a way to compartmentalise your DHs relationship with his daughters from your relationship with your DH and your own family unit as a three? If you can find a balance of time and priorities that works and you can both accepting without blaming the other, that would be the best way forward I think.

The relationship with my DSDs was totally one sided - where my feelings as a person are not valued. So yes my step mother dying was important to me and the fact that this was not even acknowledged by my step children makes me realise how little anything about me or my life is even on their radar. Even so I welcomed them, without them ever welcoming me. Why are step parents always supposed to be the givers totally? That isn't a relationship at all.

Anyway. I just think the fracturing of my DHs life is too brutal really and I think, hard as it will be on our daughter who will lose a family unit - it is probably best I move out.

Obviously it's not best you move out because you have a child together and want to be together. They have a relationship with their dad, they're not required to have one with you and debating leaving their dad feels manipulating to me. I resent my SM a lot I'm not going to lie even if it's not her fault my parents split up the resentment lies under my relationship with her.
They're adults with lives and you're probably not as giving and kind as you think you are.

Why are step parents always supposed to be the givers totally? That isn't a relationship at all.

Its a tough question and the simple answer is because

Unless you get into a relationship with someone with grown up children. You are the adult and they will never understand it till they reach a certain age and even then they might not. It has to be one sided in one sense, but having said that rules and such like shouldn't be

They are grown ups now, 18 plus. I had several years where I put their needs first, as any parent would step or not. However they are not children anymore.

Even with younger teenagers I'm sure most parents would a level of care back such as not being rude, not totally ignoring anyone, helping with chores, and being able to tolerate being reminded about keeping the stair gate closed without that being taken, stored and resented for weeks. Just basic harmony.

If no one kept actively blaming me and driving a wedge between me and DH then it would be tough but tolerable. Even leaving taken as a manipulation! Truly step parent's every action is bad.

I did care and welcome my step daughters for years... ended up being rejected. My fault? Apparently!

I continued to welcome them even though they weren't very nice about me or DH and didn't bother to visit. My fault? Oh yes can't have been welcoming enough apparently - even if I was ignored because that apparently doesn't matter.

Now my DH is feeling guilty because step daughters are blaming me and him for not 'being nice enough' and hence why they don't visit. Whose fault? Mine again or DHs for feeling bad.

DHs family are now spreading ill feeling because his daughters have told them they don't come around because 'I don't like them being there'. No one asks me. It is just taken as wrote. Who is to blame? His family for just taking that as the truth? Apparently not. Me again.

I am now thinking of leaving because I'm tired of being the scapegoat and need to get away because of above. This is just another manipulation from me again apparently! Just stirring things up - as if I would tear up my family, leave DH who I actually love, just to score points?

The myth of the evil stepmother is indeed alive and well!

I'm confused. You're considering leaving with your DD, separating from your DH, because his adult daughters don't visit you enough at your house? Despite the fact that he sees them every day because he gives them a lift to work (both of them?)?

It seems like a massive overreaction. Isn't it just a question of being a little sad that they aren't as interested in their half sister as they could be, but accepting that they're adults and it's really up to them. You can't make them change how they feel. I'm guessing there's a large age gap between them and their half sister? They would have been dealing with lots of difficult feelings about their Dad having a new family and feeling like they're being replaced. If they left home fairly soon after that they probably don't feel like his new family is much to do with them. They may change their minds as they get older.

I wouldn't be leaving if that was the only case in point assassinated - of course it is up to them if they don't visit the house. It is sad that they have cut me out of their lives - but I'll live with it.

It's because DH is constantly guilty, running after them which affects our day to day life massively - I can't plan or do anything. It's different from seeing them - he will drop anything with us if his daughters call - because he's been made to feel that he has done wrong by being with me.

His family are now not talking to me after speaking to his daughters who after some months and years still seem to be blaming me.

You could say ignore DHs guilt that hangs over us like a cloud. He's been cut up about it since they stopped coming around. I tried to say come on DH - you are a good Dad etc - but he can be utterly miserable to be around because of it.

It's not just a 'DH' problem - I wonder how many Dads could bear not having their children not visit them ever because of their partner and not let it affect their relationship. I'm very tired of it and it pervades everything.

They've chosen to punish their Dad over choosing me - at some point any child who becomes an adult has to start to take some kind of responsibility for hurt and damage that they cause.

I think it's a bit unusual that he is so beholden to his adult children, to the extent that he will drop everything if they call and ask for something. How old are they now?

His guilt is obviously affecting all his relationships and decisions. Is he willing to see a counsellor or similar about how he feels?

You are trying to make this all their fault and it's not. Now they are older than don't have to be forced to spend time with somebody they don't want too or where they don't feel welcome. Your posts clearly indicate you don't like them or the fact that your DH spends time with them so they have obviously clearly read the situation.

Your DH made his bed when he decided to put his new partner first over them. It's very common sadly and usually new children follow as many seem to subscribe to the "it's not a relationship without a child" mentality.

Sorry OP, but have you posted about this before? Does your daughter have SEN? Sorry if I've got you mixed up with another poster.

My blood is boiling reading this!!!
Seriously - these girls are now ADULTS!!! Have they been taught NO manners or respect over the years???? Why on earth can they not make their own way to work?
OP - blame is useless here but in truth if anyone is at 'fault' it's your DP. He has obviously pandered to these girls for years & he's now left with what appears to be two very entitled young women.
You & your DP need to really talk about this - your young daughter should be his priority now as again, these girls are ADULTS!
If I thought any of my three kids would be dismissive of their SM's feelings around losing a family member I'd roast them - it's common good manners and decency to show compassion!
If these girls don't want a relationship with you there's nothing you can do about that - but your Dp needs to show them that gossiping about you to other family members is rude & disrespectful & will not be tolerated. He also needs to grow & pair & sort out his relationship with them - adult to adult.
You have my utmost sympathy & before anyone jumps on me I'm a mum & a SM so I know what all aspects of step situations are like!!!

They are allowed to chose not to see you, they are adults. It sounds like it's taken them a long time to speak up about things.

Are you actually giving your dh and ultimatum, stop seeing your children as much or I'll leave with your joint dd?

What have you actually asked him to do?

Thanks Magda I just feel at the end of my tether. His whole family getting in on the act is just the last straw. They told DH he'd abandoned them for me.

I haven't just come along last year and been horrible and mean. I cared for, was nice to these girls for years. I think the post above is why I just want to give in and just get out... it's taken them a long time to speak up about things... as if they've had a hard time and now are speaking out.

That is exactly what is being thrown at DH - through a silent but very loud 'ignoring' of me. Although one DSD does send me nice texts every now and then, but is ultimately very loyal to her sister who is the main one who stopped coming to see us (followed by her sister who I think felt awkward coming on her own).

I just thought after a couple of years of this it would settle, or they'd get over it, or the ill feeling would stop. It just flares up. Why this has recently got to me is DHs mother and siblings have stopped coming and didn't turn up to his birthday - I didn't know what but then DH told me that they'd spoken to the girls about why they don't come around and because they said both of us don't make them welcome they've turned on me (not DH).

I just want to get on with my life this is draining me.

I think op you need to address here is they obviously have genuine feelings of hurt here and they need to be talked about. Regardless if it's draining for you these are feelings of two young girls about their break down of their relationship with DF. I think what we all got to consider is everything is down to individuals POV you think they maybe spoilt entitled in wanting lifts from your dp POV is it's an opportunity to see his girls and their POV could be that they want to see their DF away from his dp and their sister and have one to one time together that they don't get anymore.

I think you need to reconsider that there was a possibility you were at fault here not one but both daughters feel the same way and expressed such to there family members. I've meantioned POV in my previous post because it's quite easy to think of how your behaviour towards something e.g the baby gate and not actually see the negative impact it can have. For example they way view it as your tone off voice being off due to exhaustion and frustration from your pov but their POV might see it as someone who is irritated by there presence by the way they approach the subject with them.

Regardless if you can't see it there's something clear here that has happened for them to not feel they can visit you in your home but maintain a level of contact with their DF.

If contact us ceased than I would suggest his family try to help facilitate that and try medicate with your DF and his DDs I would advise you not be apart of it. At this age I doubt there's much that can be rebuilt if your not prepared to admit to any wrong doing to facilitate a relationship with them. I don't actually see what is wrong with him taking his dd to work if that's the only occasion he gets to see them, when you and your dd see him daily.

Why did they stop coming? Possibly several reasons and I would happily have talked that over with any of them at the time. I took them away for a weekend with DH - doing something both girls wanted to do - but any attempts by me to talk to them were met with quite a bit of glaring. Older one in particular was very clingy to DH so I just backed off. Then the next time I saw them was at family occasions so I never got a chance to bring any of it up.

When the older sister stopped coming over initially it was because she had an argument with her father. I wasn't there. DH felt bad afterwards and apologised. They both also had some lucrative babysitting at her Mums house at the weekends - and boyfriends - so there were probably other reasons they didn't come.

Up until that point older DSD was also ignoring me all the time, unless she wanted something. She was happy to let me cook, clean and look after her when she was ill. She spoke nicely to me when I'd baked cakes etc. Other than that, I didn't exist. She was a bit like that with her Dad too. I tried to tackle it a few times, DH even spoke to her Mum, but they all just said that was how she is, just I got it the worst. She didn't want to see her Mum for a while either as her Mum couldn't handle her.

However now, a couple of years down the line, I'm just not buying that it was my fault. If it was, I'd have wanted that all to be talked about openly at the time instead of letting this go on for months.

And honestly, if a young adult is going to leave because I asked them to remember to close a baby gate then that is ridiculous.

Gosh I couldn't stand this and I can feel the injustice of it all by reading your posts.

I would cut your losses. This problem will never be erased - it will hang over you and your marriage like a black cloud.

If you don't leave your other option is to endure the current situation - those girls obviously have an unpleasant opinion of you and they have outside support to continue with it.

Your dp, is a little bit spineless and has been held hostage by these children for far too long. Sad really. Don't let them do the same to you?!