Do you discipline your step children?

[user1496926479]

Hi guys. I'm new to this (first post!) and apologise for not knowing all the oh, dd, ds things!
I wanted to ask if all of you who are step parents have a say in your step children's lives? I have an 9 yo sd. I have been with my other half for over 4 years and he has been divorced since sd was 1 year old.
My problem is this .... my sd is very very spoilt. Extremely spoilt. She is the only child and grandchild and basically can do what she wants, when she wants, have whatever she wants and will have major tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. She is actually a really lovely little girl deep down but her upbringing is turning her into an awful child. She still wets the bed every single night. She is morbidly obese. She constantly has to have 100% attention. It's like she's still 3 years old. My other half just says she'll grow out of it. But I've come to dread her coming over. We have her overnight 2 days a week and every other weekend Friday to Sunday evening. On top of that my oh picks her up every morning (that we don't have her) to take her to school. I'm not sure how to tackle this. Is this normal behaviour for an 9 year old? My ds was an angel (I know I was very lucky!) Do any of you get involved with disciplining your sc?

I discipline my dsd, who is also 9. But thats with full support of my DP and DSD's mum. And in a style and level in line with how they parent and discipline.

I imagine with your situation, nobody else tells her off? I would not be comfortable in a situation where my parental role as a stay parent wasnt being supported and backed up.

Doesn't sound normal to me and yes I think you should set some ground rules with your dp and both discipline. My sc are 6 and 8 and have been much better behaved since we set rules and regular schedules in terms of food and bed. Actually has got to the point of they double check with me if their dad has said they can have something. What happens in the morning when she wets the bed, our 6 year old still does too but she has to strip her bed and load the machine I hope this will encourage her to go to the toilet when she's ready to

I disciplined DSS2, but he lived with us full time and his mum and dad were happy for me to do so. He was quite an easy boy so there was little need for it though, we didn't really have many issues just homework and backchat. He didn't remember a time before he lived with just his dad and brother (DSS1 was an adult when I got together with DH but still lived at home), because his mum left when he was a baby. We got on really well so i was lucky - DS was born less than a year after DH and I got together so a lot happened in a short period.

My SD's are 2 and 7 and their dad only has them two nights every other weekend. He's basically getting to be the 'fun weekend dad' and has willfully handed over the responsible aspects of fathering to me.

That said, I have incredibly similar parenting values to my girlfriend so there's no conflict there - we agree on the boundaries we want to set and the values we want to teach (which is lucky because I know I'd have to accept hers' otherwise!)

I do think us step-dads have it so much easier though. My SD's dad just doesn't mind that I'm raising his kids.

Sorry to be so vague. The bed wetting and taking to school aren't bad behaviour. The bad behaviour is more what I would call 'toddler' tantrums. I have set regular bedtimes because I thought she was over tired. But the tantrums are every day set off by anything from food, bed time, not wanting to do something she is told to do. It's difficult to deal with when it's every day that we have her. I thought she would have grown out of it by now. I guess I am lucky as she kicks and spits at her own mum. She is told off by my oh but never punished so she doesn't take any notice.
The bed wetting I am sure she will grow out of eventually. However the obesity is what worries me the most. She can't fit into a 16 year olds clothes and adult clothes although they fit around the tummy, they are too big in the sleeves and neck and trousers are a foot too long. The health implications are a big worry. I asked my oh to take her to the doctors (which he did). They sent dsd for blood tests but she refused and neither parent has made her so nothing else happened. I do care about her and worry for her future. I was just wondering whether to take over the discipline as no one else will. My oh is so laid back he's horizontal and we have completely different parenting skills/ideas.

I'm wondering if your sdd is a victim of bullying at school due to her weight which might explain the bed wetting and sudden change in her mood.

9 year olds don't normally wet the bed unless there's something else going on op.

She has always wet the bed since I've known her (when she was 4). I have a couple of friends who are parents at the school and apparently she is quite popular and not being bullied. I did wonder whether it could be a physical thing as she changes her undies a few times a day. That and the obesity was why oh took her to the doctor. But as she's refusing to have the blood tests we don't know what's going on. Now if she was my daughter I would have made her but that's not my call. Sometimes I wonder if I should just step back and not get involved. I'm sure her tantrums will disappear eventually (when she goes to uni? 😂). It just seems wrong to let her get bigger and bigger and not do anything. She doesn't have any sweets, biscuits, cakes or fatty foods with us but obviously not in control when she's with her mum.

Well you can't discipline her for being morbidly obese or wetting the bed, can you? As for the tantrums - she sounds like a very unhappy little girl, so yes she needs boundaries and consistency but more so love, kindness and acceptance - and yes, lits and lots of attention.

She sounds really unhappy. Poor kid.

Get your DH to step up. If he's happy to see his kid be this upset, angry and emotional that's him being a shit parent and a sht person. It's clearly easier for him to neglect his daughter.

What kind of person is he?

My SS in 11 and I have been in his life since he was 3. My OH struggles to discipline his own son and has always been concerned he will push him away and that he wants his time when he is with us to be fun, he also said that he is a good lad and listens without discipline which I do agree, I am lucky that we haven't had any big issues with him, just little things like jumping on sofas etc. My problem is now that my SS is getting older he is started to be disrespectful at times, although not towards me but towards his dad. He will make sarcastic comments to his dad and mocks him at times like a friend would, not an 11 year old child! It has started to bother my OH when we spoke about it but as I told him, he has always treated his son like a friend rather than being a parent but if he doesn't do something about it now it will only gets worse as he is fast approaching teenage years!!

Apart from the obvious need to sort out discipline, I think immediate attention should be given to her bedwetting and weight issues!
I think it must be unusual for a 9 year old to still bedwet, and it's probably because nothing has been put in place to train her out of it. As for her obesity, that's obviously a result of her eating whatever/whenever she wants!
Both of thee issues need to be addressed ASAP, she needs to be medically assessed, and whatever plan is suggested by her GP/hospital, should and must be followed to the letter....and the tantrums ridden out!
I suggest her parents discuss this with a doctor, and work together to include you, in a plan to save this poor child, from a life of being fat, unlikeable and downright miserable!

The bed-wetting and obesity aren't discipline issues, but they could well be medical issues, which DSD's parents have a duty to address. You could perhaps start by discussing with the school nurse.

These problems could well be making her very unhappy which will in turn be a cause of bad behaviour. Ignoring the medical issues is, IMO, a form of neglect and personally I would try to address this first.

Bedwetting at 9 isn't normal, neither is her keep changing her knickers is she incontinent?
She does sound like a trip to the drs is in order for her.
Her dad needs to step up.
Are things OK with his ex, Could he talk to her about it, Try and work together?

How do you get on with her mum? If you are friendly, then I'd have a chat, but I have a feeling you aren't all on the same page.
In our family, we go on a 'my house, my rules' basis in terms of discipline, so if they are playing up at home, DH can discipline them, and if they are playing up at their dad's, SM can discipline.
I deal with all medical matters, but if their step-mum raised a concern with me, I'd get it checked out.

Has she seen the doctor about the bed wetting? It's going to cause problems soon when she has school residentials coming up and sleepovers with friends.

My sons' stepmother disciplines them just as I or their father would, possibly more so as she is very slightly stricter on a couple of things that don't bother me as much. My ex told me she was very very nervous about doing this at first )and terrified the first time she had to tell them off in front of me!), but I have no issue whatsoever with her disciplining them. We have similar thoughts on what is and isn't acceptable behaviour, it seems, so I am glad that I don't have to deal with my kids getting away with stuff they'd not do at home with me. We all try to be as consistent as we can be, which can only benefit the children IMO. TBH I like her a lot more than I like my ex!

To all the PPS saying things like "you should talk to the school nurse " or " you need to sort out x"

No.

DAD AND MUM NEED TO.

Do your OH and his ex get on OK? I think they really need to talk to each other and agree a plan to deal with the bed wetting, tantrums and obesity. You're onto a losing battle trying to deal with any of this stuff single handed as a stepparent. Though it's interesting that she seems better behaved for you than her mother.

If I were you I'd probably do some searching on Amazon and try to find some parenting books appropriate for your DSD's age and problems, and do some reading to work out how I could best react myself to things like the tantrums. But really the lead needs to be coming from her parents, how on earth does your OH justify turning a blind eye to these problems? He's doing his daughter an injustice.

It isn't that unusual for a 9-year-old to still wet the bed. I think it's about 1 in 20 do at that age. It is more unusual if it is every night. However, it is still worth seeing the GP about it as there may be an underlying problem.

Children don't choose to have tantrums for fun, it's a sign of distress. She needs help to manage things better.

I didn't say the OP should deal with this, obviously it's for the child's parents....but the OP needs to be clued in on what's happening!

OP - increased urination is one of the key signs of diabetes. This poor kid really needs those blood tests done. Her parents need to get her to a GP & insist she takes those tests. They are doing her no favours by going easy on her, & letting her become that obese without there being an underlying medical cause (glandular issues for eg) is in my opinion a form of child neglect.
Yes she should be out of the tantrum phase but she's probably thoroughly miserable mentally & physically very uncomfortable.
That level of weight gain will also mean that her hormones will be very out of whack & she probably has huge levels of cortisol in her body which a 9 year old won't cope with - this also leads to moods & irritation.
I think your role here is to really impress on Dp that her health & happiness are severely at risk unless he and her dm step up!

I feel for you... I have had to take a step back and watch what I say so as not to cause trouble.

My DSS is 11 and overweight. We got a kinect for exercise, a bike, go days out that involve exercise (swimming, laser tag etc) but he doesn't seem to lose weight.
I spoke to DP about what he feeds him as I take nothing to do with it (issues with DP ex as she was causing problems between us and mixing things to cause trouble).

I explained he needs to stop feeding him pizza, fry ups, hot dogs and start giving him proper meals. I started making dinners for the 3 of us as we get him every weekend but he would just pick at it or I would be met with "DSS won't eat that" so I gave up as I refused to keep wasting food.

I don't discipline DSS as i don't feel its my place and DP doesn't back me up anyway (I booked us all a holiday abroad this year which was DSS's first and when I would tell him to come get more sunscream on I was flat out told no. DP didn't back me up and so DSS ended up with a burnt face, shoulders and head and moaned about it the full week.

That was the last straw for me, the refusal to listen to me and of DP to back me up ended up ruining my holiday as we spent a week hearing about how sore he was and were in the room every night after dinner so he could watch tv then sleep as he was "sore".

I resolved then to take nothing to do with feeding him, clothing him (bought him a load of new clothes and he either stained them by not listening when I said to lean forward when he ate or by leaving them at his mums (affectionately known as the bermuda triangle) and only spend time with him and go days out etc.

all parenting is left to DP (i do occasionally remind him that DSS needs a shower etc as the hygeine is lacking slightly).

Honestly, I'd love to be able to discipline him and actually feel like a parent rather than by stander (with DP support obv) but DP doesn't follow through with his claims to back me up so I'm happy to leave him to it... working well so far.

Yep in this house all rules apply, whether you DS or SC.. SC however is generally good, meal times are the worst as being a fussy eater. And the mither bows to that. I don't put up with the sometimes I like carrots but today I dont malarkey... If u sometimes like them then you can like them today or no pudding.. We then have the fake gagging etc u till told to stop... And. The first few times SC found it hard that DS had pudding without them.. But we explained that DS wouldn't of got pudding if he didn't eat. And it was 3 slices of carrot was the compromise... So not unreasonable..
And same if their playing is out of hand.. They both get told. Same way as I expect my DS to be told by his step mum at his dads if he's naughty