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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New Step Mum

35 replies

Butterworth86 · 13/05/2017 07:25

Hello everyone, I am completely new to this website and completely new to being a step mum! So any advice would be great. My partner and I have been together 3 years and he has always had a daughter that he would see for around 4 hours every Sunday due to his ex being controlling and not allowing him anymore time with her. So I have met and spent time with my partners daughter who is now 6. Anyway 11 months ago his ex stopped all access and he went to court to do the right thing with regards to access. Anyway 11 months later he has a court order where his daughter can come and stay with us every other weekend and one night in the week for her dinner. This is fantastic for him and I am so pleased for him, however I am struggling with such a huge change in dynamics. I know I am going to sound selfish but I just want to be as honest as possible to see if it's normal. Father and daughter want to spend as much time as they can together so it's been every weekend, so all of a sudden I'm used to having my partner to myself every weekend, and now I feel pushed out as I don't have a say (which I suppose I wouldn't, and don't want to jeprodise his time with his daughter) but I feel very jealous shock I am just being honest. Furthermore, because it's all so new, there is no routine or rules. The daughter wants to sleep in our bed and although this has happened twice, I just don't sleep as there is no room and it winds me up she shouldn't be in our bed surely? I am a nurse and work weekends so need to be able to sleep. When speaking with my partners mother and father about the situation they said I should let her sleep in our bed for around 2 months as this situation is so new to her and she needs to get comfortable with her dad and I. If anything I should sleep in her room. Is this ok? I am so lost in this mindfield that I don't know what the right thing to do is as I'm not a parent and never have been and I don't want this to come between my partner and I. So the main issues are I am jealous that I'm now not number 1 (sorry it's selfish but just being honest) and the sleeping arrangements. Can anyone advise?

OP posts:

AvaCrowder2 · 05/07/2017 20:48

sweetbitter what a thoughtful post. I had a step mother and I wished she could have been more like you.

Maddogs · 05/07/2017 22:29

Hi I have a DSS who I first met when he was 7. My DD was 3. I had no idea how to be a step mum! DSS cried when he first came here and slept with his dad for the first few months until he settled.

Over the last 3 years I have worked really hard to develop a bond with DSS, we bake together, play board games, watch movies, even had a memorable night with the 2 kids dressed up doing karaoke!

It is true that it isn't a natural instant love. But over time I have got to know DSS, I grew to love him. DD adores him and we are a blended family. It isn't always easy! But it's worth it. Good luck adjusting.

Mumblebeebee · 06/07/2017 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belmontian · 07/07/2017 11:10

I think it is very normal to be jealous/shocked/put out that suddenly the dynamic has shifted and it will take time for you to adjust. Be open with your partner and at the same time remember that this is just a little girl who is getting to know her father.

I'm just finding it hard and I hate being the person that has to enforce the rules like sleeping in her own bed

^Please don't do this. Ask your DP what he wants, tell him what you want and try to find a compromise. When my parents split up and both got new partners we were 'banned' from DM's bed but continued to be welcome in DF's bed (although I'm sure my SM really resented that) and that had quite a big impact on me as a child.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 07/07/2017 14:37

I know he wants to see his daughter a lot but honestly I think it's a bit of a change going from a few hours to every weekend - particularly as he sounds like he is less parenting and more indulging. Every other weekend would mean that his daughter still had some stability - as rightly or wrongly she is used to having her mother at the weekends.

The whole having to sleep in your bed is too much I agree - it's just too intense and at that age she should be helped to have a nice bedroom to herself.

I think your DP is being foolish in this way. He is pushing you out as although you have the whole week together, expecting every weekend to be all about his daughter every weekend is not healthy for any of you. And it would be really good for his child to have a stable step mother figure - but one who doesn't have to assert or fight for a day either. A good balance! If she was living there full-time at least there would, hopefully be some assumption of rules, normality.

So if I were you OP I would try to talk to your DP - but all he might hear is that you are trying to take away from time for his daughter which at the moment is uppermost in his mind. You might have to say really clearly how supportive you have been and will continue to be of his relationship, and really mean it - but that you need time for your relationship too. If he doesn't get it - then it's going to be hard. In my experience men and their daughters are totally blind to anything! Good luck.

belmontian · 07/07/2017 15:34

expecting every weekend to be all about his daughter every weekend is not healthy for any of you.

It does seem that this is a very new arrangement though. The OP said the dd has only been in their bed twice, for example. If I had suddenly got a decent amount of access to my child and my partner felt that me spending two days out of seven with her was "not healthy" then they would not be a partner for long. I would assume that as time goes on the novelty of them being together lessens slightly and they can establish a new 'normal'.

SteppingOnToes · 10/07/2017 13:30

OP - be very careful about your DP pushing for you to take an active role. As a SP what you give should be voluntary and not expected. She is his child (you will be reminded of that many times) and it is his responsibility to parent her, not expect you to take half all of the responsibility. It's much easier to gradually give more, than to take on too much and become resentful.

It's a hard one, especially as you are having her every weekend there will be no 'free' time for you :(

If you ever want a non-judgemental chat from someone in a similar situation, please PM me

TheNewbieStep · 18/07/2017 20:22

I'm new here, to StepMumness and also Mumsnet. Having a pretty wretched time and would love to have someone to talk to about all things stepmumly. Really keen to here from Mums who are stepmums, and also Mums that have (welcomed?) a partner of their ex. I'm struggling with ways to support my partner and the horrendous way in which his ex is treating him. They were long divorced before we met.

marciagetscreamed · 19/07/2017 17:03

This life isn't for you OP.

It will only get harder and if you're jealous now, it will only get worse.

Being a step parent isn't for everyone.

PeppersTheCat · 19/07/2017 18:39

Re: "signed up for":

My DP has gone from 50% custody to 75% custody (I had zero say) and it's taking a massive toll on our relationship (his daughter has behavioural issues). However this happened after I got pregnant, so I'm pretty much trapped.

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