How do you work your weekends with stepchildren?

[user1491403410]

Hello,

So I have 2 children - both boys.
My partner has a boy and a girl, the girl is 14 and the boy is 3.

We have been together for 2.5 years.

We have my dps children every other weekend from Friday to Sunday and then one day on the weekend we don't have them. Usually Saturday.

This weekend coming is our full weekend with our children and I'm dreading it. Because (and I hate to say it) of my 3 year old SS.

The past 6 weeks or so, he is been horrible. Especially the last full weekend. To the point where he was being very nasty to my children. My son had done a lovely picture and ss ripped it up into pieces. He kicks and hits my children. Everything is a whine. He constantly throws things, makes a mess of the house. Also drew on the wall last weekend. It's basically the terrible 2s but later on and quite extreme to be honest.

Lastly, he is accusing my children of hurting him. Which they would never ever do. And we know they haven't as we are constantly watching them. He also said that I hit him which obviously I havent.

Now don't get me wrong. My dp has been handling it very well. We feel the problem is that when he is with him mum (he is an only child - my partners daughter is his step sister so they don't live together) he gets all his own way. We know his mother isn't strict with him as we've seen it with our own eyes. When she picked him up the other day, we ss kick next doors car and she just laughed it off.

So when he comes to us on a weekend, he doesn't know how to share or be with our children really. I'm not blaming my ss at all.

As I said, this weekend is our full weekend. I cannot bear to have another weekend like that last full one we had all together so I'm thinking of just going to stay at my mums for the full weekend and let dp just have some alone time with his kids.

That way, my kids don't get dragged into anything from the 3 year old. Me and dp won't argue - the only time we ever argue is when we have all 4 kids because it is very stressful lately.

I want my dp to have quality time with just his kids too.

But I know if I mention to my dp that I'm going to stay at my mums with my kids he will probably not be happy and say 'we are a family' etc.

I just thought a bit of space might do us good. Maybe spend a few hours together on Saturday and Sunday but as soon as it gets too much with ss we would head back off to my mums again.

I'm not asking how to deal with my ss, just if you would agree that having some space apart and spending a few hours together might be a good idea? X

Are your dps DC share the same mother? It's not very long 2.5 years together when the youngest is only 3. Has anything recently changed? He sounds jealsous of your DC maybe spending time with his DF. I would suggest him and his DF spend one to one time together. How long you been living together?

Surely the are half siblings not step siblings?

3 year olds are worse than 2 years olds in my experience, so his behavior doesn't sound that extreme to me - mine went through these kind of phases too
And I don't think separating him from his brothers is a great way to manage it .... you'd hardly go away with one son while leaving the other at home if they were both yours ?

Sorry yes I mean half brother/sister

Yes I feel dp and his children need their own time together. That's why I'm thinking just stay at my mums, come back Saturday and Sunday morning for a few hours. Even til tea time if we can manage it, then go back to my mums.

Last weekend after ss was dropped off, dp came home and said he felt awful because of how ss had been and how he felt he couldn't wait for the weekend to be over. We literally tried everything from talking to ss nicely, shouting at him (i never shout at him as it's not my place too - I leave that to dp) to totally ignoring him but he literally was naughty from the moment he got here on Friday to the moment he left on Sunday.

I don't want dp to feel like he hasn't enjoyed his time with his kids. I really don't so my only way around that I can see, it is to just let them have some time just the 3 of them.

All ss wants to do when he is here is wind me children up. And sometimes his ss.

But then I know I'm just escaping the problem by not being there too.

I just feel for my kids too because it's not nice for them to have to deal with it. I can see them getting fed up too.

We have lived together for just over 18 months

And no bothering has recently changed.

Just to clarify, dp wasn't with the mother when she was pregnant and has ds. She ended things with him but they remain as amicable as they can. Ss has never known his mum and dad being together

Regardless of his DS not knowing his parents together his DF has been in your dcs lives since he was 5months old. He's never had the chance to have his DF to himself (personally I couldn't be with someone who had multiple DC to different women) I do think you need to step back allow him time with his DSis and his father to help build relations. His behaviour is very typical of most 3year old boys my
Own DS was a little sod at this age.

Yes that is what I know I need to do too.

It's my dp that doesn't want it though. He sees us all as a family and weekends are for us all to be together as one. I think it's great he feels
so strongly about us all but at the moment it's just too much. I need to explain to him that it doesn't make us any less of a family. We just need to do what's right for our own children.

I have actually got very close to my step daughters mother. She's great and we regularly all go on days out together. He was with her over 10 years ago. She now has another daughter to a lovely guy. I have no issues about him having 2 children to 2 different women. That's not even the issue here.

OP this definitely sounds like a behavioural issue - two houses, two different methods of parenting. His behaviour is pretty typical of 3 year olds & is probably being exacerbated by the chaos (in his head) of moving between two homes. How is his 14 year old dsis in all of this? That's a pretty big age gap that your Dp has to manage there.
Would it be an idea for your Dp to take his dcs off for the day of their non full weekend with you guys & this would give the three of them every full Saturday together?
I'm not sure you feeling you have to leave your home is the best idea long term.
Whatever happens your dss is going to have to learn 'good' behaviour as he gets older & I know from my own Dps experience that trying to co parent with someone who is not on the same page as you is extremely difficult. Sounds like your Dp really needs to talk to dss mum about establishing some common expectations of behaviour.

I should also point out that it's only been a year since our children were around each over. Me and dp were together for a long time before our children met because we wanted to make sure it's right.

I totally know what your saying about dp needing his own time with his kids but saying ss has never had time on his own with his dad isn't true. He really does need it now though. It's sad because when my children aren't around, all ss does is ask for them and want to play with them. But every time my kids are here, he is awful to them.

I do realise it's just typical behaviour of a 3 year old, I've had 2 boys myself so I do know. I just find it too much when he goes to his dad saying myself or my children have hurt him

I think the 2 DC to different women is relevant because it demonstrates he's seems to have DC and the relationship ends. This 3 year has a DSis who is sees when he sees his DF who is his DSis but have different mothers them step DC on top it must be extremely confusing for his age to understand at that age they don't understand how to express themselves and he is clearly expressing himself in a negative way

My step daughter is absolutely fine to be honest. She's great. She's a massive help to us too on the weekends as she will make up games for them all to play. She's a very happy girl. My dp and her mum have done a great job in co parenting her.

But I won't lie, he is struggling with dps mother. I didn't want to really bring her into this. She's does a lot of things that we as parents do not agree with. It's very hard. Just lately she has taken away his dummy, cut out his daytime nap, taken away his pull up pants all in 2 weeks. He's also now in bed by 7 every night. Me personally, I think all that is totally wrong. But I don't say anything as it's not my place too and I would never tell her how to be a mother.

Like I said earlier, she isn't strict with him at all. And it's pretty obvious because when he is here you can see it. Even when he says 'I want this now' dp say no and get him to say 'please may o have this' he has a total meltdown.

Underthemonlight - dps ex ended things with him as she was seeing his friend behind his back. A DNA test was done to confirm who the father was. It isn't my dps fault he isn't with the mother. We've recently found out she's set up online catalogues in his name and not paid the bill. He's now a victim of fraud because of her. The police are involved - well the action fraud department are.

None of this has anything to do with my original post. However I will always stick up for my dp whenever '2 kids to 2 different women' is mentioned. Because that women has put him through hell and it is most certainly not his fault he isn't with her.

I don't no see what his mother has done wrong at three taking the dummie and progressing toilet training is the norm as is having a fixed bed time

I meantioned the two different mothers as it confusing for a three year to grasp a half sister then step siblings

Personally i think to do that all in one go is too much for the child. To be told 'no more dummy, no more naps, no more pull ups'. I agree children need to do these things around this age but not all at once. Tbf it hasn't even worked. She rang me on Tuesday (I was just watching him for a couple of hours) before dropping him off to say she had given up on it. As a mother though, I'm not slagging her off. As a person yes I can't stand her. But as a mother I think she does her best. Everyone does things differently and I have always respected her wishes with him. Even though there are some I personally don't agree with.

This is still getting off the topic though but it really doesn't matter now. I'm just going to go with my gut instinct

Why meantion it then if you don't judge her we are human we might go about doing things wrong but that's how we learn as a parent you have no right to judge her on trivial things you've meantioned bad behaviour on her part yes fair enough

Would you partner take his son out for the day just the two of them. Somewhere like soft play. It sounds like he'd benefit from some 1-1 time. People who have four kids generally do try to spend some time alone with each of them so it isn't about not being a family. Failing that could you take his daughter with you to your Mum's.

Because you brought it up '2 kids to 2 different mothers'. And you've pretty much said my partner just has children and leaves the mother....not the case.

Yes I'm going to suggest that tonight. My boys are at a party on Saturday which will give us a couple of hours apart.

I just need my dp to understand what I'm saying to him. My dp says to me all the time that he is so happy he has the family he always wanted. A stable home for his children, siblings and a father and step mother who don't argue and get on great (like I said, we really don't argue unless it gets too much). It's all so important to him and as he only sees his kids at the weekend he wants that time for us all to be a family.

He thinks we can work through it but the only way I can see it is by having time together and then time apart. I want him to drop his ds off on a sunday and say 'that was a great weekend' not 'I'm so glad the weekend is over'

user, I think you should do whatever you feel is best for your children but talk it out with your DP first. But what I was actually thinking while reading this is that none of that is what I'd call typical or acceptable behaviour for a 3yo. I have kids and I worked with kids of that age for years. It's not usual for a child to claim someone's hurt them or for them to destroy things. Yes, 3yo's can be challenging and one of my own skipped terrible 2s only to do it all at age 3. He needed watching all the time, had tantrums when not allowed his own way etc, but I really wouldn't say violence and destruction is usual. (Also I wouldn't say it's the norm for 3yo's to still be in nappies or have a dummy, but I know development can differ).

Sounds more like he's confused and needs reassurance and stability and maybe some time with your DP without your DC around would help with that. I agree with Applesandpears23 that that could involve DP taking DSS out (maybe after you've had this weekend at your mom's to decompress).

I'd just try to have the discussion whereby no one seems to be enjoying those weekends. I've thought of a few things to make things easier, have you any ideas or which shall we go for?
A I move out for the weekend
B you take ss out every sat

My husband works better if you let him make his mind up...

Also I'd make sure the other kids get space away from each other. I.e. No one allowed in each other's bedrooms unless invited.

Yes I think so too, it's like he is wanting to get me and my children into trouble. He used to be very close to me and he still can be but he's definitely turning a corner. Some of his behaviour doesn't seem like normal 3 year old behaviour. One of my children has autism so I'm very much aware of what is classed as 'normal' and what isn't too.

When my son drew this picture, I could see the anger is ss face. Even before he got hold of it and ripped it up. It was like he thought 'that's a good picture, I've got to ruin it'.

On Sunday we were at a friends party - my children were with their dad so not present. And we noticed he had similar behaviour with other children he hasn't even met. 2 children were playing catch, ss wanted to join in so they let him. Soon as ss got the ball he kept it and his face just turned to anger. Dp went over to tell him to share and ss said 'no this is my ball now, no one is playing with it' but it was the way he was looking at these other children who had done absolutely nothing was quite worrying.

He also does not like cuddles or any sort of affection - not even from his mum. He never has been a child that gives or needs affection. So I think it's a mixture of things here.

It's only really been bad for the last 5/6 weeks so at least we are recognising it early and put things in place to hopefully get ss back on track.

He really can be incredibly cute and so funny at times. It's just like that part of him has gone lately. But I myself will do whatever it takes to get it back because I miss him

How old are your children?

My children are 8 (nearly 9) and 5

Ooooh they can be little horrors at that age can't they (tongue in cheek comment before anyone jumps on me).
I have a 2 year old who is going through the tantrums and challenging behaviour too.
Hopefully it will pass soon for your dss

Maybe, being the youngest, he is struggling to find his place. He is only 3 and doesn't have any full time siblings unlike the others?