How do you work your weekends with stepchildren?

[user1491403410]

Hello,

So I have 2 children - both boys.
My partner has a boy and a girl, the girl is 14 and the boy is 3.

We have been together for 2.5 years.

We have my dps children every other weekend from Friday to Sunday and then one day on the weekend we don't have them. Usually Saturday.

This weekend coming is our full weekend with our children and I'm dreading it. Because (and I hate to say it) of my 3 year old SS.

The past 6 weeks or so, he is been horrible. Especially the last full weekend. To the point where he was being very nasty to my children. My son had done a lovely picture and ss ripped it up into pieces. He kicks and hits my children. Everything is a whine. He constantly throws things, makes a mess of the house. Also drew on the wall last weekend. It's basically the terrible 2s but later on and quite extreme to be honest.

Lastly, he is accusing my children of hurting him. Which they would never ever do. And we know they haven't as we are constantly watching them. He also said that I hit him which obviously I havent.

Now don't get me wrong. My dp has been handling it very well. We feel the problem is that when he is with him mum (he is an only child - my partners daughter is his step sister so they don't live together) he gets all his own way. We know his mother isn't strict with him as we've seen it with our own eyes. When she picked him up the other day, we ss kick next doors car and she just laughed it off.

So when he comes to us on a weekend, he doesn't know how to share or be with our children really. I'm not blaming my ss at all.

As I said, this weekend is our full weekend. I cannot bear to have another weekend like that last full one we had all together so I'm thinking of just going to stay at my mums for the full weekend and let dp just have some alone time with his kids.

That way, my kids don't get dragged into anything from the 3 year old. Me and dp won't argue - the only time we ever argue is when we have all 4 kids because it is very stressful lately.

I want my dp to have quality time with just his kids too.

But I know if I mention to my dp that I'm going to stay at my mums with my kids he will probably not be happy and say 'we are a family' etc.

I just thought a bit of space might do us good. Maybe spend a few hours together on Saturday and Sunday but as soon as it gets too much with ss we would head back off to my mums again.

I'm not asking how to deal with my ss, just if you would agree that having some space apart and spending a few hours together might be a good idea? X

Yeah I think so, he's finding it very difficult being around other kids I think. At our house, they all have their own toys in toy boxes etc. But anything my sons are playing with out of their own toy boxes he just snatches off them. But it's honestly like he can't see what he's doing wrong - and yes I know he's only 3 - but he thinks everything is his. Because at his house everything is his. So when he comes here he doesn't see that you'd belong to others. My boys are very good in that they do share with him. But by Sunday afternoon time they have usually had enough so they start snatching back.

Just this weekend I can't deal with it, I think myself I maybe just need a little break so I am going to go to my mums and spend some quality time with just me and my boys.

I can deal with the kids arguing, what I find hard is the stress it puts on me and dps relationship. And it's not his fault. It's not mine either, it's just blooming kids lol x

Sounds like a good plan - getting some space. As long as it improves though - as you can't be ousted out of your home forever.

Ultimately that 3 year old has to over the next months become better behaved as kicking and hitting are just not on. That said - sometimes being the youngest can be insecure and as he's young there is hope that he might be able to adjust if he's made to feel secure. However being firm about boundaries is a good thing all round. Especially if he has a lot of treats too and rewards for being good.

He is 3 yrs old - most of this is normal and given the fact he has a half sister, who he onle sees at Dads, and two step sibs he only sees at Dads - he can not figure out anything. To him all these other children have his Dad all the time - he will not get that his DS does not.

His Dad is to be honest - a less than great father, 2 kids 2 mothers has a huge factor in this.

Stop blaming the mother -how she parents is her problem and 3 yr old having melt downs when told no - is normal.

Sorry - he is a very little boy in a very confusing situation he needs some security.

You say you ahve been together for 2.5 yrs - but did not meet kids for ages - what are you talking - a year/18 months - then this is so new to a very little boy - you need to stop looking for faults and let him adjust and grow up.

Be honest now - do you think your DP makes a big song and dance about how happy the all family weekends make him so that you stick around and provide him with back up in looking after your SS? You would think he'd want time alone with his kids too. Tell him that is what his SS needs and wants and in fact the whole family will be better off for it.

There is a LOT of judgement on here!
How on earth can anyone state this man is a bad father just because he has two children with two different women???? No one knows the circumstances of his past relationships.
This man sounds like he is doing everything he believes to be right in trying to integrate his family. Ah exbf of mine had 3 kids - 2 from his marriage & one from a later relationship & he was/is an excellent father to them all.

The main issue here is different parenting methods. It sounds like the OP, her Dp and the mother of Dps Dsd all parent in a similar fashion - the mother of his Dss seems to parent differently. The OP is not blaming the mum - she's making the observation that the mum does not discipline in a similar way to her or her Dp.
OP I understand this. My exh, his Dp, my Dp & I all have similar parenting methods. My Dps exw has a completely different attitude to parenting & it causes problems.
My Dp has eventually realised that happy families is not possible all the time & he spends a lot of time by himself with his dcs as having mine & his all together all the time just causes tension.
OP again I'd say your dss is probably quite confused with all the coming and going & probably needs some calm time with his dad from time to time. I also think your Dp needs to talk to ds's mum to try to explain that with four kids to consider in your home behaviour & discipline has to be tackled and maybe they could find some common ground?

For those judging the father for having children with different women - how is that any different for a woman who has kids by different fathers?

It's my dp that doesn't want it though. He sees us all as a family and weekends are for us all to be together as one

I think he's trying to wriggle out of parenting his dc on his own. It's easier for him when there is the distraction/help from you, your kids and the half-sister.

That 3 year old needs one-on-one time with his dad in order to build a healthy/close relationship with him. Currently, your dp is just a 'stranger' who he sees once a fortnight, and even then he's spending more time interacting with other kids than his own dad.

Thank you to everyone saying about the 2 different mothers situation. This post was never about the fact that my partner has been in 2 serious relationships - not a massive number is it? - and had a child with each of them.

The relationship with his daughters mother needed because they realised they were best friends instead of any romance. And they have remained that way. And personally I think it's great. My dsd is an amazing girl.

It's not as easy with dsds mother has she has and continues to do a lot of things wrong and puts my dp through a hell of a lot of stress. I'm not going into it as it's no ones business and I shouldn't even be mentioning it the first place. Bottom line is, he is a very very very good father. I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't. He's much better than my children's father who only sees our kids when it suits him. I honestly think some women on here just want to slag men off for whatever reason they can.

Anyway - rant over, moving on. I spoke to dp last night. He was late in from work unfortunately so didn't get chance to have a proper chat but I did say I was going to stay at my mums which he was absolutely fine with.

I'll discuss the rest about ss needing alone time with his dad tonight.
Thank you for everyone's helpful replies - the ones who didn't slag my boyfriend off!

Your suggestion is very sensible. The problem is that whereas you've analysed the situation and came up to this conclusion as a mean to manage the situation best for the time being, your OH won't have been through this process, so when you mention it, his reaction will be that you are 'going on strike' and escaping, which will make him feel anxious.

What you need to do is discuss the situation when things are calm, and take him through your thought process and why you think that giving him some time with his son only is not about your escaping, but about him having un-distracted time with his son to give both the attention he needs, and disciplining him for bad behaviour without distraction.

You can say that it is temporary until things come down and maybe you can agree that it is only every other week-end or similar.

It's a bit late in the week to have that discussion ahead of this week-end though. Also, there would need to be some discussion with the 14yo so she doesn't think it is about her and it would be good for her to express her views. Would she be happy about this or actually dread it as she prefers it with your children there too?